Bittersweet Candy Bowl

“And sometimes, at the end of the day, you just have to look out on the sunset, take a deep breath, relax, let go, and realise that I shagged your mum.”

“‘So, how’s your mum?’ ‘Still dead.’ ‘Ah, so feeling better then, eh?’”

“You’ll never have the same problem twice if you solve it with a chainsaw.”

“Chainsaws don’t hurt.”

“In Final Fantasy guns don’t kill people, every other weapon does.”

“Clothes off, girl! My stick’s on fire!”
- again myself, overheard by a friend’s mother when we were playing a match of Munchkin cards (“something-or-other valkyrie” getting killed by a Napalm Rod). Epic face followed.

Oh, and late response, but anyway.
@Jeff Seems you don’t know me that well, if you say that ~w^

Yeah… I think I forgot about that a week ago.

“Vodka. The reason I ended up two hundred miles away from home one night and now fear ChumbaWumba!”

Me, after half a bottle of whiskey.

I’m a slow man, soooorrrryyyy XD

I was trying to say “Your just an 8year old traped in a hairy mans body arn’t you?”

what I actualy said was “Your just a Hairy man in an 8year olds body!”


it sounded really perverted at the time.

If vegtable oils made from vegtables than what the hells baby powder made of

ground up children. I make it in my shed with a giant Cheese grater and a big blood stained bucket.

The legends are true after all!! thank you magical internet man!!

0.o ok. thats a new title for me then.

I am the magical Internet man! Cower before me you mighty and despair!

Behold i have the power to distrobute more porn than any one person could posible cope with.

“If Life gives you lemons, goddamn squash ‘em”.

Be married to God if you want, so long as you know he doesn’t put out.

When God gives you Lemons, you FIND A NEW GOD. GOD BERRY, KING OF THE JUICE.

Can you imagine the conversation for that job?

“So, why did the last King of the Juice leave his job?”
“Oh, he didn’t leave. He was nailed to some wood and died.”

Should we (i.e. not me) make a religion thread for this stuff?

I kinda don’t think so, but hey, I’m a fairly devout Catholic and I wouldn’t want to see what this community would put on a religion thread….

You know what, forget I ever said anything!

It would not be pretty

I’m an equal opportunity douche. Any strongly held beliefs are like blood in the water to me.

“Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere”

Albert Einstein

“Logic will get you from A to B, a map is more helpful but is often out of date, a GPS will get you there quickly (when it’s not trying to drive you insane), randomonium might get you from A to B eventually, engineering will tell you that there was a faster way to get from A to B after it’s too late to change anything, science will leave you wondering what’s so great about B, philosophy will get you from A to B on a morally neutral path, psychology will confuse you to such an extent that you won’t recall which is A and which is B, calculus will make you kill yourself before you get to B, and rambling will leave you talking about points A and B while completely forgetting what you were actually trying to say and boring the crap out of everyone who was stupid enough to read such a dumb post….


…my head hurts now….

…”

Ah! THERE’S the end of the quote! I thought I had lost it for a moment…

“hopes are for losers and dreams are for losers who sleep”
-Ace

I was told to post this here after I killed Kariz’s hopes and dreams with CarterxCarterxCarter

after a few drinks in a nice hotel with a lot of friens around i invented a new Verb.

This isn’t the Couch that we are planning to couch its the other one”

I meant that we were planing to steal the couch oposite the one we were sat on.

“Friends are like campfires - If you pee on them they go out”

Works a bit better in Finnish since the term going out can also refer to a friendship dying out.

After my brother and I accidentally exploded some firecrackers near my mom:

My brother: “CRAP! RUN!”
Me: “I can’t do two things at the same time!”

” I’m certain that if a guy named Justin Case happend to exist, he’d become a pop music star, like all Justins with funny names before him, Timberlake, Ashton, Beiber, poor girl, Beiber, going through life with a boy’s name”

“I have heard many funny things in my lifetime, but what the chili jerk just said is currently at the top of my list.”

After I was diagnosed with Crohn’s, I found that I could, in fact, do both at the same time.

“I whistled for a cab,and when it came near,the license plate said “fresh” and had a dice in the mirror,if anything i could say that this cab was rare but i thought now forget it, yo home to bel-air i pulled up to a house about seven or eight and i yelled to the cabby “yo,home smell you later” i looked at my kingdom i was finally there to settle my throne as the prince of bel-air!”

Wait….Should I be laughing or feeling sad?

i dunno,the edit button went away so what’s done is done…

Not by me, but this quote made my laugh more then any I’vve heard in a long time
“Clearly the Internet is a very strange place. I’ve been Rickrolled myself, many times”
-Rick Astley (Just a note, not the one who roams our forums, the real one)

“When the world turn arround and and forget about you, all you can do is KICK HIS ASS!”

and this dosen’t count like a cuote, but reading what idiot wrote i remember
every time in school when they ask me for my biography for a homework or something like that
i start writing the song of the fresh prince on bel air (obiously in spanish)

mi biografia: en Monterrey yo naci y creci, con goma de mascar i basket era feliz!!, siempre tranquilo sin prisa ni nada, nada de escuela encalado en la fianca… etc etc

” for future reference, while raw oysters may not have a face, their not the best meal for you vegitarian freind who hasn’t eaten meat in his life, he will blame you when he throws up…on you”

me, just after dinner

@Foxy: If there’s more to this story, it should go into “Defining Moments of Drama.”

It would help lift the mood of an otherwise depressing thread.

Well, theres nothing else there,realy, he’s still my freind, made me give him 10 bucks to replace the shirt he got puke on, and will never eat meat again

In a heated argument about suicide:

“Someone who kills himself over Twinkies is less crazy than someone who kills himself over ‘purpose.’ Purpose is subjective and nebulous, Twinkies are objective and delicious. You might as well kill yourself over Twinkies than metaphysical semantics.”

I wasn’t telling her to kill herself, mind you, that’s just poor phrasing, but this did send her into an hour long bitch fit. It was pretty funny.

Or, you could not commit suicide. I have some pamphlets.

And remember, “time heals all wounds, except cancer”

I am callus toward people who think that contemplation of suicide makes them deep and brooding. You can usually tell when someone is serious about it and when they’re not, you know? Pisses me off running across the latter.

But I digress.

I don’t like Twinkies but Zombieland was fucking awesome.

Anyone who commits suicide deserves no respect from anyone.

“We are what we think we are, and it is to that extent we shape our own realities.”

Impossible is simply a word to describe that which you don’t want to admit you cannot do.

@Jerk, that is probably one of the best arguments against suicide I’ve ever heard. Congratulations, you are awesome.

Ejem,

“Never say Never”

“Look at your problem in the bright side, because no matter how **** up your lame excuse of a life
you may have, there is ALWAYS someone in a WORSE situation than yours”

: D

I was once said in a Podcast discussion about Left 4 Dead 2: “I don’t mind butt-rape as long as I’m having fun”
Of course, this is in relation to getting my ass kicked, but still having a good time.

@ CBM: I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t add that I know that I personally could be driven to suicide, but my thresholds have nothing to do with sadness and everything to do with outright phobia.

But yeah, she was furious. Pissing off women is hobby and a talent of mine. Last night I suggested to my mom that watching Real Housewives of Wherever is gradually driving her retarded. I started sobbing and reciting all the intervention tropes I could recall off the top of my head (and then, laughing maniacally, stole the remote). It helped that my brother played along for the assist.

“The way I see it, there are three different types of confidence: Bravery, Courage, and Foolishness. Take boxing for example:

The brave man gets in the ring not caring how strong or fast his opponent is.

The courageous man is scared of his opponent, but is still willing to give it his all.

The foolish man is so sure that he’s going to win, he dosen’t train.

But it dosen’t really matter, because I’m still going to kick all three of their asses.”

I remember once saying, “Sacrificing for a stranger is kind. Sacrificing for a friend isn’t sacrifice.” I won’t bother explaining, the meaning’s pretty obvious.

Because sacrificing for a friendship is just expected, right?

Right before I chop you in half!
But seriously (or not)…

“The easiest opponent to beat is the one who thinks he has already won. That way he won’t expact you stealth bazooka attack!”

…”or not” it would seem….

Here’s one for my ninja friend: “He who lives by the sword dies by the gun. He who dies by the gun works at a liquor store.”