Bittersweet Candy Bowl

Be they from a chat line, real life, or purely fictional I don’t really care. Does anyone have stories to share? There seems to be a theme of more negative tales here, so I figured I’d share a few of the more amusing ones I’ve gathered over the years so…

I’ll toss out one or two at a time in-between other peoples posts.. Most of them concerning my major hobby:Role playing Campaigns.

For those who -don’t- know what that is.. a role playing campaign is more or less a group based writing game. You have a ‘story teller’ who takes control of the world, the villains, and the minor characters; along with 4-6 ‘players’ who take control of the main characters of the story, most often creating their own to match with the story tellers world. The group getting together to play for 3-6 hours once a week. Dungeons, and dragons being the most common example.

Now onto the first story
-The Dress-

Many years ago I was acting as the story teller of a game set in a medieval fantasy world, and one of my players took upon the role of a princess. Now.. obviously:while traveling about slaying monsters, and fighting the good fight she couldn’t dress in a royal gown or something…so a new outfit was in order. She wasn’t going to dress herself in rags…. the dress had to be nice, just not TOO nice. After some searching around they found this lovely Blue/White dress which had many odd runes stitched into it, an exotic design (for the setting) from a distant land. It quickly became the girls favorite, and she wore it more then any other!

As the story went on the party came upon people from this ‘distant land’ rarely. They were always polite, and gentle; particularly with the princess, and they often wore clothes very similar to the Princesses dress.. save slightly different designs. This never struck the party as odd… so they just continued on their way.

The game had been going on for a year or so when the party finally showed up on the shores of this ‘distant’ land, hoping to do some research for a powerful magical artifact, the princess heading to the large library of this magical land to do just that. Not.. surprisingly… just about everyone there was wearing an outfit similar to the princess… something that didn’t strike our heroes odd given their earlier interactions. So… our princess discussed their quest with the head librarian, determining it might very well be in this one particular dungeon… at which point the librarian asked..

“.. I assume you won’t be going to such a place..? Your servants surely can handle it… given your condition?”
This.. naturally confused the princess..so she questioned it some more…eventually causing our librarian to blurt out.
“…Of course you shouldn’t go.. for the -sake of the child-!”

… then the truth came out. See those runes on the dress? Not for decoration, this country was a -highly- organized place, and those runes was actually a language. Stating things like occupation, health conditions, talents, and so forth so people knew who you were, and what you did from a glance. The Princesses dress? Basically… said.. she was a ‘professional’ lady, who was pregnant with her -3rd child-. The kicker of it all being this princess was only 16 years old hahaha.

Wooooo yeah, she was pissed, as you can imagine. It certainly explained why everyone she had met previously had been so gentle, and polite to her. Even better? She didn’t blame me for it! See the party also included a ‘jerk with a heart of gold’ body guard who kept an eye on the princesses, he being the one who bough the dress for them when they left the palace! She surmised that asshole must have know what the dress said when he bought it, and this was all one big prank on her!

To say the least he got a few magical blasts his way kekekekeke. Poor smuck had no clue what he did either.

When I was in high school, I went to a party with one of my best friends. I get there, and I see this STUNNING blonde girl. Thin, cute, nerdy, just freakin’ stellar in every way. So, we spend the whole night making eyes at each other, until finally we get to talking. Go figure, she’s smart as Hell too and, what’s more, interested in me (back when I was a fat, depressed nerd).

The night winds down, we trade numbers and I go home with a grin. Next day I talk to my friend about her.
“How’d you meet this girl?” I say, “She’s amazing!”
“Oh, she’s my cousin! Cool, huh?”
“I hope you don’t mind, but I’m totally interest in her.”
My friend laughs. “Alright, if you say so.”
I give her a look. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
…
She was THIRTEEEEEEEN! Dx
And by the time she was legal, she was a born again Christian! ARGHHH!

*pats the jerk on the BBQ on the back* Ah you can’t win them all my friend.

“The fool suffers for ninety-nine failures, the wise man comforts himself with the lone victory.” Terrible misquote, but long story short my friendship with her led to me getting really lucky.

darn it.. didn’t backspace enough there… I really wish this site had a delete post function.

@BBQ-Flavored Jerk

You could have taken her to another country. (for example it’s 13 back home and places like Saudi Arabia, don’t even have age of consent! XD)

Let me toss out another story, this ones a bit shorter then the last, but is from the same Campaign.

See in my games I tend to occasionally hand of these things called ‘Fatepoints’ or ‘Keypoints’. What the players can do with these is spend them to alter the world as if they were the storyteller:Make an important NPC show up, give their hero a second chance etc as long as it makes some semblance of sense. They don’t get them often naturally, and are generally saved for emergencies, or dramatic moments.

One of my players, the party wizard named Remer (Awesome guy I tell you) had saved up -a lot- of these points, and our heroes were now facing off against the last confrontation of the campaign; a dramatic battle with the four armed demon who had been behind almost all of the evils of the story. She was pure chaos, and twirled about the four legendary weapons of the world, naturally including this worlds equivalent to ‘Excalibur’.

So Remer scratched his chin, pushed all his points forward and said ‘I want that Excalibur to actually be ‘Excalipoor’. What’s Excalipoor you ask? It’s basicly a ‘fake’ version of Excalibur, aindestructible sword.. that always does the least amount of damage possible per swing. We all had a good laugh at the idea, and I allowed it given the points he was forking over. After all she still had three other legendary weapons to fight them with, so it’d still be a hard battle!

Anyway the fight raged on, and our heroes were in a desperate fight! Remer having just blasted the villain with a mighty spell became the focus of her rage as she came down upon him with a vengence, striking the wizard multiple times, and leaving him barely standing. 1 hp left where a simple strong breeze could finish him!

Of course, if you don’t see where this is going you ain’t all that quick.

Remer let out a relaxed sigh, having barely survived the attack…. having forgotten she had one strike left:The Exalipoor! One tiny, tiny, strike across the chin, little more then a paper cut, and it was enough. ‘I regret NOTHING’ being his final words as he fell back