Bittersweet Candy Bowl

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The Move, A realistic Fan Fiction By Hen Barrison

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Comment ID #106479

Interesting idea, mediocre execution. I would suggest some serious editing (go through it with spell-check at the very least).

It would furthermore seem that the improvement from your last posts to this one was minimal if existent. Please try to work in some of the suggestions that Maverik posted. They were mostly good ones.

Criticical *Ninja October 17, 2010, 10:44 PM EST.

Comment ID #106483

What did I misspell?

HB October 17, 2010, 10:48 PM EST.

Comment ID #106489

drasticly elevenish youger

drastically eleven-ish younger

Many of your sentences are grammatically awkward as well, but I’m not going to point them out because I’m too pissed at you for making me dig through your last post for spelling errors instead of just doing it yourself.

Criticical *Ninja October 17, 2010, 10:57 PM EST.

Comment ID #106499

sorry, I knew about drastically when I right clicked It never gave me that spelling.
same for eleven-ish.

HB October 17, 2010, 11:24 PM EST.

Comment ID #106501

Hell yeah! Paulo and David!

TheLightorTheDark October 17, 2010, 11:31 PM EST.

Comment ID #106502

I figured people would like that.

HB October 17, 2010, 11:36 PM EST.

Comment ID #111086

IT LIVES! IT LIVES!

TheLightorTheDark October 25, 2010, 10:25 PM EST.

Comment ID #111602

I’m gonna put this out here now. I’m going to be unable to work on this for quite some time now that my laptops adapter is broken, so don’t expect any updates any time soon. Sorry.

HB October 26, 2010, 7:26 PM EST.

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