Bittersweet Candy Bowl

The Move
A BCB Fan Fic By: Hen Barrison

I was crushed, even though a week had past since I learned the about the move. Just hearing that we had to move was difficult to deal with alone. Saying goodbye and I probably won’t ever see you again was near impossible. Every time I said goodbye, be it on the phone or in person, I was in tears. I knew that I probably wouldn’t see a single one of them ever again.
I sat in the back driver side seat of our Honda pilot that was following behind a moving truck. My sister sat in the passenger seat next to mom, Kate, my sister, had been silent since we had begun because she had been listening to her i pod. I always was somewhat angry at Kate for doing this when we were in the car for any longer than half an hour. Mom was apparently sick of the lack of sound when she turned on the radio. “News, Traffic, Weather. On the eights.” the man said over the radio. I had other things on my mind than the traffic on 66 and the weather that would no longer apply to me, so I tuned them out. ‘Roseville… What the hell kind of name is Roseville?’ I thought to myself. ‘Then again, someone could say the same about Nokesville I suppose.’ I listened to the radio a little bit. “ A deadly house fire kills five, but more on that in a moment… Today America is chastised for human genetic testing, even if it is only on unborn cells. Yesterday we managed to ask an executive of the private company some questions, however he refused to disclose any information.”
There was a brief pause. “Well it looks like we’ll have to wait and see what it is that there doing exactly.” “I suppose so Bob.” a woman’s voice said. I tuned them out again. ’ I’m going to miss Virginia.’ I thought. I looked down at the seat pouch attached to the front seat and saw my hands. I cringed, remembering the pain I felt the day I leaned the news. I was so sad and frustrated that I nearly punched a hole clean through my walls. The pain, both mental and physical, was still there. My hands were bruised and nearly bleeding when I was done. They aren’t much better now. They throbbed painfully for a moment. I teared up little. A drop landed on my glasses and I wiped it off with my shirt. “How long until we get to Ohio?” I asked. “A few hours.” she said. “Ok” I responded with a somewhat somber tone. I brushed my brown bangs out of my eyes, closed them, and embraced the deep sleep that my body needed.

Thanks for reading. Please tell me if it sucks.

Wow……. that’s a sad story…

well thats not the whole thing. its the first paragraph. ill post more if you think its any good.

I like it but you should get some more readers. I’ll help if you want.

Good, but you may want to get to the actual fan-fiction part, at least a little more than a name drop. I mean, it sounds good but you haven’t got much. If you wrote a second longer chapter I may be able to tell you more, but for now, you just haven’t written enough.

Well in that case…

I awoke as soon as I was asleep. Roughly two hours had past while I was asleep. I stretched and grunted softly. That was enough sound to alert my mom. “how was the nap?” she asked. “Ok… How close are we?” I inquired. “Oh about an hour away.” she said. I looked out the window and saw unkept fields as we rolled by. Kate was asleep in the front seat. I had been to Ohio before, but not this part. We weren’t on a highway. Only a smaller two lane road with a yellow dashed line to separate going in and coming out. The road was barren. We were alone. These things, along with the relative newness of the paving job, made me feel uneasy. I dismissed the feeling thinking that it was only me being angry about the move that had given me the slightly sickly feeling. Some 10 odd minuets had gone and we encountered another thing that I found strange. A gate, not a gate you find blocking the entrance and exit to a community, but a more industrial one. We pulled up to it and stopped. The driver got out of the moving truck. He walked around the front of the truck scratching his head. He spoke to the man in the guard house. We could not hear him from where we were, but I could tell he was confused. He spoke and as the guard simply denied him access, he became frustrated. He said some words, and motioned to something within the guard house. The guard turned and disappeared in to the house. A moment later he reemerged with a phone. He handed the driver the phone, but it didn’t reach, so the driver leaned in. “What the hell is taking so long?” mom asked. “Looks like there’s been some sort of mix up.” I said. The phone changed hands a few times, and a few minuets later the conflict was resolved. The guard turned around and the gate opened. The driver returned to the truck and we proceeded through the gate. When we finally arrived at the new house, I checked the time. My phone read 6:32. We had spent the greater part of the day traveling to a place that I didn’t want to be.
When we arrived there the moving people helped us unpack and set some stuff up. We had the basic things unpacked. The kitchen had been unpacked so we were able to cook the late dinner we had that day. Our rooms had been basically set up. My bedroom was on the first floor. All others were on the second floor. The TV room, witch had taken the longest to set up was fully complete and ready to be used. By the time we were done with dinner and unpacking, it was very late. I glanced from my sunken position in the couch we brought along up to the grandfather clock we had decided to take with us. It’s face read 10:57. I felt lucky to have moved here on a Friday. After a draining week, and an afternoon of unpacking, I left for my room and collapsed onto my bed and fell asleep fully clothed.

Yeah I was tired.

After sleeping through the dreamless night, I awoke. It was 6:45 in the morning. I realized that no-one else was up yet so I decided to go for a walk through town, and perhaps meet the neighbors.
I grabbed a sheet of paper and a pencil and scribbled this note:


Mom,

I’ve decided to go for a walk to get
accustomed. Call me if you need anything.
Be back whenevever.

Ben


I laid the note on the table and left. The new house weren’t to far from the neighborhood, although I thought it was a bit isolated. I arrived in the town square. “Wow.” I said. The entire place was empty. “It’s like a well kept ghost town” I said. Nothing seemed abandoned, except a small house that sat off to the side, it was just devoid of all life. ‘No-ones awake yet, I guess.’ I thought. ’ Though I can’t blame anyone though. Its only seven AM.’ I walked onto the road surrounding the park at the center of town. Everything seemed to almost grow off of that park, This created a central effect to the park. There were shops of all kinds on the road that surrounded the park. Restaurants, clothing stores, and a small clothes store that I guessed was family owned. I looked to the east from the road and followed it back to a business section of town. There I saw several brands I recognized. One being Walmart that was attached to a shopping mall. I also saw a few scattered restaurants I recognized. I also saw an AMC theater attached to the mall that served as a second floor. Back west of my position was a school. I turned and squinted to see the sign that had the name of the school. It read Roseville Public High School. “WOOOOOHOOOOO!” someone yelled. “What the…” I began to turn towards the source of the yell. The figure raced by me causing me to stumble, but not fall. “Watch it you idiot!!” I barked as the person rode away on a skateboard. ”Sorry!” the person called as he disappeared into the distance. From the sound of his voice it was a he, maybe thirteen or fourteen. “You’d better be…” I grumbled. Once I had entirely regained balance, I continued my tour of the town. Farther north, beyond the park there was a river and a small water fall. The river bank was lined with trees. I looked through the park and noticed a spot underneath a tree. ‘That looks like a nice place to study and relax. I’ll have to come back here later sometime.’ I thought. I moved off the road and over to a bench and sat for a while. I checked my phone. It was 7:00. I was getting hungry so I left for home.

Good part 2, did you actually wright this? No offence intended, just curious.

well what do you mean? Is this my work? Of couse it is! I’m not plageristic.

This is pretty good >.>

@HB Sorry I didn’t mean to offend or accuse you…..! Roseville….I see now.

not to brag, but I think this may be a BCB first. in the way I try to coneect the comic and reality.

It has been done many a time, believe me ^_^ Although never as professionally as this

So you already get that all the charecters Ive intoduced thus far are human?

Yep I’m not taking English degree for nothing

Good. I just was thinking that I may need to point this out, this being a furry comic and all.

BCB being a furry comic and all

Yeah… but humanfetish suits me fine

I cant wait until next chapter is done, you guys are gonna love it.

I hope…:\

Ok, now I can confidently say that this is a very good piece. I like it a lot, hope the next few chapters are as good as this.

Thank you guys!! This is probably the best responce Ive ever gotten on a fiction!

This shows promise. Don’t let me down.

Well where’s the great second chapter? Also I won’t let this fanfiction die.

I think its bad.

1. You need to Indent paragraphs so its easier to read, Otherwise if someone reads it they might end up skipping sentences by accident and not know it.

2.The time managment is bad and confusing. Its 6:32 then suddenly its 10:52? four hours passed??

3. there are so many typoes in the story / bad grammar, “A few minuets later” for example and “When i leaned the news”.

4.Bad grammar “The new house weren’t so far” should be “The new house wasn’t so far”

Also, you need to separate each line of new dialogue. It’s a huge wall of text and thus not easy to read.

@DrJohn You can hardly talk about grammar if your BCB Wiki edits are anything to go by ¬-¬
Don’t be discouraged, it’s good

Ok… I’m really sorry to say this, but either everyone in here has really low standards, or they’re just blowing smoke up your ass… This fic needs ALOT of work to be good.

The first thing that needs addressing, is the whole “I’m using Humans” thing. Is it an interesting idea? Sure. For a comic. But as a written story, the effect is so cosmetic it barely has any effect on anything beyond the lack of the occasional mention of a tail or some fur. Does it come through in your story? Not really. I had guessed at what you were doing considering your sub-title for the story, and the use of the term “Human” in the story, but TBH it seemed more like a typo than an indicator of what’s going on. “Realistic” is not the word your searching for. Simply using humans does not suddenly make your story realistic.

The way you keep referring to what time it is is also really irritating and pointless. Unless time is a very specific factor in the story (And considering just how frequently we jump several hours ahead in the space of a sentence or two, I can already tell it’s not), then you should be using more interesting ways to let us know time has passed, or in what time of day the events are occurring. “The sun was just setting” or “The cool early morning breeze chilled me” etc. Reading what time it is over and over again feels so dull and robotic. Like I’m reading an instruction manual.

Redundancy is another big issue in this story. You keep either telling us things we don’t need to know, or re-telling us things you’ve already told us. For example, when he leaves a note, you have him exposit what he plans to do, and then you have him write a note that says what he plans to do. Pick one or the other. Either have him exposit to the reader, and just mention that he left a note, or just have us read the note. As for things we don’t need to know? We really don’t need to know every store he noticed in Roseville. And we certainly don’t need to know that he noticed a tree that would be good to study under (Yes, I’m aware that it’s probably supposed to be a reference to the tree Mike sits under, but it’s such a bizarre observation that comes right out of the blue and has no reason to be in the story). Hell, that whole last post you made seemed entirely pointless.

Now, I don’t claim to know what your planning with this story… But thus far it seems to fall into the usual category of “Why is this a fanfic?”

It’s a story about a kid moving to a new town. Is there any need for that town to be Roseville? Does this kid REALLY need to interact with the BCB cast for the story to work? Why isn’t it just an original story about your own character in your own world? Think about that.

It’s just very boring. Very clichéd. And very generic. I’m assuming that you’re going somewhere with the story. It seems that you’re doing some kind of quarantine story where the city is fenced off and people are either going missing or dying? But if that IS the aim, then you REALLY need to get to the point if you want to attract and keep readers.

Spelling and grammar clearly need work, but it’s serviceable I suppose.

Double space each new paragraph from the last (Like how this entire post has been formatted), and make a new paragraph for each person who speaks to make it easier to read.

Once you’ve fixed up these things, then maybe you’ll actually have something worthy of the accolades that some of these people have been giving you. But until then, this is a pretty shoddy effort.

I hope to see you improve though. Keep at it

Perhaps my literary judgement has been somewhat jaded by the atrociously bad insults-to-English that i have been forced to read as a helper at a high school… Yeaah, I agree with Mav. it is good, but perhaps needs work

Sammy just shut up idiot

*Sammy, just shut up. Idiot.



^_^

gj you proved yourself to be an asshole.

And you proved that you are not anyone to make comments about grammar.

No i am someone to make comments about grammar, you cant tell me what i can and cant do

I was just saying that you can’t criticise someone else’s grammar if you yourself are making errors. Oh, whatever, be a hypocrite, I can’t be bothered to argue ¬_¬

I am not the one telling the story i dont need COMPLETELY proper grammar if im just making a comment.

(also please stop fucking the wiki up, its annoying)

I am not fucking the Wiki up. I edited the pages that YOU messed up in the first place. And all I was saying was that if you were going to tell someone that they were using bad grammar, then you should try and use proper grammar yourself.

I didnt mess up any pages, I fixed the ones Frustrated Writer edited to make them have better grammar and spelling (language barrier, FW is spanish and doesnt type english all too well sometimes) so maybe if you were a bit more observant you wouldnt come off as so idiotic and as a wanker

First and foremost, thanks for telling me what I did wrong. Second, Dr. John, the whole time thing, I mentioned the actuall time three times. The passage of four hours was spread over the unpacking of the moving truck and setting things up. I dont know how you missed that but whatever. Third, Suit case, I will admit that the constat eplanation was overbearing. This fan fic is so expository because its in the exposistion still. Fourth, Maverik, This is a realistic fic because I put roseville into a state and put recognizable brand names into the setting, and I cant acctually tell you why elce its realistic, if I did, I would spoil the plot. Not olny Is the “using humans” thing cosmetic, but it is a plot device. I can’t tell you how its a plot device yet, but it is one. Finnally, about the grammar and formating, yes I know, there are no paragraphs and the grammar sucks. I tried, and not being able to use word dosent help. Open Office dosen’t have grammar chek. Thats why it sucks. As for spelling, I’m dyslexsic and writing in genral isn’t easy as it is. Because of that, I half to rely on the spell cheaker to give me the correct word spelling for the situation.
So thanks again for telling me I’m not perfect. I’ll try to fix this stuff in the future.

Also: Dr. John, sammy, shut up. no-one wants to hear you fight over nothing.

^_^ He speaks, we listen…

Let’s take this outside, Johnny Boy ¬_¬

im trying to tell you why its bad and you’re just like “Lol whatever” ok look, im trying to give honest critique here instead of lying to you and saying its good. it isnt.

It’s better than many you will read on this forum. It needs work, definitely, but nothing can ever be perfect.

Why do I get the feeling this is going to be like Sisyphus and the boulder.

I have no idea what that is.

@HB A man cursed by god to forever roll a boulder up a mountain only to have it roll back down. I’m the man, this fanfic is the boulder. If you don’t update this topic i’ll let it roll down the mountain and break when it hits the bottom.

I’ll update when I’m done writing the next chapter.

@HB Okay then. I hope you find a lot of inspiration.

Sunday came. Another day that would be different forever, probably. It was the day when my Dad always came down from Alexandria to see me and Kate. The day I loved so much, the day when I could really relate to someone, someone who thought similarly to me. Just knowing that the amount of time I saw my Dad had decreased drasticly made it hard for me to get out of bed. I would only see him maybe once a year. This was a time when I need a father figure most, and I knew I wouldn’t have one.
I lugged myself out of bed and left the room. I looked out to see the park illuminated by the morning sun . I grabbed a bowl out of a box and opened a cabinet expecting to find Reese’s Puffs stashed with other cereals that weren’t there. I sighed and put the bowl away.
“I miss home.” I said still to tired to show any emotion. I walked out of the kitchen and before I was a single step into the hall, I tripped on the air and fell flat on my face.
“I miss home!!” I whined. I thought that I tripped because I was so used to the inch long drop between the kitchen and the hallway that I miscalculated my stride, tripped over my own feet and hit the floor. That or I was uncoordinated from having just woken up. I smashed the carpet with my fist in anger, and the resounding thud made me feel a little better. I peeled myself off the floor and trudged in to the TV room. I sat in the greenish couch that we brought with us. I was happy for the first time in a while as I lay in the familiar position, sitting up right, pillows supporting my back and my legs stretched out along the length of the couch. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I fumbled for the remote that sat on the fake oak coffee table. I flicked on the TV and the lamp slowly powered up. The sound system snapped alive before the screen was half lit, so I got some audio from CNN.
“Scion genetics incorporated is a multimillion dollar company working with cats, dogs, and human embryonic cells, that is based in Ohio. What they do there is still unknown to anyone but their employees.” the woman’s voice said, wrapping the report up. ‘I really wonder what they do.’ I thought.
I shrugged that off and flipped the channel to Discovery. The chicken cannon episode of Mythbusters was on. I watched that until 10.
“Good morning.” A voice said from the entrance to the room. “Ahh!” I exclaimed. I had not heard her coming down stairs. My Mom laughed. “I’m not used to the stairs being so quiet!” I said. “Sorry.” she replied. She walked over to the couch. “So whats for breakfast?” I asked. “Bacon and eggs.” she stated. “Ok.” I said. She then left the room to begin cooking. The rest of that day went by relatively slowly. Dad was on my mind most of the time. As soon as we finished breakfast we got to work finishing of the last of the unpacking. The sun was absent from the sky when we were done. I walked out the front door and sat on the front step. I looked up at the night sky. It was so clear I could see everything to bee seen. “Oh wow.” I said amazed at the view. It was totally dark out, the only thing that gave light was the moon. I had never seen the sky so bright under its own power in all my life. The sky was full of so many stars that I couldn’t even begin to count them. I sat there for what seemed like an hour looking at the stars. I was getting tired and cold, so I reluctantly went indoors to go to bed.
The whole next week was pretty boring. I wasn’t attending the school yet because I had to be put on record before I could go. Mom said that she would do that next week, after Halloween. The weekend rolled around again and I decided to go for another walk through the neighborhood. I felt almost determined to meet the neighbors. I went on Saturday at elevenish, after a shower. The morning was cool and misty, and I was wearing gray sweatpants and a gray sweatshirt, I had forgotten my hat, so I pulled my hood over my head. I walked slowly letting time creep by so that maybe I might see someone emerge from a house and I could introduce myself. I got to the center of town and went into the park. I looked around trying to decide witch way to go. There was a road leading off to somewhere I hadn’t seen until then. ‘How did I miss that?’ I asked myself. I left the park and went down the road leading into more houses. Once there I looked at the houses that followed the road, and traversed it making my way down a shallow hill. The houses looked mostly the same, only a deck on the second floor or front porch gave the houses identity. I heard two guys walking up from behind talking to each other. One was 15 or 16 and the other was probably 14. I recognized the 14 year old’s voice from some where. I wasn’t sure where yet, but I was about to find out. “Whoa, check that out.” the older voice said. They were no less than ten feet from me now. “What is that th-” The youger one said, cut off by walking strait in to me. I was trying to avoid them but I was to late. I stumbled and fell to the ground, catching my self on my hands
“Excuse me…” I said obviously annoyed. I got to my knees and then on my feet again, however still facing away. “Sorry…” The younger one said. “Hey… I know you. Your that kind who nearly ran me over the other day.” I said. “Yeah, about that.” he said. I turned and pulled my hood off. My face suddenly twisted in to a mixture of confusion and disgust at what seemed to be an orange cat standing on two feet, a bit taller than myself and a chocolate lab standing next to him.

“What the fuck?”
If this is a wall of text still, its not my fault. I tried.

Dammit!!