Bittersweet Candy Bowl

Now Gnukko made a realy funny set called Troll Me. So i thought i might do one of my own but i suck at drawing so i did a text form, so here i go.



The seen opens with a form (Gnukko) straped to a chair exept for one arm, in front of him there is a butten, a clock ticks on the wall.
Gnukko begins to stir.

Gnukko: Uuunnnaaa… Wha, where am I?

Voice: Ahh, your awake. Good. Now we can sart.

Gnukko: Who are you? were are you,show yourself.

Voice: Well it’s a little hard to show myself, being a voice in your head and all, so hows this.

suddenly the arm that wasn’t being restrained jumped up on its own and formed one of those hand faces. Marker had been used on it to make it look like the saw dummy face.

Gnukko: WHAT??? How…

Voice: I’m Lark and all that varnish and brainbleach you used gave birth to me and now i will cause you great suffering, my creator.

Gnukko: You can’t exist!

Lark: Ah, but i do and now i want to play a little game. You see that butten in front of you? Well if it is pushed then unspeakable things will happen to you. I will try to push the butten, if you can stop me for five minutes, i’ll tell you how to free yourself, if not, welll…

Gnukko: I don’t realy have a choice, do I.

Lark: Then lets begin.

The two struggeled for minutes, the hand creeping slowly toward the butten. Just as it was about to reach the butten the ckock struck five minutes. Gnukko relaxed, but the arm jumped forward and slamed on the butten. A large screen started to lower from the ceiling.

Gnukko: Bu-but i won!

Lark: Yes you did, but i play dirty. Enjoy the show…
The screen finished droping and flicked to life
Lark:… you furry.

Images of mass yiffing danced across the screen.

Gnukko: I regret nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!


So thats it, coment as you will. Oh and could someone direct Gnukko to this story please.

Man, without Vincy around, things are quite.

I can make fun of your spelling of quiet if it makes you feel better

I know, my spelling sucks but if thats the only word i mispelled then i did good.

Were the fuck is every body? I know your on Gab, i commented on your art. Geez, expecting to at least get snarked and nobody showes up exept Pants, by the way thanks Pants.

I will get Maverik to grill you over grammar etc if you like ^_^

that’d work, send the grammer natzi

*Nazi

Sorry, that’s one mistake that really pisses me ¬¬

As if i care send them all

Screw it, I’ll do it. In order:

Strapped*, button*, you’re*, where*, how’s*, button*, button*, struggled*, button*, button*, slammed*, button*,

Also, the irritating repetition of the word “button” made me want to bash my head against something.


Hope this will satisfy you until the Grammar SS arrive..

Yes, it helps me learn

Glad to hear you appreciate constrictive cretinism*cough* eh, constructive criticism..

LOL, that was funny, nice going sammy

But i forgot Mav existed, thanks for reminding me sammy.

No probs

Looks like i’m Nazi proof. Anyone has to get me but thanks for the help sam, i need it.

Three hours and not a grammer SS in sight, thats got to be a record. That or they slit their wrists when they saw how bad the spelling was. lol

Still, nada so Ha

BORING AS SHIT AND STUPID

anger nazi

Then fuck off shithead and don’t reply!

Not you nara but yawn

ur boring to talk to larkpoopie

your name tells me to do things… and i do it =(

Wouldn’t it be anger anarchy? ‘Cause, you know, he isn’t trying to control it.

brain nazi

Really? People want me to deconstruct this? Really?

*Sigh*

Also, why do people keep calling me a grammar Nazi? I seriously never look closely enough at these things to get to meticulous grammar and spelling detail. I only ever mention it if theres sentences like “It are good time where happy cake eated.” because it makes it hard to read and make sense of.

Anyway.

The structure is overly simple, the concept is poorly executed and it’s really clear that you were still writing this as though it were supposed to be a comic rather than as a story.

The entire crux of this working in a short story format would have been to be really descriptive of everything that was happening. Instead you skim clean over the only interesting bits with a slight mention rather than an actual description. Yes. I’m sure it all looked very compelling in your head as a comic. But we can’t see that. You need to convey that image to us via the medium your using, in this case, language.

So instead of “The two struggeled for minutes, the hand creeping slowly toward the butten. Just as it was about to reach the butten the ckock struck five minutes.”, we should have had several paragraphs explaining the struggle, showing Gnukko gaining and loosing ground against his phantom oppressor. It’s like, what if you went to go see Saw, and the doll explained the game, but then we cut to some guy who just said “And he did all that stuff and almost broke free.” And then we just see the trap killing them. Any notion of suspense or drama would be sucked clean out of it.

The joke itself was pretty simple and not nearly clever enough to carry the story. If it had been, then the lack of a decent 5 minute struggle might have been passable. And conversely, if you’d had the struggle, then the joke would have seemed better because it feels more earned after going through the whole charade.

With neither a strong joke, or a compelling struggle, the whole thing just falls flat.

There? Are you all happy now? I’ve brought my usual over analytical eye to something that I’m pretty sure only exists so that Lark90 could possibly get under someone’s skin.

I feel dirty now >_>

You spelt clock wrong too Lark….

Guys, I know the title features trolls, but please don’t feed this one. To quote(Goldwulf, I think): “Not another Chazzfullofshit.”

Yeah but I was bored and was seemingly summoned. And I mean, what ya gonna do? Blood contracts and all that fun stuff.

for the record, i made a quick snarky post at work. At work!

I’m bloody dedicated baby

Thanks for the info Mav, i’ll keep that in mind should i try another. And i’m not chaz, just don’t like it when people post shit like “This sucks, go die”. They don’t say how or why its sucks, they just piss all over shit and walk away. And i’m only a troll sometimes but not when i ask for details on how i fucked up. And Pants, yes you are.

And so Maverik retreated unto the depths…