Bittersweet Candy Bowl

Did you hear about the kidnapping?
He woke up

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A Fsh

I saw a man trying to steal my gate the other day, I didn’t say anything… I though he might take a fence
(Say it out loud if you don’t get it)

Man, I had a really great one to post but I forgot it so that’s all for now.

^_^

What starts with “P”, ends with “ORN” and is awesome?











Popcorn!

What starts with “F”, ends in “UCK” and usually means exitement
















Firetruck!

What starts with “A”, ends with “wol” and refers to something off-the-wall?

Awol, of course. ^_^

You guys need some dark humor. Two rabbits walk into a bar. A fox disembowls them. Funny right? Right? Oh jeez, angry mob.

Ah hahahahaha.
Wait…
That wasn’t funny.
It made me die a little inside.

a fox killed my old cat
fuck foxes dude

a coyote killed my kitten

the humor is officially dead in here

“Two peanuts walk through the park, one was assaulted!

…

But Linus refused to press charges.”

kinda depressing


A dingo ate me baby!!

Two women are riding their bikes down a coblestone path one turn to the other and say
“ive never came this way before”
her freind responds
“i know right must be the cobblestones”

Chuck Norris eats rocks and shits lightning bolts

*Obi-Wan Kenobi rubs his temples*
Luke- “Master! Do you sense a disturbance in the force? Like a thousand voices cried out and then were sileced?!”
Obi-Wan- “No, just a headache.”

Chuck norris eats rocks and breaks his teeth and jaw and cuts his own throat internally

A terrible mime is miming a box when he puts one of his hands out too far. He stares at the box and says, “shit.”

That is amusing on so many levels. And I have no idea why ^_^

Mimes do what clowns cannot. Make people laugh.
And I dunno, i thought of that one out of the blue one day and I giggled for awhile.

I’m giggling at it now. ^_^



What’s the difference between cheese and toilet paper?

…If you don’t know that, I don’t think you should be allowed in the grocery store.

Cheese isn’t as absorbent.

That commercial with the pooping bears would be a lot grosser if they had bits of cheese stuck to their butts than bits of a toilet paper.

Ch-ch-cha charming! What a great ad…

If I wanted to see bears pooping I would go to YouTube or watch Tosh.0.

Speaking of Great Jokes, Daniel Tosh doesn’t have any.

Windows is not a virus, viruses do something.

So a priest, a rabbi and a shaman walk into a bar, and the priest starts molesting me.

Okay, so there really wasn’t a bar. And there wasn’t really a rabbi or a shaman.

And the priest was my uncle.

…My uncle touched me a lot.

sad abbey is tha best smiley

I know, right? It’s like the cherry on top of the deliberately depressing cake (which also just happens to be, of all things, a lie).

I like to just imagine all the things that he is probably crying about.
For example, his parental problems, small penis, or Daisy cheating on him with Mike to name a few.

I am disappointed to find that his mother is, in fact, alive.

Does it help that she has incurable mental trauma that torments her daily and prevents her from leading a normal life, If someone wrote a beating and raping fan fiction about her would you be happy then?

not the outcome i was expecting when i bumped this thread…..

Why not, everyone knows the greatest joke in the world is the story of Abbey’s life.

Abbey is the joke, his penis is the punchline. (Alternate ending: His mom is the punchline!)

two atoms go to a rave. after leaving, one of them looks around and says, “hey, i think i lost an electron back there!”
“are you sure?”
“I’m POSITIVE”

Eh… Not really great, but what the heck.


Two blondes are hiking in the woods.
After taking a couple steps, they spot some tracks on the ground.
“Hey, bear tracks!” One exclaimed.
“No… those are obviously wolf tracks.” The other countered.
“No, they’re bear tracks.”
“No, wolf tracks!”
“Bear!”
“Wolf!”


They argued until the train ran them over.




Apologies for any people who feel sick from all the corny humor.

These are some of the corniest jokes I’ve ever heard
Apology accepted, 5ony.

the husband says to his wife, “hey honey, i think i have an erection”

and then he rapes her

A priest, a rabbi, a fireman, Gorden Freeman, a robot, and a marshmallow walk into a bar.
and the bartender says,
“what is this, some kind of joke?”

What do you call a man with no arms no legs and…

1) Is in a pile of leaves?
Rustle

2) Is in the ocean?
Bob

3) Is laying by the door?
Mat

4) trying to work out?
Jim

5) has three eyes?
Seymour

i know there’s more, i just can’t think right now….

6) sex slave?
Nothing. Because he was too young to remember his name when he was sold into slavery and mutilated to keep him from escaping.

needs moar dickbutt

@DritchJaul (Pyrotwister): I knew there were more out there, but I never heard those two xD

The “Bob” one was amusing. ^_^



What was Postman Pat’s name after he retired?
Pat.

chuck norris can kill two stones with one bird

what do you call a guy with a random name?












i was asking you because i didnt know you stupid fuck

man 1: did you know atoms are christian?
man 2: no! i didnt even know they had Mass!

next two are kinda ranchie. do not read if easily offended.
how do you get 1000 babies into a phone booth?
a blender.
how do you get them out?
a straw!

poor form me… poor form…

What a waste of a blender and a straw.

The dead baby do tend to pop up now and then, don’t they ^_^

Only if you don’t bury them deep enough. HEY-OH!

I thought you had sworn off them? ^_^

YOU SET ME UP. >(

Well, of course.