Bittersweet Candy Bowl

I really like to write, but I haven’t really written anything in just over a year now. Well recently I’ve been bitten by the writing bug again and I’ve been wanting to continue work on the “Blademasters” story that I was woirking on back then.
Those who played the SAG might remember the main charactrer Herald (Although he died on ther first fight in that).
I’ll probably be putting it on another site that I like to use to get peer reviews, but I was wondering if you guys here would like to read it?

If you post a link, I’m sure people would be willing to check it out.

Well here we go
Blademasters

Yeah, I’m sure to get bashed on the forum you see it on, they don’t hold back there since it’s specifically for peer review.

Anyways that’s the prologue anf first chapter of Blademasters. It’s a working title, and I’ll admit to being pretty shit at tiles, so if anybody wants to suggest anything, I’ll gladly listen.

Edit: And this is why I stopped posting my work online. People haven’t even had time to read it yet and I’m still freaking out about when the first comment will come in. I get way too freaking nervous about my stories

*Facepalm @ myself* you have to be logged into that forum to see it. *Sigh* I’ll fix it tomorrow.

Registering wasn’t a big issue. The only problems I saw were addressed by the other members on the site, but they didn’t seem like horrific issues to begin with. It looks like it’s going to be an interesting story and I’m looking forward to the rest of it. Keep up the good work.

Since you mention responses Imma assume you read the one on the first page of the thread. That was written and posted just about a year ago. The one one the second page is the rewrite, and the current one as it has gone through some large storyline changes since.

Ok, well I’ll go take another look then.

I don’t know why I couldn’t find that page before. Couldn’t see anything wrong with this one, the extra details this time around really cleared the air and set the stage for what looks like an awesome story. Again, keep up the good work.

Thanks man, I’m just waiting for the writingforums guys to come along now and dissect it now.

I am surprised my story hasn’t been deconstructed by them yet, perhaps writingforums has lost popularity in the year I’ve been gone. Oh well

Here’s the story for anyone whose interested, but didn’t want to sign up for a random forum to see it

~Prologue: Early Morning~

The younger Chiefson woke up with a start and looked around the room. It was the third night in a row he had had nightmares, and he couldn’t remember a single one. He figured it was just nervousness for today. Today was his thirteenth birthday, his first coming of age. The day he would finally receive the weapon forged for him at birth, and the day he would finally have his name bestowed upon him. He looked over to his brother’s bed “Still sleeping, nothing could wake him this early in the morning.” Despite being twins the two were nothing alike, the younger Chiefson briefly wondered how they could possibly have been born only four minutes apart.

For the younger Chiefson the ceremony was to occur exactly two minutes after midday, but for his brother it was two minutes before midday. As the younger Chiefson moved to try and rouse his brother he heard something from downstairs. As he moved towards the stairs he could clearly make out his father arguing with someone, but the other person was talking too softly for him to catch who it was.

“You want to do what? Have you not messed with their destiny enough; have you not spit in the face of Fate enough times already?”
The younger Chiefson could just barely hear the other person responding to his father’s anger. He wasn’t sure, but it sounded feminine.
“I will not stand for this! Their mother, my wife, is dead because of you and your kind tampering with nature! The boys are lucky to be alive today, and now you want to go and… and”
He was cut off there by a stronger voice than the one before; the younger Chiefson recognized it as one of the tribe’s elders.
“That is enough! We are not the ones who changed your family’s destiny. It was someone who understands the will of Fate, but chooses to go against us. Might I remind you that we are the very reason your children survive to this day. It is the will of Fate that your children carry these gifts, and neither you, Frederic, nor any other has any right to deny this. I shall see you at the ceremony.”
None of this seemed right. His mother had died during childbirth, could someone really have been responsible for it? He had never heard of someone who could be so powerful as to be able to change the hands of Fate.
As the people left, the younger Chiefson could hear his father coming for the stairs, likely to wake him and his brother. He quickly slid back into bed so that his father wouldn’t know he was eavesdropping.

~Chapter 1: The Ceremony~

As the two boys finished their breakfast they heard their father yelling at them from outside “Time to go! The ceremony is in a couple of hours and we need to get you two ready for it. I hear the whole tribe will be showing up, I suppose it’s not every day that the chief’s boys turn thirteen.” The boys groaned, they had been preparing for weeks, they were ready now. They followed their father quickly though, as they were both rather impatient. Already when they made it to the temple people were starting to gather around the front.

The boys went into the temple to meet with the elders, and to borrow the ceremonial robes they would be wearing. By the time they really were ready it was only ten to midday. “So,” Said the older Cheifson looking at his brother “What do you think you’ll get? A long sword? Oh maybe you’ll get a pair of dagger”
“You’re the sneaky one; you’ll probably get the daggers if anyone does. I’d say probably just a short sword for me, I like to be fast, but daggers just don’t give enough range.”
Just then one of the elders came out and disturbed their conversation “Elder Cheifson? Your ceremony is about to begin, please go out to the front of the temple.”

From the back the younger Cheifson could hear the crowd cheering for his brother. Then suddenly they went quiet. He wondered why, as that had never happened at any of the comings of age that he had witnessed in the past. He didn’t wonder long though, as soon after the same elder came out and fetched him to the front of the temple. The whole tribe stood before him, still eerily silent after witnessing the elder Chiefson receiving his sword. He could see his brother, now amongst the crowd, he couldn’t see the sword though, too many people in the way. The head elder, a woman who had supposedly been alive centuries ago, at the founding of the tribe, stepped forwards, holding a light blue box.
“Younger Chiefson, are you prepared to take your oath and enter this tribe as a man?”
“I am, head elder.”
“Then place your hand upon this box, and repeat your oath after me: I swear upon this, my sword, to uphold the law of the tribe, that I will care for my tribe and my blade as if they were a part of my own body and that I will strive to improve my abilities for the benefit of all.”
As the younger Chiefson repeated after her the elder nodded in approval. “Then I present to you your blade, may it bring you as much fortune in life as it did its last owner. Open the box.”

The younger Chiefson stayed his hand for a moment. Last owner? He though. One’s first sword is supposed to be forged specifically for a single person at their birth. He had to find out what she meant by this, so he did the only thing he could. He opened the box and gasped. Within was a magnificent looking short sword. The image of perfection, from the single, spherical sapphire adorned with wings as its pommel, to the blade itself, which seemed to shine with a hint of brilliant blue whenever the light hit it just right.

“B-but surely head elder, this can’t be my sword. Th-this is… but this is The Angel, one of the sacred blades of the tribe’s creator. Surely you can’t be giving this to me”
The elder only smiled and nodded at his confusion
“But what about what you taught us all about balance, how the two swords cannot be wielded one without the oth-”
He stopped there and paused, before looking towards his brother, now standing at the front of the crowd. Tied to his waist the younger Chiefson could see a red scabbard, with the hilt of the sword clearly visible. A ruby, held in place by the claws of a demon, adorned its pommel.
“Well go on young one” The elder interrupted his thought “Take the blade that is now your.”

As the young Chiefson gingerly grasped the hilt, he could feel a rush of power surging through him. Almost as if the blade itself had a consciousness which took control of his body, he pulled the sword out of the box and held it high for all to see, before taking a battle stance to test out its weight. He turned to the head elder “I thank you for this generous gift, indeed, I don’t know how I could ever thank you enough!”
She just smiled and spoke loud enough for all to hear “From this day forwards, you are a man, and thus you must have a man’s name. You are no longer simply the younger Chiefson, as decreed by our god Fate, you are now known as Herald Chiefson.”

As he stepped off stage to go join his family, Herald was met by, not the usual cheers of introduction, but rather by a wall of silence. Since the founder of the tribe died, only the elders had been allowed to touch the swords he and his brother now owned. The Angel and The Devil, the power of body, and of mind; of Ice, and of Fire; the very spirit, if the rumours were true, of their past owner brought into the physical world. It was a heavy weight on Herald shoulders, to bear this sword. “So you got The Angel did you Herald?”
“Indeed… wait, you haven’t told me your name yet.”
“Nope,” He sticks out his hand “I’m Roger, nice to meet you Herald.”

Eventually the crowd drifted apart, and people continued on their day to day lives, and yet, Herald and Roger couldn’t help but feel that people were looking at them. A quick glance here and there, it made them rather uneasy.

Later that evening, while the three were having supper, Herald couldn’t help but confront his father. “This morning… I heard you speaking with the elders. Was this-” Gesturing to his sword “what you were talking about?”
His father gave him a stern look before sighing. “How much did you hear?”
“I heard you talking about mom, and about giving us these swords, you seemed very against it.”
Roger just seemed confused during this, he had no idea what his brother was talking about.
“We have a lot to discuss boys, after supper we’ll sit by the fire and I’ll tell you everything.”