Bittersweet Candy Bowl

I am the Anti-Drama! This is your place to boast of your bad-assery, to communicate your kick-assery, to regale us with your tales filled to the brim with awesome. Why NSFW? Because the gloves are off, my friends, and you can say anything.

We (the royal “we&rdquo also accept stories of humorous self-deprecation, as those too are awesome. I, for one, have at least five humiliating stories of me being a dork for every one where I am awesome. In the interest of starting things off, I’ll throw one out there:

In the summer of 2005, I went to a redneck firework show with my girlfriend. By “redneck firework show” I mean a bunch of us got together drunk in the middle of a freshly harvested field with nothing but dirt, fireworks and a pressurized tank of water they got somehow. Anyway, one of her drunk redneck cousins, toward the end of lighting off all the fireworks, got it in his head that the duds in the pile were wasting his money. Naturally, he douses the pile in lighter fluid and sets it ablaze. He was holding a bag of those shell cannisters that make the biggest explosions and one of the sparks flew from the pile onto the bag.

My girlfriend, her friend and I were sitting in a truck bed about twelve feet away when the bag started to explode. Suddenly there’s sparks and fire raining everywhere, and I knew they had a few other accelerants around. I couldn’t think. So I grabbed both of the girls and pulled them under me and held them there until I felt the burning on my back stop.

And that’s the second closest I’ve ever come to a threesome.

This one time, in band camp….


I have nothing humiliating, exciting, or otherwise interesting that I can share… =(

This one time, at band camp…





A guard member hit the tuning slide on my trombone (the piece behind my head) with her flag which caused my mouthpiece to jam against my lips with enough force that I had to get stitches :X

This one time, at choir camp…





I wore a tight white shirt all day, not realizing that you could clearly see my nipples through it. I also won the belching contest semi-finals. ;p

This one time me and my friends got a little ‘inebriated’, and so I thought it stunk in my room, so I grabbed what I thought was air freshener. Turns out it was bug spray, I had sprayed it for a full ten seconds INTO THE CEILING FAN before any of us realized what it was. We laughed so hard we forgot what was going on.

This one time, about three weeks ago, I had sex with a horribly misproportioned girl just to check that I was the one with problems.

Self-fulfilling prophecy.
My hand can love me better than women.

I also got a UTI from putting air soft pellets into my urethra.

Dude…what the FUCK

Freaking ouch.

…Well THAT’S a mood-killer. This is supposed to be a thread about awesomeness.

It’s just too bad i don’t have jack crap when it comes to that.

I was born!

HOW AWESOME IS THAT!? >=D

I LIKE YOUR STYLE! >D

I was born.

Yes, I know, I’m a failure. ^_^

No! Try again! With conviction this time! >D

When I was 13 or 14 or so I had back surgery done, and in the recovery room (the room you wake up in after surgery) they were running the ordinary tests like blood pressure or something, and the nurse asked me on a scale of 0-10 how much pain I was in (0 being none, 10 being worst). I just replied in a tired out voice “Ehh… 4.”, and you should’ve seen how surprised she was!
Later on when the doctor met me he told me that usually they get people saying 8 or above…

I have some damn good pain tolerance! …Although it is understandable considering the reason for the surgery…

I’m throwing up another one:

So I was making out with this girl and things start getting pretty hot, right? It’s about 3:30am and I think, “Well, nobody’s awake, let’s find a place where no one can barge in on us.” I get her in the bathroom, lock the door, and she goes down on me. Now, this had never happened to me before and I can’t help but think how awesome it is, when suddenly I hear, “Hey, [my real name], are you in there?”

At this point, the girl looks up at me like a deer caught in the headlights. My mom is right outside the door. “Yeah, mom, I’m just kind of sick.” She replies, “Have you seen [the girl’s name]?” Me: “Oh yeah, uh, I think she went out to her car to get some stuff.” Mom: “Oh, okay.” She walks away for a second and I send the girl out a door adjacent to the bathroom leading to the garage. The girl comes back inside a second later to see my mom standing there, “Oh, sorry, ma’am, I didn’t mean to worry you. I thought I parked my car in the garage.”

*facepalm* *blush* Lamest. Excuse. Ever. And blue-ball central, to add injury to insult.

Hey it could of been worse…
You could of forgotten to lock the door.

I know, right? Not like I haven’t been busted before, I just don’t care quite as much as long as it’s not my own family.

Agreed, Jerk.
Theres a whole plethora of things I’d be better of with NOT family knowing about

me and my friends took bath robes to school. now you are probably wondering “what the fuck?!” right? well, we took those bathrobes and put them on in the bathroom. we then wet our hair in the sink and on the count of three we all came running out of the bathroom yelling “pervert! pervert! stop looking in our showers!”. we ran all around school and even bumped in to teachers.

also, on our yearly field trip (the one where you stay a night) i walked outside where all the teachers were while wearing nothing bot boxers. when one of the teachers asked me what i was doing i said ‘nothing’ and just kept walking. it was AWESOME!!

i have other stories, but meh…. i will tell them later.

That… is prime cut kick-assery.

I once instigated an orgy in a bar storeroom with 3 lantina’s, the two barmaids, a couple of the locals and the HR manager.

But was stopped by my head chef as I needed to work the next day.

Cock Block or what?

@ Jeff in Aus: Tell it again, but make it a happy ending. ;-;

Jeff, pics or GTFO

How could I have pics if I wasn’t involved.

Sad, I know.

Once, I was walking through the school grounds with my cousin, and we came across a couple of guy’s who had some beef with him. We try ignoring them, but one fellow throws a punch at my cousins head, and purely on reflex, I stick my arm out and literally grab the guy’s fist out of mid air, inches in front of my cousins face.

“Piss the fuck off, and leave us alone”

They immediately left without a word and never bothered him again while he was with me.

@ Maverick

Something rather similar happened to me in high school. Lets just say that a few guys had a beef with me, thought that I was easy pickings, so to speak.

Shortly after, I had the respect of the ENTIRE football team. I even earned the nickname “Psycho” from a few of them. >;3

I’m one of those people that appear to be quite kind and wouldn’t hurt a fly, but are absolutely vicious should you piss them off. And trust me, taking down a human being is surprisingly easy if you possess a far amount of knowledge of the human body…

Here’s a kind of funny one:

My dad ditched his high school prom date to go see Led Zeppelin in concert. 1971, the Led Zeppelin IV album tour. Oh yes.

I once worked 72 hours, doing christmas buffets for 1400 people on an island.

We went through 2 metric tonnes of seafood.

Who says I wanted a picture that had you involve? Get me some pictures of those latinas and the bar maids! DO EET.

Also, you buttmonkeys clearly have no idea how to spin a yarn (excluding Jerk).

*fistpound*

Got hit in the face with a 1x6 the other day.

I haven’t done anything awesome, I’m the kind of guy with a low profile.
The only thing that could be worth mentioning is that I survived a potentially fatal disease when I was very little, but I was so young that I had no influence on the outcoming.
And it has been years since I’ve had any accident, and I almost never get sick. It’s almost like I have a barrier.

One thing I think is nice, the last time I donated blood, my vein didn’t want to get stabbed, so it kept evading the needle. For a few minutes the nurse kept trying to reach the vein, moving the needle under my skin, and when she thought she had it, thrusts the needle, pierces something, but not the vein. Then she keeps looking for it, all this while I feel the needle moving through my arm. In the end she had to pierce my other arm to get the blood. The weird part is that it wasn’t at all as painfull as it sounds, and I kind of enjoyed it.

Hell, I’ll accept anything you’re proud of. Be it pain tolerance or survival or whatever. Me, I’m savin’ my best stories for when the thread starts to die down. Stick around, there’s lesbians ahead.

i was with a few friends outside, walking down the street when a truck drove next to us. the first thing that came to my head? ‘jump on it’. so i did! i grabbed hold of some bars that were sticking out from the back door and latched on to them. the driver never noticed. WIN ;3

I approve! I used to use empty 2L soda bottle (I drank 1 a day in high school) to joust with the neighbors’ mail boxes in my friend’s neighborhood. He could go 60 mph down the straightaway. Hell if I know how we weren’t caught.

I once ate a whole rotisserie chicken in under 3 minutes. I also ate a pizza from little ceasers in 2 minutes flat.

I can’t do that shit anymore.

I once punched someone so many times during one of my boxing matches that he went into a coma for two weeks.

Does that count?

You know it does. ;p

One time I was so manly that my man-ness caused all the other men to not feel like men.

That’s why I’m not allowed to shower at the Y anymore. Oh well. It’s my cross to bear.

Oh yeah?! Well I once managed to rip open a sandbag by punching it to hard!

One time, I flexed my dick so hard, that I CAME fists.

Well I once had a match with this one kid who was debuting for his career, and I beat him down so hard that he’ll never be able to use his legs again! AND I took pictured of his destroyed body while he was knocked out and sent it to his parents, with a note that said, “Nothing personal, I’m just better…”

At least you’re a gracious winner, right?

And what’s that suppost to mean…?

It’s great that you’re a good fighter, but I think everyone can agree that you crossed a line on that one. Not the kind of thing people brag about. But, hey, it’s your call, slugger.

Heh, he had it coming. He was one of those cocky guys who thought he was the shit, when he really was just that… Shit. Well good luck bragging from your wheelchair!