Bittersweet Candy Bowl

Trev, if you send me a word doc file of the whole story, I’ll take a look at it a little more seriously, just send it to gelatinousturncoat@hotmail.com.

So far the story seems more like a futuristic Fire Emblem plot. The intro was a bit bland, and was especially lacking in visual description of silver fang, who is obviously someone of great consequence in the story, but I couldn’t visualize him as anything other than a sephiroth ripoff without some kind of extra information.

Secondly, if you’re going to make a character who’s intelligence is a leading strength of his/her character, you have to make sure that everything they say/do is also reflective of that. I’ve not read enough of the story to tell yet, but if his military wisdom isn’t something that engages surprise later on, it shouldn’t be given so much detail in the intro.

Lastly, try to keep in mind that while the universe is still a big place, in the land of writing, 100% of your universe exists on earth. By that I mean everything you describe needs to be as proportionately detailed or undetailed as though you are trying to fit your universe in a shoebox. Do we really need to know about the whole Federation’s history when we don’t even know what silver fang looks like?

Like I said, I love reading other people’s work, send me a copy and I’ll edit it for you and send it back.

to GoldenArbitor: your question confuses me. Stop getting your hopes up that it WILL continue to be posted or WONT? Cuz im planning on cutting the chord at 15 so I have enough interest (small growing fanbase on DA and other places) so I actually have a solid product to sell. I do intend on getting this published, but if your hoping thats where the money is, id be cautious. Im only doing this as a hobby, not as a full on job for my future.

to HappehFace: You sir are a gift. Thats the kind of critique i’ve been looking for. Im VERY grateful for such in depth input. Thank you kindly

@trev I read the first chapter a little and I immediately recalled a rule my creative writing professor laid out in the very first class: NEVER EVER start your exposition with the protagonist getting out of bed.

never.

It used to be a very inventive way to visually introduce a character in stories, but it has been done and overdone so many times. The main problem with it is that you’re giving us a very bland profile of the main character, rather than incorporating visual elements into the story progressively and allowing the character’s image to seamlessly enter our minds with the rest of the setting. This leaves the rest of the story much blander in detail, and doesn’t give you, the author, much maneuvering room to make the rest of the story visually interesting without being repetitive.

Secondly, this is a futuristic world which is unlike our own, so i’m inclined to ask you that you do not refer to any characters by the human name we give the animal that character resembles most. The reason for this is that you should have a clear mental image of what you want us to see in your character, but when I hear “wolf” and you hear “wolf”, we get different ideas about what we should be seeing. We also don’t get a clear idea of how characters walk, how they do human things, or how they talk like us… it’s distracting to those of us who aren’t already immersed in the world you’re describing to us.

Remember that 100% of your universe exists on earth, you have to make the alien human and the extreme plausible or your story will only immerse the audience that already knows you, your story, and or your thought processes.

PS: SEND ME A HARD COPY SO I CAN SCRIBBLE ON IT >((((

thanls happeh. i’ll get on that