Bittersweet Candy Bowl

I’ve gone in and out of multiple art forms and think i finally found one im good at/ really enjoy. Im a writer.

At this moment in time I am currently working on a book that I hope to have published so that i may make myself known as a writer.

I would be very grateful to my fellow BCB fans out there who have some spare time to come take a look and tell me what they think.

ILB and chazzfullmetal, this means you. (Among many others)

Here is my webpage: http://thetrevmans.deviantart.com/gallery/

Anything with the word “Journey” in the title relates to the story

The Chronicles of Grey Wolf is a work in progress, it HAS typos (trust me, im well aware) which i intend to have fixed soon.

In the meantime, please enjoy.

Random afterthought: if its easier, I could always post the story here

prepare yourself youngling. you have treaded in the realm of the BCB gods. walk carefully, for they are cunning, and one wrong move will ruin you forever

thats just my advice. not good advice because i did just that and now no one here really likes me at all. im close to being banned actually. just hope no one derails the thread like jerks do for fun

@chaz- no-one hates you,
@trev- C001

@chaz: You presumptions fool! Everyone doesn’t hate you! Everyone hates me!

lol. so i take it i should post here?

you kidding me right? dont fuck with me please. summer’s over im back to normal. im not the guy i started out as ime the real deal. the thoughtful, distant, inwardly antisocial guy with a history of jerks beating me up for fun. dont FUCK with me.

i say everyone hates me cuz Taeshi hates me and everyone likes her. thats reason enough to assume the worst. but i still hope for the best. im actually very very worried that saying things like this will clinch it and Taeshi will just ban me cuz she can. i seem to annoy the nicest people the most and not always on purpose. you think my forum repuatations bad? you should see me in school.

@Trev. sure why not. it cant be that bad right? im sure my first fanstory will be a failure but its the only way i’ll learn.

Just because you’re annoying doesn’t mean you’re hated.

@chaz, im hated in school because i have never cared about social rep, only right and wrong, so ive pissed off everyone and been mauled by some guys i beat up for picking on a gay kid.

and yes trev you should post it here.

Yes Trev, you can post it here and people will respond.

Introduction

It is the year 4058X in the Imperia Universe. The Grandios Federation has established itself as one of the greater civilizations of Imperia. Lead by the prestigious Seraph family, the planet has become known for its fair government. The civilization as a whole has prospered tremendously from huge leaps in the fields of science and medicine, which gave birth to one of the strongest military programs to ever be created. The organization, aptly named The Grand Wing, was founded by the strong-willed Sanders family, and has been run by them ever since under the Seraph’s watchful eye. For 30 years, the Federation has underwent intense negotiations with the governments of nearby planets. 4 years ago, negotiations were complete and a treaty was signed marking the creation of the Star Alliance: the greatest trade network and mutual existence system Imperia had ever seen. The Alliance lived in harmony and the inhabitants of the Federation felt a sense of calm that they had never felt before.

But it was not to last.

One year ago, a family calling themselves the Crimson Nobles appeared in the Imperia Universe. They quickly rallied an army and began attacking the Grandios Federation and other members of the Star Alliance. The attacks came at random with little or no predictability. However, each attack was more devastating then the last. The Grand Wing fought there hardest to defend their home world of Grandios. Among them, there was a soldier that stood above the rest in both strength and courage. He was a member of the Grand Wing guard and quickly made his way through the ranks to become the commanding officer of the Special Operations division. His skills both in combat and as a strategist earned him the title as the famous Silver Fang of the Federation. His strategic skills helped the Federation predict Noble attacks with more certainty and over time the number and ferocity of the attacks lessened greatly. The Grandios Federation found itself in a time where things were calm, but danger lurked at every turn. People hailed the Silver Fang for his gifts and unique talents. They believed he was the true hero of the Federation and that he would always protect them. Then, one day, while on a mission to attack the Nobles at the heart of their territory, he vanished without a trace. Without him, the Federation found themselves vulnerable once again to the ferocity of the Crimson Nobles.

No one knows what happened to the now legendary Silver Fang of the the Federation. He was a man that worked solo and all of his military records were considered A-1 classified upon his disappearance. All that is known about the Silver Fang was that he left behind a family. His wife Samantha, and his son Trev Madison. Trev’s father disappeared when he was only 2. He is now 17 years of age and his birthday is only a few weeks away. He hopes to follow in his father’s footsteps and pursue a military career and, hopefully, discover what truly happened to his father the day he disappeared.


This is where our story begins.

hmm… ill read/comment later… too tired for higher cognitive function…

@taeshi: you called?

@trev: so far, good intro, good story, i would read on. in fact, if you post more here (or on deviant art(havnt actually chacked there so if there is more, i apologize))

also, way to self insert… +2 ego points for you.

……dont wanna be this guy, but taeshi arent YOU derailing the topic by talking about how chaz derails topics?

quick question, how do you go about banning someone when there is no requirement for a profile? (if you dont want to answer i understand)

yeah i know, i just love irony, no matter what the situation.

IP address?

huh… so was that an answer or are you just calling out kazi?

oh yah. i do. it was great story. a good read… o wait… ive done this before havnt i? o well. anything worth saying is worth saying twice.

If I had to offer any critique, and I was trying to figure out a way to articulate this earlier, I’d suggest not going into so much detail about certain things like descriptions. As far as writing is concerned, it’s better to leave more to the reader’s imagination than to show everything that’s going on in your head.

just read part of it, sweet mon!
(jamaican accent intended)

I liked it (so far I’ve only read the introduction, but I’ll read the rest later). But as Johnny says, perhaps you should inform us a bit less? Otherwise, it gleams as the start of a very intriguing story.

But hey, who am I to criticise ^_^

alright. next up chapter 1

-BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!- “nngh…too early….” -BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!- A young wolf scratched his head and rolled over. “I’ll get up later…” he grumbled. -BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!- Finally, smashed his clocked and growled “Fine. I’m up I’m up.” The young wolf groaned as he got out of bed and went into the bathroom. He looked into the mirror and cringed. His Grey fur looked dull and was matted against his body in thick clumps. His shimmering deep blue eyes were partially covered by his over grown bangs, and his tail looked like a big ball of fluff. The young Grey wolf sighed to himself. “I really need to stop looking at myself in the mirror before a shower,” he thought aloud. He measured himself before getting in the shower. “5ft 11. nice,” he said proudly. He turned and got into the shower, and as he reached to turn the shower on, he heard his mother’s soft voice carry up to his bathroom from downstairs. “Trev? Are you up?” Trev rolled his eyes. “Yea mom,” he called. “I’m just about to take a shower.”
“Alright dear. Anything for breakfast?”
Trev thought for a second. “Hmmmm, just some cereal today. I have a lot to do today so I don’t have a lot of time to eat.”
“Sure thing dear. Now hurry up! You have to be at school soon for graduation.”
Trev chuckled as he turned the shower on. “Will do mom! Be down soon.” He smiled to himself as he showered.
The day had finally come. He had worked hard for years and now here he was, graduating high school. On top of that, he was graduating with top honors and the president of his class. To him, it felt like a dream, but to everyone else at the school, no one could compare to Trev’s accomplishments. His achievements in middle school allowed him to skip freshman year entirely. By the second semester of his Junior year, he has established himself as a strong leader in the school and a powerful fighter. He held titles in every competition that his schools martial arts program had to offer. But it wasn’t his ferocity that made this feat so impressive. It was his compassion. Trev has shown interest in combat from a young age. Something that many believed was purely genetics. However, Trev fought differently then most other people. He showed restraint and caring towards his opponents. Those that fought Trev didn’t find themselves angry when they were defeated. They felt humbled by the match and used it as inspiration to further their skills. By senior year, Trev was head of the martial arts club and had gained respect from a large portion of the student body for his fair judging of matches and his kindness to students in need of academic assistance. He had also gained a reputation as the school’s number one eligible bachelor and was the target of many complicated romance schemes. Trev had never been one for fancy relationships and was rather old fashioned in his ways. So it was no surprise that many of these plans that girls created tended to fail. What was a surprise to so many was when he finally said yes. The surprise came from the fact that he said yes to one of the least popular girls in school. She was a young feline with red fur and dark brown eyes named Lorraine O’ Conner. She wasn’t unattractive, but she was really shy and quiet. She worked up the nerve to ask Trev out one day during lunch period. He said yes. The rumor was that he said yes because she had manipulated him, but in truth Trev said yes because she was straightforward with him and didn’t pull any wild tricks. They had been together ever since.
Trev shut off the shower after making sure he had gotten all the soap out of his fur. He combed his hair and looked in the mirror again. His fur now had a slight shimmer to it and his hair was much better kept. He grinned at his reflection. “It’s going to be a good day.” he said as he went back into his room to get dressed. He opened his closet and looked around, wondering what to wear. He settled on a pair of brown khakis, a white button up shirt and a scarlet red tie. Once he was dressed he ran downstairs just as his mother was pouring a glass of orange juice for him.

She gasped and smiled warmly when she saw how nicely he was dressed. “Oh dear, you look so handsome!” She wiped a tear from her eye. “I’m so proud of you sweetie.”
Trev rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Mom, its not like I’m leaving forever. Try not to cry.”
She wiped her eyes as she began sobbing. “I can’t help it. You know how emotional I get.”
Trev smiled and hugged her. “I know mom,” he said comfortingly. “Don’t worry though. I’ll still be you little boy when this is all over.” His mother looked at him with her shimmering topaz eyes and burst into fresh tears. Trev just smiled and held her until she had managed to calm down a little. Then he sat down, had a few bites of cereal, and drank his coffee. He smiled. “Nice work on the coffee mom. Its not as tart today.”
“I try,” she said with a smile. Then she caught site of herself in the mirror and laughed. “I look terrible. My fur looks off white now.”
Trev chuckled. “thats what happens when you cry mom. White fur looks bad wet.” The two laughed together happily. Trev was so glad he had a mom that supported him and loved him as unconditionally as she did. They had always had a great relationship and he couldn’t help but be proud to call her his mom. He looked up at the clock as he cleared the table. “Well I better get going. Lorraine is probably wondering where I am.” He head for the door then paused when he heard his mom call after him, “Trev hold on!” He turned around as he saw his mother rush up to him from the kitchen. She stopped in front of him and smiled wide. “I wanted to give this to you after your graduation but I just can’t wait. Close you eyes and hold out your hand.” Trev looked at her confused then reluctantly did as he was told. He felt her place something cold and metallic in his hand. “Open your eyes,” she said with obvious excitement. Trev looked at his hand and gasped. “Mom, is this,” he asked in total awe, “is this a card key for an AX-10?” She nodded with pride. “It’s sitting in the garage right now. I had the car company deliver yesterday while you were at school. Go ahead and take it for a ride. Happy graduation sweetie.” She hugged him and Trev hugged her tenderly. “Mom, thank you.” He smiled at her then took off running towards the garage. He grabbed his hover-board on his way and stopped when he got to the garage door. His heart nearly jumped out of his chest when he saw it. There, in the middle of the garage, was a brand new jet black AX-10. The AX was the hottest sports car on the market and the model 10 had just been released a few weeks prior. Trev walked around and examined it closely inside and out. Leather seats, surround sound stereo, 0 to 100 in less then a second, advanced air cushion system, and the latest in hover technology. It was any young mans dream, and here it was in Trev’s garage. Trev set his hover-board in the trunk and had a wide grin on his face as he opened the door to the car. Once he was seated and buckled in, the remote key system started the reactor core and the car roared to life as it lifted off the ground. Trev put on his sunglasses as he backed the car out then shot off down the street towards Lorraine’s house. He glanced at the rear view mirror and saw his mother waving from the front door of the house. He smiled and honked his horn before he turned the corner and she was out of site.

Trev slowed down as he got close to Lorraine’s house. He couldn’t help but wonder what her face would look like when she saw him pull up in a brand new car. He looked over at her house as he got close and laughed as he saw Lorraine coming out and nearly fall over in shock as she saw the car. Trev rolled down the window. “What do you think,” he called from the car. She blinked and smiled a little as she approached. “Wow Trev,” she said in awe. “This car is amazing!” Trev nodded in agreement as the door swung open. “Hop in. Graduation rehearsal starts soon.” Lorraine glanced at the car nervously and Trev smiled. He couldn’t help but enjoy how nervous she always got around new things. It was something he had come to really adore about Lorraine. “Don’t worry,” he assured. “It’s totally safe. She looked at him then carefully got into the car, being sure not to step on her red skirt.”
Trev looked at her and smiled as he started driving. “You look as beautiful as ever today Lorraine. Is that a new skirt?” Lorraine nodded as she began to relax. “Yep. The blouse is new too. Dad got me a whole new outfit for graduation.. Trev glanced over at her to see the blouse. It was black with royal red streak patterns across the front. “Very nice,” he mused. “It looks great on you.” Lorraine blushed slightly. “Thanks,” she said rather quietly. “I thought I looked over-dressed.” Trev chuckled. “You shouldn’t worry about things like that. Its graduation after all. You should live it up a little. She looked thoughtful for a moment. “Maybe you’re right,” she said finally. “I shouldn’t worry about being overdressed. I’ll just have fun with it.” Trev smiled. “Sounds like a plan.” The two drove in silence the rest of the way to school. To other couples, the thought of silence probably seemed pretty unbearable, but Trev and Lorraine both believed there was more meaning in things that weren’t said. So the silence was comforting to them.
Trev sighed as they pulled into the school parking lot. “Crap.” Lorraine’s ears perked up and she looked at Trev curiously. “Whats wrong Trev?” Trev shook his head and pointed without a word. Lorraine followed his finger and saw a girl jumping up and down and waving wildly. Lorraine’s eyes widened. “Is that Aleena Sanders!?!?” Trev growled and nodded. “The one and only.” Lorraine looked at him in shock. “You know the Sanders family,” she squeaked. Trev merely nodded. “My dad and commander Sanders were close friends back in the day. Aleena and I used to be playmates a long way back. I’m not to fond of her, but she’s pretty much obsessed with me. Lorraine’s voice dropped to a whisper. “Oh,” she said in a shy and somewhat nervous tone. “I see.” Trev looked at her and sighed. “Don’t worry. Shes a pain but she’s pretty friendly.” Lorraine nodded in understanding and the two got out of the car. There were hundreds of other graduates chattering away at the front of the campus, and Aleena, a light brown furred cat with topaz eyes, was jumping up and down with joy. “Hi Trev! I can’t believe we’re graduating today!” Trev groaned under his breath, and put on his best smile. “Hey Aleena,” he called. “Good to see you.” He walked toward her with Lorraine trailing close behind him. As he got closer, his breath shortened as he caught a glimpse of shining deep blue fur close by Aleena. All of the students nearby fell completely silent as the blue became more prominent. Then Trev stopped dead in his tracks as his instinct was confirmed. There, now standing beside Aleena with a large smile, was none other then Greg Sanders. He was a tall aqua blue cat with topaz eyes, towering at over 6 ft tall. He wore a formal suit with a short cape bearing the mark of the Grand Wing.

Mr. Sanders was better known as the Azure Captain. He was well known for his skills as a military strategist and was the commanding officer of the entire Grand Wing military. Trev found himself saluting as he stood before this icon of the Federation’s militaristic strength. “Commander Sanders!” Trev said with as much assertiveness as he could muster, “It’s an honor to see you again, sir!” The commander looked down and broke into laughter. He spoke in a gruff voice, “Trev Madison! Its great to see you again lad. You’ve grown quite a bit.” He seemed to study Trev for a moment. Trev noticed a lot of the others students staring at him. He sighed under his breath. He always got that look when people heard his last name. It was probably all the more odd having it come from the commander of the Grand Wing. “My boy, you’ve definitely gained some of your fathers assets. He’d be very proud of you if he were here.” Greg slapped Trev on the shoulder and grinned. Trev grinned up at Greg and looked thoughtful. “Thank you sir,” Trev said quietly. “That, that really means a lot to hear right now.” Greg just smiled. “Glad to be of service Trev, and feel free to call me Greg. I’ve never really been a fan of formalities.” He chuckled and Trev laughed. Greg looked to his daughter Aleena. “Aleena lets allow Trev some time to converse with his other friends. You’ll see him later on anyways.” Aleena smiled. “Alright dad,” she said as she turned to Trev. “See you later Trev!” she called in a sing-song voice as she walked away with her dad. Trev waved back, “see ya.” The sighed as he felt thousands of eyes on his back. He growled under his breath. “Hey,” Lorraine whispered. “Come on, lets go somewhere more quiet it. It’s making me uncomfortable seeing all these people staring at you.” Trev nodded. “Yea,” he said in a rather dejected tone. “lets go.”
The two walked back towards the gymnasium where the graduation was going to be held. Everyone was signing yearbooks and reminiscing with their fellow classmates so no one was really hanging out by the gym. For the time being. It was quiet. Trev groaned. “Man, its really tough being compared to the infamous White Fang sometimes. You know what I mean?” He turned to look at Lorraine. She sighed. “Sorry Trev. I don’t understand. But,” she added comfortingly. “I do know that your fine just the way you are. It’s not like you have to live to your dads name-sake or anything.” She wrapped her arms around him and kisses his cheek. Trev smiled and hugged her back. “Thanks Lorraine. But you know, despite having to deal with all the weird looks, I really would like to follow in my dads footsteps.” Lorraine gave him a harsh look. “You not seriously still thinking about joining the Grand Wing are you? You know how I feel about that.” Trev sighed. “I know Lorraine, and I thank you for your concern. But the fact of the matter is, I do still want to join. I want to live up to the Madison name and hopefully find out what really happened to my dad.” Lorraine looked at him and gave a small smile. “Well, fine. But your not 18 for another 2 weeks. I’ll find a way to convince you otherwise within that time.” She winked at him and Trev couldn’t help but chuckle. “Confidence? That’s rather new for you Lorraine.” Lorraine just giggled. “It comes and goes,” she said playfully. “Anyways why don’t we go get our yearbooks signed? Graduation is soon. Lets make the best of the time we have left as high school students. Trev smiled and nodded. “Alright, lets go.” The two smiled at each other then walked back towards the front of the school, and towards the end of their long education.

There. thats all chapter 1

hmm.. still good. id still read further. (how much have you written, and how much have you posted on DA?)

i do notice however, that you switch in between tenses alot. you should watch out for that.

other than that, its great.

Yes, the story is well written. The prologue is a bit heavy with information, but you avoid that in the main text. The only advice I can give you is to look for more synoyms. For instance, in chapter 1 you use the word “car” a lot in a short passage of text. Try using “vehicle”, “AX-10”, “automobile”, “ride”, words like that. Same in chapter six, you repeat the phrase “break rank” a bit too often. Consider other ways of putting it, like “he detached himself from the group”, “she left to join her squad”, “she walked off to meet with her team mates”, and such.

Also, this is really not a crucial point, but I think you should give your main character another name than Trev. It seems a bit awkward the way it is now.

But it is indeed work well done, and I would definitely read the whole book. Unfortunately, I have no dA account and my computer does not allow me to make one (I’ve no idea why), so I could not read chapters 2, 5 and 7. I hope you will be posting them here? ^_^

Wait, that didn’t come out right. I’m sorry, dear. ^_^

*chuckles* no worries. Im very grateful for the critiques. they really help me to improve. And yes i will continue to post here

Chapter 2 folks:

Trev sat up on the gymnasium’s stage alongside all his fellow graduates. He smiled as he saw his mother and Commander Sanders both sitting in the front row and listening intently to the principle’s speech. The principle, an old Grey ferret, was just finishing up his speech on decisions and proper choices. “…and with that in mind, it is a pleasure to present to you the graduating class of 4058!” The principle gestured to all the students sitting behind him and the entire audience burst into thunderous applause. Trev smiled and glanced at Lorraine. She was glowing with happiness as she sat beside Trev. Her father, a black cat named Jared, was probably clapping and whistling louder then anyone else in the entire gym. The principle then raised his arm to quiet the crowd. Trev took a deep breath and mentally prepared for what was next. The principle cleared his throat. “Now as you all know, every year a class president must be elected to represent their graduating class. This year, I am glad to present to you all one of the finest students that this school has ever seen.” Trev rolled his eyes. Here we go, he thought. The principle continued, “this young man is graduating with top honors. He is a student that requires no introduction. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my honor to present this years class president, Trev Madison!” The entire auditorium burst forth in applause as Trev stood up and walked towards the podium. As he walked forward, Trev looked out at everyone in the room. He saw many familiar faces of parents and friends, but something caught his eye that seemed out of place. There was a shifty-eyed dark brown lemur sitting at the back of the auditorium. Trev looked at him curiously. The lemur looked too young to be a parent, yet he was definitely older then any of the students. Trev shrugged slightly and decided it be best if he not worry about it. After all, it wasn’t like a weird lemur was anything of his concern.
Trev cleared his throat as he stepped up to the podium and the room fell silent. “Parents, faculty, friends, esteemed guests,” he said with presence. “It is a true privilege to stand before you all today. These fine men and women that sit here behind me have all worked their hardest to be here in front of you today. In these uncertain times, I think that is something that is to be commended. “His voice escalated, “Don’t you?!” The crowd cheered. Trev smiled. “Yes, in these uncertain times, when our precious Grandios way of living is threatened, these students gave their all. This is the next generation, and I believe that the Federation has never been in more capable hands.” Trev’s voice escalated further, the intensity of his speech building. “These students overcame academic struggles, social anxieties, and their own conflicts, to make their way to this stage to be with you all today! I don’t think I could be more proud to call myself the president of the 4058 class!” The audience cheered again and all the students looked in awe at Trev. Lorraine was smiling wide. This was Trev’s inner leader. His speaking skills were immaculate and he could rally an entire crowd in a matter of minutes. That, however, was abundantly clear. His ability to speak in such a powerful voice was the guiding factor of many of his classmates. He had spoken at every spirit rally and every sports game that his school played throughout senior year. It was the first time the school had had a perfect season in sports since his father, the White Fang, had walked the halls.

Trev’s voice escalated to its peak as he reached the end of his speech. “This class can follow their dreams to the stars and beyond. We can do anything we set our minds to, and we will! Ladies and gentleman, THE GRADUATING CLASS OF 4058!” The entire auditorium, spectators and students alike, erupted in cheer and applause. Trev smiled and bowed. Before he returned to his seat, he noticed the odd lemur again. He was sitting quietly at the far end of the room, as if the speech had meant nothing to him. Trev turned to go back to his seat, deciding he would keep an eye on the lemur. Something seemed wrong, but he couldn’t tell what. As he returned to his seat, he noticed his fellow students fall silent, then the entire hall was silent save for one pair of hands clapping. Trev paused and turned around again. His eyes went wide as he saw Commander Sanders standing up clapping. Trev bowed slightly once again, slightly confused. The commander then cleared his throat. “Trev Madison, my compliments on such a compelling speech. I must say, I’m impressed.” Trev looked at the commander curiously. “Um, thank you sir.” The commander turned and took a long package out from under his seat then walked up on stage, drawing looks of confusion and awe as he walked to the podium. He turned to Trev. “Mr. Madison, would you join me over here for a moment?” Trev nodded silently and returned to the podium. He glanced at Lorraine who gave him a confused, nervous look. Sanders cleared his throat. “Ahem. Trev, I would like to personally congratulate you on graduating this prestigious school.”
“Well, thank you sir. Bu-”
“and furthermore,” Sanders continued. “I congratulate you on being elected class president. So, it is my honor to present you with a special gift.” Trev looked curiously at the commander as he held up the long, thin package. “This gift, is the greatest award any person could receive.” He handed the package to Trev and gestured for him to open it. Trev stared at the package, then slowly began to open it. As he did, the whole crowd gasped and Sanders smiled. “This,” he said with a proud voice, “is the blade of the legendary White Fang of the Federation. It was requested of me that, if you graduate, this be given to you as a token of the Federation’s pride in you, and your family.” Trev stared at the incredible gift he now held in his hands. He looked up at commander Sanders. “Sir, thank you,” he said in a whisper. “This is incredible.” The commander smiled. “Please Trev,” he said. “Just call me Greg.” Trev smiled. “Thanks, Greg.” Greg nodded with approval then turned to face the audience, as did Trev. “Ladies and Gentlemen. Another round of applause for the president of this years graduating class, Trev Madison!” The audience was silent for a moment, comprehending what had just occurred. Then, all at once, the entire hall burst out in thunderous cheers and applause. Trev’s mother was crying, Jared O’ Conner was whistling and clapping as hard as he could. Trev smiled as he looked around at everyone, seeing how much support he had. Then, his smile vanished and a look of horror crossed his face. “WATCH OUT!” He screamed and he knocked Greg sideways.

-CRACK!-

Trev howled in pain and collapsed to the floor. He looked out across the auditorium. Standing in the middle of all the now screaming patrons, was the lemur. He was smirking as he turned his pulse gun and aimed it at Greg.

-CRACK!-

Trev watched the lemur’s eyes grow wide as he collapsed to the floor. Trev looked over in panic and sighed with some relief when he saw Greg standing firm, holding a standard issue light pistol. Greg turned, holstered his pistol, and rushed to Trev’s side while students and facilitators were yelling with fear. “Trev,” Greg called over the madness. “Are you hurt!?” Trev tried to move and felt a sharp pain in his right arm. He winced. “Yea, the shot hit my arm.” Greg nodded and stood up. He raised an arm and the screams slowly began to quiet. Trev used his good arm to help get back on his feet, then gripped his right, clearly in serious pain. Greg had switched over to his work. His eyes were now razor sharp and serious, darting around the room, analyzing the situation. “Everyone!” He spoke in a booming voice as he relayed commands. “This is clearly the work of the Nobles and their supporters.” There was fresh panic but Greg quickly silenced it. “The attacker has been dealt with! Someone contact the local Medical Division IMMEDIATELY! We have an injured student!” One of the teachers volunteered and quickly rushed out of the auditorium to access the schools emergency communication system. Greg turned back to Trev. Lorraine was already beside him looking at his wound. Trev looked at Lorraine in surprise. Her eyes were poised, focused. Something he had never seen. “Lorraine? Wha-”
“Hold still Trev,” she interrupted. “I took several advanced medical courses outside of school.” She looked up at Greg. “Commander Sanders would you be so kind as to fetch the gym Med-box? It is behind the curtain over there on the left.” She pointed to where the box was hidden. Greg looked at her with a smile. “Of course,” he said then ran to get the box. Lorraine hissed slightly. “Whats wrong,” Trev asked. Lorraine shook her head. “I don’t know what that guy was using but it did some serious damage. I can’t find the wound.” Trev looked down and saw what she meant. His fur was now matted and stained with blood. It was hard to tell where it was coming from. Lorraine kept her focus “Found it,” she said finally, then gasped. Trev looked at her with worry. “What is it,” he asked. She looked at him worried. “It’s serious Trev, he hit a tendon.” She pressed the injury lightly and Trev yelped in pain. “Sorry,” she said apologetically. Trev grimaced. “It’s alright. Just try to be gentle.” She nodded as Greg returned with the Med-box. “Thank you sir,” She said gratefully. “Open it and please hand me the pulse lazer.” Greg looked at her in amazement. “That’s some seriously advanced equipment miss. You sure your up to it?” Lorraine nodded confidently. Greg was skeptical but handed her the small pen-shaped device. She flipped the small switch on it then held it up to the wound. “Trev this will sting, but try to stay still.” Trev nodded then winced as Lorraine began zapping the sides of the wound with small lazer bursts. He held his breath and tried not to yelp as she began trying to reconstruct the tendon with it. Greg looked on in amazement and Lorraine never even blinked. Her face more serious then Trev had ever seen her. After several long and painful minutes. She turned off the device and wiped a little sweat from her fur. “There,” she said contently. “That should hold it over until the Medical Unit arrives.” Trev looked at her as she stood up then swiftly wrapped his good arm around her. “Lorraine,” he whispered. “That was incredible” He then held her tight as he heard her begin to cry. “Trev. I was so scared,” she said between sobs. “I was afraid you were a goner.” Trev smiled and lightly patted her back. “I’m alright now though, and that was incredible.”
“I agree,” said Greg, impressed. “That was some of the fastest medical work I’ve ever seen! That was truly amazing.” Lorraine managed to calm herself and smiled. “Thank you Commander. I’ve always wanted to help people and so I’ve been taking courses every day after school. What I did was really nothing special. I simply followed procedure.”
“What you did,” countered Greg. “Defies procedure. I’ve never seen a medical technician go strait for the pulse lazer after analyzing a wound. On top of that,” Greg smirked. “I’ve never seen someone make an accurate diagnoses of that sort of wound with just an eyeball view. I’m very impressed.”

Lorraine’s face turned a light shade of pink, her shyness returning. “Oh, thank you very much.,” she said quietly. Trev smiled, patted her shoulder, and the two looked at each other smiling. The two gazed into each others. “Lorraine. Your amazing.”
She blushed. “Not as amazing as you Trev. You saved the commander after all.”
“Yea. But you saved me.”
“I had to Trev.”
He looked at her. “You didn’t have to do anything.”
Lorraine looked down shyly. “Actually,” she said timidly. “I did have to.”
Trev looked at her with a soft smile. “Well why did you have to?”
Lorraine’s voice dropped to a whisper. “Because.”
Trev raised an eyebrow. “Because? Because why?”
Her voice was almost inaudible now. “Because, I love you Trev.”
Trev’s eyes widened in surprise then he smiled softly. He placed a paw under under her chin and lifted her face, looking into her eyes. “Lorraine, I-”

“EEEK! HE’S STILL ALIVE!”

Trev, Greg, and Lorraine all turned around and saw the lemur, injured but alive, laying on the ground with his weapon poised. He was aiming at Trev. “This time,” the lemur said in a low voice. “I’ll make sure you don’t get in the way.”

Lorraine screamed. “NOOO!”

-CRACK!-

“LORRAINE!”

“Dam girl! This time your mine!”

-Click-

“…what?”

-Click-

The lemur looked up at the stage in terror. His gun had jammed. Trev caught Lorraine as she fell. Greg looked on in shock. The lemur was clearly no longer a threat and there was a more pressing matter at hand. Lorraine was wounded. Badly.

Trev cradled Lorraine in his arms. The sounds of screaming were drowned out as he focused only on her. Her shiny reddish-brown fur was stained with blood and her clothes were slowly soaking up blood. “Lorraine,” Trev whispered, his voice shaking. “Why? Why did you do that!?”
Lorraine looked up at him with a soft smile. “Trev, I already told you why. I, I love you.” She suddenly began coughing violently. Trev looked panicked. “Lorraine!” The coughing fit subsided. “It’s alright Trev. I’m happy…that I got…to be with you.” He looked at her sadly. “Lorraine. What are you saying,” he asked, his eyes welling up with tears. He grew fearful as her breathing slowed. “Lorraine,” he begged. “Stay with me! I can’t lose you!” Lorraine’s voice was faint. “Trev. Follow your….dream. For…both…of us” She looked up at him lovingly, and then was gone. The spark of life had left her eyes. “No…” Trev said in defeat. “No, no no no no NO! LORRAINE!!!” Trev shook her as the medic arrived in the gym.

“Get up here now!” Greg yelled. But it was too late. Trev knew she was gone. He looked up, his vision clouded with tears. He saw the lemur dragging himself towards the door. Trev snarled, his sadness turned to anger. “YOU BASTARD!” He screamed. “THIS IS YOUR FAULT!” Trev’s anger grew and his vision became red. “YOU. WILL. PAY!” Without hesitation, Trev grabbed Greg’s gun off of the commanders belt and leaped from the stage.

The lemur, along with the hundreds of students and parents in the gym, watched in horror as Trev ran towards the back of the gym.

“DIE YOU PATHETIC LITTLE MAGGOT!” Trev’s voice boomed with rage. It was a voice no one had ever heard before, and many wished that they would never hear again. For one, it would be the last he ever heard.

“W-wait, don’t! I-I was just following orders!”

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!”

“AHHHHH! DEMON WOLF! HELP ME!”

-CRACK!-
-CRACK!-
-CRACK!-

With each shot students cringed in horror as they watched the once calm and collected Trev go mad with rage. Greg was perhaps the most stunned.

-CRACK!-

“Dear god,” whispered one patron in horror.

-CRACK!-

“He’s dead already!” Called a student, frantic.

-CRACK!-

“TREV! STOP!” His mother cried, fearing for her son’s safety and sanity.

-CRACK!-

“YOU MONSTER! YOU KILLED HER! YOU KILLED LORRAINE!” Trev was oblivious to everything around him now. Teachers and several members of the martial arts team tried to restrain him, but his anger couldn’t be contained.

-CRACK!-
-click!-
Trev yelled in anger and frustration. The weapon was out of ammo, but his maddened state would refuse to comprehend this.

“RAAAAAAUGH!’

-CRUNCH!-

(note: i intend to redo this later. After reading over it, all the sound effects make it sort of childish)

Trev collapsed to the floor. Everyone looked up in shock as Greg cracked his knuckles. “I’m sorry Trev, but you needed that.” Trev lay on the floor now, unconscious with blood trickling from his mouth. Greg looked up at the crowd. “Everyone. What happened here is truly a travesty, and I am so sorry for this horrific disturbance.” Jared O’Connor rushed forward. “DISTURBANCE!?!?!” He yelled with fury. “YOU CALL THIS A DISTURBANCE!?!?! MY DAUGHTER IS DEAD!” Greg sighed. “Mr. O’ Conner. I’m truly sorry for your loss. But, as you can see…” He gestured to the limp, bloody, bullet-ridden corpse of the lemur, “there is nothing we can do.” Jared hissed in anger and sadness. “Fine, but you tell me the minute that boy wakes up!” With that, Jared turned and stormed off. Greg merely nodded. “Medic,” he said. One of the members of the medical unit stepped forward. “Yes, sir!”
Greg turned to the middle-aged brown lynx and gestured to Trev’s limp body. “This is Trev Madison. Take him to Grand Wing Medical and give him top treatment. He is, as of this moment, priority number 1.” The medic saluted, “Yes, sir!” Then began directing his men to take Trev. People began to leave the auditorium, unsure of what to do, and many still in shock. Greg returned to the stage as Trev was taken away, and looked down at Lorraine. “You poor, sweet, naive girl. Your sacrifice was entirely unnecessary.” He shook his head, then reached down and picked up Trev’s sword. “He’ll be wanting this when he wakes up.” He looked at Lorraine again and sighed. “You would have made a great medic…” The he placed Trev’s sword on his shoulder, and walked away.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is chapter 2

Mmh. Yes, those onomatiopoeia get a bit obnoxious after a while. But you’ve done a good job with this as well. ^_^

why thank you

but… i liked loraine… she would have been a great medic…. *tear*

o well. still a good story. keep it up. (you had better write more chapters shortly! at this rate, ill be done chapter 10 in about an hour…. )

just because i have to say it: i love it when people know what there talking about. (chapter 8)

another question: how many chapters are you planning to post online?

i only ask because i am poor, and going through many a level of school… so no chance for a job… i just wanted to know so i could stop getting my hopes up…