Bittersweet Candy Bowl

Ha. I laughed so damn hard at this.

…

…

AHHHHHHHHHHH D: I’m gunna be a serial killer AHHHHHHHHHHH D:


But in all seriousness I found the prose a bit clunky, and a bit too purple. Also the “Twist” ending seemed more random than anything else. I just don’t see how this all fits together and makes sense, no matter what creative license I give you to make Sandy insane, and Augustus a manipulative genius. Had the mask come off to reveal David crying, “Why won’t you looooooooooooooove me Mike!” it really would have had about the same effect for me.

Also: Mike didn’t die of blood loss? What? All that adrenaline would have bleed him dry in like a minute flat.

@Alphonse
If you read close, there’s very subtle hints to it being Sandy throughout. I agree that it’s kinda simple and repetative, but to be honest, this, much like Comfort Me, was a concept piece in which I attempted something new.

As for the blood loss? Well. I will take solace in knowing that I’m not in fact some heinous monster who knows the ins and outs of every facet of tourturing someone to death. So we’ll just have to chalk that one up to suspention of disbelief.

There’s alot of things that would have been added or perhaps changed had I the time. And before anyone repeats the suggestion that I revisit it sometime and re-write it… I kind of want to distance myself from the actual text of the story. Possibly forever. It’s hard to read and digest for alot of people seemingly. But please understand that it’s pretty freaking gut wrenching to write in the first place. All ideas and emotions on paper have to come from somewhere and all that :\

This goes for the Dramatic Reading too I’m afraid. I don’t think my soul could really take it. Not to mention I’d go hoarse from all that screaming ^^;

haha oh wow, i need a dramatic reading of this stat, if only to read the reactions of specific people ^__^

… well god damn. I couldn’t read this in one go. I had to take breaks every few paragraphs :c

When it says “She gripped the gun in her hand, aimed… And fired…” I expected a suicide, since it wasn’t specific as to who she fired upon.

Sandy wanted Lucy to kill her. If Lucy had shot herself instead, it would be a final “fuck you” to Sandy, plus she would have become an hero. Plus Sandy would be like “Shit that wasn’t suppose to happen *JAAAAIIIL*”

Oh, and as for Taeshi being epic sad face over the misunderstanding part, Lucy killing herself could end up with Sandy’s arrest, and for her name to not be soiled by this atrocity. No more misunderstanding.

canon

Well that was sickening and amazing to read at the same time.
Honestly I had shivers through the whole thing man.
But yeah great job man as horrifying as it was it’s a good read.

I managed to keep a blank face the whole time. indifference to life can sometimes be a good thing. arent i a monster? yes. yes i am.

Heh, its a good story though. And it wasnt as scary as a few of the PS3 games i own. it was kinda gross too but again, not as gross as some stuff i see. Lucy ought to watch out for me, if i got into a situation like that i’d be so scared id be calm and freak her out to no end. masks dont scare me…

hey! anyone want to hear about the many times i tried to kill my brother?

lol first go at italics. did it fail?

evidently not.

Its not the fact that there wasn’t any foreshadowing about Sandy that confuses me, skimming through it again I think I even picked up on a few. No, what confuses me is that I just can’t understand Sandy’s thought process through all of this. From what I gather, Augustus had something to do with it, which I guess makes sense. I assume he convinced Sandy that Mike was cheating on her with Lucy, or something of the like. Sandy then decides “I’m going to dress up as Lucy (who’s voice I can imitate well enough to fool her closest friend) then slowly and painfully torture Mike to death, in front of Lucy, dressed as ME, and then frame her for it.” Ok, sure, It’s a stretch, but I’ll give you that one. But here’s where I find the problem. Mike believes this is Lucy the entire time, and he acts like it. Throughout the entire situation he shows how he is in love with Sandy, and really doesn’t care for Lucy at all. So why does sandy continue? Was she just on a roll? Is she mad at him for some other reason? Is she angry that he has a female friend in love with him, that he blatantly turned down? I mean, it has to be about Lucy somehow, she is torturing her as well after all. But by the end, I can’t come up with any motivation! Why? I mean, if the title was “Sandy Becomes a Paranoid Schizophrenic” I’d at least buy it.

Maybe i’m just missing something.

yes. you are.

Once women have come to a conclusion, not matter how misplaced it may be, it is virtually impossible to stop them or convince them otherwise and stuff. Sandy is having one of those moments. Strangeness. and that, gentlemen, is why i cant stand real women.

*shuffles back into dark corner*

There is only room for one emo.

Ask me about my brother.

^ Did he touch you?

I sat in slightly stunned silence, then, just before the twist I started to smile. When she took the mask off, I couldn’t stop laughing for multiple minutes.

Holy shit… just… holy shit! That’s all I can manage right now.

Law abiding citizen theme =3

*dies again*

this is…..wow….just….*shaking* my god this is horrific

I can’t believe you people are such pussies it’s not that bad.

Lol, I love the reactions to this, seriously, you’re a bunch of pussies to get that worked up over it (aside from Taeshi, its her characters getting mutilated)

I got over my fuckness and read it again.

DERP DERP DERP

But is the first time a story makes me feels something so looks like I was over reacting.

……….thats creepy…….

i personally try my hardest to *be* (not necessarily the best word, but whatevs) the characters in the things i read. it gives a greater sense of communication when you can put yourself in there shoes.

sometimes, when a book (fanfics too) is really good, i feel the emotions that the characters are feeling as a part of greater commune… it sucks when bad shit happens… then i feel bad for the next day or two…

so… im a little weird… what of it?

I take the same opinion Alphonse did, for obviously stated reasons and because I would just insult nearly anyone if I state out my reasons. Let me just quote: “I’m going to dress up as Lucy (who’s voice I can imitate well enough to fool her closest friend)…” thats enough quote for today.

Another entertaining story by our own Alan Wake, Maverik.

I love the cops names by the way. I was laughing my ass off when I read “Well Frank…” it was great. Just such a nice generic cop name that I love.

I will never sleep well… ever again… for the rest of eternity…. and all time

The voice thing is semi-explained at the end there. She takes a chip off her throat. That was how she was emulating Lucy’s voice.

As for her reasonings… She did have a motivation but it’snot explained because I couldn’t fit it in anywhere, and I wasn’t about to write a 50 chapter novel with all the led up etc. It’s a moment in time story, and so the motivation ws left un nswered.

If you’re really curiouse, Sandy was basically sick of life since she always felt that she was worthless besides her looks, and her love for Mike. So she decided she wanted to kill herself, and Mike, and be together in the afterlife. But she knew that she couldn’t ask him to do that. He’d think she was crazy.

So she devised a plan to kill them both, and to place the blame on Lucy for two reasons. Firstly, so that in said afterlife, Mike would want nothing to do with Lucy… And so that Mike’s friends wouldn;t hate her and/or Mike.

As for Augustus? He really DID just see Lucy around the area. Sandy had lured her there. He was just being a dick to the cops cus he could.

Now you see that, that makes the story so much better. I can definitely understand not wanting to write any more, it’s pretty long as it is, but it’s really a crucial fact to help understand what’s happening. It changes the ending from seeming random and tacked on to being… well… good, maybe even a bit profound. Ok, it’s hard for a guro story the be profound, but it’s pretty close.

I really can’t stress enough how important that information is.

It probably wont matter that much in the end though. Most people are going to be so squicked out by the gore, they’re not going to be able to thing much about character motivation, as unfortunate as that is.

Had the story had a little less dick electrocution, and a little more “A Page from Sandy’s Diary” I think I really would have liked the thing. And I hate fan fiction. Like, I really hate it. So that’s saying something.

Wait wait wait WHAT? A chip? you seem to have missed including it :-P The only thing she takes off is the mask.

I’ve been trying not to throw up all day just thinking about this story.

It’s fantastic, Maverik, it really is. It is everything I would expect from you (as far as writing quality is concerned), but it is a bad day to be attached to any of those characters.

and a wig…. she takes off a wig aswell…

You… wrote a guro fanfic, made a physical book out of it, and presented it to her…

…And you’re surprised she cried?

You’re some kind of twisted genius.

Reading through other people’s posts, I’m surprised how many people said that this made them physically ill or induced nausea. Are you guys that squeamish? Really?

Not everyone can handle rather desriptively written torture like a ninja.

It was certainly descriptive, and the methods were most certainly vile and extremely painful, but nightmares and physical discomfort? I guess some people aren’t used to having blood on their hands…

I showed this to my friend and she freaked out but I don’t think it was bad enough to make her feel sick.


I think she could have shot Mike in the leg or in the arm or in the stomach before she shot him in the head. She probably had 3 or 4 rounds left after she shot his ears out. 2 rounds for his ear, 1 in the leg, one in his brain and one for herself if it was only a 5-shot revolver.

^There are at least a million ways to make it worse. And I don’t think most of the readers could have withstood more.

I’m really surprised nobody aimed for the testicles.

^Well, she did cut the sheath in half. Testicles were probably just as exposed as the penis.

Anatomy fail.

Ah. That was really good and all. Amazing plot twist. Played really well off the preexisting characters (though personally, I’d have thought Mike would snap quicker and more violently, throwing some heavy swearing in, but hey that’s just me). The only thing I didn’t like was the ending. In fact, I hated it. Fuck it. Right up the ass. Because, and because, not only do I find the characters behaving too predictably for the first time, there’s a plot hole. A gaping one. With modern crime-solving ablities I am more than sure if investigators checked, they could find biological material somewhere on the apron, in the gloves, the boots, the mask, all of which were obviously used to torture the victim in question. Not to mention, they could check the angle of the bullet wound that killed Sandy and where her corpse fell and very easily ascertain the origin of the shot. Hmm, now why would the other “victim” have been standing upright in the middle of the room when she too was finally killed. Oh, and stupid Sandy done slipped up and left the Sandy wig and silver duct tape, likely having a bunch of Lucy hair on it, right out where they could find it, leaving a huge piece of evidence to support Lucy’s defense.

Other than that though, nice story. Touching, gripping, mentally destroying. It just fell apart in the ending.

@Moddy Auld
Looks like the cat…
*Puts On SunglassesU
Is out of the bag….

YEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Er
Seriously though, I!m not a cerial killer, nor a forensics scientist, nor a team of high paid prime time screenwriters. So I.m afraid I don’t know what loopholes an anthropomorfic cat could use to get away with all this.

It’s also been brought to my attention that I posted the wrong iteration of the atory, and certain changes that made things better such as the xhip and the way I handled the reveal. I’d post the better vertion (the one Tae read, but I don’t wanna reformat it.

Apologies for any typos. i’m typing on the phone at night with a full face mask and can hardly see the screen and keypad.

@Moldy
you cant kill whats already dead, thus the story has no effect on me. mentally destroying indeed. god im such a heartless monster. heh, ive always like that idea. heartless.

Whatever. i remain indifferent to this story. its good. excellent quality and structure and the plot was awesome, but im not phased by it. I have other stuff to be getting on with. like my own fanstories which i am still writing. the difficulty is starting it off since i already have a lot of the later chapters figured out. ive been through like, six versions of the beginning of the first one.


like people really care. i bet money no one will honestly read this. Im not negative im just not hopeful.

Maverik, why are you wearing a facemask?

Maverik… you’re like a modern day Edgar Alen Poe. (spell check)

aw. fine.

wait, was there EVER a good cop?

I was in costume for Animania.