Bittersweet Candy Bowl

Good morning. You’re probably wondering about the title. This is a superhero take on Bittersweet Candybowl. Hey, if we can have guro story, an excellent Western story, and videogame crossover stories, then I think we should have at least one superhero story.

Now for a little background. Or you could just skip straight to the link, your choice.

This is a test chapter. I’m busy right now, so I doubt I could write a series of adventures for Michael to have with his new super identity. If I get good response, I’ll try to make more.

This story takes place a few weeks after Lucy’s confession. Its become a sort of silent thing the group doesn’t really talk about. Lucy and Michael’s relationship is bumpy, but not at its worst right now. Paulo cares about Lucy, but is not sure if he is in love with her. He is mad at Michael for hurting her though.

Now then, here’s the link for the story.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6371509/1/Legacy

If you have questions or comments, please tell me. I want to be a better writer, so I understand that my work needs to be taken a part for that. Thank you for your time.

I think the links busted…

It works fine for me. If someone else tells me it doesn’t work, I’ll just copy and paste it here.

Never mind got it. I love it. It’s got humor foreshadowing of possible drama, and an interesting under-lying concept. I only spotted one error, it was a word usage error, and could be eaisly fixed. The AI and armor Mike gets reminds me of Iron Man, not to much however. So in conclusion, I love it and I want you to continue it. If you don’t keep going I might half to punch you.

HB

I’m glad you like it. I do have ideas for the series. One idea is a sort of deconstruction of the BCB world. Think about it. The entire world is almost exactly like ours, save with anthropomorphic cats and dogs and talking animals. But here’s a question. If their history is like our history, what are the two species reaction to one another?

If there world truly is like ours, surely there must be forms of racism in there. I actually wanted to make a cat supervillain who wanted to perform genocide on all dogs, like David or Flower Girl.

It adds a sort of tragic realism that I wanted to play with and examine.

The story is very interesting and unique and I would definitely like to see more of this in the future. Also you write very well.

Thank you very much.

Very good. I like the idea of an AI breaking down everything into fact, even feelings. I hope you write more.

Its like McCain is in Mike’s head….Damn, I should have made a joke about that!

Mike: Shut it, McCain

Legacy: Excuse me?

Mike: Sorry. Shut it, Legacy.

This gets the Ninja Seal of Meh.

It is an interesting concept, but there are several spelling errors and a few grammatical ones. In addition to which, some of the scenes come off as cliched or straight-up jacked from a science fiction B-movie.

With a little reworking and a tad more creativity, this could become a work of fiction to be proud of, it’s just not there yet.

Well I due kind of want to have fun with the classic superhero/sci fi cliches….

But help me out here. Where exactly are the errors, so I can go fix them?

And what exactly are the cliches? I hope I’m not coming off as rude, I just want to know more about my errors.

On the brighter side, I got a Ninja Seal!

Do you know how long this dress cost? — long should be much, but this could be intentional, given that it is a dream

I and the other top scientists of our planet — technically the “I” should come after the others, but that sounds kinda off, so I suggest reworking this sentence to avoid it altogether. Something like “On the eve of the final battle, the greatest minds of our planet, myself among them, created LEGACY, a collection of all our data.” But go with whatever fells best to you

“Look, think of it as a Mutualism. It is a form of interaction that benefits both organisms, and harms neither. — “Symbiosis” is the word you are probably looking for here. I have no clue where you pulled “Mutalism” from

Referring to LEGACY as the LEGACY project — The LEGACY project is the scientific enterprise that led to LEGACY, the actual product of the project. the two are not technically interchangeable.

That, and really you were the closest to when I entered your planet’s atmosphere. — Should probably read something like: “That, and you were the closest to my point of entry.” or “That and you were the nearest to me when I entered your planet’s atmosphere.”

Lucy fell out of her bed and groaned in pain as she heard an assortment of sounds. She rose up from her bed and looked out her window, —How does she rise up from a bed she fell out of?

The blasts all hit Michael and Legacy, — Minor error, LEGACY should be all caps

It is helping you remain focus. — should be remain focused

What started as a battle, soon developed into a massacre, with Michael and Legacy annihilating the small armada of drones. — again, LEGACY should be all caps

TK: The invisible psychic energy that my combat system is based on. It allows me, or my host the power to create invisible ‘bubbles’ ranging in size and shape. It can be used offensively, such as shooting it out or to lift, throw, or crush objects, or defensively, as a protective shield. A sword is- — for continuity, the second part might read “Sword: a-” since this would keep the formatting identical, which is important for a robot/AI/symbiote-thingy.

“Heh…Of course not, Michael. I’m dying. I told you, remember?” — he actually didn’t say anything about dying, just that he might very well be the last of his kind

It was still early so the bell hadn’t ringed yet. — rung, not ringed

“I’m fine, Michael. My mom and brother were scared, but we were ignored by that…thing for the most part,” she replied. She seemed shaken, obviously frightened from seeing the other worldly machine. — otherworldly is one word

I hope you enjoyed this story. I don’t own any of the characters except for Michael, Hotok, and LEGACY. Have a nice day and goodnight. —Since when do you own Michael?

I’m too tired to search out the cliched parts, so just work on these for the moment.

Ahhh. I see. I’ll go work on correcting those errors. Although in my defense, wikipedia seems to say Symbiosis and Mutualism are pretty much the same.

Symbiosis: Is close and often long-term interactions between different biological species

Mutualism: Is the way two organisms biologically interact where each individual derives a fitness benefit (i.e. increased survivor ship).

The difference is symbiosis can also be categorized for a parasite relationship and a commensalism relationship. So Mutualism, the biologic relationship where both organisms benefit, is better for this story.

In layman’s terms, symbiosis carries a positive connotation and is the antonym of parasitism. But if you want to be all technical about it (like I’ve been to you several times) you can use Mutualism. But you’ll want to change that sentence to read: “Look, think of it as an example of Mutualism.”

There. Done. I’m pretty sure I edited out all the mistakes you pointed out. Thanks for the help.

Now how about an editor’s fee…

IMJUSTANAVRAGEORDINARYEVERYDAYSUPERHERO.

…Uhhh….Only if its in hugs. I’ve been told I’m very cuddly.

I can put your name as ‘Editor’ on the story.

@ Grass

I love that song. Hence the reference!

*ahem* I was being sarcastic, but I wouldn’t mind being cited as editor. You have already paid me more than I had ever expected.

I’ll just put you down as editor. You keep changing your name too much for anything else.

Edit: There. Its at the very bottom, but its something.

I don’t see it. Am I blind?

It takes time for the edit to be made. It said up to 30 minutes time.

Hahahaha. This is pretty spectacular King! I’m highly impressed! I clicked this expecting something sub par like alot of stories posted, that would need alot of work. But I’ve been pleasantly surprised!

There were a few technical hiccups, but I think Ninja covered them all. As for the cliche’s… I didn’t really mind them to be honest. I think the tone and flow of the story suited them just fine!

I love the little interactions between Mike and LEGACY. It’s a fun relationship that I look forward to seeing explored. I also liked that Mike and Lucy weren’t at odds in this which was a nice change of pace

I STRONGLY reccomend continuing this if you can find the time, and if you enjoyed writing it. It’s a magnificent fic and I really want to see it play out

I’m glad you liked it Maverik. Thank you for the kind words.

If anyone wants to, you could read my other superhero story. Calling All Heroes.

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2796367/1/ Calling_All_Heroes

TRY’INTOSAVETHEWORLDBUTNEVERREALLYSURE.

I still don’t see the bit that cites me as editor…

I do. Its right there at the bottom.

Editor: Ninja
Source Material: Bittersweet Candybowl
Inspiration: Iron Man, Blue Beetle, and Spider-man.

Its not much, but its there.

NOW I see it!

Just felt I need to point this out…
*, mutualisim is a type of a symbiotic relationship.

True. Ninja and I were talking about that earlier.

Oh I probably skipped over it.

Possible Future Plans:

1: Dinosaur based supervillains. Five of them, mutated by the Soulless.
2: LEGACY killing a police officer to protect Michael. Michael gets ticked and scolds him for it. Public fears Michael.
3: Thinking of naming Michael’s alter ego, Vanguard.
4: I want a giant robot fight…
5: Yashy becomes a fan of Vanguard, still makes fun and teases Michael.
6: Abbey expresses a mix of fear and respect for Vanguard, not sure if he protects their race from aliens, or if the aliens are here only because of Vanguard.
7: Other dimensions
8: Cameo by the Creator of Michael’s dimension, in other words, Taeshi!
9: Lucy gets a mini crush on Vanguard after he saves her from a supervillain.
10: Create more supervillains. I’m open to suggestions and ideas.
11: David is also a fan of Vanguard, but sometimes pokes fun at the superhero and actually brings up crazy, Sherlock Holes-esque ideas.

Now all you need is self-insert, and you’ll have the trappings of a classic fanfic.

All pessimism aside, I enjoyed the story. Fairly original, but the cliches make me worry. You’ve stated that you like using them; that’s a fine idea, but if you do continue this, I will be repelled from your story if you use them as a crutch and make this thing of yours generic.

Oh, and is Sherlock Holes a cousin of the famous detective Sherlock Holmes?

Clarify, please. What kind of cliches are you referring to?

And whoops. My bad.

Hannibal is right; if you use too many superhero cliches or rely to heavily on them, the story will be bland and uninteresting. Although using a cliche against itself could be very entertaining and used to introduce something more original. Say, the mutated-dinosaur enemies by the Soulless are in actuality horrible villains that are easily dispatched, and were only created based on the Soulless’ attempts to scare Michael, and help propel him into the limelight as a superhero.
Based on that, and based on your list, I have one question; if someone in a giant metal suit started fighting giant robots, how do you know who the good guy is? Why would you like him? Did he actively call himself a Superhero, a la Superman? Or do people learn slowly that he is there to help, a la Batman? Also #8 just seems weird.
Otherwise great! I don’t mean to be rude, as I do think you are a good writer, but I would hate to see this become another stupid superhero story, although so far all signs point to a good story!

Well as long as my readers help me along, I doubt this story will become ‘stupid.’ But yeah, since I obviously can’t read minds, I would like to hear the thoughts of others. Give me advice to help my writing improve.

And to answer your question about the giant robots and metal suit, one difference is that Michael will try to keep collateral damage to a low, save people who get in the way, and will tell others he is not their enemy. The robot would just power through.

I suppose one idea I could play off of is the Soulless coming to Earth and acting as kind, good, and benevolent, while saying Vanguard (Michael and LEGACY) are the evil ones.

Here’s an idea! The mutated dinos are just regular people the Soulless mutated. They were mutated so much, they could not speak English or think straight, and Michael just attacked them. That can sort of be their way of psyching Michael out. Showing him that they could mutate anyone into a monster.

See, I like that last idea a lot better then the other ones you threw around. Although anyone who reads that post won’t fall for a plot twist like that…
I do like the benevolent idea as well. Diplomacy with the local government is normally the first step to apprehending a fugitive in another country. Plus then you’ve got the Spider-Man idea of mass publications claiming that Vanguard is an escapee or a lunatic out to kill everyone, and the people of the town slowly see that he is only there to help while accepting “Holy crap there are aliens.” Although if you go that route it will be more of a Sci-Fi story and less of a superhero story, but it’s your call. It is an interesting idea that never gets played out enough.
Also, no offence meant by the stupid comment, and you seem like a good writer. I do hope you write a new part soon.

So try to be more unique, basically. Okay. I can do that.

I do have one little twist in mind for the future, which I shouldn’t say. I do hope it will be good though.

Thanks for the help, gameking218!

No prob’, Bob!

this sucks 0/10

Uh huh. And why is that, snoof?

because its called everyday superhero

Right. I’ll be ignoring you now. You’ll get yours, I’m sure. (Pats snoof’s head)

Don’t mind him. He is our resident Non-Troll.

ok well cmon how could it ever be “good”

It has a Ninja editor.

Don’t respond to him. Just ignore him and he’ll go away sooner or later. People like him just try to get people angry. The key to defeating them is just ignoring them.

I knew this guy before you even knew BCB existed. I think I would know how to deal with him.

Specifically, I beat him at his own game. There is nothing that can overcome a Ninja’s self-control. He loses his patience easily.