Bittersweet Candy Bowl Forums

This thread was originally for my short story "The River's Flow," but now I'll be using this thread a a repository for all of my BCB-related fiction. So far, I've written three stories (all hosted on Fanfiction.net):

The River's Flow: A story about past mistakes, missed opportunities, and change. After Paulo gets into a fight with Jasmine, he heads to the park to contemplate what to do next. A friend pays him an unexpected visit.

A Beautiful Lie: Mike and Lucy used to be best friends until things suddenly went downhill. Mike had become fed up with Lucy and moved on. Then why couldn't he get her off of his mind?

You Can't Always Get What You Want As I walked toward the edges of the gym, I glanced around to see whether David had worked up the guts to ask his Flower Girl to dance yet. That's when I saw her.

Comments, suggestions, criticisms, or analysis are always welcome and much appreciated.

This post has been edited by Catalyst: 05 June 2012 - 04:15 AM

Mike X Lucy

It's telling me there does not exist any story with the ID 6998078.

Nevermind, it works now. I wonder what was wrong.

Anyway, I like how you portrayed Paulo. My only criticism is that Paulo's first crush in Roseville was definitely Lucy; from the looks of it he developed said crush about five minutes after he arrived to his first day of school there. The only time he saw Daisy as anything more than a friend or little sister was when David brainwashed him into doing so, and that only lasted a few days. Of course, I'd happily argue with Paulo about some of the things he thinks are true, but I'd hardly expect anything else.

This post has been edited by Borg Lord: 17 May 2011 - 08:56 AM

Pretty good work channeling Paulo's thought process there. You really made him seem exactly how he is: A jealous moron. Top marks, new guy.

Part two of my fanfic is now ready, and you can find it at the following link: I Still Got You

Hopefully, this part adds another dimension to your understanding of the story. Also, I decided to change the title to the entire piece to "The River's Flow" as it better reflects some of the story's main themes and motifs.

Finally, thanks to Borg Lord and SushiJaguar for the comments. To respond to Borg Lord, I would agree that Paulo did begin to develop his crush on Lucy almost instantly after seeing her, you also have to remember that Paulo and Lucy mostly avoided each other for most of the 5th grade because both were to shy act on that attraction. Paulo probably didn't really get to know Lucy more until after he went through his womanizing training and actually started interacting with her more. So, the while the physical attraction was always there, he never really acted on it until the 6th grade. Also, I'd argue that Paulo has always liked Daisy, whether or not he'd like to admit it, but that's just my interpretation of the comic.

One small thing: Mike never told Lucy why he was so picky about the color of his scarf. She said so in Wonderland. Presumably it's less obvious to her given how most of the time she can't see her eyes.

Man, you've got a good memory.

Here's a new short story that focuses on Mike this time. This story was originally meant to be a chapter of a larger story taking place in the "Another Path" alternate universe (which may explain some of the comments about Lucy and Paulo; however, you could probably imagine the story taking place after "Back and Forth" in the main storyline). While I might not get around to that story, I do still really like this piece and feel it can stand alone on its own. Still, it'd probably be much better embedded in a larger story, so maybe I'll try to rework my original idea or build another story around this scene. For now, though, please enjoy. As always, any criticisms you have are welcome.

A Beautiful Lie

Some additional thoughts on the story are spoiliered below (because you should read them after reading the story):

This is fanfic I've been writing on and off for the past few months. Here's the first chapter:

You Can't Always Get What You Want As I walked toward the edges of the gym, I glanced around to see whether David had worked up the guts to ask his Flower Girl to dance yet. That's when I saw her.

I'll be posting the rest of the chapters over the next few days. Enjoy!

You Can't Always Get What You Want is a fairly fascinating story. So far, I'm enjoying it.

Quote

No truer words have ever been spoken.



I rather like this excerpt. Normally, it would be seen as 'typical Paulo,' but due to its placement directly after his self-questioning, I feel it does a good job of explaining why he acts the way he does.

The only issue I had was that some of the narrative was a little disturbing. I rather enjoyed the fact it was Paulo saying it the way Paulo would say it (with the exception of certain bits -- like the part describing Daisy -- being a bit overly verbose for him...); however, I don't think he is quite that abrupt in his mind. Maybe you're masking some type of self-questioning or ironic humor, but his actions seem to validate these thoughts; which, I should also add, seemed a bit overly direct for him.

Thanks for the comments. Unlike with a typical first person narrative where the reader gets to see into the inner thoughts of the narrator, for this story, I was going for a different style where the narrator is telling the story to the reader as if speaking to an intimate friend. For example, you'll notice on a few occasions Paulo breaking the fourth wall and addressing the reader directly (e.g. "and no, before you ask, I was not checking either of them out"). For certain characters, I find this style of narration to be very effective, especially if that character has a strong personality that comes through through his voice, and I like the conversational tone to the story that it sets. Furthermore, it adds a bit of distance between the reader and the narrator. If the character has something to hide or wants to project a certain image of himself to the reader, he can and will. I'm not saying that the narrator is unreliable (a more extreme version of this trope), but the narrator will occasionally phrase things in a way to purposefully obfuscate certain thoughts or feelings from the reader. Of course, I don't always stick to this style in the story and sometimes I have included Paulo's inner thoughts in the narration, but that's probably just a bit of laziness on my part.

Anyway, I maybe this explanation helps answer some of your concerns. I do agree that the first two parts portray Paulo's character a bit shallowly (especially compared to how developed Paulo's character is now in the comic). The next two parts, however, explore his character a bit more deeply, so maybe those will allay your concerns as well. I've just posted part three, so let me know what you think.

Since I never posted a link to chapter two, I've included the link below as well.
Part Two
Part Three

Alright, so I just finished chapter 3! I really liked it, and not just because I really dig the obviously implied pairing. I just all around found it entertaining; and by the way, you're an extremely good writer. Very structured, but flowing as well.

I did, however, want to bring up a few things. For starters, it was the way Paulo reacted to the barking. Not his running out of the auditorium, but rather, his thought process. I think running out of a dance crying because of some irrational fear would be rather traumatizing, especially for a boy like Paulo. I imagine his mind would be in far greater disarray. Generally speaking, he appeared to be pretty calm about the whole thing, albeit slightly angry. I think in light of a situation like that, he would be thinking irrationally and he would be questioning himself. He would also be questioning his questioning. And he would be questioning his doubts. Really, he would just be thinking faster than he could reason, thus resulting in the cause of that typical description of a "storm in one's mind.

Second:

Quote

I believe you mean "is that what's..."

Third:
He refers to himself as aloof. Does he really know what aloof means? Now, don't get me wrong, his usage of this word might actually be very clever. Maybe he picked up what it meant from English. Maybe you're trying to portray him as more intelligent than he is normally seen. And maybe he really doesn't know what it means at all, but I just figured I bring it up, because honestly, he doesn't strike me as a guy who reads much -- it is actually implied in this story.

Other than those minor things, I'm enjoying it, and I'm really looking forward to seeing more by you.

Thanks once again for your very kind words. The three points you bring up are good ones. With regards to the first point, I guess most of my writing does seem to be very deliberate, so I could probably use more practice writing from the perspective of a character in an emotionally charged, irrational state. Perhaps that's something I'll work on for a future story.

The fourth and final part of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" is up.
Part Four

I hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading.

It is a shame that thus far few have commented on this story. It certainly deserves more recognition. I really enjoyed it, and I felt it had a very powerful ending. The lesson of a classic, but the entertainment of light-reading; that is what I feel modern writers should strive for. And you've certainly done a good job of capturing it.

My favorite line was: "Wow. Ok, I guess that works too." It was a nice, dry execution. Definitely worth a chuckle.

Thanks for the comments again. That's certainly what I was trying to go for, a light-hearted story that still manages to have a bit of substance behind it. While I'm not sure that it's a great exemplar of modern literature, I am pretty happy with it and feel that it at least captures the aspects of a good fanfiction. Anyway, I'm glad that you enjoyed it.