Bittersweet Candy Bowl Forums

Borg Lord, on 27 August 2011 - 08:16 AM, said:

Sorry, i kind of just wanted to quote lily for that one scene. and atleast it's not a really big typo.

When you 'kind of' want you do something, you had better damn well hope it fits the character.

And when you make a typo, you don't just let it sit there and stick out like a sore thumb. Fix it.

What the? It's not very in sync with the other pages

Daisy and McCain does not act like that at all.

MouseCat, on 28 August 2011 - 12:10 AM, said:

took me awhile to find it BUT HERE IS THE REFERENCE FOR DAISY! there's a reason she acted that way.

What the hell is this tragedy?

The whole radio thing, not helping because of an injury, and saying 'Daisy style' is not like her at all.

gj completely ignoring me man you're going to get far good luck

And no, that isn't 'Daisy style'. Would she really flip Lucy off? I don't think so.
And if anything, she would apologize for not being able to help, not go all 'i can't do anything at all fuck you'.

This is falling apart fast... we need more duct tape

Toffee, on 28 August 2011 - 02:19 AM, said:

oh, so because i don't respond immediately means i'm ignoring you? don't be so damn impatient! Daisy's not going to be mean again, i didn't even want to do that scene but i needed a filler panel to keep to 9 panels. i'll write up a replacement scene when i can.

Oh, no, that's not the reason I said it. I said it because you do it quite often and because you did post about four hours ago. You easily could of responded then.

And what about everyone else? You'll keep them in-character, too, right?
Also, it doesn't need to be nine panels. You can make a panel bigger to fill some room if you have nothing else to write/draw.

Toffee, on 28 August 2011 - 03:17 AM, said:

yep, abbey's still a ticking time bomb of suppressed rage, david's still an idiot, daisy's becomes romantic and a little too trusting, lucy is still a hard-ass chick with some softness, McCain is still his sensible ol' self, and tends to break the fourth wall, paulo becomes a little more epic and pretty noble, mike is still his reasonable self, paulo's dad was never talked about in the comic so i made him the bad-ass caring father...that left his son alone in a house full of zombies.

and about panels, I FIXED THOSE and i know it's unfair for me to not show them, but there are cliffhangers i want to leave.

i think the word you are looking for for lucy is not softness. you mean insecurities. remember that.

BLARGH! I'M BACK! hello folks, i know it's been a long time but we still have a story to tell. i've finally scanned and edited most of the current archive. despite popular belief, i have not quit on this project (so stop saying that i have Chrispy), i've worked on it everyday it's just that i haven't found time to scan and edit the pages. so now i present to you PAGES 67 through 81 (warning: mass upload)


i specifically hate page 76, i really wanted to go more dynamic with abbey like i should've, but i failed miserably on it =[ i'll have to re-do it sometime.

OKAY FOLKS I'M HERE TO UPDATE! but before i start off there's something i'd like to say. IT'S BEEN 3 MONTHS AND NOTHING! seriously?! i just showed why paulo's dad is the greatest father ever, and then explained why Daisy had the bandages, with ABBEY ALMOST KILLING DAISY! seriously, NOTHING?! no "OH THAT EXPLAINS SOMETHING.", not even a "THAT'S NOT HOW THEY'D REACT AT ALL!", SERIOUSLY?! ugh, and you wonder why i take awhile to do this. the comic is in fact chugging along, and we've even gotten through a very short fifth chapter, and i'll hopefully scan that up soon, but for now i shall write up the second half of Daisy's flashback, and pretty much all of Mike and Lucy's flashback.

i would've scanned, and editted this earlier, but i've seem to have lost those pages 81-103 (don't ask me cause i don't know how either!) and so i'll have to type it out SO STAY TUNED CAUSE IT'LL BE HERE SOON!!!!!

ALRIGHT, that is GOOD TO KNOW.

^THIS

And to think I sighed in relief that this had finally died a much-deserved death.

Sammy, on 15 January 2012 - 02:18 AM, said:

aww and when have i ever let things die?

*charges defibrilator* CLEAR!!! *THREAD REVIVED* Alright, kiddos it’s about time we finally update this thing. I lost some pretty great material, so I’ll have to paraphrase the rest of Daisy’s flashback, but what’s worse is that I lost Mike and Lucy’s flashback…yeah that was really really important. So here goes. In Daisy’s story, they meet up with a white haired lady named Lynne who gives them their weapons, a CB radio and armor which she crafted using halo armor from a game store. In return Abbey and Daisy are sent on a mission to go find Lynne’s friend Seth Edgewood (aka. The guy who buffed everyone’s weapons). On their way there, they hear Lynne tell them that she’s being overrun by zombies, and that they shouldn’t go back to her. They’re saddened, but decide to respect her last wish and go to the sniper’s house where Seth is; when there they meet Tinydancer1 who is seen with the dead body of the original candy corn guy who he says was killed by raiders. Tiny explains that the candy corn guy said that there was a secret room, but the only way in was by getting cola. Daisy and Abbey with their bite-proof armor decide to take it upon themselves to go into the store to get it themselves while tiny stayed behind to hold down the fort. As they enter the song “Threshold” plays, as Abbey, and Daisy hold hands to walk in.
Back at the campfire Mike, Lucy, Paulo, Paulo’s dad, David, Abbey, and Daisy are sitting quietly. As Daisy finishes he asks, “and then we met you guys.”
“well since we told our story how about you guys?” said Abbey gesturing to Mike. He, and Lucy quickly turned nervous at the thought.
“umm, no, no umm you don’t want to hear our story. I-it’s umm pretty boring.” Said Mike desperately trying to cover up.
“oh please.” Responded McCain, “I hardly remember a single time when you two weren’t having anything happen.”
At this Mike responded defensively, “Oh yeah?! Well you’ve done a good job, at getting people to talk about their past how about you? What did you do before the apocalypse?”
“it’s boring you won’t want to hear it.’
“ha! That’s what I said, what’re you hiding?!”
McCain sighed in defeat knowing that they’d keep pestering him to talk so he did, “I woke up this morning and found my family barricading the main entrance. One of them was already bitten, but she didn’t turn yet. I quickly took my dad’s old revolver, and model sword from his room and left through the fire escape. When I reached the roof I saw you guys popping flares so I decided to follow you. And then we met up in the plane.”
“Boo! That sucked!” shouted David
“That’s what I said!” said McCain aggravated, he then turned his attention to Mike and asked “So I did what you asked now tell us your story.”

i'll get Mike and Lucy's up in a second, this is just a warning

Interesting. BCB+Apocalypse.

the following people may find this part familiar Sock, Jamie, Boringamus, Akacatgirl, Hakuinaba, Beachsidecheese, BIP-BAP-BAM, Shotgun Wizard, SparkFur, LackLuster, and Million



It was a warm sunny day, as good as any other. The sun was hot and burning down on little Roseville. Everyone was out enjoying the Sunday except for Mike, Sue, and Lucy who were rehearsing for a play. Of course the play was Sue’s last ditch of effort to get Mike and Lucy together. Unfortunately there came a problem when a few weeks ago Mike received some very happy news...or at least it was happy for him. Sandy his long distance girlfriend had finally set things up so she could stay with Mike. She had fought for this, she compromised a lot of things, all so she could be with Mike, and in the end it all paid off, and Mike couldn’t be happier. Others weren’t so elated by the news, especially because of Lucy. Sandy’s plane was scheduled to arrive on November 21, 2007…today. Lucy shouted, “NO YOU CAN’T GO! YOU CAN’T DO THIS, YOU’LL DIE!” her voice cracking with sorrow.
“I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do, it’s already too late. I’m sorry but it must be done.” Said Mike somberly
“Please,” Lucy grabbed Mike by the collar, bringing him closer to her, then whispered “one last time.”
They were just about to kiss, but stopped, and turned to Sue who had been watching with much excitement. “Great acting guys, you both were amazing!” applauded Sue. Mike was in a military Jacket, while Lucy was sporting a red pull-over. The play was some sort of Left 4 Dead fan fiction, a play that neither Lucy nor Mike wanted any part in.
“Are you kidding? Lucy missed almost all her cues!” shouted mike
“Yeah, well Mike kept mumbling his lines!” responded Lucy
They kept on insulting each other for a good couple minutes, and Sue was not amused; she leaned forward with her head in her hands mumbling to herself “You guys are amazing at acting like friends.” Finally she got up, fed up with the bickering, and came in between the two. “Alright you two, take 5.”
“Tell me WHY we’re doing this stupid play again, it’s poorly written, the characters don’t match, and it’s just so forced.” Complained Mike
“It’s payback I told Jessica if you guys played the main roles, she could choose the play.” Shrugged Sue
“What I’m wondering is why the school could afford the special effects, these guns, and yet they couldn’t be bothered to get Mike a beret.” Stated Lucy
“You do know those guns aren’t real, they’re just pro-” and just in that moment, Mikes rifle goes off. If it weren’t filled with just blanks it would’ve hit Lucy right in the gut.
“Umm, I’m going to go downstairs to check on something.” Said Mike nervously
“and yet no beret.”
Mike walked downstairs when his phone started to vibrate. Picking it up, he said, “Hello? Oh, Sandy. … Okay I’ll check right now.” He walked into the kitchen where his mom was working on something. Her back was turned to Mike which gave him a creepy feeling. “Hey mom!” Mike called, but she didn’t respond which made him concerned. He slowly moves closer to her reaching out his hand to her, “mom?” he asks. Finally she turns pulling out an earphone.
“Oh, what is it dear?” she said casually.
“Umm, Sandy wanted to know if her room’s ready.” Mike said slightly surprised.
“Oh yes, don’t worry about it.” Suddenly Mike hugged her tightly with a big smile on his face. Finally, for once things are turning out the way I want it he thought.

Meanwhile back in Mike’s room, Sue’s sitting on the bed while Lucy is re-reading the script. “Sooo,” says Sue trying to break the ice. “how’re you taking the whole ‘sandy coming home’ situation?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Says Lucy annoyed by the question.
“Oh…not so well I take It.” says Sue dodgingly
“WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?!” yells Lucy, “THAT I’M HAPPY, ABOUT SANDY COMING HOME? THAT NOW MIKE WILL COMPLETELY DEDICATE ALL HIS TIME TO HER?” although she started the rant powerful and angry, her voices started to falter, tears started to rise, but she kept shouting, “THAT MY HEART IS JUST JAMPACKED WITH JOY AS MIKE LIVES HIS DREAM, GETS EVERYTHING HE EVER WANTED, AND I AM STUCK HERE WITH NOTHING BUT TEARS AND CRUSHED DREAMS?!” She pulled Sue by the collar and tearfully wailed, “IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?!” Lucy’s body starts to shake, her eyes gushing with tears the strength she once had vanished, and she finally whimpers, “is that what you want to hear?”
Sue in a comforting embrace, pats Lucy’s back, “no Lucy I don’t want you hurt, but you have to understand.” Sue then pulls Lucy away, and looks her in the eyes with a comforting yet stern voice says, “But Sandy isn’t coming tomorrow, she’s not coming next week, not in a month, she’s coming that means you only have today to make things right.”
“But there’s just no way,” starts Lucy still sniffling, “you saw, there’s no way to win his heart.”
“I’m not saying you win his heart Lucy.” Taking her back into her arms Sue states, “I’m saying you should stop wasting your time as you have all these years. Sandy’s coming today; maybe you should stop trying to win his heart,” Sue then stops to look Lucy again, brushing off a stray hair she says, “and start making things RIGHT. You only have today,”


“Love him Lucy, while you still have him.”

Lucy pulls herself together wiping away the last of her tears, and says "I-I jus-" she stops when she sees something that catches her eye. "oh that explains it."
"What?" responds Sue confused by the change.
"well i had a feeling this whole thing was a dream. Those zombies down there prove it." said Lucy calmly. Sue began to panic, Running to the window she confirmed that a big horde was in fact on it's way to Mike's house.
"Come on Lucy we need to leave now! those things are real!" said Sue hurriedly rushing down the stairs. when she made it to the kitchen, she shouted to Mike, "Mike, quick we need to leave right now!". just then a zombie hand broke through the front window.
Mike's mom quickly guided the three. "follow me kids, this way!" she quickly went to a door to the basement, but when she opened it a zombie leapt out at her. She quickly punched the zombie, incapacitating it. Mike, and Lucy were surprised by how her actions, and as they followed her Lucy said, "Man Mike your mom's a bad ass!" they quickly get into the basement, and lock the door. Mike's mom moves a bookcase on the wall revealing a panic room which has a hall leading to a ladder to the surface away from the house. She rushes all the kids inside, then begins to close the door. Mike, Lucy, and Sue are halfway to the ladder when Mike stops, and realizes that his mom is still behind the door. he pleads to her asking her not to leave him, but she reveals that when she punched the zombie, it bit her arm. "please Micheal, i love you but you need to go on without me." Mike pleads for her to stay, but it was useless. She quickly grabs a ghurka knife from a table in the basement, as the zombies begin to break through the door to the basement. she tosses it over to Sue and says, "Sue, protect my little boy." as she closes the door sealing her away she says, "Love her Micheal, love her and never let her go." As the six inch steel door shuts, Mike could still hear the sounds of his mother being torn apart; the sound made him stop completely.

the scene goes back to Mike at the campfire lamenting what happened. "when my mom died, it hit me. i realized just how horrible the situation was. we live our lives believing that things will be better, that what we're doing is for a better purpose in society, but now these monsters took it all away. this belief is what drives us. what makes us go to school, go to work, pay taxes, but now there's nothing. these things took all of it way, there is no school, no bank, no society, no nothing, and now there wasn't a person to comfort me. i knew there was Sandy, but i knew that she too would die."
it goes back to the panic room, where despite Mike's mom's best efforts were desperately opening the door. Lucy rushes to Mike trying to pull him away. Mike could hear her, and knew what was happening but he just couldn't move. he lost all hope, all faith.
Sue too was crying, but kept a level head, "come on Lucy, we need to leave now! i don't know how long that door's gonna hold!"
"I'm sorry Sue, but i'm not leaving Mike here. You go on without us!"
Sue felt sorry, she wanted to help the couple, but then she remembered, "That door's gonna swing open any second. I'm sorry, but i'm gonna leave while i still can."

the following people may find this part familiar Sock, Jamie, Boringamus, Akacatgirl, Hakuinaba, Beachsidecheese, BIP-BAP-BAM, Shotgun Wizard, SparkFur, LackLuster, and Million



It was a warm sunny day, as good as any other. The sun was hot and burning down on little Roseville. Everyone was out enjoying the Sunday except for Mike, Sue, and Lucy who were rehearsing for a play. Of course the play was Sue’s last ditch of effort to get Mike and Lucy together. Unfortunately there came a problem when a few weeks ago Mike received some very happy news...or at least it was happy for him. Sandy his long distance girlfriend had finally set things up so she could stay with Mike. She had fought for this, she compromised a lot of things, all so she could be with Mike, and in the end it all paid off, and Mike couldn’t be happier. Others weren’t so elated by the news, especially because of Lucy. Sandy’s plane was scheduled to arrive on November 21, 2007…today. Lucy shouted, “NO YOU CAN’T GO! YOU CAN’T DO THIS, YOU’LL DIE!” her voice cracking with sorrow.
“I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do, it’s already too late. I’m sorry but it must be done.” Said Mike somberly
“Please,” Lucy grabbed Mike by the collar, bringing him closer to her, then whispered “one last time.”
They were just about to kiss, but stopped, and turned to Sue who had been watching with much excitement. “Great acting guys, you both were amazing!” applauded Sue. Mike was in a military Jacket, while Lucy was sporting a red pull-over. The play was some sort of Left 4 Dead fan fiction, a play that neither Lucy nor Mike wanted any part in.
“Are you kidding? Lucy missed almost all her cues!” shouted mike
“Yeah, well Mike kept mumbling his lines!” responded Lucy
They kept on insulting each other for a good couple minutes, and Sue was not amused; she leaned forward with her head in her hands mumbling to herself “You guys are amazing at acting like friends.” Finally she got up, fed up with the bickering, and came in between the two. “Alright you two, take 5.”
“Tell me WHY we’re doing this stupid play again, it’s poorly written, the characters don’t match, and it’s just so forced.” Complained Mike
“It’s payback I told Jessica if you guys played the main roles, she could choose the play.” Shrugged Sue
“What I’m wondering is why the school could afford the special effects, these guns, and yet they couldn’t be bothered to get Mike a beret.” Stated Lucy
“You do know those guns aren’t real, they’re just pro-” and just in that moment, Mikes rifle goes off. If it weren’t filled with just blanks it would’ve hit Lucy right in the gut.
“Umm, I’m going to go downstairs to check on something.” Said Mike nervously
“and yet no beret.”
Mike walked downstairs when his phone started to vibrate. Picking it up, he said, “Hello? Oh, Sandy. … Okay I’ll check right now.” He walked into the kitchen where his mom was working on something. Her back was turned to Mike which gave him a creepy feeling. “Hey mom!” Mike called, but she didn’t respond which made him concerned. He slowly moves closer to her reaching out his hand to her, “mom?” he asks. Finally she turns pulling out an earphone.
“Oh, what is it dear?” she said casually.
“Umm, Sandy wanted to know if her room’s ready.” Mike said slightly surprised.
“Oh yes, don’t worry about it.” Suddenly Mike hugged her tightly with a big smile on his face. Finally, for once things are turning out the way I want it he thought.

Meanwhile back in Mike’s room, Sue’s sitting on the bed while Lucy is re-reading the script. “Sooo,” says Sue trying to break the ice. “how’re you taking the whole ‘sandy coming home’ situation?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Says Lucy annoyed by the question.
“Oh…not so well I take It.” says Sue dodgingly
“WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?!” yells Lucy, “THAT I’M HAPPY, ABOUT SANDY COMING HOME? THAT NOW MIKE WILL COMPLETELY DEDICATE ALL HIS TIME TO HER?” although she started the rant powerful and angry, her voices started to falter, tears started to rise, but she kept shouting, “THAT MY HEART IS JUST JAMPACKED WITH JOY AS MIKE LIVES HIS DREAM, GETS EVERYTHING HE EVER WANTED, AND I AM STUCK HERE WITH NOTHING BUT TEARS AND CRUSHED DREAMS?!” She pulled Sue by the collar and tearfully wailed, “IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?!” Lucy’s body starts to shake, her eyes gushing with tears the strength she once had vanished, and she finally whimpers, “is that what you want to hear?”
Sue in a comforting embrace, pats Lucy’s back, “no Lucy I don’t want you hurt, but you have to understand.” Sue then pulls Lucy away, and looks her in the eyes with a comforting yet stern voice says, “But Sandy isn’t coming tomorrow, she’s not coming next week, not in a month, she’s coming that means you only have today to make things right.”
“But there’s just no way,” starts Lucy still sniffling, “you saw, there’s no way to win his heart.”
“I’m not saying you win his heart Lucy.” Taking her back into her arms Sue states, “I’m saying you should stop wasting your time as you have all these years. Sandy’s coming today; maybe you should stop trying to win his heart,” Sue then stops to look Lucy again, brushing off a stray hair she says, “and start making things RIGHT. You only have today,”


“Love him Lucy, while you still have him.”

Lucy pulls herself together wiping away the last of her tears, and says "I-I jus-" she stops when she sees something that catches her eye. "oh that explains it."
"What?" responds Sue confused by the change.
"well i had a feeling this whole thing was a dream. Those zombies down there prove it." said Lucy calmly. Sue began to panic, Running to the window she confirmed that a big horde was in fact on it's way to Mike's house.
"Come on Lucy we need to leave now! those things are real!" said Sue hurriedly rushing down the stairs. when she made it to the kitchen, she shouted to Mike, "Mike, quick we need to leave right now!". just then a zombie hand broke through the front window.
Mike's mom quickly guided the three. "follow me kids, this way!" she quickly went to a door to the basement, but when she opened it a zombie leapt out at her. She quickly punched the zombie, incapacitating it. Mike, and Lucy were surprised by how her actions, and as they followed her Lucy said, "Man Mike your mom's a bad ass!" they quickly get into the basement, and lock the door. Mike's mom moves a bookcase on the wall revealing a panic room which has a hall leading to a ladder to the surface away from the house. She rushes all the kids inside, then begins to close the door. Mike, Lucy, and Sue are halfway to the ladder when Mike stops, and realizes that his mom is still behind the door. he pleads to her asking her not to leave him, but she reveals that when she punched the zombie, it bit her arm. "please Micheal, i love you but you need to go on without me." Mike pleads for her to stay, but it was useless. She quickly grabs a ghurka knife from a table in the basement, as the zombies begin to break through the door to the basement. she tosses it over to Sue and says, "Sue, protect my little boy." as she closes the door sealing her away she says, "Love her Micheal, love her and never let her go." As the six inch steel door shuts, Mike could still hear the sounds of his mother being torn apart; the sound made him stop completely.

the scene goes back to Mike at the campfire lamenting what happened. "when my mom died, it hit me. i realized just how horrible the situation was. we live our lives believing that things will be better, that what we're doing is for a better purpose in society, but now these monsters took it all away. this belief is what drives us. what makes us go to school, go to work, pay taxes, but now there's nothing. these things took all of it way, there is no school, no bank, no society, no nothing, and now there wasn't a person to comfort me. i knew there was Sandy, but i knew that she too would die."
it goes back to the panic room, where despite Mike's mom's best efforts were desperately opening the door. Lucy rushes to Mike trying to pull him away. Mike could hear her, and knew what was happening but he just couldn't move. he lost all hope, all faith.
Sue too was crying, but kept a level head, "come on Lucy, we need to leave now! i don't know how long that door's gonna hold!"
"I'm sorry Sue, but i'm not leaving Mike here. You go on without us!"
Sue felt sorry, she wanted to help the couple, but then she remembered, "That door's gonna swing open any second. I'm sorry, but i'm gonna leave while i still can."

the following people may find this part familiar Sock, Jamie, Boringamus, Akacatgirl, Hakuinaba, Beachsidecheese, BIP-BAP-BAM, Shotgun Wizard, SparkFur, LackLuster, and Million



It was a warm sunny day, as good as any other. The sun was hot and burning down on little Roseville. Everyone was out enjoying the Sunday except for Mike, Sue, and Lucy who were rehearsing for a play. Of course the play was Sue’s last ditch of effort to get Mike and Lucy together. Unfortunately there came a problem when a few weeks ago Mike received some very happy news...or at least it was happy for him. Sandy his long distance girlfriend had finally set things up so she could stay with Mike. She had fought for this, she compromised a lot of things, all so she could be with Mike, and in the end it all paid off, and Mike couldn’t be happier. Others weren’t so elated by the news, especially because of Lucy. Sandy’s plane was scheduled to arrive on November 21, 2007…today. Lucy shouted, “NO YOU CAN’T GO! YOU CAN’T DO THIS, YOU’LL DIE!” her voice cracking with sorrow.
“I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do, it’s already too late. I’m sorry but it must be done.” Said Mike somberly
“Please,” Lucy grabbed Mike by the collar, bringing him closer to her, then whispered “one last time.”
They were just about to kiss, but stopped, and turned to Sue who had been watching with much excitement. “Great acting guys, you both were amazing!” applauded Sue. Mike was in a military Jacket, while Lucy was sporting a red pull-over. The play was some sort of Left 4 Dead fan fiction, a play that neither Lucy nor Mike wanted any part in.
“Are you kidding? Lucy missed almost all her cues!” shouted mike
“Yeah, well Mike kept mumbling his lines!” responded Lucy
They kept on insulting each other for a good couple minutes, and Sue was not amused; she leaned forward with her head in her hands mumbling to herself “You guys are amazing at acting like friends.” Finally she got up, fed up with the bickering, and came in between the two. “Alright you two, take 5.”
“Tell me WHY we’re doing this stupid play again, it’s poorly written, the characters don’t match, and it’s just so forced.” Complained Mike
“It’s payback I told Jessica if you guys played the main roles, she could choose the play.” Shrugged Sue
“What I’m wondering is why the school could afford the special effects, these guns, and yet they couldn’t be bothered to get Mike a beret.” Stated Lucy
“You do know those guns aren’t real, they’re just pro-” and just in that moment, Mikes rifle goes off. If it weren’t filled with just blanks it would’ve hit Lucy right in the gut.
“Umm, I’m going to go downstairs to check on something.” Said Mike nervously
“and yet no beret.”
Mike walked downstairs when his phone started to vibrate. Picking it up, he said, “Hello? Oh, Sandy. … Okay I’ll check right now.” He walked into the kitchen where his mom was working on something. Her back was turned to Mike which gave him a creepy feeling. “Hey mom!” Mike called, but she didn’t respond which made him concerned. He slowly moves closer to her reaching out his hand to her, “mom?” he asks. Finally she turns pulling out an earphone.
“Oh, what is it dear?” she said casually.
“Umm, Sandy wanted to know if her room’s ready.” Mike said slightly surprised.
“Oh yes, don’t worry about it.” Suddenly Mike hugged her tightly with a big smile on his face. Finally, for once things are turning out the way I want it he thought.

Meanwhile back in Mike’s room, Sue’s sitting on the bed while Lucy is re-reading the script. “Sooo,” says Sue trying to break the ice. “how’re you taking the whole ‘sandy coming home’ situation?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Says Lucy annoyed by the question.
“Oh…not so well I take It.” says Sue dodgingly
“WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?!” yells Lucy, “THAT I’M HAPPY, ABOUT SANDY COMING HOME? THAT NOW MIKE WILL COMPLETELY DEDICATE ALL HIS TIME TO HER?” although she started the rant powerful and angry, her voices started to falter, tears started to rise, but she kept shouting, “THAT MY HEART IS JUST JAMPACKED WITH JOY AS MIKE LIVES HIS DREAM, GETS EVERYTHING HE EVER WANTED, AND I AM STUCK HERE WITH NOTHING BUT TEARS AND CRUSHED DREAMS?!” She pulled Sue by the collar and tearfully wailed, “IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?!” Lucy’s body starts to shake, her eyes gushing with tears the strength she once had vanished, and she finally whimpers, “is that what you want to hear?”
Sue in a comforting embrace, pats Lucy’s back, “no Lucy I don’t want you hurt, but you have to understand.” Sue then pulls Lucy away, and looks her in the eyes with a comforting yet stern voice says, “But Sandy isn’t coming tomorrow, she’s not coming next week, not in a month, she’s coming that means you only have today to make things right.”
“But there’s just no way,” starts Lucy still sniffling, “you saw, there’s no way to win his heart.”
“I’m not saying you win his heart Lucy.” Taking her back into her arms Sue states, “I’m saying you should stop wasting your time as you have all these years. Sandy’s coming today; maybe you should stop trying to win his heart,” Sue then stops to look Lucy again, brushing off a stray hair she says, “and start making things RIGHT. You only have today,”


“Love him Lucy, while you still have him.”

Lucy pulls herself together wiping away the last of her tears, and says "I-I jus-" she stops when she sees something that catches her eye. "oh that explains it."
"What?" responds Sue confused by the change.
"well i had a feeling this whole thing was a dream. Those zombies down there prove it." said Lucy calmly. Sue began to panic, Running to the window she confirmed that a big horde was in fact on it's way to Mike's house.
"Come on Lucy we need to leave now! those things are real!" said Sue hurriedly rushing down the stairs. when she made it to the kitchen, she shouted to Mike, "Mike, quick we need to leave right now!". just then a zombie hand broke through the front window.
Mike's mom quickly guided the three. "follow me kids, this way!" she quickly went to a door to the basement, but when she opened it a zombie leapt out at her. She quickly punched the zombie, incapacitating it. Mike, and Lucy were surprised by how her actions, and as they followed her Lucy said, "Man Mike your mom's a bad ass!" they quickly get into the basement, and lock the door. Mike's mom moves a bookcase on the wall revealing a panic room which has a hall leading to a ladder to the surface away from the house. She rushes all the kids inside, then begins to close the door. Mike, Lucy, and Sue are halfway to the ladder when Mike stops, and realizes that his mom is still behind the door. he pleads to her asking her not to leave him, but she reveals that when she punched the zombie, it bit her arm. "please Micheal, i love you but you need to go on without me." Mike pleads for her to stay, but it was useless. She quickly grabs a ghurka knife from a table in the basement, as the zombies begin to break through the door to the basement. she tosses it over to Sue and says, "Sue, protect my little boy." as she closes the door sealing her away she says, "Love her Micheal, love her and never let her go." As the six inch steel door shuts, Mike could still hear the sounds of his mother being torn apart; the sound made him stop completely.

the scene goes back to Mike at the campfire lamenting what happened. "when my mom died, it hit me. i realized just how horrible the situation was. we live our lives believing that things will be better, that what we're doing is for a better purpose in society, but now these monsters took it all away. this belief is what drives us. what makes us go to school, go to work, pay taxes, but now there's nothing. these things took all of it way, there is no school, no bank, no society, no nothing, and now there wasn't a person to comfort me. i knew there was Sandy, but i knew that she too would die."
it goes back to the panic room, where despite Mike's mom's best efforts were desperately opening the door. Lucy rushes to Mike trying to pull him away. Mike could hear her, and knew what was happening but he just couldn't move. he lost all hope, all faith.
Sue too was crying, but kept a level head, "come on Lucy, we need to leave now! i don't know how long that door's gonna hold!"
"I'm sorry Sue, but i'm not leaving Mike here. You go on without us!"
Sue felt sorry, she wanted to help the couple, but then she remembered, "That door's gonna swing open any second. I'm sorry, but i'm gonna leave while i still can."

the following people may find this part familiar Sock, Jamie, Boringamus, Akacatgirl, Hakuinaba, Beachsidecheese, BIP-BAP-BAM, Shotgun Wizard, SparkFur, LackLuster, and Million



It was a warm sunny day, as good as any other. The sun was hot and burning down on little Roseville. Everyone was out enjoying the Sunday except for Mike, Sue, and Lucy who were rehearsing for a play. Of course the play was Sue’s last ditch of effort to get Mike and Lucy together. Unfortunately there came a problem when a few weeks ago Mike received some very happy news...or at least it was happy for him. Sandy his long distance girlfriend had finally set things up so she could stay with Mike. She had fought for this, she compromised a lot of things, all so she could be with Mike, and in the end it all paid off, and Mike couldn’t be happier. Others weren’t so elated by the news, especially because of Lucy. Sandy’s plane was scheduled to arrive on November 21, 2007…today. Lucy shouted, “NO YOU CAN’T GO! YOU CAN’T DO THIS, YOU’LL DIE!” her voice cracking with sorrow.
“I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do, it’s already too late. I’m sorry but it must be done.” Said Mike somberly
“Please,” Lucy grabbed Mike by the collar, bringing him closer to her, then whispered “one last time.”
They were just about to kiss, but stopped, and turned to Sue who had been watching with much excitement. “Great acting guys, you both were amazing!” applauded Sue. Mike was in a military Jacket, while Lucy was sporting a red pull-over. The play was some sort of Left 4 Dead fan fiction, a play that neither Lucy nor Mike wanted any part in.
“Are you kidding? Lucy missed almost all her cues!” shouted mike
“Yeah, well Mike kept mumbling his lines!” responded Lucy
They kept on insulting each other for a good couple minutes, and Sue was not amused; she leaned forward with her head in her hands mumbling to herself “You guys are amazing at acting like friends.” Finally she got up, fed up with the bickering, and came in between the two. “Alright you two, take 5.”
“Tell me WHY we’re doing this stupid play again, it’s poorly written, the characters don’t match, and it’s just so forced.” Complained Mike
“It’s payback I told Jessica if you guys played the main roles, she could choose the play.” Shrugged Sue
“What I’m wondering is why the school could afford the special effects, these guns, and yet they couldn’t be bothered to get Mike a beret.” Stated Lucy
“You do know those guns aren’t real, they’re just pro-” and just in that moment, Mikes rifle goes off. If it weren’t filled with just blanks it would’ve hit Lucy right in the gut.
“Umm, I’m going to go downstairs to check on something.” Said Mike nervously
“and yet no beret.”
Mike walked downstairs when his phone started to vibrate. Picking it up, he said, “Hello? Oh, Sandy. … Okay I’ll check right now.” He walked into the kitchen where his mom was working on something. Her back was turned to Mike which gave him a creepy feeling. “Hey mom!” Mike called, but she didn’t respond which made him concerned. He slowly moves closer to her reaching out his hand to her, “mom?” he asks. Finally she turns pulling out an earphone.
“Oh, what is it dear?” she said casually.
“Umm, Sandy wanted to know if her room’s ready.” Mike said slightly surprised.
“Oh yes, don’t worry about it.” Suddenly Mike hugged her tightly with a big smile on his face. Finally, for once things are turning out the way I want it he thought.

Meanwhile back in Mike’s room, Sue’s sitting on the bed while Lucy is re-reading the script. “Sooo,” says Sue trying to break the ice. “how’re you taking the whole ‘sandy coming home’ situation?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Says Lucy annoyed by the question.
“Oh…not so well I take It.” says Sue dodgingly
“WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?!” yells Lucy, “THAT I’M HAPPY, ABOUT SANDY COMING HOME? THAT NOW MIKE WILL COMPLETELY DEDICATE ALL HIS TIME TO HER?” although she started the rant powerful and angry, her voices started to falter, tears started to rise, but she kept shouting, “THAT MY HEART IS JUST JAMPACKED WITH JOY AS MIKE LIVES HIS DREAM, GETS EVERYTHING HE EVER WANTED, AND I AM STUCK HERE WITH NOTHING BUT TEARS AND CRUSHED DREAMS?!” She pulled Sue by the collar and tearfully wailed, “IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?!” Lucy’s body starts to shake, her eyes gushing with tears the strength she once had vanished, and she finally whimpers, “is that what you want to hear?”
Sue in a comforting embrace, pats Lucy’s back, “no Lucy I don’t want you hurt, but you have to understand.” Sue then pulls Lucy away, and looks her in the eyes with a comforting yet stern voice says, “But Sandy isn’t coming tomorrow, she’s not coming next week, not in a month, she’s coming that means you only have today to make things right.”
“But there’s just no way,” starts Lucy still sniffling, “you saw, there’s no way to win his heart.”
“I’m not saying you win his heart Lucy.” Taking her back into her arms Sue states, “I’m saying you should stop wasting your time as you have all these years. Sandy’s coming today; maybe you should stop trying to win his heart,” Sue then stops to look Lucy again, brushing off a stray hair she says, “and start making things RIGHT. You only have today,”


“Love him Lucy, while you still have him.”

Lucy pulls herself together wiping away the last of her tears, and says "I-I jus-" she stops when she sees something that catches her eye. "oh that explains it."
"What?" responds Sue confused by the change.
"well i had a feeling this whole thing was a dream. Those zombies down there prove it." said Lucy calmly. Sue began to panic, Running to the window she confirmed that a big horde was in fact on it's way to Mike's house.
"Come on Lucy we need to leave now! those things are real!" said Sue hurriedly rushing down the stairs. when she made it to the kitchen, she shouted to Mike, "Mike, quick we need to leave right now!". just then a zombie hand broke through the front window.
Mike's mom quickly guided the three. "follow me kids, this way!" she quickly went to a door to the basement, but when she opened it a zombie leapt out at her. She quickly punched the zombie, incapacitating it. Mike, and Lucy were surprised by how her actions, and as they followed her Lucy said, "Man Mike your mom's a bad ass!" they quickly get into the basement, and lock the door. Mike's mom moves a bookcase on the wall revealing a panic room which has a hall leading to a ladder to the surface away from the house. She rushes all the kids inside, then begins to close the door. Mike, Lucy, and Sue are halfway to the ladder when Mike stops, and realizes that his mom is still behind the door. he pleads to her asking her not to leave him, but she reveals that when she punched the zombie, it bit her arm. "please Micheal, i love you but you need to go on without me." Mike pleads for her to stay, but it was useless. She quickly grabs a ghurka knife from a table in the basement, as the zombies begin to break through the door to the basement. she tosses it over to Sue and says, "Sue, protect my little boy." as she closes the door sealing her away she says, "Love her Micheal, love her and never let her go." As the six inch steel door shuts, Mike could still hear the sounds of his mother being torn apart; the sound made him stop completely.

the scene goes back to Mike at the campfire lamenting what happened. "when my mom died, it hit me. i realized just how horrible the situation was. we live our lives believing that things will be better, that what we're doing is for a better purpose in society, but now these monsters took it all away. this belief is what drives us. what makes us go to school, go to work, pay taxes, but now there's nothing. these things took all of it way, there is no school, no bank, no society, no nothing, and now there wasn't a person to comfort me. i knew there was Sandy, but i knew that she too would die."
it goes back to the panic room, where despite Mike's mom's best efforts were desperately opening the door. Lucy rushes to Mike trying to pull him away. Mike could hear her, and knew what was happening but he just couldn't move. he lost all hope, all faith.
Sue too was crying, but kept a level head, "come on Lucy, we need to leave now! i don't know how long that door's gonna hold!"
"I'm sorry Sue, but i'm not leaving Mike here. You go on without us!"
Sue felt sorry, she wanted to help the couple, but then she remembered, "That door's gonna swing open any second. I'm sorry, but i'm gonna leave while i still can."

Lucy clung to Mike, but he wouldn't move. "i was frozen with fear, and nothing Lucy said before would shake me from it. except for three words. three small words." Mike said to the group.

"I Need You." whimpered Lucy.

"at that moment, i realized how selfish i was being. all that time i thought that my life had no more purpose, that if i were to die no one would care, but Lucy snapped me out of it. with three small words, Lucy became my purpose. in that moment we became co-dependent. she needed me, and i needed her, she was willing to risk her life for me. in that moment, we were what Sue tried to make us. friends" unfortunately in that moment the zombies finally opened the door, and quickly descended upon the two.

they screamed as they rushed in, but Sue quickly jumped between them, and started hacking away at the zombies "Go! Go now!".
Mike and Lucy were shocked at Sue's return, "Sue! i thought you left us!" said Lucy relieved.
"oh please," replied Sue "Mike's mom trusted me to protect you two idiots, i couldn't just leave you here to die."
and with that Mike and Lucy quickly made it to the ladder, and pulled themselves to the surface. "Lucy grab my legs." said Mike getting an idea.
Sue was making quick work of the horde, but it was endless and pushing her back, until finally she felt something behind her.

the ladder. "FUCK!" Said Sue damning herself, "Why didn't you leave when you had the chance?!"

This post has been edited by lt_amazil: 30 January 2012 - 08:47 AM

Nothing makes sense. Things were typed out incorrectly. None of the characters are in character.

So many things are wrong here.

MintyLimeGreen, on 30 January 2012 - 08:50 AM, said:

sorry, about the position. i typed it out on Word first, and transferred it here but as you can see the justification got mixed up.

No, I'm saying, the characters are entirely out of place. I mean, I guess I understand that a zombie invasion could make them act a bit out of character, but some of these are just ridiculous or silly. The plot is very convoluted and hard to follow. Tons of typos, run on sentences and poorly worded sentences run amok here. When you write a story, you want to paint a picture. Your readers should be able to envision what you're writing, not sit there and try to figure out what the hell they're reading. It shouldn't be a chore to try and figure out what the hell is happening.

What I'm saying is, you really need to work on the flow of what you're trying to convey in your writings. Also, it would help if your plot stayed consistent. I can't tell if I'm reading a comedy or something serious. You set the tone as if I'm reading something serious, yet it has tons of comic relief aspects to it. What are you trying to write here? A comedy, horror or tragedy? I can't tell. That needs to be fixed immediately.

aww minty, now the suprise will be lost when you hear the other bits of my recording

Recordings, you say? lol. But focusing on the story: Minty said everything.

MintyLimeGreen, on 30 January 2012 - 09:06 AM, said:

uhhhhh yeah, note to self: never ever ever try to do a fucking comic to writing story ever again.

as for the flow. it actually started off as a comedy, and i had much randomness put in, but as time went on i was pressured and decided to make it more serious. of course as you can see there's a bunch of random jokes put into place and that's because i have a habit of ending every page in a sort of joke (except for Mike's lament). it's so the offline-beta-readers who have to wait for awhile for the next update don't feel left out. i like to have the page in a joke to show that it's an actual update. of course here it looks weird because it's all in one shot where it's supposed be like medicine (taken in short doses one at a time, and too much could be harmful).

Honestly? Start over. Write a rough draft. Carefully plan everything out. Pick a tone you want and go with that. There's nothing wrong with adding light bits of humor to a serious story, but you need to keep the story focused on where it's supposed to be for the majority. Keep people in character and have things make rational sense. I know, zombies and sense isn't exactly logical, but keep it believable. Throwing in the most random, batshit insane things you can think of at an awkwardly forced time is not the way to go.

Also, zombies are overplayed as shit at this point. I mean, I guess that's just my own personal annoyance, but yeah. The zombie fad is so old by now. The concept isn't horrible, but to me it's just jumping on the "LOL ZOMBIE FAD!!!" bandwagon.

On a side note, why am I trying.

but then what will I read for kicks?

think of the humor minty, THE HUMOR

This post has been edited by Chris: 30 January 2012 - 10:12 AM

Chris is right. Disregard everything I said.

Er, did the first chapter repeat itself like 2 or 3 times, or is that just me?

DLancer, on 31 January 2012 - 02:49 PM, said:

No, it genuinely is as broken and randomly rambling as it first seems.