Bittersweet Candy Bowl Forums

I'm not sure how to use these really but hey what the hell.

*This be the only chapter to revolve around a fancharacter!!*

Chapter 1.

"Abbey! Glad you came, thank you for meeting me, I'm sure you know why I'm here." The figure in the bushes said quietly as not to attract any unwanted attention. Abbey quickly swivelled to the sound of the voice, clenching his fists.
"Hey hey, come on. No need for violence." The voice whispered as he placed a hand on Abbeys' shoulder. The figure in the shadows stepped out into the light to reveal a Manx cat with white fur in an overcoat. The Manx was wearing a hat and glasses to hide his identity. Something about the Manxs' leg seemed familiar to Abbey and he raised an eyebrow to the figure.
"You ask me to get you into Bittersweet high but don't even show me your face! Show yourself." The figure simply replied
"Abbey, I asked you because are a man of honour, and I expected you to be able to respect my wishes." Abbey smiled, he had a good idea of who this person was but needed to see his face.
"Show me your face and I will get you into school TODAY! I can't get you in otherwise." The figure sighed, "There is no way Abbey would give up." The figure thought as he removed his glasses and hat.

"Alex?" Abbey asked. "You told me over the phone you were going straight to Lucys'. Why are you here?" Alex shrugged, his fur shaking slightly as he moved his shoulders up and down.
"I needed you to get me into school first, I wanted to make a bit of an impact when I came and sat down next to her at lunch." Abbey smiled, Alex was always one to make an impact.
"Abbey, you say you can get me in school today?" Alex probed
"Yeah sure, everything was already set up, I can get you in now actually." Alex raised an eyebrow at Abbeys' sudden enthusiasm, it was never like him to be enthusiastic at any task, well not since Alex left anyway.
"Yeah if you're sure then great, lets go!" Alex smiled putting his glasses and hat back on.

The gate that led to Bittersweet high was a big metal one, the posts on either sides had lion heads roaring (as to keep up the schools tradition of being fierce and proud), many of the students call themselves "The lions" as a nickname, contradicted with another school, but hey, no-one cared.
Alex and Abbey walked through the crowd of school kids towards the magnificent gate and up to the door, Abbey sighed as he walked through, Alex picked up on this and tried to start a conversation.
"How far is it to Mikes' house from here?" He asked. Abbey turned quickly, as it he had snapped out of a day-dream.
"Not too far, maybe 15 mins at walking speed?" Abbey replied. "Why?" Alex smiled as he tapped his nose 3 times, gesturing there was something he didn't want to say.

The principals' office in Bittersweet high was a rather small room, much smaller than you would expect one to be, Abbey knocked on the door to the office, half expecting the prinicipal to be out.
"Come in Abraham." The deep boomy voice sounded from behind the door, Abbey and Alex proceeded through and both took a seat.
"So, Abraham, this is the boy you told me about?" Principal Howson asked. "Alex, I believe you said."
Principal Howson leaned back in his chair, his fingers tapping on the desk in front of him, Principal Howson was a rather thin man, people said he used to be a boxer, but he got hit in the head a few times too many. Alex smiled, the corner of his mouth lifting up.
"Principal Howson. It is a privilege." Alex said sticking his hand out to shake. "As you already know, I would like to enroll at bittersweet high."
"Indeed, as I have heard." Howson replied shaking Alexs' hand. "Well, we have been notified by your current Guardian that you wanted to join, so we already had everything ready for your arrival. Plus we had good old Abraham over here..."
"Its Abbey!" Abbey quickly butt in. He shot a dark glance at Principal Howson before resting his head on his hand.
"Well anywho, we had ABBEY... Over here also act as a sort of messenger." Howson explained while keeping Abbey in the corner of his eye.

"Mr Howson, I would like to get to my first lesson on time, so can we please hurry this up?" Alex asked looking at his watch, the time was 8:50, Lucy and Mike would be here soon and he wanted to catch them before school started, I mean it would just be far too awkward if he just ended up in one of their lessons saying: "Oh hey, oh yeah, I moved back, forgot to say."
Principal howson raised an eyebrow at this, he knew what time his school started and there was 20 minutes before any lessons took place. But nonetheless he smiled and simply nodded his head, and with a smile and a wave, Alex was officially in bittersweet high. Abbey smiled and escorted him back to the front door.
"So now you're here, what are you gonna do?" Abbey asked "Are you gonna stir things like Mike said you did before?
Alex looked slightly hurt at this, but he simply smiled and replied
"No, Abbey I'm not." He scratched his ear, the one that was pretty much the size of his nose thanks to a dog attack when he was younger, it was irritating to have 2 different looking ears but Alex had gotten used to it.
"In fact I think I'll wait with you until they arrive. You know, do the whole, hide from them the jump out from behind a tree, sort'a thing." Abbey smiled and nodded his head.
"So we're gonna wait here then?" "Yup." Alex sat down on the stairs to Bittersweet high and checked his watch, it was 8:55, he was just going to have to wait.

Chapter 2.

"I'm not saying you screwed up with it, I'm just saying you could have made more effort."
"yeah well, it's kinda hard to make effort when you're calling me every freaking minute, asking how it's going! Anyway, what about your half?
"It's alright, took about half an hour to do. I hope miss likes our project."
"Not likely, you did it."
Mike and Lucy stopped to look at the poster attatched to the lamp post. It read :
"Talent show in Roseville, any can enter, just sign up at Bittersweet high school."
Mike grinned at this, he had no talents, but he could get Lucy to sing, she had an amazing voice.
"Hey Lucy, you wanna sign up for this, you have a great voice." He said still looking at the poster, he looked up to see Lucy had walked on, Mike sighed, he must have spoke to her deaf ear.
"LUCY!!!!" He screamed at the top of his voice, his voice crackling near the end of the scream. Lucy quickly swivelled round and saw Mike ushering her towards him, she quickly jogged back.
"Luce, look at this." Mike said handing her the poster, she took it and read it from top to bottom, she then put it back on the lamp post and walked on.
"So, what do you think?" Mike asked jogging to catch up with her, she looked at him and sighed.
"Mike, what did I say last time you tried to sign me up for something?" She asked.
"Well, I don't remember, all I remember is you hitting me on the head several times..."

"Mike, just leave it, I'm not doing it, and that's that!" Lucy said angrily, she stormed off leaving Mike having to jog to catch her up.
"Ok ok, I won't force you, lets just go to school, god sake Lucy!" Mike replied. Lucy Punched on the back, Mike turned quickly and shot evil glances at her.
"What the F**k was that for?!" He shouted, she shrugged at him and made a sympathetic face to mock him.
"Aww did Mikey get hurt by the likkle girly? aww." She taunted.
"Shut up!" Mike said turning the corner onto Abbeys' road, Abbey had already phoned Mike to say he was going to school another way so he couldn't walk with him, Mike wondered why he did this, but hey, it was his choice.
"Mike?" Lucy asked. "When is Sandy visiting?" Mike made a face at this question, it was always awkward talking about Sandy with Lucy, Mikes' girlfriend was a bit of a sore spot for Lucy, especially since Lucy still had feeling for him.
"Uhh, i'm not too sure, maybe in a few months?" Mike said unconvincingly as they reached the gates of Bittersweet high.

Mike walked through the magnificent gate towards Bittersweet high, this was the first time he had walked to school with Lucy since she told him she loved him. Mike was cold, he normally let his scarf hang off his neck, but this time he had it wrapped up in a knot to keep in heat. Lucy suddenly stopped, jaw dropped, Mike looked around to see what, had her gawping, he quickly saw why, the reason why was sitting on the steps to Bittersweet high talking to Abbey.
"Lucy, is that..." "Alex!" She murmered to Mike, as they continued walking up the stairs, Alex was sorta like a big brother to Lucy, although he wasn't actually related to her, he was there to keep her sane when she had no-one to talk to. Mike was grateful for this, but last time he was here, he meddled in everything, Mike ended up getting attacked and Alex getting part of his ear torn off. Lucy seemed to gulp as she and Mike got closer to Alex and Abbey. Mike had so many things he wanted to say to him, but they would probably have to wait. "Alex?" Lucy stuttered. "W-what are you doing here?"
"Lucy!" Alex said with a lot of enthusiasm, as he stood up.
"It's nearly time for lessons but, I will say this, You are all in danger!"

fancharacter? check

best friends with lucy? check

now for the stage where this is updated once before he gets to fuck lucy and the thread fades into oblivion

lol, not this fanfic, it got uodated once because the cold weather in the U.K disrupted my internet connection and I have had no way to access it, its better now but lol what do I know, I'm a 12 year old U.K kid whos's scared of Mexicans cos i heard a joke about it on Glee.

i am not sure how to react to this self-deprecation

its called a joke...
oh and btw, the ashes ^^

I dislike you already.
No I'm kidding.
A bit.
Not a bad story though, once you stop banging your head on the desk at the blatant fancharctery.

This post has been edited by Sammy: 01 December 2010 - 06:54 PM

*Bangs head against desk until the pain goes away*

Whhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy?

Is it really that hard to figure out that if Lucy had someone who "was there to keep her sane when she had no-one to talk to", then she wouldn't have all the problems that she DOES have? Do you not remember that the reason she became so heavily dependent on Mike was because he was the only one who was there for her? That the reason she became so closed off and refused to show her emotions to people was because when Mike met Sandy, she had nobody?

IT MAKES NO SENSE!

Ahem... /rage

Either way, generic fan character driven story despite whether or not he's the main character, that seems to be more or less competently written with the exception of the fact that certain parts don't flow as good as they could and some of the grammar is iffy.

Oh, and it's "Roseville High", not "Bittersweet High" which made me groan and face palm every time I read it ><

Yes it is maveric. If it was easy to do that you wouldn't be considered a good wrighter. You would be a normal wrighter. Identifying and using not only the personality of your charactures but the reasons behind the personalitys is one of the harder parts of fiction. Not wrighting, fiction and also non-fiction. as a matter of fact, If it was that easy for people to understand echother, well, I think you can just think about it. Your one of the smarter ones.

ahahah.
it's funny because everyone forget that the principal is a cheerful female dog.
why people always forget that?

*hides behind computer*

Soo many mistakes... I wanna cry

Look at it this way.
"So many people read my awsome fanfic that they managed to find errors"

Don't feel too glum. My review of this was more favorable than most reviews I give. Hey! It's technically under 2 paragraphs! Now... When my review of your story is longer than the story... THEN you have something to worry about

would it be a better idea to start a new story without fancharacters and the mistakes mentioned, or should I carry on with this 1?

Start over and slaughter the fancharacters in humorous ways.
Do whatever the hell you like, man. It's your story, and this is just our opinion. We're a pretty opinionated bunch, so you would probably have been shunned anyway even if you hadn't included fancharacters

This post has been edited by Sammy: 05 December 2010 - 03:03 PM

and half of us are rager/grammer nazis.

do what you will.

Indeed. If you feel like your story is worth telling, keep telling it. Just try your best to improve as you do yeah?