Bittersweet Candy Bowl Forums

Well, hello hello, I decided to register here finally.

And I think this is a nice momento for annouce the official start of my BCB fanfict. It is an history about love, crime, drama, suspense and thriller. Yes guys, if I rated it as M (for MATURE only), it is for something. Well, it will be for something .

Hope you like it!.

One step beyond Chapter 1, a bittersweet candy bowl fanfic | FanFiction


PS: yes, Im an spanish trying for the first time to write a long history in englis :S. Damn, that mental effort gives me some headache!

This post has been edited by Volgrand: 26 January 2011 - 04:33 PM

Its good. I'm just wondering what Lucy is going to do.

Obligatory

God, I so have to change the fict's name

Obligatory statement first. You need to work on your English grammar. Try reading some English short stories, or some of the fanfics posted on this site (Susan's are good to read for an example of excellent spelling and grammar). I know you mentioned that you're struggling in that area, but it goes without saying that if you can't master the language, even the best story ideas are going to go unnoticed, or badly reviewed. You're working in a medium of PURE language and text. Learn it. Master it. THEN master everything else.

Now that that's out of the way...

Your story premise is interesting. I'm quite intrigued as to where you're going with it. That and the fact that you've used no fancharacters, and you're off to a good start.

I have one major gripe, and a few technical issues. The biggest problem I have is the pacing. You seemed to be flowing relatively alright for a while there... But then after a while you started to drift over things a bit too quickly. I had no idea Lucy was in Mike's house until AFTER she had found Sandy's phone number, which is due largely to the fact that you didn't take the time to set the scene between her walking down the path and arriving at Mike's house. If you can over come this, you'll have a fairly competent (if short and a little hard to read due to the language issues) opening to the story.

There are at least two technical errors I noticed in my single read through. First of all, Mike almost drowning occurs before the comic even started. We saw it in a flashback. That means that it happened BEFORE they were attacked in the alleyway, which means that you referenced the events out of order.

The other is a surprisingly common one. Sandy does not live in another country. She still lives in America just like the rest of the cast. The only difference is that she lives a couple of states away from them, meaning she'd need to take a VERY long car/bus ride, or an hour or two plane trip to visit. Lucy could still have noticed the number as being one with an out of state area code, but she still lives in America.

All in all, not a bad first attempt I must admit. Fix those few things, work on your English, and you'll have a very intriguing opening to what I hope will be an interesting story.

Thanks for your critic Maverik, it really helps a lot.

Damn, didnt see the error in the order of the events. Will fix it.
About Sandy's location... well ok, my fault :S.

About the pacing you mention, I really wanted to "skip" the part when Lucy got the number. But, if you understood that Lucy was in the house, I think there are some problems in my way of explaining what is happenning here. I will have to work in it.

Well, again, thank you.

New chapter, and I reedited the 1st one. Now I have the english spell-check for openoffice . It should be better now.

Well, 3rd chapter posted. Sorry for the long time, but I have been travelling and withouth any time to write .

4th chapter... and now we are getting to the point of that story... and it has just begun... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

One step beyond Chapter 4, a bittersweet candy bowl fanfic | FanFiction

Cool story bro

Only thing is, as far as I know, Sandy doesn't wear a wig, it's her natural hair

Really? Damn it! Ok fixing it

This is a good story. I will enjoy reading the next chapter, good job Volgrand.

Next chapter! sorry for the timing but I was in holidays.

Shitshitshitshit

This is the only BCB story that has actually made my heart race... HOW COULDTHAT DOG DO THAT GRRGRGHHRHGRGRHRGRHRGHRG

Just one thing: "Amaya bent near Amaya"., third line from the end.. who was meant to bend near Amaya?

This post has been edited by Sammy: 09 January 2011 - 07:54 PM

ARRRG DAMN IT! It happens because I had to go to work fast! XDDDD Ok fixing it XDDDD

One step beyond Chapter 6, a bittersweet candy bowl fanfic | FanFiction

Yeeees new chapter. Let's see what happens after the events with Amaya....

This is the best fanfic I've read in years. God bless ya <3

I think for not being a native English speaker that you've done quite well. The storyline was well thought out. Keep it up.

New chapter. Oh my God! What will happen next?
One step beyond Chapter 7, a bittersweet candy bowl fanfic | FanFiction

(Also Im putting a little poll in the post)

Awesome as ever

Really can't wait for the next chapter!

Me too i really want see next chapter

So you wanted next chapter? YOU WANTED A NEW CHAPTER?

HERE YOU HAVE!!!! -Volgrand launches de chapter with anger- :D

One step beyond Chapter 8, a bittersweet candy bowl fanfic | FanFiction

Amazing

I will wait for more

Check out Augustus, gettin' all Jason Bourne-like and shit~

Nice chapter dude!

Well I just finished reading, and I must say I did enjoy it quite a bit. While the English definitely needs some work, the general plot was original and refreshing.

There were a few parts, mainly those at the party, where I felt the characters did get a touch out of character, but that could of just been a misinterpretation. It's very possible if you master your English schools, and apply a little more detail to certain situations, those issues may actually cease to exist.

All in all it was a good story, I enjoyed the plot, and for the most part, everything was correct, even if not to a tee.

Oh and in Chapter 4, the moment I saw I close my eyes, I just knew.

I only read the first chapter and its seems intersting. I will speak my mind when i've finished it.

Finished reading the rest of the chapters and... It is still really good. Prob one of the best things I read so far.

HA, wow. I was always hoping someone would do this. The revenge against Green Eyes. I've talked about this before but I never figured anyone would do it. Can't wait for more man.

Can't wait for Mike to go apeshit crazy and Augustus be a complete ninja.

This post has been edited by Fenix: 09 February 2011 - 03:30 AM

Thanks everyone for the coments.

@meowth, thank you for the critic. May I ask you where did you see that out of character touch? I tried to respect all characters and it will be really interesting for me to know where did I fail.
An yes, I am about to take english lessons again. I am looking to go working to CAnada, or even Australia, and I see I will have to improve my english skill :

@Demonkat well thks. I don't think I am that good, but thanks thanks .

@Fenix hehe, I didn't know you talked about that idea before. Really, when I read how the Alejandro's arch finished, and that Augustus was in his band (after the carnival chapter) that idea came to my mind.
I have a nice idea for Augustus, not exactly making him be a "ninja", but I think he will do a great role

(Augustus: FUCK YEAH! I rock! )

I noticed quite a few spelling and grammar errors, but nothing too bad. With practise, you'll be fluent in no time.

SushiJaguar, on 09 February 2011 - 09:43 AM, said:

Practise makes perfect~

Oh hi! I was near the place and I decided to toss a new chapter n_n

One step beyond Chapter 9, a bittersweet candy bowl fanfic | FanFiction

OH FUCK YEAH!

Another great chapter.


I must say I'm particularly enjoying the way the perspective goes from person to person. I think it adds a bit of mystery even where you wouldn't suspect it.

Dude you are putting the adreneline through my blood at an alarming rate. So much action going on. I LOVE IT. I care not for the grammar because I care more for the story! Like my english teacher always said. Grammar can be fixed but stories are hard to manipulate.

Thaks for the comments n_n. They inspire me to.continue writing. Anyway if you are so kind to point me some of the grammar mistakes... well Ill thank it a.lot.

I prevent you that the next chapter will be... hard. You will see

Prevent us? You mean promise?

Plus the phrase goes; "If you are/would be so kind as to", for future reference.

Lol there are allot of grammar mistakes out there but I'm either too lazy or don't have enough time to pick them all out. Ask maverick he would be happy to help.

This is one of my favourite fanfics now, keep it up <3

Well im sorry for the late. No, next chapter isn't finished yet . I have been a little lazy, but it is also a hard scene and I am having some difficulties to finish it. If you want to be happy, here you have a little advance:

True, the grammar and word choice could be better, but the rest of the story: the flow, the pacing, the action, the character development are all really good.

Keep the good work up.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND IT'S HERE!

One step beyond Chapter 10, a bittersweet candy bowl fanfic | FanFiction

Yeah, I am a cruel fanfic writer. But not as cruel as in the "love me" fanfics (however, great fics too)

Fucking Epic. But you must hurry it up. Want to see Mike and Bar Cat or what ever his name is have a last fight. Though I don't know if it would better if Mike died or both of them. Great chapter man.

Quote

This is true.
I can read "One step beyond" easier then "Love Me"


This is a great story!
And your doing a great job on it, keep up the good work!

This post has been edited by Domafari: 14 March 2011 - 02:35 PM

I think your "responsive" word is meant to say "responsible" amirite?

@fenix.

Thks man. I will try to hurry up. That chapter took me longer, because I was never fully satisfied with the result.
And well, I don't have any particular ending in mind. I let the history flow to my keyboard as I think about it. Anything could happen. I don't even know if Daisy and Abbey would make it out.

@Domafari

Hell yeah, it is easier to read. I wasn't capable of finishing the second part (but I skipped to read the epilogue ).
Thks man.

@RedJack

I BLAME YOU WORD CORRECTOR! YOU RUINED IT ALL! CURSE YOUUUUU!
Thaks for pointing it, I will correct it

Ehhemmm... 5 weeks since I said "I will try to hurry up".... wow man times goes by so fast, don't you think so?

Anyway, sorry for the long wait, but I have been too much focused on music, and I have also been travelling. But, here you have...

One step beyond Chapter 11, a bittersweet candy bowl fanfic | FanFiction

Hope you enjoy it n_n

I think this might have been somewhat lost in translation; "Mouth" came out as "mandible" which, although it gave me a good chuckle, probably isn't quite what you intended. Unless they have suddenly become ants. Which would be cool too. Oh, and did you mean something else when you said "Smacked", a word which generally refers to slapping; perhaps you meant "punched"?

FUCK YEAH MCCAIN!! DONT GET PUSHED AROUND >=D