Taeshi, on 11 November 2011 - 03:26 AM, said:
Meowth: Haha, tbh I figured you haven't really been so talkative because you've been angry or still bothered about all the drama that's passed, which I'm not saying is something that YOU SHOULD CHANGE GRR HOW DARE YOU, but I kind of miss how it was a lot more casual back then and rather than figure you were just worried about offending me, I instead worried that you were still angry at me.
I can see why it appeared like that, but I promise that is not the reason I have acted differently. I'm not going to sit here and say there aren't times I look back, think about that argument, and get annoyed, but with consistent effort I manage to mostly put it behind me. I am definitely not acting any differently toward you (outwardly) because of it. You could ask any of the people that I normally talk to in the IRC and I'm sure they would be pretty quick to say that I have acted differently toward them as well, whether I have a clear reason to or not. I can say with confidence that it is personal problems on my end and they are not directly correlated with the forums - and are certainly the fault of no one but myself! But I'm getting off topic now.
I know you apologised and I definitely appreciated that, but I always felt bad because I figured you felt forced to do it as a way to avoid conflict, rather than actually meaning it.
I could be mistaken in thinking this is a smart thing to admit, but I've never been a good liar - one of my greatest weaknesses as a human. The apology wasn't entirely honest. The only part that was truly sincere was the part about regretting ever participating in it and the fact that I was indeed partly to blame. I'm sure this is much to the disagreement of quite a few people, but I cannot accept that I was not right, and not because of some foolish pride or stubbornness, but because I legitimately believe majority of what I said - even now. I didn't say things because I can't admit to being wrong, I didn't say things because of sheer anger, and I didn't say things because I am self-conscious about my writing; I said what I said because I honestly believed my stance was correct, and as I said before, I still do.
I should also point out that you're completely right; I was somewhat forced into it. Despite how many times I've been called passive aggressive (for some reason
), I actually didn't act much differently at all to either you or suitcase in the forums or the IRC, yet it was completely impossible to have any reasonable conversation at all. Everything from minor things, to my broken keychain, to that situation with Mettlebird. It seemed that no matter what, it always ended up with me being wrong, stupid, or both, and mostly for no particular reason. Quite frankly, it didn't leave the best impression on me. The argument itself had seemed immature, petty, even somewhat diabolical at times, then after seeing that, I was able to leave that thread only to be met with hostility everywhere else that you and Suit were.
I should point out that despite how annoying that was, it wasn't the biggest reason why I actually did apologize, though. And once again, I could be gravely mistaken for thinking this is intelligent to admit, but the reason I did it was because I felt bad and regretted it a lot. I would occasionally stumble upon a post you would make and, possibly without your knowledge, you would say something about your life or your depression or your self-esteem problems or you being self-conscious or paranoid... Ect. I would always feel bad when I read them, and then I started to consider something: how much were the things I was saying and doing adding on to this? Were they doing anything? Were they doing a lot? If they were doing something, did YOU even realize they were affecting you? I had never seen you act quite so hostile toward a person. I had never seen you practice such dedication to be deliberately offensive or to be an irritant. If I had made you go that far, I must have really have offended you. That was when I truly started to regret everything. I may have been, and might still be completely wrong about that assumption - I can't prove it - but I decided that it was better to play it safe rather than risk being sorry, and I found it would be for the best either way.
For the longest time I had justified my brutal honesty with the defense I was simply pointing out people's flaws so they could fix them - which was what I wanted done to me - but I didn't realize I wasn't helping anything, and I was simply throwing back everything that made you human back in your face. I wasn't helping anything at all, and I was at fault for even allowing that argument to happen. It was a lack of judgment on my part; I let my anger get the best of me. I should have known it would serve no purpose and that proving Suit wrong wouldn't accomplish anything productive other than making me feel good for the wrong reasons.
I hope that saying this cleared up the mystery surrounding the apology. I didn't apologize because I was wrong or because I overreacted or because Suitcase was right about anything; I apologized because I contributed, I was a dick, and I am sorry if I hurt you or anyone in the process.
Sometimes I feel like you're a bit of tool. Like you just sort of do what is popular or funny at the time, not really concerning yourself with the important specifics.
This post has been edited by Meowth: 11 November 2011 - 09:59 PM