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BetaWolf's Writing Corner

Spoiler


So, after seeing Rakshiv make a thread for her art, I thought I'd do the same for my writing :P

I'm a sucky artist, but at least I'm a slightly better writer... Hopefully.

Anyways, I hope for critique and that you like my story. :unsure:
  • #1

It's... mediocre. Your writing is competant enough, nothing special, but what gets me is the bizarre pacing and unoriginal anthro-style characterisation. If this is a story- a novella, even- then it will be over within another two pages. You have characters, a basic plot, and a setting, so drag it out. Put in some description, and make everything more colourful; at the moment, this reads like an amateur's entry into a fan-fiction contest, and your grasp of technique shows that you know better.

"“Indeed.” He replied, casting a glance to Maya, his eyes resting on her mocha colored fur a moment before meeting eyes with her.
“His stamina was something else. I gave chase for about twenty minutes straight and he hadn’t lost his breath even then.” He stated, Maya embracing him from behind as she pulled him close to her, her breasts covered by a thin red cloth squishing against his back as she spoke, “Unlike me?""

This whole section is just bland. Spice it up by adding adjectives, adverbs, and by beefing up the dialogue. The characters might as well actually be animals for all the variation in their language: ". There are also some sloppy grammatical errors here and there, and the whole thing will have a far more professional glimmer if you polish it up before presentation. Overall, it's just bland. I could see it coming to life if you made it richer; don't be afraid to go into more detail than is necessary if you think it'll make it more interesting. Having said this, I would like to see more of your work.

This post has been edited by Sammy: 01 November 2011 - 06:15 PM

  • #2

My god I got ninja'd!

Ok. I'm not being negitive (ok, that's a lie) but there are a lot of grammatical errors here. These are easily fixed with proof reading however. It's best to have someone else do this however because it's harder to see mistakes in your own work then in someone else's.

I'll go though some examples now...

Quote

Ignoring the two swords strapped to his back he un-sheathed a small curved dagger, its blade made of sharpened bone as Caedryn’s clawed hand wrapped around its leather handle.

It should be more...

Ignoring the two swords strapped to his back, Caedryn un-sheathed a small curved dagger made of sharpened bone. Caedryn’s clawed hand wrapped tightly around its woren leather handle.

I added some color to the sentences and prevented it from sounding as though the dagger somehow became bone as it was drawn. A moment on color: add more. This is what writing is about! Bring the world to life! Use as many adjectives as you can!


Quote

Quickly and painlessly, Caedryn had slit his prey’s throat before sheathing his dagger and landing on the ground, next to his prize. Kneeling, he said a quick prayer before heaving the body over his shoulder, his red fur and blue stripes visible in the sun as he headed back to the village.

The first sentence has flow problems. With the red and blue stripes... I assume you are referring to the hunter, not the corpse, but this isnt too apparent. It is good to make people think about your story but making it difficult to tell the difference between characters is not the way to do this.

Quote

As he entered his village, Caedryn was greeted with a smile from his long-time friend Maya. Her yellow eyes met his as he walked passed her and lay the beast he had killed earlier on a stone altar, Maya speaking as he prepared tonight’s meal.

Flow...
Try this; As Caedryn entered the village he was greeted by Maya, his life long friend. She smiled as the two locked eyes. Caedryn lay his kill on a stone altar and began prepearing it for the nights meal.
Maya spoke "blah blah"

You also need to avoid repetition. It makes writing boring. This will also help with the color problem.

Ok that's all I'm going to do currently because editing on the iPhone is time consuming and I don't want to destroy your self esteem or anything. But I shall reiterate... Proof read! Ideally have someone else do it but it is fine to don't it yourself, it's just harder. Also, should you have a Mac you can have it read the work out to you and listen for any problems. It's in the short cuts somewhere. I assume PC can do it too but I've never needed it on mine. My Mac is my work platform. Should you want me to edit further, drop me a pm. I'll be happy to do so and I have experience.

Do like this story, and I believe that it it has had the kinks ironed out it will be great, if alittle cliche.

This said, feel to completely disregard any and all advise given here. After all, these are just my opinions, I could be wrong.

This post has been edited by memyselfandi: 01 November 2011 - 06:27 PM

  • #3

MMI, you haven't corrected half of the errors that you listed. The fact that I have to do it for you negates your point entirely.

"Ignoring the two sords strapped to his back, Caedryn...."

"...a small, curved dagger, made of sharpened bone...."
Not to mention your misspelling of "worn".

The issue of the stripes can be resolved by the fact that the character, the accusative, is referred to as "he" and the beast as "it"; call me old-fashioned, but generally this categorisation doesn't change mid-paragraph (That reminds me of another point; your paragraphs are very strangely spaced- join some of them together to give the whole thing a better flow).

"As Caedryn entered the village, he was..."

May I suggest that you withdraw services related to proofreading and editing?
  • #4

I told you you'd get some critiques my friend. C:
That said, I still stand with the belief that in order to get better at writing, you should read more. By reading more, you get to see how other people weave together their words, and it'll give you ideas you never knew you had.

Now now you two. No reason to attack each other. :<

This post has been edited by Rakshiv: 01 November 2011 - 07:47 PM

  • #5

View PostSammy, on 01 November 2011 - 07:05 PM, said:

May I suggest that you withdraw services related to proofreading and editing?

...
Thank you for once again proving I am a moron. Done and done. nether the less... I wasn't really editing here, I was... Doesn't matter. No excuse. I'm a dumbass. Good night everybody.
  • #6

Ouch
  • #7

Self-pitying won't help. Just learn from what people say, and then be whiny about the things that matter.
  • #8

Just wanted to say thanks for all the critique :)

I'll do my best to make chapter 2 and higher better ^^

I appreciate all the help ^^
  • #9

View PostSammy, on 01 November 2011 - 08:59 PM, said:

Self-pitying won't help. Just learn from what people say, and then be whiny about the things that matter.

Not self pity. Just the trust. I have too high of an opinion of myself anyway.

[/derail]

[betawolf's story]
  • #10

When did people suddenly STOP writing fanfiction for BCB and instead start writing their own work and making forum threads for it? Look, it's an ambitious thing to do, but I think it's more reserved for like Deviant Art or something.

This post has been edited by NintendoSegaSonyGuy: 02 November 2011 - 11:59 AM

  • #11

  • Taeshi
  • one hot bitch
    Administrator
No, you're wrong. Creative arts is for art and writing of any variety - original or fanart. This person has the right to post original work.
  • #12

View PostTaeshi, on 02 November 2011 - 02:25 PM, said:

No, you're wrong. Creative arts is for art and writing of any variety - original or fanart. This person has the right to post original work.


Agh, I know...but I want to read some new BCB fanfiction...Susan already quit her most recent thing, and it is sorely missed by at least me... :nope:
  • #13

  • Taeshi
  • one hot bitch
    Administrator
Too bad? You'll have to wait for someone to write? Or write one yourself?
  • #14

View PostTaeshi, on 03 November 2011 - 01:39 AM, said:

Too bad? You'll have to wait for someone to write? Or write one yourself?


I'm trying to write one myself right now, actually. And I did one before, as well. I believe your review of it was "Skimmed through, saw 'James', stopped reading"?
  • #15

  • Taeshi
  • one hot bitch
    Administrator
But the fact is, I don't care if there's no BCB fanfics lately. Because I don't mind original work.
  • #16

So, it's been some time since I last posted in here with anything to do with writing. One reason being that the exchange between Taeshi and NSSG made me feel like I started the whole thing.

I hope to be a bit more active here, both with original and fan work. I recently finished a MLP: FiM One shot, having done my best to use past critique to drag out scenes and add more detail. I'm not sure how much I was able to do, but I am personally happy how it turned out ^^

Contains shipping and an OC ^^;

Spoiler

  • #17

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