Oh hey look what I found.
Just read this first part of your fanfic, going over it with a steel comb now.
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It was snowing, but he didn’t feel cold at all. He didn’t need anything but his fur and scarf to keep him warm after all. Maybe that was because he was running. He was running really fast, like someone was chasing him, even though he was alone on the street. The street was completely silent, and only illuminated by some street lights. However Mike didn’t care about that, he had just realized something a couple of minutes ago, and at the time, nothing else mattered to him.
The bold words represent repetition, you use the same words so close to one another it really breaks the pace. Like 'street' for example. You use it three times just a sentence's apart."The street, the street, the street." You don't always have to use street, you can use road or lane or boulevard.
The underlined segment also shows repetition. "He was running. he was running really fast." This can work as a sentence if you use a comma, conjunction or a semicolon, like so:
"He was running, he was running really fast"
"He was running, and he was running REALLY fast." (emphasis to show voice, and to exaggerate. You don't have to do this, but it's personally something I enjoy)
"He was running; he was running really fast."
Other than that I say to reword the sentence, we get he was running but is he just running or is he sprinting?
"He was sprinting down the road like a bullet out of the chamber etc. etc."
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The thoughts ringed on his ears: “How could I be so stupid”, “She was right all along”, “I’ve been a jerk”, “I must tell her now”.
Time began to pass. He had run all the while, and while he had run with an objective, he realized he had no way of knowing where he was running towards. He slowed the march and began to walk, What would be the implications of his actions? If he said what he thought right now to her… “Maybe she will overreact”, “Maybe she will take this the wrong way”. He completely stopped. There was no need to meet Lucy in person, he could just call her, he could just wait until tomorrow. “Maybe that will be better” he finally thought and turned around.
His heart beat violently. His mind raced, but only came to one obvious conclusion.
“I must be dreaming”
Snow kept falling. Everything the street light illuminated was white. Everything except for the pink ribbon and the blue eyes.
In the italicized text, I stress that you do just that. Put them in italics. It'll be much easier to pick out that they're thoughts.
Also, another personal but useful preference of mine. Put each thought on a separate line, it makes the prose dramatic and it's easier to read. Two " should never be next to each other.
Repetition of 'while.'
If you can pick it out, you see that I underlined the comma. One, it's a comma and 'What' shouldn't be capitalized. Two I believe the whole "What would be the complications...." line should be it's one separate line, not pieced together. It carries weight and can stand alone. Same with the other underlined line, it'll look neater.
Also, "His heart beat violently. His mind raced..." Replace that period with a comma since it has the same main idea as the rest of the sentence.
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“Lucy” Mike whispered.
She just stood there. Mike did too. For about twenty seconds they just stood there, in the snowy way and under the streetlight.
“Lucy” Mike said, a little louder than before.
Lucy flinched after hearing Mike say her name, but she recovered her composure quickly.
“Wha... what do you want?” She said, her voice really low. “What are you doing here?” she asked, now saying it with her normal voice.
Mike was quiet. He didn’t know what to say. After all, not an hour ago Lucy tried to talk to him and he just cut her off and left.
Lucy frowned, “If you’ve got nothing to say, get out of the way”.
Mike was impressed, last time he heard Lucy speak she talked softly and low, but now she sounded loud and… aggressive.
“Lucy, I… I gotta tell you something.” Mike said the loudest he could.
“Say it then, I don’t have all day”
There was only more silence in response.
“I don’t have your time, Jerk-face”
Mike saw Lucy walking his way, and then she shoved him off the way.
He could hear her sobbing.
Repetition of 'stood there' and 'Mike did too' could be constructed better. Maybe a 'and Mike did as well' or 'Mike did the same.' would suffice.
Loudest? I don't think this is the right situation to use that form for the word. How about, "as loud as he could?'
You need some sort of period/ellipses/exclamation mark here after "day"
In the italicized text, I didn't understand the sentence at all. Maybe it's just because it's late and i'm tired but the sentence made no sense.
'Off' should be 'out'
Quote
He just stood there. He wasn’t able to say it.
“No” he thought. “Not this time”.
“Lucy!” He yelled down the road. “Lucy!”
“WHAT” She turned around, with a tired look on her face.
“Lucy... I... You… I’m... I’m sorry” Mike finally said.
Snow kept falling on the street. The snowflakes just kept falling, like nothing had happened.
He finally apologized, and although it didn’t go as planned, it finally happened. They could go back to be friends. It was hard for him to be that harsh to Lucy all that time, but he swallowed his pride, he had finally realized Lucy had done nothing wrong.
Mike heard a weak response.
“Is that all?”
Underlined text: These are thoughts, I recommend putting them in italics or getting rid of the ""
In the bolded text, these two sentences are the exact same just worded differently, get rid of one of them and join the remaining with a comma.
Other than this I like were it's going! I like myself some BCB fan fiction, and I'll go over those future chapters soon. We all start somewhere
(y fracaso = and failure? 
)
You captured it perfectly in this line:We were quiet in awkward silence after that for like ten seconds.
CourseIthinkeveryoneangstsbutSTILL
The redo did help, though.
jackkuro, on 20 February 2012 - 01:39 AM, said:
