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General relationship advice: your concept of romantic love is a Disney-esque joke in the same way that the American Dream is a joke. You might get lucky but odds are overwhelmingly against you and a lasting relationship. Learn to love yourself first since you're the only person with whom you've certainty of spending your entire life.

Well, I've had a similar kind of feeling for this one girl I knew. Sad thing is, only later did I learn that she liked me back. But that's a long story.

Anyway, don't be like me and end up unintentionally screwing something up with this girl, okay? Always be nice, and make sure you don't try too hard. Oh God, don't try too hard. That's the worst thing you can do. People never fucking forget, either.

So no pressure. Just be yourself and good luck.

I suppose I could use some advice. I met a girl that I connect with particularly well, but there have been some I've been particularly attracted to. I don't really try to build relationships because I fear being to obvious about it. A lot of girls I know talk a lot about how nice and smart I am, but I don't get the impression that any of them are interested in me.

So tell me: How much of this stuff am I doing wrong?

Do they play with their hair and twirl it around when they are having a convo with you? How often do these girls "accidentally" run into you and strike up a chat? Some girls are hard to read because they don't make obvious flirtatious approaches.

This post has been edited by Purin: 17 November 2011 - 06:00 AM

They play with my hair sometimes... not often though. And that's only because I have really soft, long hair. Sometimes random people in the hallway touch my hair as they pass by. it's creepy.
As for "accidental" meetings, not at all.

This post has been edited by Boringamus: 17 November 2011 - 06:55 AM

Can you possibly give a little more information about your interacts with them?

Mostly friendly conversations during classes or lunch. A few are more eager to talk to me than others, and I'm typically not the one starting the conversations.
I guess that's about it? I'm pretty bad at starting conversations, but good at continuing them.

This post has been edited by Boringamus: 17 November 2011 - 07:12 AM

Is there a lot of eye contact? Do the girls laugh when they talk to you? Laugh as in they seem to be having fun or enjoying being there. Any subtle hand touches at all? Even something as simple as patting your shoulder.

No physical contact, except for the aforementioned hair touching, which is pretty uncommon.
Lots of laughing, because I make lots of jokes. There's usually I contact when I'm talking to them, not quite as much otherwise.

Do you ever meet up with any off them outside of school? Do any of them ever invite you out to hang out? Alone or with friends.

Also, whether they are actually flirting with you or not, you can not rely on them to make take the first step. I know it is a bit of a sexist stereotype but a lot of the time it is true, men are meant to take the initiative. If you are interested then at the very least try to hang out with them outside of school, at school they are practically forced to be with you, outside it is completely their choice, maybe get a group of friends together so it is less 'date' like, also don't call it a date unless you are pretty sure there is something there.

This post has been edited by matty_batty0: 17 November 2011 - 07:40 AM

Yeah, that's exactly why I think I'm doing something wrong. I don't know whether I'm being too shy or if I've just never met anyone that motivated me enough.
Thanks for the advice by the way.

I don't tend to meet with girls outside of school, but I have met girls outside of school who then began to purposely associate themselves more with me while within school, if that makes sense.

This post has been edited by Boringamus: 17 November 2011 - 07:47 AM

Not necessarily true there Matty. A lot of girls don't expect men to approach us first. Just like we don't expect you to pay for all of our expenses if we ask you out on a date! Although, it's probably good if you make the first move. People in general won't make a move because they're afraid of the unknown response. If you're unsure if someone likes you or not, it's hard for you to make a move because of being unsure if your feelings will be returned. If you're rejected, it's not so bad though. Plenty of other people out there and at least you can say you tried and never have to be that person who always wonders the "what if I had..." thing.

Yes with equality and all that this isn't as true as it used to be, it is still nice though You can't deny that you would be thrilled if a guy you had a crush on asked you out on a date and saved you from having to bring up the courage and put yourself on the line. Besides, people love confidence!

This post has been edited by matty_batty0: 17 November 2011 - 07:45 AM

True. In fact, I was thrilled when the boy I had a crush on asked me out. Girls do like feeling special.

That's good to hear! I would probably ask someone out, but I have some confidence problems stemming from always getting teased about my hair in middle school.
And there ain't no way I'm cuttin' it!

This post has been edited by Boringamus: 17 November 2011 - 07:56 AM

Be confident! If they can't accept you for all your quirks and flaws or haircuts then it's their loss and you didn't need 'em anyhow!

You were teased about your hair? Pfft, who's hair is it drawing all the ladies in now? They be jealous I am wondering now though, what is so special about your hair that you were teased for it?

It was far too lovely! They just couldn't handle the ultra sexiness of his hair. Anyways, I take everything in stride and it works wonderfully for me. Have at me universe for I am ready! Seriously though, just let all insults bounce off of you. Anyone who insults others is usually insecure with themselves.

Gawd this topic is making me not want to be single anymore.

matty_batty0, on 17 November 2011 - 08:01 AM, said:

Long hair and middle schoolers don't mix. They teased me for looking like a girl.

General relationship advice: Settle any arguments you have. Don't leave it to "whatever." From my experience, it doesn't make the problem go away. Even if things seem fine after, it's just waiting to be brought up another time. In addition to whatever you argue about the next time.

Take it with a grain of salt because I'm 16 and the only relationship I've been in is my 3-days-short-of-a-year current one, so I'm not the most experienced person ever. But that's just what I've observed from it.

There's a lot of other things I could say, but yeah.

Lux speaks the truth. That's excellent advice that I could put to use right now actually lol

You should totally throw more advice out Lux.

MintyLimeGreen, on 17 November 2011 - 09:15 PM, said:

O-oh, I--thank you, I didn't actually expect anyone to say that it was good advice. xD;; I expected people to attack it because somehow there's always seems to be something wrong with what I say. :x

Well, another nugget, then: don't force them your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/civil union partner/etc. to talk about their problems. This takes on another dimension since, as their S.O. (you can say that even if you're not married right?), you're supposed to support them and always be there for them. But sometimes, it should just be left to cheering them up.

This is different than an argument--say something went wrong in their life and they really don't want to think about it. Well, you probably should just be there to alleviate the pain. Although optimally problems should be tackled eventually, sometimes it's just better to hug them and make it all go away. If they want to talk about it, leave it to them to bring it up. Or, at the very least, wait until they seem ready.

EDIT: Actually that could also be general friend advice, but like I said, takes on a new dimension considering you're in a relationship.

This post has been edited by Lux Aeterna: 17 November 2011 - 09:48 PM

Lux Aeterna, on 17 November 2011 - 09:37 PM, said:

This is also really good advice. You're pretty good at this, Lux!

This post has been edited by Boringamus: 17 November 2011 - 11:20 PM

Boringamus, on 17 November 2011 - 11:19 PM, said:

Eheh, well, thanks. Believe me when I say I've learned both of those pieces the hard way. The only caveat I give to each piece of advice is everyone is different, and in this field, no rule is absolute. But I think it should work okay for most cases.

I think I'll stop for now because then I'll feel like I'm attention-whoring if I keep giving advice. :x

Hey you're not the one who hogged every other post for most of this page asking for advice!

I can understand the feeling though. And I also understand "the hard way". There's not always people around to give you this kind of advice...

Lux Aeterna, on 17 November 2011 - 09:13 PM, said:

Listen to everything I say because I'm 26.

Jerk, on 18 November 2011 - 01:57 AM, said:

Point taken. I think age is a stupid measure of wisdom, but I was just pretending to agree with everyone else who would likely say "dude you're only 16, what do you know?" So I'm just saying they're right so they don't bring it up.

Age can be a pretty good measure of wisdom if that difference in time was more actively spent. As for me, this is the longest time I've spent single since around 2002. Between 2005 and 2010, I spent a total twelve weeks single. No credentials could be authoritative, but I think I've at least got some degree of empirical knowledge on the subject.

So, more closely related to the time spent in the subject itself? That I can accept.

Since I've only spent just about one year in a relationship, that would make me less credible than you, which I'm fine with.

Relationships are what you and your partner make of it. One thing I've learned through the years is that you never stop learning about each other. Some things are good and others maybe not so good. It makes life interesting and fulfilling.

Iris, on 20 November 2011 - 07:18 PM, said:

Playing off of that: all bad things about them are good things, too, because of a central reason--the melting pot of qualities and quirks are what makes your partner the person who they are; the person you love. Appreciating all aspects to the person is equivalent to appreciating the person as a complete being, instead of just loving virtues--were it the latter, then you're really just loving good qualities, not the person him/herself.

Lux Aeterna, on 20 November 2011 - 07:28 PM, said:

It sounds like you'll have no problem finding a relationship that will last more than a year.

Iris, on 21 November 2011 - 02:10 AM, said:

I can pretty much say that for certain since it's my one year anniversary with my girlfriend--today, in fact. 8D

Lux Aeterna, on 21 November 2011 - 02:11 AM, said:

congrats!

Lux Aeterna, on 17 November 2011 - 09:13 PM, said:

This. This I cannot stress enough. If you want to make the relationship work that means never leaving angry, don't let them sit there and sulk and don't you do it yourself. Suck it up and apologize if you have to even if you think they are the ones in the wrong, but don't go to bed angry at them and stewing in it, that can lead to a lot of regretful decisions

Another tip is never make relationship decisions hastily, don't decide in 5 minutes if you want to date someone or break up with them, 3 days of seriously thinking it over should be the earliest of you even considering making a decision. At that point it should also be brought up that waiting too long can ruin you. Someone will get hurt if you drag your feet to much or you will miss your chance.

Most importantly, don't be afraid to speak up, rejection is a common and normal thing in life, don't let one person turning you down destroy your confidence. And girls, don't be afraid to speak up, guys can be just as scared as you are, don't let the opportunity to let the guy know you like them pass you by. I cannot say this enough considering my push and affirmation helped my current boyfriend ask me out( it was actually all me telling him I liked him that gave him the balls to ask but let's let him think otherwise ).

And always try to get a confirmation that they like you before asking them out if you really are bothered that much by rejection. She doesn't blatantly have to tell you, (but it helps~) but its more than just the little things too. Some girls simply show affections and friendship by touching, I personally snuggled and twiddled with the hands and hair of my guy friends I had no sexual attraction to (of course I severally pulled back now that i'm in a relationship but besides the point. Or just cause they laugh or kid around with you doesn't automatically mean they want in your pants. Some girls are obvious and some are, try to figure out what kind of girl she is and how she interacts with other guys before deciding she must like you cause she laughs at your dumb jokes, she could just be stupid and have no sense of humor.

Tl;dr, Talk it out, Apologize, don't be hasty, don't be afraid to speak up, and if you really are then figure out how the other person flirts before assuming they like you.

idunno. i decided to say fuck relationships. they never got me anywhere. I've lost trust in about everyone i knew. if i would try to have another relationship, i would just want to be understood, and liked who i am. I feel like i'm wasting my time though.

Well, I made the suggestion so I might as well get some use out of it. Got a couple of things to ask. (Yay giant wall of text, why do my posts always end up like this)

So as I've posted before, I have a couple of crushes, although I'm doing my best to focus on one. And I need some serious help on this one, because for the first time out of my last three relationships I'm really at a loss for what to do.

Background stuff:
She's a year or so younger than me (I'm a Junior, she's a Sophomore). Towards the beginning of the year, she used to hug me on-sight. At the bus stop, in the hall, etc. We talked quite a bit whenever we had the chance, we have some similar interests (skiing being the main one), stuff like that. It really seemed like she was into me.
A few weeks ago, she got on the afternoon bus (we take the same bus to and from school, although often at different times because there's two buses one right after the other that pass each other sometimes) and we started chatting. She mentioned how she was excited to go skiing this year, and I remembered that my dad had gotten an extra ticket to the new Warren Miller movie (for those who don't know, it's the biggest, most hype-filled ski/snowboard movie of the year, every year) and told me to find a friend to bring. I offered her the ticket, and she gladly said she would go with me after asking her parents if she was available that day. As it turned out, her parents were dragging her to a play at right about the same time and she couldn't go. No big deal, I guess. It irked me a little but it wasn't the end of the world. She also said that she'd love to go skiing some time, but she has a cross-country (running) race this week and her dad won't let her risk being injured while skiing until it's over, and so December is the earliest she could go with me (therefore Winter Break, since I'd have no time on the weekends to go skiing).
Lately, however, she's become less affectionate. She hasn't hugged me in a while, and doesn't talk to me as much when I'm hanging out with her and her friends during lunch (all of her friends are familiar with me since we're all either in a class together or in the same club). She still says she'd love to go skiing when she gets a chance to though.

Now for the part I need help with.
There's a dance coming up on the third, and I have about 2 or 3 days after school starts back up again to ask her. I know I'll be seeing her on Wednesday and Thursday, and can probably make an effort at seeing her Monday or Tuesday if I want/need the extra insurance. I have no idea how to ask her out though. I could go with a generic "So there's this dance on Friday and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me?" but I have a feeling that won't work. I also have terrible confidence with this sort of thing; the last time I asked a girl out, I ended up failing to actually ask her multiple times before finally writing something on a slip of paper and handing it to her while we were walking in the hall. Tips on how to ask would be very much appreciated.


And now for the second thing.
So as I mentioned on the Drama Survival thread a while ago, my relationship with my latest ex obviously isn't stellar. Nowadays, she talks to me maybe once a month, and I seem to not exist whenever her boyfriend or his brother are around. This is sort of turning into a repeat of my first relationship but for different reasons, and I really don't want it to end like this because she's really a nice, awesome, fun-to-be-around girl. My first girlfriend ended up not talking to me for the last two months of 8th grade (her parents really hated the concept of dating before high-school and forced her to not associate with me), and aside from 2 or so emails we exchanged at the beginning of my freshman year, we haven't talked at all since May of '09 or so, and I really regret having let it end like that.
Her new boyfriend is the generic play-boy type with a twist of general awesome. He started a Humans vs Zombies club at my school (which he used to get closer to my ex while she was still going out with me) and is usually a pretty cool guy, but he can be a complete jerk at times and pretty much everyone knows it. I also know that he had a break-up earlier in the year because he was crushing on my ex, which shows that he's the type of person who'll do that.
The day she broke up with me, I promised I'd be there for her if she ever needed anything (and I keep promises like that), but she's making it more and more difficult for me to do this and when her boyfriend inevitably breaks up with her (or oversteps his boundaries and she breaks up with him) she probably won't look to me for comfort. About a week after she broke up with me, we got to talking quite a bit about what would happen later on, and she said something like "I'm sure we can manage to be friends forever!", but she definitely isn't acting like it and it's really been killing me lately.
I'm completely out of ideas on this one. I've mentioned I'd like to talk to her one-on-one, but she always says "It would be a bit awkward, we need some more time." I can't even approach her while she's with her boyfriend, and she always seems to be with him. Thoughts on what I can do about this?

First thing:
I know this sounds cliche, but be yourself. I have had bad experiences with guys at dances in highschool when they were clearly not being themself because they were just too nervous and not sure what to do. If you are really comfortable with this girl, how you ask will come from you. Why not go with what you suggested in the paragraph? If she says's no, that's that. You'll feel 10X better at least knowing the answer. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes us chicks will begin to get less affectionate when we feel like we have been giving the wrong impression...so that may be the case too. Who know's.....never know til you try .

Second thing: I would just drop her as a friend for now. If it is a genuine friendship, she will come around. I know your going to worry (which is natural), but she can manage herself..she'll be fine.

Meleeman, on 21 November 2011 - 03:26 AM, said:

It takes two people to make a relationship work, either you are not very good with people or you just haven't met the right types of people yet, both can be improved, don't give up. You know what they say, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

@Detta. For your first problem, is this dance a very big event? If heaps of people at the school are going and it is pretty common knowledge that a dance is happening then an upfront approach could be the way to go, just in casual conversation a simple "Hey, do you have anyone to go to the dance with yet?" could do. With everyone trying to find partners people will expect friends to be asking each other out due to necessity of needing partners, I would bet a lot of students will be going as 'just friends' and nothing more, just remember it isn't serious business, don't get all hyped up thinking that you are pouring your heart out to her just for asking her to a dance, it is just a bit of fun and there is no need for major embarrassment if you are turned down

If it is a much smaller event where few people actually know about it then things are a bit trickier, since someone who knows about it and wants to go with someone obviously actually wants someone in particular to go with them, after all if they didn't care about the partner they are taking why would they bother to show up if they can easily get out of it? I am not sure how you could safely approach this without taking a risk and I couldn't give you much advice, if you are good friends then at the very least she will understand and try let you down gently, it isn't as though she is going to run around making fun of you or making you feel bad about it. Just go for it! A life lived in fear is a life half lived! (Cheesy as hell saying but it is totally true).

Your second problem, how to make an awkward friendship no longer awkward? I don't have the slightest idea, been trying for two years now, let me know when you find out.

A question of my own, at the risk of sounding like a creep I am going to go ahead and ask this. Lately I have noticed that I can become a bit 'touchy' when hanging out with close friends (naturally drinks have been had), what I mean is that if a female friend, or just someone I have been getting along with well in the night, were to put an arm around me or something similar then I tend to caress their hand or arm. No idea why I have felt the need to start doing this lately but I am not sure what to think about it, should I make an effort to consciously stop? Am I being a creep? Or romantic?

This post has been edited by matty_batty0: 21 November 2011 - 04:41 PM

@ Detta
You can ask her out to the dance but if she doesn't want to go as a couple or you think she would be more comfortable just going as friends that's fine too. I find it's more fun going to dances with guy friends then going as a date. If it's a success and you both have a good time then you can decide if you want to move it up to the next level. And if she says no, then it's no biggie if you were just going as friends any ways. But yeah, just be yourself and just say, "Hey would you like to go to the dance with me?" Maybe get a big group of people to all go together and stuff for fun. That lets off the pressure that it's a "date" and allows you to have more fun.

As for your second problem, I personally would just let her have her space and when this guy breaks up with her she comes to you let her, if she doesn't you'll be detected enough not to care.

@Matty B It depends on the person you're doing it to whether you're being a creep or not, like I said in my wall of text, I'm naturally included to snuggle or just touch my friends in completely platonic ways. If it seems the girl is getting uncomfortable then back off, but if they put their arm around you then they probably don't mind. But no, I personally wouldn't assume you're being romantic, others would. (I have a pair of friends who made out during a drive in movie cause the guy was a natural cuddler and the girl thought he was coming on to her. Nothing came of it but it was a funny story between our group.) Basically, it depends on the people, some like to be touched, others don't, back off it they start to pull away and such.

General Tip: If you have a sufficient nerdy friends and moderately tolerant parents, having everyone over for a Star Trek or Firefly or Doctor Who or really any show marathon is great fun and really good practice for socializing. If its something like Firefly or Star trek with a lot of episodes, this easily grows into an ongoing thing.

Quaddy, on 22 November 2011 - 02:01 AM, said:

A group of socially ostracized vermin is going to develop social skill by congealing in a basement and sticking to safe, passive activities that involve no risk whatsoever. Do you know what happens when these things graduate from your Happy Fun Time School of Socializing? This and this and this.

http://sonikkutoemi....-CoUpLeZ-closed take advice from this forum

I find it funny that you were posting on ezboard at the same time I was. Though granted, I never posted on a Sonic board.

Oh wow this thread is fantastic.

To the original poster, you considered going out with a girl without knowing basic things such as whether she already has a boyfriend or if she smokes? Shame on you bro.

star adder, on 05 November 2011 - 04:03 AM, said:

guy say to you parents what do you fell for her and say to one day go ALONE with her to cinema (watch romantic film or the type she like)

My last relationship only lasted a month, and the latter half of it was full of drama and BS that was mostly created by my date. I did a lot in that one-month relationship too, such as doing lots of errands for her mother (including fixing various mechanical/electrical problems with her car), buying her food all the time, et cetera. Once one of her old friends that she sought for a long time became single, she cut off contact with me completely and went for him instead. Apparently her excuse was that she was too busy with her three jobs (they were all part-time, and she still found time to spend D&D night with her recently single friend). When I visited her workplace after a week of no contact, she had the nerve to make me spend $70+ on merchandise goods just so she can meet her quota. I bought $30 of stuff but returned it soon after she gave me an attitude. I wonder if returning goods causes employees to lose quota...

Anyways, the last time I talked to my last date was early November. It still irritates me a bit to know that she used me, but at the same time I was also blind and did not see how she was taking advantage of me. I've seen a bunch of my acquaintances going out with the gold-digger types, and I always told myself that I would NEVER allow any of that to happen to ME. Turns out I was full of it and completely wrong.

It has been 15 days in another relationship with this new cute girl that I'm with right now. And yes, we have made the home run a few times, so it's SRS business yo. I might have jumped the gun in this relationship, however. The relationship is rather bland, despite me getting along with my date. Maybe we're spending too much time together, or perhaps I'm having trust issues due to the BS from my last relationship? Whatever the case is, it's not unhealthy in any way, so I'm just going to keep trucking along with my current date.

This post has been edited by AntiChristCreep: 30 December 2011 - 07:02 PM

I would say that you probably aren't looking for the perfect person just yet, and if you are having fun then keep with it. You seem to have very little to no problems with the current relationship so good job I guess.

Glad to hear you are over that previous one too, from your post she seems kinda bitchy.

Nik, on 30 December 2011 - 07:21 PM, said:

No problems whatsoever. She offers to pay for my stuff the vast majority of the time, is really sweet, etc etc.

My previous relationship was a learning experience. I really have to make sure I don't have my guard down in a new relationship.