Bittersweet Candy Bowl Forums

So my elusive pal Layer put together another piece of fiction for you all, and it is upon me to report it. Apparently it has been worked on off-and-on for six months or so.

Not posting the text here as per the site guidelines re: NSFW fiction!

So, instead, read at Fanfiction.net or Adult Fan Fiction. (The Fanfiction.net site is formatted a little nicer.)

This story is one chapter (kind of) but it's about 10,000 words, same as the previous fic "Tangled Paths".

I skimmed it a bit, and uhm, WOW.
That is something else. Guess now I have to just read the whole thing. Tell Layer that he is some helluva fan-fiction author. Because this story is just insane.

---On a side note, I really should learn my curiosity will just rattle my brain to the point where it turns to dust. And yet I look anyways.

---Okay read the whole story. My eyes burn from the sheer fact I couldn't blink. Definitely have to say that Layer is really good at writing. But thinking about the matierial has my face like this

This post has been edited by ThatGuy: 21 December 2011 - 12:32 PM

Well the fact that the author has provoked such a solid reaction is a good indicator that it's a good piece of literature.
No matter what the text.

Real nice nom de plume, Suit

Yeah, uh... I read it all. It's creepy. Unbelievably so. But then you know it's good because it has such a profound effect on the readers!

PS it's better than any shit I've ever done.

Well my reaction wasn't of disgust or disbelief
It was one of absolute hilarity. Could not help myself from laughing! Then my family was asking me what was so funny ahhaha! oh man that was awkward. So insanely ridiculous that I just don't even know why.
Edit: I misspelt 'awkward' before

This post has been edited by skmojo: 21 December 2011 - 01:15 PM

I quite enjoyed this even though I didn't much care for the ending. Bittersweet endings always made me sad.

I'm surprised this was handled as "Sweet" and "Charming" as it was. I was worried it'd be more lecherous and harder to believe, but I think the buildup worked for the most part. Though I DO have a hard time envisioning Abbey being a slave to his hormones. The mental battle helped, and I feel like this was well written enough to allow me to suspend my disbelief enough to accept his hormones beating his morals.

I honestly didn't expect to regard this as touching, but there you have it. Kudos Layer. Wherever you are.

(Incidentally, the line "It was a bittersweet moment for them both" was REALLY cheesy and made me groan haha)

You know what I really hate? Factual errors. Most of the story was confirmed to take place around now, when Molly is 10, so if she gets married roughly thirteen years from now, she should be between 22 and 24, not 25.

Other than that, though, I would say it was disturbingly good, and by the end of the story I barely regretted my compulsive reading at all. Good job, though I would not have finished the story if I didn't have so much trouble not finishing anything I start reading.

That was a very different story. In terms of plot, you certainly took things in an interesting direction. I'm not quite sure if it was good or bad in that respect, but interesting nonetheless. I can say with confidence that it was not at all realistic, nor was it true to the characters in the comic. Of course, to write a plot like this, one does require a bit of leeway, as does any fanfiction; and I will say that I like the "compassionate way" it was composed. I found some of the harsh dialogue to be a bit unrealistic - in an unjustifiable way. I also felt that majority of the things that occurred in the story were mostly ridiculous. I do, however, somewhat like that you slowly eased Abbey into... well, fucking his sister. It would be very hard to make the transition from: "I'm not fucking my sister," to "okay, I'll fuck my sister now."

I should also bring up the ending. The ending seemed very, very amateur to me. It felt like you were done with the story, yet you decided to write damn near another 25% in order to create a "suitable" end. A cliffhanger would have been far better in my opinion.

Looking aside from the plot and characters - two things that are rather difficult to evaluate given the uniqueness of this story - I would like to move on to writing. I know that a person like you is probably annoyed by people beating around the bush, so I will put it bluntly: I could not stand it. It all seemed too amateur to me. I'm not going to sit here and give individual examples (unless you particularly want me to), especially since I gave you some before, but I felt the styling was ridiculous, the pacing was all over the place, and it generally lacks any sort of flow. I will admit the middle part worked a little better than the beginning or the very end, but generally I felt like I was wadding through the majority of the story. If you skim over the story, it looks okay, but if you stop for even a moment and really take into consideration what is around you, it is very nearly appalling.

There was one thing that bothered me more then anything else: the sentence structure. Someone at your level of experience should be able to make proper sentences. You use simple sentence after simple sentence like you were attempting to mimic Ernest Hemingway - and I don't mean this in a good way. Compound sentences are not a bad thing and can do a lot to provide "flow" to a story.

I do appreciate the use of some advanced vocabulary, while managing to keep the story from becoming too padded or wordy. That was a nice touch.

I don't mean to be harsh, but it is simply how I feel.

Meowth, on 22 December 2011 - 06:00 AM, said:

Just like Abbey eased his **** into Molly's *****

Borg Lord, on 21 December 2011 - 10:33 PM, said:

Terrible! I will inform Layer so it may be corrected.

Meowth, I think that you're right that it seems more than a little out of character, and that it did not necessarily have to be that way. But porn stories have to strike a balance between plausibility and providing opportunity for early and dramatic sex scenes, and I think in this case the balance was reasonable. I think it'd be an interesting project to write a story like this so that it would be more plausible, but like most extreme ideas for porn, the set-up required would take many thousands of words.

I find your attitude about the writing so strange and interesting! I can assure you that Layer is not offended by or prejudiced against your critique, but that he finds it bizarre and perhaps indicative of not having widely read anything much at all. I don't think this is a particularly poetic story, but the parts that seem to upset you are so innocuous to me! While I'd understand you saying "I see what you were going for, but the conversational tone doesn't work as I read it", instead you declare it amateur, which makes me think you don't get it at all!

I feel like my earlier critique of your cancer story unwittingly detected a problem in the way you perceive fiction. You don't have a regrettable tendency to allow belaboured, literal, repetitive prose to sneak into your stories -- instead, you hold a belief that this is how you must write to write a proper story!

I wonder if you are even aware of stream-of-consciousness narratives? Almost any contemporary poetry? If you've read much in the first person? If you're familiar with authors who play with voice and rhythm and cadence? I am not trying to belittle you, except that I am making an observation that implies you are not very widely read, which I suppose is a sad thing if you want to write.

I don't think this furry loli incest fic is dense or complex by any means, but when it toys with techniques that repulse you, I can only figure that you disagree with these techniques altogether, not just Layer's clumsy application of them.

The one thing that seems like an entirely valid criticism is what you have to say about the ending. It was written separately from the rest, and I believe it was conceived separately too. I think Layer expected some criticism on that front, because perhaps it does seem out of place and unsatisfactory. However! It appears that few others made the same observation, in fact some said it flowed very well and rounded off the story in a satisfactory way. Layer is more inclined to agree with you than them, on that point.

I'll bear all of that in mind

My reaction to this:



I can never look at Molly the same way again. Now, I have to imagine her as a much older lady.

An incest story...against my better judgement, I checked it out. Surprisingly, it wasn't bad. Just really, really weird.

Abbey is the most out of character I have ever seen him. In no way, shape, or form would he ever...you know what, I won't go on the tangent, because everyone knows what it sounds like. It's a cliche. But basically, yeah, he's out of character. He should've been the adult in the situation with Molly, but he wasn't, and that was a big problem. I can't say too much about Molly, since she's not that apparent in the canon comics, but still, she just doesn't give off the same sort of character here.

I would've wanted to see a prequel chapter, perhaps, of Molly hanging out with her friend Emma and her drunken sister coming into the room and spouting on about sex to them. Though it's not really a complaint, I'm just saying that having something like that could've eased us into this totally incest-filled story.

The ending, at Molly's wedding, feels extremely tacked on and unnecessary. It feels like it's full of empty spots, too, like Abbey's girlfriend and Molly's husband. Nothing of that sort seems to amount to much. It just feels like an excuse to have one last lemon. The beginning is also a little slow and confusing at first. The overall writing just feels weak to me. Meowth already mentioned all that, so I won't repeat anything he said.

I do like the middle part, right about the time Abbey and Molly sleep with each other for the first time. Despite how immoral and fucked up it is, I say that for a couple of confused siblings, it could've been a whole lot worse. At least it was consensual and romantic for them, without a single sign of rape to be seen. Again, though, Abbey could've handled his sister's confusion so much better...It's rather sad that he didn't. The thought of their affair going on for years after word is kind of fucking scary, when you get right down to it.

One good thing I have to say is that the fanfic was pretty long. Even without the tacked on ending, it still would've been rather long. It goes to show that a lot of effort, strong or weak, was put into the story.

Not bad, only being slightly worse than Tangled Paths. I give it a 6/10.

NintendoSegaSonyGuy, on 23 December 2011 - 05:48 PM, said:

I think that is was a very deliberate choice to have the reader be just as surprised and confused by Molly's actions as Abbey is, and furthermore I think it was a good choice. I think that the surprise makes the story more interesting.

NintendoSegaSonyGuy, on 23 December 2011 - 05:48 PM, said:

You forget about Suitcase's favorite kind of rape: statutory.

Wait, Abbey is still a minor... is that rape? Maybe we should blame the parents. But which ones...?

Meowth, on 23 December 2011 - 11:12 PM, said:

Suitcase has a favorite kind of rape? Good to know.

I don't think it would be considered rape. If Molly's ten, wouldn't that mean that Abbey is 15? Or 16, maybe? Anyway, I'd blame the biological parents, especially the dad.

I'm not sure if the prequel chapter would have been strictly necessary. It'd be something to write, sure, but doesn't Molly's implication get the job done more efficiently? You could spend thousands of words writing about what exactly happened to introduce her to the idea of sex, but it'd just be preparatory work for the main affair.

I think most of what I said to Meowth is relevant in response to NintendoSegablahblah's assessment. It surely hurts Layer to hear that the final scene seems tacked on, but I am confident that to describe the opening as "slow and confusing" indicates generally poor taste and can't be taken too seriously. On that same dismissive point, I also think that the fact you talked about the length of the story as an unquestionably positive quality makes me want to cringe, and makes it easier to ignore your opinion generally.

SuitCase, on 24 December 2011 - 02:57 AM, said:

Really setting that bar high.

I liked this story. ^_^
Very well written.

Today i saw daisy abbey and molly pics at the booru, that are ruined for me, just... I can no longer look at them and not remember O.o

yeah, pretty much. i'm sure it will pass, but right now if I see abbey or molly I think of this story. god dammit.

SuitCase, on 24 December 2011 - 02:57 AM, said:

Well, I didn't know how else to describe it. I'm extremely picky about openings. I didn't like the opening in this story, so there.

Then the length issue is very frequently a complaint of mine, Suitcase. I've read some 500 word long fanfic garbage before without any narrative coherence or general drive whatsoever, and it all just sucks. Layer didn't have that problem in this story, so basically my length comment meant that he is FAR more competent when it comes to writing fanfiction than some other people. Hope that sounds better than my previous comment.

Oh, well that's a sensible observation. Your original wording made it sound as if length was a positive alone.