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So, I have these two friends, Alisha and Christopher. They're in a relationship and an unhealthy one at that, in my opinion. Alisha flirted with a few guys not long before dating Christopher and as far as I know, she continued flirting with them after they started dating. I guess they've been going out for almost a year now and she still flirts with other guys. I honestly think she's using poor Christopher and he's too much of a dumbass to realize this. I have a few examples of this.

First example, before they started dating, she conned him into buying her a $600 keyboard. Shortly after that, she asked for a $250 bracelet as a celebratory gift for their going out. And about 2 months after that, she has him take a better paying job in order to save up money for her to study in Germany. Now he goes and tells me he bought her over $700 woth of merchandise from Sephora upon her request for her Christmas present.

There's also the fact that I think she's cheating on him. He says she has a job as a waitress at Olive Garden (She's changed jobs several times over the last month. I find that peculiar.) and has to work til 2 in the morning cleaning up the kitchen. Olive Garden isn't even open that late, let alone having the waitresses cleaning up the kitchen. She apparently doesn't talk to him much anymore either. She says she's too busy with her family to text or call him (They live in different cities. Same state though, only about 40 minutes away from one another.) anymore.

The other thing is, his mother hates Alisha; but Alisha, despite saying she wants to work out their problems, refuses to try. His mother invited her to go out to dinner with her and Christopher, but Alisha refused. She invited her to go see a movie and she also refused. It seems like every turn of the road, Alisha finds an excuse not to work things out with Christopher's mother. This strikes me as being very odd. His mother seems to think Alisha is cheating on him as well.

So basically, I'm torn here. Christopher seems very happy with Alisha and says he loves her very much and she's changed him for the better in many aspects. She made him become vegan (Yes, she made him.) and made him lose weight because she told him he was physically unattractive to her and he lost the weight. While I believe this is good for his health, being vegan and working out more, I find it wrong she's forced these choices on him to better suit her needs. He seems so... happy though. I want to tell him I think she's cheating on him or is at least uninterested in him and using him for materialistic things. Should I tell him how I feel about the whole thing or just let him bask in his new found happiness?

Alisha and Christopher are both friends of mine, so I feel as if I'd be hurting the both of them if I said anything, but at the same time their relationship feels... wrong. Unnatural and forced. Any tips on how I should go about this? Or should I just leave this alone entirely?

The major issue I see here is that it isn't your relationship and it isn't your... problem I guess. What you posted is an incredibly unhealthy relationship that is wrong in more than one way but ultimately it comes down to one thing: Have you been asked for your opinion by either of them? I don't think so.

What I would suggest is, if asked for an opinion or advice on their relationship tell which ever party that is asking all of what you posted. But if not asked, well unfortunately it seems like both people are getting what they want. Christopher is happy in his position and Alisha is happy where she is.

Final point of my eclectic post, are you good friends with Christopher? As he is the one you want to convince to go through with a break up, will he listen to you if you tell him this? If he normally talks to you about these kinds of things then you might be able to bring it up in regular conversation.

Sorry if my post is all over the place and feel free to rip it apart and point out silly stuff I have said.

Well the thing is, I just feel bad sitting by idling and watching. Christopher tells me things all the time about her and it makes me cringe. He seems utterly oblivious to the things he's telling me. We're pretty good friends. Been friends for at least 3 years and we were fairly close before he started dating Alisha. Long story short here, Alisha flipped the hell out on me and accused me of attempting to steal her boyfriend and promptly broke off our friendship and had several of my other friends hate me after she convinced them I was trying to steal her man. In no way did I want Christopher. God he isn't my type at all. Too clingy and feminine for my taste. I didn't flirt with him or anything. She had it lodged in her brain because he used to have a thing for me. Her own insecurities and what not. We're friends again now after a year and a half of not speaking to one another, but it's not the same really.

He brings things up and brings up his insecurities in the relationship, but then he goes around and blames it on himself. I honestly think if she eventually breaks up with him once she's finished using him, he's likely to commit suicide. He's so dependent on her it frightens me. I guess I'm really just worried about what may happen in the future for them and think a parasitic relationship like this should end now before it's too late.

Okay, Now stepping in on people relationships is always hard, No matter what you are always going to be stepping on someones feet...But in a case like this, it really doesn't matter due to the fact that someone is being hurt. I see Alisha as nothing more than a puppet master that is just in for it for the money and what he can do for her. The fact that he is so willing makes it sad and hard to make this a easy fix. I would try going to Christopher before even going to Alisha on this. Tell Chris your points and your worry's about his relationship in a light way, make sure you tell and show the same proof (kind of) that you have here to prove a sound argument. If that dose not work though. Make sure that he knows that he has seen the fact that he has changed diets, jobs, body forum, and other things even if it was the better life choice. I know love is hard...though I have never had it.

The point to be said here is just talk to Chris and tell him about your worry's, As a friend. It kind of sounds like Alisha can be...quite a...not so nice person....He is being used and even if he loves her he should come to see that this is a bad spot for him, if he is just giving her things over and over and she is going off with other people.


I guess going into their relationship could be a really bad idea also....Im not sure.

Oh before I forget, If it doesn't work with Chris, or you just want to talk to Alisha then for her tell her about how you think she is helping him, but hurting him more than she is helping. Also show on this the fact that all of the nice things he has got her and how little time she as spent with him.

Now this can make and break a friendship or two...Chris may open his eyes and dump her, or he may go to Alisha and she may talk him into not talking to you and leave you broke from them two (Vis versa with them both). Just try to be a open minded friend when speaking to ether one of them and show your concern for them, and there well being.

This post has been edited by iRussisch: 28 December 2011 - 05:47 AM

MintyLimeGreen, on 28 December 2011 - 05:46 AM, said:

So this helps a bit. Next time Chris comes to you to talk about his relationship bring up everything you said in this thread. All of it. Explain how you worry about him and his emotional/financial well being and all that jazz. If he isn't convinced by that then you will have to let nature take its course and just be there for him when worst comes to worse.

You won't be able to reason with Alisha, especially since she already had a problem with you before. This time she will react exactly the same and no good will come from it. Be worried that she has expressed her concerns of you stealing him to Chris already, I don't think he would take it to heart but you never know.

I hope this helps, and I am happy to see you being such a caring friend. I know it can be hard when you see friends doing something that isn't good for them and it is awesome you want to help him out.

The only reason I'm so concerned is I was in a fairly abusive relationship once before. We weren't actually dating, but the guy called me his girl and what not. It ended badly and he threatened to kill me. If Kyle hadn't been around, I probably would be in a very bad situation right now. He's the one who got me to see I was in an abusive situation and was utterly blind to it.

I agree with Nik, you should talk to Christopher and explain how you see that Alisha is using him. Explain also that you're too good of a friend to want to see him hurt. After that, though, the rest will be up to him. Just be as supportive as you can.

Murder her

No seriously, you should definitely tell him everything. If he stays with her, you're done. But if she's been embezzling and extorting and being degrading and unfaithful, bite the bullet and tell her. Because in this society, the bullet biting her is against the law.

Radical man to the rescue

((disclaimer: it's late and i'm drowsy and this is the internet so you should probably talk to some of your friends irl in person))

Dr. Klaus, on 28 December 2011 - 07:44 AM, said:

Agreed, if he doesn't know in time, then he'll find it out the hard way.

I've had a brother have a relationship like the one you described. The woman ruined his life, because of her he didn't get his high school diploma untill he was 22 years old, he also lost a tooth doing a asinine job to raise up money for ( excuse my language) what that bitch wanted, he became hated by the rest of my family and his friends except for me, he lost his job, basically became homeless, and was jumped several times by this whores stalkers.
Long story short, that relationship can crash and burn and just end badly. I'd say you need to warn him before it gets worse!

Also, just a quick question: Why do you seek a lot of advice here? I've seen you basically everywheres.

Also, I hope you do what you think is right.

most of the advice in this thread is very solid. i'm not sure I could really add anything without being redundant. I just wish your friend the best. honestly, it sounds like a really shit situation, and she just sounds like a total bitch.

Quote

I ask for advice here, because none of my friends I know in real life know I come here. It'd be best so nothing got back to anybody. I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this in real life anyways. My mother wouldn't understand or just say something hurtful and the only friend I can talk to this about usually stays inherently neutral in situations like this, although he did take my side this time. Sometimes it's good to get advice from unbiased people who aren't relevant to the situation.

Alisha isn't a bad person, per say, but she tends to be very spoiled and childish when she doesn't get her way. Not to mention, since she's gotten a steady boyfriend she's acted like she can do no wrong and she should be worshiped by all our male friends.

Mind you, all these friends are friends from before I moved away, so this makes things very difficult. There's also the fact that all my old friends think the Alisha and Christoper situation as the best thing ever. They literally all think they have a perfect relationship and are perfect for one another because Christopher never tells them the things he tells me. As you can see, I sort of have to ask advice from other people.

This post has been edited by MintyLimeGreen: 28 December 2011 - 08:04 PM

Personally I don't have a problem with people turning to others on the internet for advice. I love helping out others so it is all good for me.

Once again hope it works out, maybe post what happens in the end here? I would like to know if it works out for the better.

I'll post the end result here sometime. I kind of have a sinking feeling it really won't end too well though. Christopher is really oblivious to the whole mess and Alisha has a way of twisting things in her favor by... well... flaunting herself, basically. She gave our friends a bunch of nude photos of herself the first time to sway them in her direction the last time. Maybe as long as I put the idea into Christopher's head though, he'll at least think about it.

Worst case scenario make sure you are there for him when things go belly up, best case he gets out and learns a lesson from it as well.

Just talked to Christopher. Didn't go so hot. He didn't yell at me or anything, but he did say I don't know Alisha well enough to make accusations towards her. Doesn't matter that I knew her long before he did. It basically ended in him saying, "Alisha would never do anything to hurt me because she loves me. It hurts my feelings that you'd think badly of her and that our relationship won't last. Don't tell Alisha what you told me, it'd just upset her and that would really piss me off." so I really can't do a whole lot about that.

I am sorry Minty

Meh, don't be sorry. Thanks for all the advice though, guys. I don't regret telling him how I felt about the situation and it didn't break our friendship as far as I can tell. Even if it did, since he's dated her we haven't been especially close anyhow. I hope she doesn't break his heart though, in the end.

I am sorry to hear Minty, but for what it means I think you did what was right. Just be ready in case anything bad happens and don't bring up your suspicions again. I would suggest you just resume how you acted before bringing this up, he still might need someone to vent to, just don't bring up your worries as all it would do now is drive a wedge between you.

Once again I am sorry to hear this news.

Sounds like a situation where his girlfriend is eventually going to leave him and he's going to deal with massive repercussions.

Oh wow...this is a toughie

well first off your friend alisha seems to be acting kinda bitchy. i think she needs a cold hard reality check. Talk with her about it. If she dosn't get it then you talk too chris. But don't meddle too much, but he deserves to know, but try to level with alisha first and maybe get some more solid evidence to back up your theory if your going to tell chris.

So, not to be off topic but does it happen a lot where people read the first one or two posts then respond to the thread, when the thread itself was resolved just a couple posts further down? Cause it seems to be happening.

I had a friend for five years, and when I told them that I loved them they left. I have not been in contact scene then. I tried calling but the number was changed, I tried emails they went unanswered, and I went so far as to write letters they also went unanswered. Yester day I saw her at the mall I could not bring myself to speak to her, I had given up all hope of seeing her again. I don’t know what to do should I talk to her and if so what could I say. See destroyed my heart what could I possibly say? I still love her I’m just afraid of what she will say. Please please help me I’m lost I have no idea what to do.

So this is one of those only bad news situations. I think you may have come out too strongly by saying you loved her and she did not reciprocate those feelings. If she wanted to take to you she would have found time to do so.

I am sorry to say but I think you should try to get her out of your mind. Focus on something else, perhaps a hobby or hanging out with some other friends more. There are a lot of other things you should do then focus on her.

And I don't think you will get any degree of closure from her, she didn't reciprocate and thought the best option was to cut all ties, kind of a dick move. That is probably the most you will get from her.

Since you have tried contacting her various ways but she has not responded, I would assume that she is not interested in you. Although I would fault her for pretending you didn't exist rather than being forthright and telling you that she wasn't interested in you.

If you really really want closure, then you can talk to her, although I wouldn't recommend it. It would be better for you to move on to other people who would actually be interested in you as a person.

Panic.

Chloroform.

You should stop thinking about her, no matter how strong your feelings are. I think she's not worth it, since she couldn't even talk to you face to face and just left instead.

eniena, on 03 January 2012 - 07:03 PM, said:

Say, have you ever tried

Don't do anything. She's a heartless bitch.

You guys are probably right I never stood a chance. I'm trying to move on I'll let her go as best I can. A piece of me dies at that thought but I hope that one day it my come to life again with the right person.

Good on you friend. Now go learn to spell.

esalaka, on 03 January 2012 - 07:10 PM, said:

Well, yeah? Is it sooo hard? I can tell, it is not easy either but when I see that someone doesn't even want to talk to me despite we used to be friends, why should I still care?

Meh. Talk to her if you really feel like you should. Otherwise, just forget her. She can't be that great of a person if she's outright ignoring her friend for confessing to her.

Unless you've been all creepy stalker mode on her and scared her or something, there's really no reason for her to ignore you.

Also, who ever said you never stood a chance? I don't think anyone said that. Stop assuming.

This post has been edited by MintyLimeGreen: 03 January 2012 - 08:54 PM

eniena, on 03 January 2012 - 08:26 PM, said:

I think Esa was just saying how it's easier said than done to actually try to purposefully forget someone you love.
Because the mind just doesn't work like that, no matter how rational you try and be about it, there will always be little niggles of 'what if' or the most cruelest of all, hope.

Lonesome Rose
Yeah, thats unbelievably sucky, you just have to go through the facts. She is not interested in you, and worst of all, she is being difficult about it. If she were being decent about it, she'd at least talk to you, even if it did end up in idk, screaming of whatever. Unfortunately these things just take time. So hang in there

Luminaria, on 03 January 2012 - 08:58 PM, said:

Umm, I'm sorry then

This post has been edited by eniena: 03 January 2012 - 09:34 PM

The last time I tried not to think of someone I was mostly bothered by the fact that actively trying not to think about something is thinking about it.

This post has been edited by esalaka: 03 January 2012 - 10:14 PM

Think about pizza every time you start to think of her.

Wait, that would probably make you hate pizza. ... Hey that could be a really cool way to trick people into dieting.

Meh. Hearts get broken too easily, so I am a coward. But I don't think she likes you the way you like her.
She might just want a friend.

Quit stalking her, man up and get over it.

I have to agree with what Nik said. Chances of picking up those pieces without accidentally cutting yourself are slim to none. Best just sweep it up and toss it out. Take a bit to relax and distance yourself from her. And don't try to pursue it any further.

Given the context of your post, I'm going to assume that you've been harassing her quite a bit, and then she left you. She doesn't feel the same way, and if she does go out with you out of pure pity, it's only going to make you even more hurt. A good, healthy relationship requires mutual interest between partners.

There are so many more girls out there. Take this as a learning experience, keep making improvements on your game, and move on.

If she tried to separate herself from you, that means she doesn't share your feelings. Disassociate yourself from the girl and forget her.

well, I've been in a situation like this before, and the best way to deal was to just forget about it. I could see it was gong to go nowhere, and after the second or third attempt to talk to her, I just moved on. really, I think the calling and messaging and harassment is what killed it for you. learning that a friend likes you is a big thing, and it takes time to process. if you call and harass, it will compound her freaking out. you really should just have let it blow over with her, Instead of perusing it so strongly.

Speaking from experience, talking to her will likely end up in a shouting match that will leave you both seriously hoarse and bitter. It's never easy to get over someone you've cared about for a long time, but pushing the issue to reconcile will just result in all parties saying mean things in the heat of the moment and a lot more hurt feelings

I waited a week befor first phone call due to embarrassment. Then I sent hera text the next day. After no replies for a few days I e-mailed her. Sent probly 5 or six texts over the next couple weeks. At that point I decided it was hopeless. That left me crushed stayed in bed for about a month tried to callagain but, it said the number was no longer in service. About 2-3 months later couldn't get her off my mind so I wrote her a letter asking if we could just forget about what I said and be friends again. I don't know if that was to much if so then shit.

Doesn't Nevada have any better girl selection out there?

Lots of girls very few of which can be called women. She was so smart, astonishingly beautiful, sparkling blue eyes with just a touch of green in the middle, curly brown hair, and a heart of gold. She was the kindest person you could ever know. If you were going to die and you needed her last pint of blood she wpuld gladly give it. So yes plenty of girls but I have yet to meet someone new.

Text her and tell her you are dying and need a blood transfusion, and that you both are blood type compatible.

I love you Purin. So much.

I second his idea.