Bittersweet Candy Bowl Forums

esalaka, on 07 January 2012 - 01:56 PM, said:

It's the romancingularity.

@Nik: Well that's awkward. IN THAT CASE MINTY DISREGARD WHAT I SAID

I just looked at their problems and vaguely skimmed the other posts and tried to see how I could help. ;;

No prob Lux, the whole thread is probably gonna be messed up for a while, at least until people start actively using it instead of starting their own threads.

Purin, on 07 January 2012 - 12:24 AM, said:

yeah, I've come to understand that being friends with members of the opposite sex, that every one of those guys wanted to date me. It was... very awkward and it broke up the friend group. I made that mistake of dating within the friend group, and hell on a fucking cracker ensued.

MintyLimeGreen, on 07 January 2012 - 12:53 AM, said:

Minty, I know it sounds totally made up, but it really isn't. I have no reason to make this kind of bullshit up... In all honesty, I'd love it if it weren't real. That would be awesome. But, it is my hell. So. Well, I don't purposely flirt with everyone. I've never been like that; I'm actually pretty tomboyish. But yeah, like you said, some of the guys took my normal behaviour as flirting.

Nurematsu, on 07 January 2012 - 01:08 AM, said:

Yeah, Kevin is a douchewaffle. I was tempted to go the college and kick his ass, but then figured that it wasn't worth it. I'm trying to maintain as normal a relationship as I can with everyone else though. I kind of sorted things out with my "sister"; last night we pretty much laid everything out on the table and I told her I wasn't going to think of her differently. She accepted it, and I think we're going to be okay.

Kaxbe, on 07 January 2012 - 01:43 AM, said:

I'm preeeetty sure that's for me. I'm not trying to be In all honesty, I'm really not. I'm just not ready for a relationship, with anyone, yet.

Chris, on 07 January 2012 - 01:57 AM, said:

Haha, my ex (who, ironically is my only friend in this insanity) told me that I must be exerting some kind of crazy pheromone. I actually wouldn't doubt it, either -__- Haha. I don't think I'm stunning. Pretty on occasion, MAYBE. But not stunning. I don't like the attention. At first, it was flattering, but now it's just crazy.

Yeah, I've done some thinking and have figured that I think I need to be clear with every guy I become friends with that we're ONLY friends. Simply as a precautionary, y'know? Maybe I'm not trying to flirt, but it could be that it's just part of my normal behaviour. And no worries, you helped out perfectly :]

Lux Aeterna, on 07 January 2012 - 07:53 AM, said:

Aww, haha. Like I said earlier, I don't think I'm a "damn good catch" or anything like that, lol. I don't even really find myself that attractive. And yeah, I didn't think it was "love". With most of their cases, I knew it was infatuation, unfortunately. It was like, once my bf broke up with me I was swarmed with "love confessions". Totally blindsided. I talked to my "sister" about things and got her to understand that she was being immature, and got her to realize that our 7 years of friendship wasn't going to be wasted, so I think I salvaged that.

Don't worry, you're not insulting me at all. It's totally fine, lol. If anything, I was insulted that THEY threw around the word "love" like they did. That's not something you do; it loses its value and meaning if you do that.

I think what I'm going to do is try to make some new friends, not counting Kellen and my "sister". Kellen understands, and my "sister" does too. The other, unfortunately, won't talk to me anymore so I have to let them go. Thank you so much for your advice and support, it really meant a lot. You really helped.

All of you, you really have helped. You've given me the courage to talk to everyone. I'm enjoying being single for the time being. :]

And wheee, romance has been thrown into one topic. This is confusing! And also drama central. Lol. I was like "where'd my topic go? ;-;" haha.

Ever since I 'rationally' distilled the idea of romantic feelings into products of evolution (through the use of medical and biology knowledge), it's lost a lot of appeal to me. In fact it's something that should earn more respect and caution when being regarded. Yeah I know it feels so right and whatever but that's exactly it. In most cases you're simply riding the hormones for a month or two, then if you don't have anything substantial or you haven't built any sort of meaninglessly relationship then things start to fall apart. People end up 'realizing' they didn't have so much in common after all, or they try to convince themselves the other party has changed in some way. Feelings are hurt, and a needless rift is created. The porcupine's dilemma is something I ponder often.

The ideal girlfriend, in my eyes, is someone I already know well and am comfortable around. But due to human nature those feelings begin to become apparent much sooner than that point, or if they don't manifest they most likely wont. I've had extreme difficulty keeping a close female friend, mostly because I commute to school, but I should at least be able to consistently hang out with one damn girl on occasion, but that's maybe once every week or two, hardly enough time for bonding.

I haven't managed to hold onto a close female friend for more than six months since 9th grade, and I haven't dated since late 10th (for perspective I'm in my second semester sophomore year of college). I've had a couple brief flings at parties and what-not, but those are meaningless encounters in my book. My main problem is proximity I guess, it's difficult for me to make good friends at school because most people commute, and it doesn't make sense in terms of resource management. I have maybe two or three girls in my town I talk to on a semi regular basis, and most of them have a whole other group of friends besides mine, and I can't just (or don't want to) magically make that transition from groups, ditching my friends in the process. I almost had something going with one, but myriad factors cut that future away (although I have since learned she's not my type, good friend, but not my kind of 'companion', although she hasn't exactly turned out to be a 'good friend' after all was said and done).

To be honest, I'm scared. I've rusted, I'm becoming increasingly reclusive, cynical, and alienated from the 'normal' demeanor. I also tend to make the mistake of being too hostile, men are constantly vying for the alphamale position in a group even when they don't realize it. This manifests itself in a group of friends as good natured jabs and jokes, but they always have some sort of aggressive hint to it. I guess habits die hard, I've noticed most women find it harder to tell that I'm just joking, or tend to take offense anyways. I feel like I'm becoming antiquated and the longer I let time slip by the slimmer my chances of getting my game back are.

I keep trapping myself in a feedback loop of self loathing and anxiety with respect to my peers and potential love interests. The fact that I internalize that I'm 'less desirable' changes my demeanor to make that true, it's a self fulfilling prophecy. Nobody wants to hang out with a mopy know-it-all, people fallaciously assume that people they don't know who seem depressed or burdened deserved it (everyone does it, otherwise everytime you saw a sad person you would feel like shit to). But even though I can psychoanalyze these thought processes I can't seem to prevent them (which may have something to do with my ADHD?). I guess I kind of understand how Taeshi feels. Maybe people who are more empathetic tend to judge their self worth by the reactions of others more often. I've always rationalized this by saying that most other's opinions have the same level of circumstantial evidence as any judgment I might make about myself. And in some cases external parties might make an observation (flaw or otherwise) about my character that I may have glossed over. But at the same time this can be dangerous because people don't often think reactions through, or people can be self contradictory (hey just like me), leading me to internalize something harmful, most likely causing cognitive dissonance, which just screws things up further.

I just wish for once in my life I could sit down and have a conversation with a girl that appreciates the abstract and subjective nature of semantics and our opinionated view of the world around us (and have the relationship prosper). Someone who can see and acknowledge my flaws, but at the same time respect the fact that the idea that something is a 'flaw' is an arbitrary abstraction conceived by the human mind's need to create dichotomies. Someone who can, hand in hand, gaze with me into the awesome gaping maw of the depths of the universe's deepest mysteries and not flinch from the crushing existential weight. I want to have a friend/lover that can except the fact that 'hey, yeah, our existence is a meaningless coincidence brought on by the rules of the universe, so everyone should be a lot more humble, but at the same time our arbitrary notions of meaning is a gift that makes us as humans special, we just need to respect the fact that meaning is contrived, not absolute. I don't necessarily want the notion of 'love', I just want care and affection from someone I respect and feel the same about.

I've almost caught (sorry if that word seems distasteful) one or two girls like that, but they turned out to be way to academic for my tastes (as in, studies took priority over everything), and one of them had reclusive emotional problems she refused to share or deal with in any way.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just the girls in my area, or my standards may be too high, but mostly I blame myself. Then again sometimes I think it's just that everyone is fucked in the head and I'm just barely intelligent enough to conceive of our collective stupidity and asinine self pity.

I find myself wishing I could transcend my inhibitions, wishing I could somehow change my innate nature and the fallacies that are so readily hardwired into my neural structure. But I can't, so I continue to fret over fucking absolutely not shit. I keep bouncing from nhilism to critical realism.

Let's see anyone read that wall of fail.

Man

That was beautiful. And sort of sad.

Sounds like the problem there is high standards. The pickings will seem REALLY slim if the ideal partner has a very specific outlook on life. Just accept the fact that nobody is going to fit your "perfect partner" mold and start loosening up. Go out more and look at the bigger picture! Besides, just because you're a sophomore in college doesn't mean you HAVE to have a girlfriend. You're still quite young. Stewing over it will just make you feel more miserable.

How's that?

@CaptainBaconMan: So transforming your standards into laymen's terms, it's a girl who understands that she's insignificant, is intellectually stimulating (but does not possess a one-track mind toward that field), and accepts that life is what you make of it.

I wouldn't necessarily they're high standards, but rather a very obscure niche that is hard to reach.

But...

I want you to take a close look at these words you wrote.

Quote

I hate to be harsh, but... It seems like you're expecting more of your partner than you think that they should expect of you. While a lot of your post was about a very precise kind of person, you yourself hope they'll accept you. You have to do the same. The fact that you're looking so hard for a specific kind of person more or less guarantees failure and disappointment.

This might sound like a really dumb comparison, but romance isn't like Build-a-Bear. You don't create your perfect partner from the get-go, nor will you ever get /exactly/ what you're looking for when you have that many criteria for a girl that is ideal.

I guess in a sense I'm more or less elaborating on what Nurematsu said--that you should open up--not necessarily lower your standards, but allow more kinds of people.

Here's the honest truth. You can try a lot of times in romance and there are times when you will fail, unless you're lucky. Because you know this better than I do--that humans are flawed creatures prone to innumerable mistakes. Trial-and-error is a part of human life, and the sick irony is if you try to see the world in black-and-white, your failure count will sky rocket.

You just have to try and be willing to fail. /Don't/ misinterpret this--I'm not at all saying that you should expect to fail, and I'm not saying that you shouldn't try your utmost if you feel that you have something for someone (assuming there are no circumstances that prevent your chances). Only that if things fall through the cracks, be willing to learn from it and keep going.

It's true. Infatuation precedes love. And it fucks us over sometimes. But we have to wait and see if those feelings change. If they stop, then, well, it's over. If they stay or strengthen, then you know there's something else, and that's when you can work at it.

CaptainBaconMan, your extensive (but impressive) knowledge of psychology is advantageous, but it also seems to have led you to be jaded. This might be really hard, but... when you're in your own relationships, and experiencing them in the moment, try to step back and not to see things so mathematically. Just... feel it. You can think about it on your own time, but don't let your psychoanalytical behavior isolate you from others. I don't know how difficult this could be, but I think it might make life a lot easier for you.

I'm sorry if none of this helped, but just like last time, I tried. (Wow, I always write walls of text on these things...)

esalaka, on 07 January 2012 - 08:34 PM, said:

I aim to please.

Nurematsu, on 07 January 2012 - 11:12 PM, said:

I may have gotten a little greedy in my projection there, but the main point I was trying to get across, the acknowledgment that concepts are contrived phenomenon, isn't a narrow viewpoint. In fact it's very broad, by it's very nature it encompasses the acknowledgment that due to our perception we cannot see or experience the absolute, and that the absolute cannot be contrived by us.

It's a state of mind, an admission of ignorance. I simply want to develop a relationship with someone who doesn't believe their 'intuition' is fucking magical, or at least tries to keep in mind that humans are fallible non perfect beings.

And I may sound dick-ish, but that mindset (or intellectual traits in general) are fairly hard to come by where I live. Yes that's right, I live in the bible belt, and am an atheist. This unbelievably narrows my choices (I might be able to handle with a 'religious' person, as long as they didn't bother me with it, but it would always be nagging me). And just because they don't believe in a deity doesn't guarantee they're nice, or even intelligent for that matter. I don't meet very many people who share my interests either (not many girls are into outdoor activities). But yeah, I was born and raised in a town where %90 of the population believes that every is the way it is because GOD TOTALLY DID IT HUR HUR HUR.

I don't know, I feel like I'm being nit picky, but every time I've tried to let something that bugs me in a relationship slide, it fucking comes back to haunt me. I once dated a girl who, turns out, couldn't conceive the fact that planets orbited the sun, she had absolutely no concept of what gravitational forces are. I haven't dated anyone since. I know I just gave a huge spiel about how meaning is 'meaningless', and honestly, I really don't mind hanging out with people like that (they can still be plenty entertaining). And I know this may be an extreme case, but I can't see myself spending so much time with someone like that if they're not going to understand %80 of the crap that comes a-frothing from my gullet. It sometimes makes me physically sick to my stomach that I realize that (according to the University of Gerogia's disability department) I'm more 'intelligent' than roughly 95% of the population (it varies in each field). And that's with my atrocious scores in sustained attention and impulse control (textbook ADHD combined type). And I really, really, really don't think I'm that smart, I just have a very broad base of knowledge.

It seems my relationships have failed because they've come to realize I'm a lot different than they thought I was (which has been the most common, very few people know the more intimate aspects of my personality). Otherwise it's the opposite (or the same really, it just depends on who caves first), but in most cases it's the fact that when I speak about the things I'm passionate about, all I get is a blank fucking stare. But my biggest problem is that I almost never have anything to do with girls. I friend classic date tropes extremely boring, seeing a movie is a terrible idea for me because I watch the damn movie, that's not what dates are about. The only thing that seems to be remotely successful is a short hike (and by short I mean 4-5 miles, which isn't so short for most people I guess).


But I guess if I quit telling myself these are all the reason I haven't had, don't have, and wont have a girlfriend maybe things wouldn't keep turning out the way they do.

God I have got to SHUT MY FUCKING MOUTH, typing three sentences always turns into three paragraphs.

Lux Aeterna, on 08 January 2012 - 01:01 AM, said:

Actually yeah that pretty much hit the nail on the head for the most part. Not necessarily 'intellectually stimulating' but at least educated enough to have discussions that revolve around ideas and science instead of just people and places.

Quote

Oh I know this, and don't worry, it's almost impossible to actually offend me. I was just spouting my ridiculous fantasy of what my idea of a perfect girlfriend would be like. For someone who talks about trite arbitrary abstractions I sure tend to use them a lot.

I know I need to keep trying, but my main problem at the moment is there literally are no options for me. Any girl I see at school is for maybe a maximum or an hour and forty five minutes (which is nothing when you're trying to get work done), and I don't have time to make new friends during my class breaks. plus the chances of us living even remotely close to each other are highly unlikely (I would probably already know them if they did). But instead of bitching about the practical reasons I have no chance right now I guess I tried to make myself feel better by making it seem like I was choosing to not date, fuck if I know. Fuckin' brain always making shit up.

Quote

That's just the thing though, (and I hope this doesn't sound like I'm trying to blame my problems on a handicap, even though that's exactly what it is) you know how I mentioned a major deficiency in 'impulse control'? This can mean a range of things, from a tendency to blurt things out without thought, or trouble resisting innate desires no matter how much reason tells me THATS A DUMB FUCKING IDEA SAM DONT DOITAHSAKHDFKNCA

But yeah, needless to say I have an addictive personality and have personally combated drug addiction. Right now I'm trying to kick the idiotic habit of smoking but next thing I know I find myself standing outside puffing on peroxides and carcinogens wondering why the fuck I ever liked them in the first place.

Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that it's harder for me to let go of that source of sweet, sweet dopamine than it is for most people (and I'm not trying to belittle how much it sucks to lose that connection, I'm trying to say I really really understand how it feels). And last time it ended in me ruining what was left of the relationship because I kept looping on the things she had told me months before. It took me that to realize I wasn't respecting the fact that things had changed between us.

Quote

Thanks, I appreciate it (more than you think, I don't get paid compliments all that often). And yeah, you may be right. Being a human it really sucks to be part of a minority, especially a distinction that seems so vivid and visceral from my perspective. It may not be the same for others with respect to me, but it's fairly obvious to me that my perspective on life and the universe in general do not mesh very well with my fellow man (especially in the place I live). It's only natural I would feel like shit about this, it's hardwired into our brains to follow the group (thus creating an us vs them distinction). I have a chronic sense of being 'othered' even when people don't treat me as such, because I know they would if they knew how I really thought and felt (I'm not referring to romantic interests, just bible belt denizens).


And that's another problem though, I feel like I step back too much. I jump from a mechanical interpretation of the body and minds operations, to a huge expansive overview of the physical laws that bring about these phenomenon. I go from atoms to cells, to geological formations, to stars, galaxies, and then back to atoms.

I spend so much time picking apart the fact that I have deterministic values and innate reactions that I find it extremely difficult to just sit back and become awash with the now, it almost seems to plain, like a once great magic trick's steps have been laid out before my eyes. It's why I feel the only way I can truly appreciate it is with someone else who understands this in a that mirrors my interpretation.

Alright enough blabbing for now, I'll elaborate further upon more discussion or when asked.

This post has been edited by CaptainBaconMan: 08 January 2012 - 01:54 AM

@Bacon

You're smart. Most people are idiots, and you won't settle for an idiot. That's good. Of course that means you're going to suffer, but hey, if you finally find someone that you can really share and be with, instead on settling for something that will never make you completely happy, that's great.

Tons of people are going through the same desperation you are, and just trying to find other people like them. It's the kind of person you are. You just have to keep looking, trying not to lose yourself in the process. You say you feel scared because you're becoming rusty, more cynical, reclusive, and less "normal", and then you won't be able to find the right person, or if you do, they wouldn't appreciate you because you are too hostile or whatever. I'd say don't worry about it, the kind of person you're looking for won't care for that, they'll see what really is important. I felt exactly like that some time ago, and I think it's just the feeling of loneliness that's blinding you from realizing that you do have a lot to offer, and that the right person will notice and appreciate that.

It seems you really know what you want, and you're willing to fight for it if it comes by. I really hope your chance comes soon, and I'm sure when it comes by, you'll take it and get what you want. My advice would be to try to do what others said: meet more people and open up more (I'm being a hypocrite here because many people told me to do this when I asked them for advice for the exact same issue, and I just continued to be a recluse, but somehow I'm much better now).

So I guess what I'm saying here is, don't worry about it. You have a lot of time ahead of you. You're not getting rusty or cynic or very old, you're just growing up, and feeling yourself grow up. Don't worry, you're not running out of time. And don't worry that the right person won't notice the real you below those layers of perceived cynicism and hostility, they will. Focus in cultivating and growing yourself, that person will come by eventually.

So good luck, and may you find the right person for you soon.

[Trivia: I'm also an atheist surrounded by religious morons. (As in, not morons because they're religious, but because they are religious AND morons). I know what you mean about feeling sick when you talk to someone you think you can consider your equal and realize you might as well be talking to a 6 year old child. It's awful.]

This post has been edited by Itu: 08 January 2012 - 04:19 AM

So, no offence Bacon, but that was a lot to read. Now your problem seems to be primarily that you can't find someone who lives up to your standards, or when you do you find a flaw with them that is too much so you end it. Right? What I also got from that is that people who often fit your criteria are focused on learning and not so much on relationships.

So here is my thoughts on this. The first part: I did read that you are just putting your perfect person out there, and not actually only looking for that one person. That is good, as others have pointed out it is highly unlikely to find someone who would actually cover all of that. It is a good idea to... lower your standards a bit. This also means accepting some flaws that those girls you do go out with have. Sure, dump them if they don't believe in dinosaurs or think the sun revolves around the Earth. But for things lesser than that give it more of a chance.

Second part, I would say you kind of have to choice. The person you are looking for seems like a well learned person. That means inevitably that she will probably value her academics. Are you willing to stick by someone who is awesome if they don't pay that much attention to you? It is possible to have a relationship where you only do relationship stuff some of the time. It could be possible to make up for that stuff by talking more online or something. But that is the point, you just might have to take some hits to be in with your perfect girl.

Tell me if I got any bit horribly off mark, and be sure to point out anything I stupidly overlooked. Hope I helped a bit and didn't just repeat what others said haha

Meleeman, on 07 January 2012 - 04:46 AM, said:

Who are they?
Usualy people who ask this question are being duches
I actualy mean the question though I don't expect and answer.

Chris, on 06 January 2012 - 08:36 PM, said:

This makes me
SO ANGRY
RAAAAAGRAAAA!!!

 `,          ,`
   `,      ,`
  O  `,  ,`  O
 ,,VVVVVVVVVV,, 
(              )
 ''^^^^^^^^^^''

@bacon
Now, I don't fully beleive in what I am about to tell you but it seems like the kind of thing you might beleive in.

Let's say that the sorce of your suffering is you unwillingness to live within the bounds of your chemicaly operated emotional system. Lets say that your suffering is caused by a basic inadaquasy within any thinking ideaology. Lets say that that issue is based in a inability to create a satasfactory ruling on what is and what is not importaint. This would explain why you bounce between critical realism and nhillisim. If all thinking creatures find themselfes either caught in a lie or lost without meaning, doesn't that mean that it is a basic truth of the universe that there is nothing of importaince because the very idea of importaince is a flace idea which people made so that they could feal good about themselfes? And, if importaince is fake, aren't you left to either activly attempt to gain as much "joy" as you can or forsake all joy, pain, and anger in order to find a truth that you will have to essentaly make up? Only two questions actualy matrers here. Do you think that the final truth holds anything you would actualy like to know and does it matter if it somehting you want to hear? Because if you find the answer and it's not what you want, you have no more reason to live. however, that could jsut mean that you haven't found the answer yet.

This post has been edited by Craft aids: 09 January 2012 - 06:52 PM

USE. SPELLCHECK.

Also whatever you tried to say doesn't make any sense. He knows just what he wants.

Chris, on 06 January 2012 - 08:36 PM, said:

Oh, right, the gf who isn't retarded or at least understands how gravity works. That's not to much to ask for though not dating won't help you find a semi-rare person. Really, you gave up after a relationship turned out to be the oposite of what you wanted.

@itu
he was talking about meaninglessness

CaptainBaconMan, on 08 January 2012 - 01:02 AM, said:

Oh WHAT
You do not get to talk about how chemical everything is and then do this, even if it is just something small
no
Or, I guess, you could just choose to revil in your meaningless brain and all it's lies.

He didn't just fall into a depressive void because he lacks meaning, and isn't afraid of questions to find meaning as you pointed out. He feels comfortable without needing a "meaning", it's how his mind works. That's why he can see the world as physical as it is (or as you say, chemical).

I don't see how having an addictive personality goes against that? Most people I know that think like that have such personalities. It's almost a cliché.

Craft aids, on 09 January 2012 - 07:12 PM, said:

Bro, bro, BRO. I don't think you read what I was talking about. I'm saying that literally because of the molecular and chemical makeup of my brain I am biologically pre-disposed to have less self control, do you think I go around my life constantly worrying about whether or not I'm aware enough of my thoughts and actions? Have you tried thinking about what you're thinking about what you're doing? It's almost like I have tourettes except the things I say or do aren't random ticks, they're just things that my frontal lobes have failed to catch and say 'hold on maybe we should spend more time processing this'. I have a very bad tendency to react immediately to stimulus, like when someone is asking a question I'll answer before they're even done speaking. I'm usually not even aware I've done this, but I do get judged for it anyways (it's why every single one of my elementary school teachers hated me). It's very mentally taxing for me to calm down and think things through before I speak (which in turn also makes me say stupid shit, or seem slow). Essentially I either don't think things though, or I over-analyze the FUCK out of them. Yeah my medicine helps, but it is also addictive, and being on what is essentially speed all the time starts to fuck with me and I have to stop taking it for a while.


But yeah, I'm not just tooting my own horn, (or maybe I am I don't really fucking know) I have a detailed ten page write up from three people who's job it is to test for these kinds of disabilities and their causal link to other mental deficiencies. If this wasn't real the government wouldn't be paying for my college and handing me gas money to commute. I don't think you understand that from a chemical level things can be extrapolated into a semi-deterministic view of human behavior, especially when it comes to cognitive disabilities. Not to mention intelligent people are hard wired to seek out novelty (the Savanna-IQ Interaction Hypothesis), this has been used to explain why smart people are more likely to use psychoactive substances than the lesser intelligent populace.

Yeah I admit I still have to man up and crack down on myself, but please don't assume you know what it's like to be in my situation because of a few contrived paragraphs I threw up onto an internet forum. It is possible to be slightly hedonistic while rejecting intrinsic purpose (mostly because brains are wired to think that feeling good is fucking awesome). The human mind is fractured, we contain multitudes of wants, needs, ideas, and beliefs. And in many cases these elements are contradictory. Humans live in the present, and when we recollect something it is reconstructed with the remaining information. Sometimes some of that gets deleted, so the brain usually laces it with newer information (it's why 'omg parents never understand', because they fucking cant anymore). So yeah, I'm totally admitting that everything I've said about myself could be awash in the mirth of my own special brand of romanticism, but you can't discount me just because I mentioned drug addiction. From what I can tell you've never even so much as looked at a controlled substance (good, it's not fucking worth it), so don't assume you know what it's like to be addicted to a physical substance. Addiction is a learning disorder, by it's very nature it is a chemical process.

It may not be so apparent to you because we're talking over a forum on the internet, (apparently, according to the write up) I excel at nonverbal communication and reading/writing. I am a lot less well spoken and articulate in real life, and I'm definitely less reserved (in most cases). Ask anyone on here who used to skype chat with me (I think Taeshi might be the only one who is still regularly on the forum that remembers). I am loud and obnoxious most of the time, I constantly misinterpret the things people say, and my brain is shit at coming up with words at the speed of a regular conversation. But for some reason people like that I have energy, most of the time.

Craft aids, on 09 January 2012 - 06:35 PM, said:

Yes and no, it's true that my rejection of dichotomies cause cognitive dissonance (which makes sense because the human brain is hardwired to see the world in dichotomies), but at the same time (like Itu has stated for me) I am comfortable with the idea that there is no such thing inherit or ineffable 'meaning' or purpose'.

Craft aids, on 09 January 2012 - 06:35 PM, said:

Critical Realism and Nihilism both operate under the assumption that meaning is a contrived invention of the human mind. However CR states that there is an immutable, absolute universe that we can indirectly observe but never fully come to a complete understanding of (which would require us to actually be the entire universe, unless we find a theory of everything). While Nhilism (although there any many interpretations of it) on the other hand simply states that because we are so innately fallible that everything we know is an abstraction and it meaningless to try to prove anything.

But as for the other stuff you've said. Just watch this.



And @Itu

Thanks, I take comfort in your words. And you're probably right, I'm being short sighted while letting my self loathing get the better of me.

And @Nik

I know, I know, but that doesn't mean that my situation doesn't suck, I just have to deal with it until my time comes really. My real fear is that I'll be dealing with it forever.

This post has been edited by CaptainBaconMan: 10 January 2012 - 01:24 AM

Just words of a helpful quality. I tried asking girls out and stuff and it wasn't working. Then after not caring for a bit a girl asked me out. The world is weird Bacon so don't worry too much about that stuff.

This post has been edited by Nik: 09 January 2012 - 11:48 PM

Well, I'm kind of asking for advice to give to a girl that I like.
She's Bi-sexual, and has been going out with this chick for a few weeks now. Recently, she told me that she's falling for someone else. It's causing her to feel guilty, and I believe that she cut her leg because of it(though I might be wrong).
I really have no idea what to tell her. I thought that maybe it's because she's just not happy with her girl, and she thinks this other person is nicer or something, but I didnt want to tell her that because I felt like I was just being selfish. Help?

Tell her the truth: love is fleeting and every scar she leaves on herself makes her that much less attractive.

I like that Jerk, but...I feel that I'm hurting myself if I let her go to someone that makes myself happier. I guess I'll do that anyway.
...wait...

This post has been edited by asdf: 10 January 2012 - 03:49 AM

Tell her that if she really thinks her love for her girl (I don't think it's real love but whatever) has died, she should talk to her and maybe pursue something with the other person, is that's what she really wants.

If not, tell her she shouldn't feel guilty because it's just something that happens, and as long as she's sure she loves her girl she will be okay.

She'll hopefully learn what Jerk said eventually. If she's around your age, I'd guess it's not yet time for that, but what would I know.

Yeah Asdf, make sure that she is upfront with her significant other about this stuff and that she doesn't do anything like a crappy break up. The whole thing is about respect.

And Asdf, if she has decided that she no longer has feelings for the current person then it is pretty much already done. Just make sure she knows that respecting her is still important.

It's just high school romance. Take a step back and detach yourself first and then tell her to detach herself. The only reason you should bother to say that you'd just let a chance with her slip past you is that you don't trust yourself enough to keep her happy, in which case your self esteem is pretty fucking low, or you're too scared to take a risk and be candid with her about how you feel without ending up sounding like a creeper, in which case your self esteem is pretty fucking low. Her actions are literally saying, "This is important enough to me that I would inflict bodily mutilation on myself to distract me." Can you reconcile what she does with what she feels for you? Allow me to answer that: yes, you can, and you can pick your words carefully enough to tell her how you feel without making her feel like a negative response would devastate you.

Alright guys, thanks. I guess I'll get some sleep now, and tell you how it goes tomorrow afternoon...

Hey, if ya'll don't mind, I'd like to ask for some advice. I'm not even whiny or in an unhealthy relationship, this will be new territory for you guys.

I've been with this girl for over 3 years now, she was a friend I made on a small art site when I was younger and we got along ridiculously well. I could spend hours saying why she's amazing but we'll leave it at that. We've had some hard times and bumps in the road here and there but we're pretty sure we're in it for the long haul, we talk for hours every day either on MSN or webcam or phone and almost never run out of things to say. I really, really wanna be with her for a long time, she makes me happy. Problem is, she lived on the other side of the friggen' planet for the first 2 years we became a couple, as she's Chilean. Now she lives in Canada, but it's still 10 hours away from me in Jersey. She has friends in Ontario, and is going to school in Toronto soon, so it'd really hurt her socially to move again after finally making friends (Chile has some cruel people, srsly) and she'd be giving up on a university she really likes. If I moved to her though, I'd be giving up everything I know, my friends and now growing family. Making things even harder, she misses her family terribly and is currently living in very psychologically unhealthy conditions in Canada, and may go back to Chile after she graduates. Ontario might've been doable, but I'd never survive Chile, I barely speak any Spanish and I've tried to learn for her since I met her. We've talked about it a lot, and neither of us wants to make the other suffer, but we can't stand to break up either. I saw her yesterday at the airport in between her flights and even that short time together gave us more hope that things can somehow work out. Any ideas on what to do would be great.

TL:DR- In a loving but long distance relationship, but to be together at least one of us would have to give up their old life. What's your advice for this?


Also, I have believe it or not sorta been in Amaris' shoes, kinda. It wasn't love so much as a bunch of younger girls with infatuation/abandonment/daddy issues that thought of me as a caregiver. The situation got really really bad because I was too timid at the time to put my foot down and hurt someone potentially suicidal. One of them was a 12 year old girl. Shit was fucked up.

Go and meet her a few times while she's in Ontario. Ten hours isn't shit. I used to drive three hundred miles every weekend to meet the girl I loved, and sometimes spontaneously on weekdays. The car ride to my grandmother's house is sixteen hours.

Meet her, spend time with her and, if you both feel the same way about each other, ask her how she'd feel about practical plans for you to take your relationship to the next level. If she doesn't like the idea, either she's not ready or she wants to keep some degree of superficiality to the relationship, in which case you're not actually dealing with love. I have flown, literally, to the opposite side of the planet to test a relationship. There's only one way to know if it's worth it.

Honestly Bourbon, that kind of question is so big, I don't want you to base your final decision on what us people from the internet suggest. Even so I'll give you my two cents of comfort, I think that you're possibly thinking of doing it already by the sounds of it. You put up an argument by saying you're leaving your old life behind if you go but you focused on how you want to be there for her so she doesn't get further away from you. Of course that could also be analyzing bull shit. It's a tough call, how would your friends and family feel? Will you like your new environment that's so far from where you used to live? The difference is that you and this girl genuinely love each other and both believe you can make everything work. And sometimes, it's that belief that does make it work, it gives you conviction to see things through. The pursuit of happiness is one of man's eternal goals. So maybe you should consider whether or not this is your goal, your pursuit. But man, I'm younger than you are, so who knows if anything I've said is best for you? The biggest focus should be that you decide if this is what you want and not something else.

---I think I took too much time talking about what making that decision means rather than how you should handle it, What Jerk posted above me is a great idea. Don't think about anything I said really until you give that a shot. Because I think I sound idiotic enough as it is.

This post has been edited by ThatGuy: 10 January 2012 - 08:47 AM

Sounds tough Bourbon. I know your pain though. Kyle and I were in a long distance relationship for years and had to keep it a secret from our parents. His parents finally found out and even called the cops on me. We went through some difficult shit, to say in the least. We finally got to meet after about 3 years. We spent a week together before he went home. I cried like a baby and was miserable. After nearly 5 years, I decided to give it all up and move to where he was. I left my family (Although most of them were abusive, I had some I actually cared for. I could understand how someone who is close to their family would have a harder time with this.) and my friends. I took a huge risk, but it was well worth it. I'm not telling you to jump right in and move in with her though. I would do what Jerk says. Meet her and spend time with her and if you're both still in love with one another, discuss things thoroughly.

Be forewarned though, long distance relationships seem very glamorous once you meet up together but it's sort of a honeymoon feeling. After a while it wears off and you become more aware of each others flaws. Be ready to love and embrace said flaws of your significant other. Kyle irritates the living hell out of me sometimes, but I'll be damned if I don't love him anyways.

Sometimes you date a girl for a long time and, while you're dating her, she turns into a stupid cunt. Having never dated a man, I assume the reverse is true as well.

One of my high school friends is married and has a kid now. I don't want to tell him that his wife is as ugly as sin.

But God damn it, she is. She looks exactly like John Romero. Yes, your wife looks like a man. I hope your child is a boy because it's going to grow up looking like an ugly dude no matter what.

Well yeah, I know it's up to us in the end, but it doesn't hurt to hear some opinions.

Honestly, I think I would leave my life as it is for her. The thought both excites and terrifies me. This is all I know, I've grown up in a big family (bigger now that I'm an uncle as of a week ago), and even though we don't have much money we're very close. I have some great friends here. I really don't know what it'd even be like to live with just her and know absolutely no one else, and have no help. Still, I feel like I won't grow the fuck up if I don't at least try to leave my comfort zone, and maybe a big jump like this would be a learning experience. Not sure if my family would feel the same way, they have a 'once you're gone, you're gone' policy so there's no going back if I leave, and they'll probably tell me I'm making a mistake. I don't have to worry about it right this minute anyway, she still has years of schooling to do, but it's definitely a concern for the future. We wanna see more of each other, but each road trip to see her for a few days is a good $450 dollars, not exactly an affordable endeavor for an artist.

Really, I just don't want either of us to make a huge sacrifice and then grow to resent the other because of it. If I made her move to the US and be with me, every fight and every bad day will make her remember it's my fault she's there in the first place. If we live together I want it to be on good terms, no guilt.

Plus, and I feel this has some weight to it, she's recently discovered her love of dirty talk and I do NOT wanna let that go to waste. We have all this libido and nowhere to aim it, fuuuuuck.

EDIT: for some reason only That Guy's post showed up before, but I think what I said relatively relates to Jerk and Mint too. I'd like to say after years together we've got a pretty good handle on each others flaws, and we're not afraid to mention them. In a way our flaws compliment each other though, even when we were just friends. Meeting and being together felt very natural, like I'd known her for years (I guess I did, but you get it). I really do feel we'd do well together, and this summer we're gonna spend a few weeks with each other, first in Chile with her family and then Jersey with mine, and see if it's worth it to talk of living arrangements. We're trying to be as mature and reasonable about it as possible.

This post has been edited by Bourbon: 10 January 2012 - 09:05 AM

lmao Jerk what is the relevance of that in this situation? ... John Romero huh? Sounds... awful.

It is both exciting and terrifying, Bourbon. It could be very good or very bad. It's a tough choice, but... I don't know. I'm sure your family would want you to be happy and would support your choice. I knew absolutely no one here when I moved. I was out of place. Hell, I was too fucking scared to do my laundry in the laundry room because I didn't know anyone. I got a job and I'm good friends with a few of my co-workers now. Things have a way of working out. I'm sort of an anti-social bitch, but I managed to make some friends, I'm sure you'd fair better than me! Maybe you could convince her to hit a midway point or something though? I... personally could not move to Chile. I just couldn't do it. More power to you if you can though. Really though, would it be fair for her to force you to move there? I mean, you made the point of feeling guilty for keeping her here, but the same argument can be made the other way around.

I don't know how to help you man. I can't tell if I'm making it better or worse.

Edit: Oh you're both going to try out living in each others respective homes? Sounds like a plan. I would go with that and see how it works out. Fully weigh both options and what not. Keep in mind where the best place would be to raise a family and have work as well. Living conditions and what not.

This post has been edited by MintyLimeGreen: 10 January 2012 - 09:07 AM

Quote

aww yeah

remember the time i gave up my entire family and friends to be with Souppy

tbh the solution is balancing out the advantages and disadvantages of the move. Fact is one of you is going to have to give up a lot, but can that person take it? And can the sacrifice pay off? Are you really so in love you are willing to give that much for this one person? Can you afford to leave your family and friends or can she? How about getting a job? Which is more financially beneficial? Those are the questions you ask yourself.

Souppy and I basically organised our decision to this.

Souppy moving to America would mean:
-Holy fucking hell the international fees for law is incredible and unattainable and we just don't have the money for that at all, basically +$50,000 a semester, and that's not even considering a GOOD university. He would have to try to get a scholarship, or hope his grandfather is really freaken generous.
-His parents are incredibly close as hell and treat him like the golden child and would throw the biggest freakout if he were to leave them. Though on the flipside some of the family members actually can afford to visit him, Souppy comes from a relatively wealthy family and his other relatives are rolling in the dough. Souppy wouldn't really care all that much to leave them, though they wouldn't deal with it very well and ultimately Souppy would miss them a lot and call them regularly and they would really want to keep in contact.
-Opportunities for conventions for BCB, staying with my cool High School friends.
-America is incredibly freaken fascinating to Souppy, with New York just a 45 minute drive away, New York gives Souppy the boners. Bleeding with culture.
-Ha ha ha enjoy your shit health care system and shit economy.
-But hey lots of interesting food and hilarious American television.
-We don't really know what university Souppy is going to, we might not even afford the shittiest university. I was doing one year at Rutgers University not really knowing what to do and pursuing teaching, with a job at Red Lobster. My life was kind of set but not really, Souppy didn't know what Unis he could even apply for.
-My family loves the tar out of Souppy and would treat him with so much adoration. He won't be truly alone.

Lilling moving to Australia would mean:
-Oh wow so International fees is basically the same price a year as a semester back at Rutgers for a citizen. Australia sure is not completely shit with the education system like America is. $15,000 a year for me to go to a really good University for teaching. The year at Rutgers is an easy way to get in, and we can afford to make the money.
-My mother, having also made a similar decision to move away from her family, understands the concept of me leaving for another country, and supports me. My father is very needy, though, and very depressed, but ultimately supports me. My family in general is incredibly close, and I will miss them terribly and feel bad, but at the end of the day I guess I can deal with it better than I figure Souppy's parents would. I come from a family that would go from Ecuador to America, a family that is used to sacrifice. Doesn't make it any less shit, considering I won't have any friends, and I am really scared of Souppy's family which I always feel judge me because I'm an ignorant moron compared to them being intelligent and diligent and hard-working and doing amazing things.
-Souppy knows what university to attend if he stays in Australia, paid for by his grandfather. Sydney University is one of the best Universities in Australia, and at the time they accepted him into study.
-I would have to quit Rutgers, and my job at Red Lobster, and worry about getting a new job at a new country.
-Australia has a pretty jammin' health care system.
-Shitty television though
-Sydney is clean as hell and gorgeous, different from New Jersey.
-We're kind of isolated from the ability to see anyone, America is full of all the online friends we know, all the family we know, attending conventions would be nearly impossible, we would ultimately be the ones to have to make the trip because my family is not well-off and wouldn't be able to afford the ticket. Meaning it's all up to me to see them. Meaning I will barely ever see them.
-NO HISPANIC FOOD HOLY SHIT. OH MY GOD. Not that many hispanics! Nobody to practice spanish with! No relatable culture!
-Souppy's family used to intimidate me and I still feel like the idiot in the group bringing their golden boy down. Aside from Souppy, I am truly alone.

Yeah so basically I had to move.

And it was tough as hell.

But that's what you do for love, so at the end of the day you gotta think practically and emotionally. Can it actually work? It's not just moving, it's seeing if the move will be beneficial to the relationship working out, beneficial to your careers, synchronising goals. It's not very practical to move and then realise there is no opportunities for you, and vice-versa, and I'm sorry but the whole family missing wahh wahh stuff is understandable to a degree, but people move away. It's not very rare. One of you has to buck up or face years an years of being in an internet relationship and just kind of staying in that limbo.

My brother's wife had a much bigger tantrum about leaving her family in New Jersey to move to.. Florida. Of all places. I guess this is why when I hear people all "wahh wahh i'll leave my family to be with this person i don't know if i can take it", I'm like "Yeah get back to me when you have to buy +$2,000 tickets to see them". I mean yeah it sucks, but come on. It's so awkward to stay in the same town forever, the concept of that has always been so bizarre for me. And it's not like family just drops dead forever. There's phonecalls, there's driving back, there's plane tickets. It's all doable at the end of the day. But I guess it's better to see who can make through that better.

So is this forum just filled with Internet relationship people who finally shacked up in the end? Kinda cool.

Haha, I dunno if I'd do much better than you, being a giant scary autistic fuck. I just hide it well enough

Yeah, I get it works both ways, she says she'd never expect me to go all the way to Chile for her, and she knows even moving to Ontario would be taking my family away. The reason I'm more willing to move is she's already moved around the world a lot growing up. When she started living in Chile she didn't even speak Spanish (she was a native Canadian, but pure Chilean. It's a weird but kinda cool story). She's been ostracized for one reason or another pretty much all her life, so moving back to Canada and away from her parents finally helped her find friends, and love school and have real hopes for a future in illustration. I couldn't bare to make her leave the first happy life she's had in a long time, just because I'm scared. Besides, I'm Italian, we're raised to do everything for your woman.

There is a possibility of me going to Fredonia for a degree in sculpture, it's in Buffalo NY so I'd only be about 2 hours away from her campus and could visit much more often. Once my schooling is over it'd be much easier to move in with her in Ontario because I'd have already gotten used to being away from home and two hours further aint shit really. It's a tentative plan, but right now everything is very trial and error.

Edit: Oh wow Taeshi, I had no idea we used to live so close. I almost went to Rutgers but CCM seemed more doable and I really liked the ceramics department. This has no bearing on anything, I just thought it was neat.

I do understand it's a part of growing up, I never thought I'd live here forever. More and more I wanna move, Canada's not a bad way to go, and short of having to learn some slang and getting used to metric/Celsius I should be fine integrating (I just won't let people know I'm American and learn to play hockey, easy fix really). Her parents, especially her father, have money, so if she were to get an apartment with me and we needed a loan I feel he'd be willing to help in the beginning (I'd of course pay this all back in full, they already have one guy mooching off them and I refuse to be another). It's looking pretty good that I'm gonna be the one to go, now my concern is avoiding my one friend who will stab me for treason.

This post has been edited by Bourbon: 10 January 2012 - 09:30 AM

oops, hit the wrong button.

This post has been edited by Bourbon: 10 January 2012 - 09:30 AM

I wish you the best of luck either way.

Thanks, I appeciate it. I just wanted to get some opinions, and I lucked out and heard from a couple people in my situation at one point. Can't complain about that.

Bourbon, on 10 January 2012 - 08:22 AM, said:

That's the hard part altready taken care of.

Bourbon, on 10 January 2012 - 08:22 AM, said:

Are you kidding me? visit her

Bourbon, on 10 January 2012 - 08:22 AM, said:

Move to a third location. It is the only fair thing to do. Congradulations, an entire world of options just arrived for you. Sign the fed-ex man's paper.

A new location would be bad for both, so you would have all of the cons, which is pretty dumb. It may get rid of the possible resentment for giving away your life while the other person doesn't, but it may create new resentment for giving your life for the other person anyway, and that one goes both ways, since both of them are giving away their lives.

So yeah, if one of them has the chance to keep their lives, I'd say only one moving would be the best choice.

EDIT: Didn't give any actual advice here, so yeah, do what Jerk said.

This post has been edited by Itu: 10 January 2012 - 08:58 PM

Moving to a third location is not necessarily a terrible idea, particularly if it's a place where both people can find rewarding careers. Besides, with the mobility of today's society, odds are that Bourbon and his girlfriend will move multiple times in their lives anyway.

Craft, I know you mean well, but let the adults talk.

A third location could work, but yeah, unless we found an amazing place we'd both suffer for it when we didn't have to.

So I would vote Jerks advice as the best. Go with what he said.

That's the thing about having a literal, non-metaphorical, tangible world of choices. There IS something satisfactory somewhere. You would just have to spend a horrific amount of time looking.
Or you could compromise,
or you could do that thing where one of the two of you buckles and you call it compromise,
or you could wait for the iphone 6 to come out and constantly use its universal translator,
or you could ask her what she thinks only to find that she isn't as in love as you are(oww),
or you could take my idea into valid consideration while still being condescending toward me.

Seriously, can't you go find a thread where I have said something stupid and insult me there?

Better yet, let me help you out with that

Guess you should go live in alaska forever! There are so many fish.

I sometimes wonder if this community somehow creates internet relationships
like
out of nowhere

on the other hand
not that it matters

Also you can ask Siri anything right

asdf, on 10 January 2012 - 05:22 AM, said:

FFFFFFFF-
She's feeling fine now...
But I guess I took the pain she felt with me.
I found out that the "other" person she secretly likes is 80% possibly me today....
So, I decided that I'd tell her how I feel, but somehow EVERYFUCKINGBODY knew what I was going to do, and decided to be lerking around us. Friends kept walking by and pulling me to the side saying things like "do it, ask her out". It was terrible, and I couldn't do
it knowing that someone would come out and go "DAWWW NYA~". I mean she has a girlfriend for crying out loud, I wasnt going to be all over her! Also, she just kept saying these random things about how many people she's dated, which gender she likes more, yadayadayada....So...my self-esteem
droped...badly...
Right now, I can't tell wether I even like her anymore. ;~; Or wether I even have the ability to normaly chat with her(just talking about random things) in peace....

This post has been edited by asdf: 10 January 2012 - 09:51 PM

what is even your issue

Read more up this thread.

This post has been edited by asdf: 10 January 2012 - 09:50 PM

No, I mean what is even your issue exactly right now if you don't even know whether or not you like her

I really don't know...I just can't think straight.

Additionally, I thought a happy avatar combined with a rather impolite comment would seem ironic