In class, I was assigned to write something observing a human quality, so I decided to write about how we tend to conform! I'm not pleased with how it turned out, but maybe you'll all like it.
On Conformity
The boy is hunched over in front of a book. He is tall with crimson red hair and freckles like little specks of dust over his pale white face. He wears a tacky yellow rain jacket, even indoors, with its hood pulled up over his head. It earned him the occasional odd look when the school year began, but as the oddity became a given, the looks ceased. I wonder why he wears it. He has it on everywhere too; I should know; I share eight out of ten periods with the boy. Math, Science, Lunch, Gym, English, Spanish, and a free period, each one punctuated by that tacky yellow jacket, like a midsummer’s day, with busy little worker bees buzzing about. Except of course, the jacket doesn’t have black stripes, so it’s not at all like that.
The boy doesn’t have any friends. I know this because he is always alone. Has anyone ever tried approaching him? I don’t know. I have never tried approaching him. But he never speaks during class; the only sound that comes from him is the scritchity- scritchity- scratch of his pencil against his notebook, carefully copying down notes from the blackboard.
He is not like the others; the others who talk with and laugh with and tease each other. No, he is off in his own little world.
What is strangest, however, is that he is always smiling.
Even now, as he flips through page after page of Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, a large, saccharine grin is smeared across his face. What pleasure does he find in being so odd?
I wonder. Could it be that he enjoys being apart from the crowd? The he derives an odd sort of pleasure from being apart from everyone else?
Suddenly, the unexpected happens – he stands up, and walks over towards me. I tense up – what should I do? Why is he coming here? Is he angry at me for staring? It turns out, that the latter is true. He demands “Why are you staring at me?” He is not angry, only curious.
“I was just thinking,” I answer. I figure I may as well be forthcoming, as there is nothing to be gained by holding back the truth. “I was just thinking, why are you so different from everyone else?”
“I just am?” He says, a little put-off. “I mean, how else should I be?”
“I dunno. More like everyone else?”
“Meh,” He responds. “Conformity is overrated.”
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On Conformity
- Lux Aeterna
- Member
I don't know if you want criticism or for us just to read it...
So I'll put the criticism in here...
... and the praise out here.
I suppose the main thing would be that it's an interesting little piece of life. The narrator is just going through life, and idly wonders about that one odd boy with the yellow jacket. I like it--just an everyday encounter that could happen to anyone, as proof that life and the philosophies behind it are all around us.
I also commend you for the fact that your grammar is pretty good from what I've seen (admittedly, I didn't look that hard). So that didn't break the flow.
So I'll put the criticism in here...
Spoiler
... and the praise out here.
I suppose the main thing would be that it's an interesting little piece of life. The narrator is just going through life, and idly wonders about that one odd boy with the yellow jacket. I like it--just an everyday encounter that could happen to anyone, as proof that life and the philosophies behind it are all around us.
I also commend you for the fact that your grammar is pretty good from what I've seen (admittedly, I didn't look that hard). So that didn't break the flow.
- #2
- 17 March 2012 - 01:05 AM
- Lux Aeterna
- Member
I might as well try my hand at this, too. It'll let me practice and maybe it'll explain things better than criticism does. I'm going to change this up a little--gonna write in past tense because I hate doing present, and gonna change it up a little so that it makes a statement on conformity (one of the things I think about it). Also, I'm gonna write in my own style.
Okay, basically I'm writing about the same thing but in a different way, to sum it up.
Something like that. I dunno, I'm actually not pleased with what I just did either.
Okay, basically I'm writing about the same thing but in a different way, to sum it up.
Spoiler
Something like that. I dunno, I'm actually not pleased with what I just did either.
- #5
- 17 March 2012 - 03:07 AM
Man, I've got you guys trained well. There's not much more for me to say, except for the fact that I recommend not double-spacing it unless your teacher requires it: space-filling really doesn't do much for the overall flow of the story, and doesn't actually make it look much bigger.
Your description is strange. The most prominent example is this: "[T]hat tacky yellow jacket, like a midsummer’s day, with busy little worker bees buzzing about. Except of course, the jacket doesn’t have black stripes, so it’s not at all like that." He's one guy, so I wouldn't say "bees." More over, you kind of said "it's just like this, except not really."
I disagree with this. The purpose of simile and metaphor is to provide a descriptive contrast, and this can be achieved in any way the author desires. I'm going to be pedantic and say that the "Bees" idea comes under the umbrella description of the coat as being like a "Midsummer's day", so the plural form really doesn't matter.
Worst of all, though... The entire purpose of this little piece is obscure. Is it that people who conform are doing the wrong thing? Is it that conformity tends to detract people from the joys of life? I understand that it's something about conformity, but what are you trying to say about it? At first I thought it was that the some of the more peculiar people took a perverse pride about being different, but then at the end the kid throws that all away by saying "conformity is overrated," as in, "well conformity is alright and all but I just have more fun being different." Which isn't really much of a statement--it's just one kid deciding not to fit in. I can't really suggest what to do about this because, well, I don't know what you're trying to say.
I disagree even more with this. Surely, as the object of the story, the boy's admittance that he decides not to conform becomes the purpose of the story? I'm not going to get into a debate about specific purpose and device, but I think that the meaning comes across clear enough. But then, I often have to hunt quite hard to get any kind of meaning out of the crap I have to edit as a job, so maybe it's just me.
Lux Aeterna, on 17 March 2012 - 01:05 AM, said:
Your description is strange. The most prominent example is this: "[T]hat tacky yellow jacket, like a midsummer’s day, with busy little worker bees buzzing about. Except of course, the jacket doesn’t have black stripes, so it’s not at all like that." He's one guy, so I wouldn't say "bees." More over, you kind of said "it's just like this, except not really."
I disagree with this. The purpose of simile and metaphor is to provide a descriptive contrast, and this can be achieved in any way the author desires. I'm going to be pedantic and say that the "Bees" idea comes under the umbrella description of the coat as being like a "Midsummer's day", so the plural form really doesn't matter.
Lux Aeterna, on 17 March 2012 - 01:05 AM, said:
Worst of all, though... The entire purpose of this little piece is obscure. Is it that people who conform are doing the wrong thing? Is it that conformity tends to detract people from the joys of life? I understand that it's something about conformity, but what are you trying to say about it? At first I thought it was that the some of the more peculiar people took a perverse pride about being different, but then at the end the kid throws that all away by saying "conformity is overrated," as in, "well conformity is alright and all but I just have more fun being different." Which isn't really much of a statement--it's just one kid deciding not to fit in. I can't really suggest what to do about this because, well, I don't know what you're trying to say.
I disagree even more with this. Surely, as the object of the story, the boy's admittance that he decides not to conform becomes the purpose of the story? I'm not going to get into a debate about specific purpose and device, but I think that the meaning comes across clear enough. But then, I often have to hunt quite hard to get any kind of meaning out of the crap I have to edit as a job, so maybe it's just me.
- #6
- 17 March 2012 - 11:50 AM
- Lux Aeterna
- Member
Aha, excellent... I was waiting for a discussion like this!
Hmm... I can't necessarily say what he did was wrong, I suppose. But I strongly subscribe to the whole "Law of Conservation of Detail" thing. If it is there, it should belong there, rather than just be superfluous description.
Although, looking back... If he was attempting to just further describe this as hard to ignore, then yes, what he did was accurate because he painted it in an even more conspicuous light. So if he was attempting to use the description in such a manner, then I was mistaken for critiquing him. In which case I change myself to the "not bad, but there's something better" stance.
Well, let me just pull this out here...
Smash was assigned to observe a human quality--and the one he chose was conformism. Maybe it's just that his wording has me confused.
If he was just supposed to give an example of conformism and how it takes place, then fine, what he did was right.
But if he was supposed to make a statement about conformism, then he didn't, really. All he did was give an example of an unusual boy who tended not to conform. That's not a statement--it's a simple story. Now, if the context was that it was just a story, then that would be okay--you don't need to say something in fiction for fun. But the problem is he has to, and without changing up his story a little, it doesn't seem to be saying anything greater about conformism.
By the way, what occupation do you have? Teacher? Editor..?
Sammy, on 17 March 2012 - 11:50 AM, said:
I disagree with this. The purpose of simile and metaphor is to provide a descriptive contrast, and this can be achieved in any way the author desires. I'm going to be pedantic and say that the "Bees" idea comes under the umbrella description of the coat as being like a "Midsummer's day", so the plural form really doesn't matter.
Hmm... I can't necessarily say what he did was wrong, I suppose. But I strongly subscribe to the whole "Law of Conservation of Detail" thing. If it is there, it should belong there, rather than just be superfluous description.
Although, looking back... If he was attempting to just further describe this as hard to ignore, then yes, what he did was accurate because he painted it in an even more conspicuous light. So if he was attempting to use the description in such a manner, then I was mistaken for critiquing him. In which case I change myself to the "not bad, but there's something better" stance.
Sammy, on 17 March 2012 - 11:50 AM, said:
I disagree even more with this. Surely, as the object of the story, the boy's admittance that he decides not to conform becomes the purpose of the story? I'm not going to get into a debate about specific purpose and device, but I think that the meaning comes across clear enough. But then, I often have to hunt quite hard to get any kind of meaning out of the crap I have to edit as a job, so maybe it's just me.
Well, let me just pull this out here...
Quote
I was assigned to write something observing a human quality
Smash was assigned to observe a human quality--and the one he chose was conformism. Maybe it's just that his wording has me confused.
If he was just supposed to give an example of conformism and how it takes place, then fine, what he did was right.
But if he was supposed to make a statement about conformism, then he didn't, really. All he did was give an example of an unusual boy who tended not to conform. That's not a statement--it's a simple story. Now, if the context was that it was just a story, then that would be okay--you don't need to say something in fiction for fun. But the problem is he has to, and without changing up his story a little, it doesn't seem to be saying anything greater about conformism.
By the way, what occupation do you have? Teacher? Editor..?
- #7
- 17 March 2012 - 03:21 PM
Lux Aeterna, on 17 March 2012 - 03:21 PM, said:
Quote
I was assigned to write something observing a human quality
Smash was assigned to observe a human quality--and the one he chose was conformism. Maybe it's just that his wording has me confused.
If he was just supposed to give an example of conformism and how it takes place, then fine, what he did was right.
But if he was supposed to make a statement about conformism, then he didn't, really. All he did was give an example of an unusual boy who tended not to conform. That's not a statement--it's a simple story. Now, if the context was that it was just a story, then that would be okay--you don't need to say something in fiction for fun. But the problem is he has to, and without changing up his story a little, it doesn't seem to be saying anything greater about conformism.
By the way, what occupation do you have? Teacher? Editor..?
The purpose of his story is, I think, and I apologise, Smash, if I'm wrong, to highlight how we see those who don't conform as something strange or to be viewed as somehow inferior. The character speaking is a "Conformist"; they see outsiders as strangers, and the boy exists to highlight the narrator's condition. You have to look deeper than the underlined meaning to actually see what a story is about: I would have thought that you would know this, having deigned to criticise his work. And for your reference, I'm a newspaper editor, and a lot of what is written, this being Australia, is bullshit, and quite often racist bullshit.
- #8
- 17 March 2012 - 04:43 PM
- Lux Aeterna
- Member
Sammy, on 17 March 2012 - 04:43 PM, said:
The purpose of his story is, I think, and I apologise, Smash, if I'm wrong, to highlight how we see those who don't conform as something strange or to be viewed as somehow inferior. The character speaking is a "Conformist"; they see outsiders as strangers, and the boy exists to highlight the narrator's condition. You have to look deeper than the underlined meaning to actually see what a story is about: I would have thought that you would know this, having deigned to criticise his work. And for your reference, I'm a newspaper editor, and a lot of what is written, this being Australia, is bullshit, and quite often racist bullshit.
Then, once again, it's the ending that keeps throwing me off. He had done well to outline the theme you present, but the end just seems to go in a completely different direction. If he had wanted to keep his theme as the one you speak of, he shouldn't have written that encounter at all. If he just left it to the description--a juxtaposition of conformity and individuality, I would have been more satisfied.
I wouldn't really say I "deigned" to help him. :x I don't consider him an inferior--just a fellow writer whom I figure could use a few pointers. You, on the other hand, deign to argue with me, who is just a 16 year old who likes to write from time to time. xD;; Comparatively, you are the authoritative source (and this sounded kind of like I was being a suck up but that's not what I meant to do).
- #9
- 17 March 2012 - 05:41 PM
I didn't mean any offense by my former comments: I just mean that you should perhaps look a little deeper next time. And I'm hardly an authoritative source- if you want someone who really knows their shit, try Meowth or Maverik, not that either of them really come on any more.
- #10
- 17 March 2012 - 06:23 PM
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