Bittersweet Candy Bowl Forums

dys4ia

Have you ever wanted to have a glimpse into what it's like to be transgendered through the form of an amusingly silly art game? Do you like pixelated graphics with lots of flashing, vibrant colors, and annoying yet somehow funny sound effects? Well, then Dys4ia (dysphoria, ha ha) is for you!

In this game you will experience the complete and utter bullshit that is the US medical stance on transgenderism, and how butt retarded it is to find stuff that should be easy to locate, such as clinics and endocrinologists.

No but really, as a trans person this game kind of brought me to the brink of tears, because I know one day I too will have to go through all that. I get the liberty of time, hoping that stuff improves in the few short years before then; but let's face it, it probably won't.

This touches on a lot of things that people like us tend to face, and I think it did a good job of relaying it. There's a lot more beyond all this, of course, and the struggle is different for everyone. Still, I guess part four was the one that brought on the most tears for me. I can only hope it's the same for me one day.

Also kinda NSFW

That was certainly... different.

wow, the ending was very touching, and overall it was pretty compelling.

That was actually pretty interesting and different for an art game. I was a bit iffy going into a flash art game but it turned out to be rather good.

This post has been edited by Supah: 28 March 2012 - 02:14 PM

It was surprisingly fun.

Stuff like this reminds me of all the social issues trans people face. Of them all, one of the most important to me is something that wasn't touched upon in this game: and that is those who lose sight of their true selves because they try too hard to be accepted. If a transwoman doesn't act like what society thinks a woman should act like, then people pick on her and say things like "Well, you don't act like a chick, so why do you want to be one?"

Fuck that. This is what causes people so much pain and then they lose sight of who they are in an attempt to become what they are not. I know damn well I'm a woman but I don't act like a pretty Valley girl. I cuss, I'm perverted, I get angry, and if anyone would tell me I'm not a woman because of it, they can go to hell. I am who I am, and I'm a girl that likes all that stuff.

It saddens me that a lot transpeople are forced into being overly masculine or feminine so people will call them as who they identify as without making snide remarks. I'm never going to do that; I'm going to be me, and who I am is not a very feminine woman. I don't really care if anyone doesn't like that, because I'm not going to force myself into something I'm not to make someone else feel better. I shouldn't have to. There's nothing wrong when ciswomen act a little manly or vice versa, so why is it a crime when a transperson does?

This follows similar logic that plagues gay transmen or lesbian transwomen. "If you like dicks/vaginas why don't you just stay female/male?" That's not how it works - you're forcing them to be something they're not. A transman doesn't want to be seen as a woman, he wants to be a man, just as a transwoman wants to be seen as who she really is. So staying how they already are is agony for them, because their body doesn't reflect who they are. It's not fair to force that on them. Is it that hard to wrap your head around a woman liking other women?

All of this stems from the fact people view us as a third gender, or something fucking retarded like 'a man who wants to be a woman' or whatever. And that's incorrect. I'm not a 'man who wants to be a woman', I'm a woman whose body simple doesn't match. So because society views us as this odd third wheel these concepts are hard to grasp, and they honestly shouldn't be. People just don't seem to understand that we don't want to be the opposite sex, we are the gender we identify with.

Interesting game. And what it says makes sense.

I'll be frank--I see you as a woman because you say you're a woman. Because I understand there's a difference between physical sex and mental gender. From my way of understanding you are the mind of a woman unfortunately occupying the body of a man.

But I can't say I really understand what the difference is. Like, I personally wouldn't be able to give you an answer if I told you what it meant to be a boy or a girl. All I know is that I can intrinsically understand that there /is/ a difference and that a person is the gender that they are. I know I'm a guy, but I don't know what makes me a guy.

I don't know if it makes me a horrible person, not actually being able to define what gender is, but I just accept that a person is a man or a woman. I don't try to argue that--if I know what gender I am, then who am I to doubt another to know what gender they are? I personally don't feel it has to be anymore complicated than that, but one might disagree...

That was a pretty interesting little game. I have to say, in some small way at least, I relate. I'm not taking any action on it, but I've never felt comfortable with my gender. But frankly, after reading Susan's post above, I can't say I have that kind of certainty about it. For one, I can see from where I am that it's a hard, long road to walk down, and I don't know how I'd handle people's opinion of me. When it comes to anything sexual, I always have, and almost definitely always will put myself in a very feminine role. That's where it's most noticeable, at least, but It's not the only thing, of course.

But the important part of what I'm saying here is, why don't I do anything? Hell, why don't i ever say anything, even? I'm afraid of how it will affect people's opinions of me, I'm afraid of the inevitable arguments, of something going wrong or me regretting the decision once it's too late. And after reading that, I have to say that fear has only been made worse by the fact that - despite the way I think of myself - I don't have that certainty that I am not really just a male who wants to be female.

As for the game itself, it was pretty well made, made it's point clear, and the last chapter was surprisingly touching... which I never thought I'd say about anything in which you play a level as a pair of breasts...

Edit: I opened this thread hours ago, and just saw Lux's comment. I have to say I agree with what he said. And I wish I knew for sure, because it frustrates me beyond belief not knowing my own mind.

This post has been edited by Voluntas: 29 March 2012 - 03:06 AM

What confused me (and still does to some extent) is that the way "man" and "woman" are used in these contexts is that they are concepts that vary from person to person. This easily becomes too confusing for many people, who'd just rather have "thou art man" and "thou art woman," with bodies and minds unified. Of course, that isn't always how it is, and it's terrible for people stuck in the middle.

Part of the problem is that it's so multifaceted. Sex organs, secondary characteristics, stereotyped personalities, hormones, societal roles, manners of thinking, sexual attractions, all that jazz. It's not hard to see where people get confused.

This post has been edited by Dr. Klaus: 29 March 2012 - 03:12 AM

I liked this game, it worked pretty well for what it was. I liked the feeling of hiding in crowds and being lost in mazes, it seemed to have the right (alienating) effect.

I like what Susan posted about femininity\masculinity standards, too.

This was a well designed game that got it's point across. I liked the simplicity of the art and the music, which helped intensify the touching moments in the game.The themes of alienation and identity were also well thought out. It really makes you challenge t
he way society works when you look at it in the paradigm shift of another.

Edit: Darn it touchscreen!

This post has been edited by Ahsaan: 29 March 2012 - 03:41 AM

That was a really interesting game, if somewhat mind boggling for me. Honestly MtF's always sort of confuse me, but I guess it's more of a jealously factor for me, since they were born with the parts I didn't get and they're trying to get rid of them. But that's besides to point. The point is the game was very nice and offered an informative glimpse into the mind of someone undergoing a transitioning process.

I'm glad I took a moment to play that and read this topic. I honestly didn't know much of a damn thing about what being transgender means. So this has really opened up a new perspective for me. Thanks.

SuitCase, on 29 March 2012 - 03:34 AM, said:

... A little mischievous part of me wanted to point out how close this comes to breaking the no simple "I agree" posts rule... But yes, I am aware that this is slightly different... Although not much really. And no, this is not criticism, this is just me saying something that relates to the fact with these new rules, I think everyone's going to have to be careful. I'm aware it was more than simply stating "I agree"

Sorry. A little off-topic. The reason for the post was to say that considering this is a decision I have wanted to make before, but haven't had the guts, I have serious respect for people like Susan. She isn't afraid to assert herself on this and take that course. Or if she is, then she deals with it and carries on. Something I don't think I could do very well.

This post has been edited by Voluntas: 29 March 2012 - 12:08 PM

nate, on 29 March 2012 - 03:41 AM, said:

Haha, sweetheart, we're just like you - born with the wrong body, and we want to rectify that. You don't have to be jealous of us, Nate! Once Science advances far enough, you and me can swap anytime

Voluntas, on 29 March 2012 - 11:43 AM, said:

Oh no, I'm not afraid to assert myself at all. A lot of trans people don't really generally like it know that they are so, but I don't really care! If it skews someone's interpretation of me, then they really aren't worthy of my attention anyhow. Even after I can start passing I don't see a reason to lie, or hide it away. It's a part of me, after all - and it's shaped me in a lot of different ways.

I'm not ashamed of being trans, or afraid of being ousted. No, if anyone does that then as I said they totally aren't worthy of my time or attentions anyhow. If I have to suffer a little, then so be it. I'm not going to lie about something that makes me who I am. Of course, I will probably punch anyone who says I was lying about being a chick. Fucking idiots.

Voluntas, on 29 March 2012 - 03:04 AM, said:

Yeah, it's a difficult feeling to have. I don't know the extent of how you feel, but hell, the road to surgery and hormones and everything is a very long, hard road, and I've never felt so alone while walking it. I have friends who say they support me but I'm still alone on that road, because they can't help. They won't be able to - they're not trans and won't understand. I could easily just pussy out, though, and be done with it.

However, I won't. I know this is what will bring me joy, and happiness, and I'm willing to work past the trials to get to it. Nothing good ever comes easy, and I'm not about to throw in the towel just because people will get freaked out. They can fuck off - my feelings are the most important, and I know that this will do me good.

I don't know what else to tell you. People discover things about themselves in different ways. When I first got in the internet I pretended to be a girl, but didn't think much about it. It felt natural, and I never questioned it. When it came out I was fibbing and I had a break down saying it always felt normal and made me happy (and from a young age I always did girly things - barbies, polly pockets, playing the damsel in distress at recess because I wanted to), the moment I heard the word 'transgendered' I just knew it fit me. I knew it.

Maybe you're like that too, if you're not comfortable with your gender. Or maybe you just like being a feminine male, or something. These are things that you don't figure out off the bat - they take time to learn. It's frustrating, and I know first hand that it is, but if there's any chance of you finding happiness then you should do it. Forget what everyone else says.

Voluntas, on 29 March 2012 - 03:04 AM, said:

Fuck people. Fuck them, fuck those who would argue with you, and just forget about them. I've told my mom, who was less than supportive, my best friend thinks I'm crazy and my grandma says I need God in my life. But I don't care about any of that, because they can fuck off. I will become a woman and it will happen with or without their approval. No one can force me to be something I'm not, and they won't make me feel bad about it.

It's true that the road I'm walking leads to a lot of emotional turmoil, and were you to set down it as well, it probably would be. But sweetheart, never throw away your happiness for someone else. If you know in your heart that you'd be so much better off, forget what they think. Only you matter. And regardless of how many times they tell you you're crazy or worthless or whatever, ignore them. Know you're a goddamn human being and you're worth so much to the world.

As for certainty, I can say I've been there before. I questioned whether I was gay, or effeminate, or anything like that. Hell, I'm not even too fond of getting a vaginoplasty because I'm comfortable enough with who I am not to have a psychological need for it. And I'm afraid of surgery.

I just know it. I look into the future and I see myself as a housewife, a mother, a schoolteacher maybe, and when it comes to sex I too see myself in a submissive, effeminate position. And I know that, when I look at that, it gives me hope to go on and to achieve that. When my boyfriend tells me he loves me no matter what, it strengthens me. You are who you are, sweetheart. There is no specific size shoe to fit as a woman. You don't have to be a girly girl or anything like that. You are you, and if you're a girl then that's who you are.

It's not right to think of it as a male who wants to be a female. No, no, I'm not male. I know that I am female, and that my body simple doesn't match with that. So I'm just a woman who wants her body brought in like with that image. A woman who recognizes she's in the wrong body. I don't /want/ to be a woman - I am one already. All I need to do is break down the barriers and attempt to actually look like one. Maybe if you think of it like that, it'd help. Because that's what it is.

Susan, on 29 March 2012 - 06:39 PM, said:

Actually... I'm doing exactly that. Every time I sign up to a site I tend to hover over the female tag on gender, wondering if I'm likely to be telling anyone about it and they ask why. On sites like Gaia, or on MMOs I've tried out, I usually play as a female characters. Right now, there are a group of people who believe I'm a female... One or two of which have gotten curious as to what I look like, and I have to remind myself that if they ever see me, it's all over. At one point I thought I'd fallen for one of them, and was actually kind of thankful when they got a girlfriend... And just like you say, it felt natural. I prefer talking to them to pretty much anyone else...

Susan, on 29 March 2012 - 06:39 PM, said:

I've... I guess I'm just too used to living for other people, really. Both my parents are Jehovah's Witnesses (Oh the fun) and I saw how they reacted to my sister when she left. They don't want to push, and I know that if I walk away, they'd ask me not to, but let me go... And somehow, that makes it worse. One of the many things I'm stuck considering is whether the guilt I know I'd feel would spoil it for me or not. It seems when it comes to things like this, empathy can be a curse. I'm just way too sensitive to how other people feel, even when what they feel shouldn't affect me at all

Thinking to the future, I have to say, when I was with my ex, we both joked about how I'd definitely fit the role of a house-husband more than anything, but I guess she was right. And I don't know how much information is too much, but it's not so much that in sexual matters I see myself in a submissive role (although I do) it's more the fact that... Well. Let's just put it this way. Any fantasies I may have, even if they do start out with me being male, soon become me imagining myself as a female. And frankly, although both of them have the, uhh, desired effect, I always slip into the female fantasy. Not of doing one, but being one...

... and the more I type, the more I wonder why I doubt myself so much :\

this game sucks

Voluntas, on 29 March 2012 - 09:14 PM, said:

It started for me when I was about 12. At that time, in video games, I'd always pick a female character were applicable. I played a game called Think-Tanks, and signed up on their forums as a little girl. Then, following that was a game called Blockland, which is basically an online Lego game. I stayed there until I was about fifteen - it was a miserable place. Unless you were a token female your gender was questioned, and even then they still demanded pictures. I felt it was time for me to leave. I was dating a member of the forums at that time, who was under the impression that I was biologically female.

He introduced me to this place, and eventually with a little help from SuitCase I came to terms with who I was. Since then, things have just gotten better. I'm far more comfortable now that I don't have to lie, and sure, some friends I had were upset. They thought I lied to them about being a woman, when in reality I was the same person. I hadn't lied, either. I am female. I lost a few, but some stayed with me. And we're great friends.

You need to ask yourself something, sweetie. They refer to you as a woman, and your avatar is a woman. Does that make you feel good? Better? Happy, or comfortable? The internet is a great tool for trans people, because not only can you pick a character who matches your gender identity in a lot of games, but there is no physical barrier. You're exposed to how a person is and only their personality.

Voluntas, on 29 March 2012 - 09:14 PM, said:

Honey, you have to make tough choices in life. That's just a fact of reality. You can't have everything without a price; people can forget happy memories. We're sure capable of forgetting sad memories, you know? Do you really want to sacrifice you, and your happiness, for your parents? Think of it; you have sixty plus years left on this planet. Can you live like that, of a gender you really don't feel comfortable with? Being called 'he', or anything like that? My dad's a die-hard Christian, and my Mom doesn't believe in God. She wasn't supportive at first, but I talked to her. I told her that even without her consent it would still happen. Yet I also said I didn't want any bad blood between us. This is my choice, and I asked her to support me in it. To love me as her daughter. She cried. I just feel bad it took her being near death to resolve things.

You need a healthy balance of empathy and self-concern. One thing you should not do as a human being is sacrifice yourself, your wants, and your needs completely just to please everyone else. I did that a long time ago, and it was horrible. I denied who I was, I hated the LBGT community and deemed them freaks. It was just denial everywhere; yet every time I'd play Barbies with Ashley across the street, I'd feel so at home. You can't let fear dictate who you are, sweetheart. If you want to be who you are, nothing should stop you. And even if it doesn't go over well, know that you have friends here, and that you definitely have a friend in me. I know what it's like. None of us have to suffer alone.

Voluntas, on 29 March 2012 - 09:14 PM, said:

It was similar to me at a young age. No matter how I tried to imagine myself in a masculine position during intercourse, it'd always morph into some man holding me close to him and whispering sweet things to me. It made me feel weird, and ashamed, and disgusted. I'm a better person for it now.

Look, hon, I can talk all day but it comes down to what you think is better for you. This isn't something you find out in a day - hell, I've been trans for two years and I still barely know myself completely. But as it stands I am so much happier now than I was previously, and the internet is my safe haven where people accept me for who I am.

Not knowing your gender and being confused is a horrible thing, but if you feel that you are indeed a woman, then power to you. It's something that is hard to understand. A lot of transwomen don't figure it out or recognize it until late in their life, when so many years had already been wasted to misery. I was lucky, I figured it out as a child. I only hope that if it's the same for you, you aren't too far along.

There are a lot of us out there, and you don't have to feel alone. No matter how many stupid videos say the same thing, it's true - it does get better. Pursue your happiness, and don't let anyone get in the way. You shouldn't have to hide who you are to make other people feel better. That's not fair to you in the slightest.

how do i change weapons

That was certainly an interesting game, even if I don't think it changed anything about how I think about transgendered people. On an intellectual level, I already knew that it sucked to not only feel you are stuck in the wrong body, but also be different in such a way that it is socially acceptable for others to explicitly reject who you are; on an emotional level it's almost certainly impossible for me to ever understand at all, as I don't seem to even have a gender identity one way or the other and I certainly hope American society doesn't become less accepting, which would preclude my becoming somebody who can be openly discriminated against without repercussion. I can only hope that the general trend towards greater social liberalism continues and that one day, everybody has to at least pretend to accept everybody else. It would be a start.

That said, I'm not sure if it's even possible for things to become truly pleasant for transgendered people who have not had a sex change operation short of removing every gender division from American society and the English language (although that probably would be beneficial). The vast majority of people who look male will want to be called "sir" and will go into the men's bathroom and such things, and no amount of social liberalism will stop people from guessing the most likely possibility when they meet strangers.

Has anyone else played Lesbian Spider Queens of Mars?

I heard an interview with Anna on NPR yesterday, and with some other team that made a game about depression. It was really good, but it kind of degenerated into a 'games are art too' discussion, which I've heard a billion times. I found out she's coming out with a book soon called
Rise of the Videogame Zinesters: How Freaks, Normals, Amateurs, Artists, Dreamers, Drop-outs, Queers, Housewives, and People Like You Are Taking Back an Art Form. Which is an amazing title, but I probably wont get it.