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Writer's Block- HELP!!!

Alright, well, I'm kind of stuck on this book I'm writing. I started it a year ago, and I've gotten NOWHERE. I just don't know what to put next, I guess. And I'll be honest- sometimes I write very Englishman-y. And this book is an adult one, although I'm just a teen. But I do write maturely in my serious work. Comments and constructive criticism very much apprectiated. If ya don't like it though, go ahead and say it it to my face. :smirk: Well, yeah.... on with the story!


The Search for Jenevive

The rain runs down my cheeks, blending in with the tears from my aqua blue eyes. My long, golden hair was tangled and soaked with rain water.
“Let me out!” I scream hoarsely, banging at the wooden door with all my strength. I had been in here for what, maybe two, three days? My once-delicate hands were now rough, torn, bloody messes, and my face, arms, and legs were dirty with soot.
“Shut up, kid!” yells a rough voice; the guard stationed at my door.
I curl up into a miserable ball in a thankfully dry corner of my feebly lit and mostly damp cell. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do? I close my eyes, flashing back to the day when all the trouble started.
“Jenevive, wake up!” My eyes flickered open, and Milo, the young sorcerer of the castle, was in my face. His forehead was wrinkled in worry, and his eyes showed just how horrified he was. “We must leave immediately, Princess.” he whispered urgently.
I scrambled out of bed, still in my nightgown, and thundered down the dark, stony, oddly sticky stairs with Milo. We turned the corner, and I screamed. Charging at us, fully armed and yelling, were two fat knights. What worried me the most was the fact that neither was a part of the league that protected us, the royal family. Milo pushed me behind him, and mumbled something, waving his hands mysteriously. In a matter of seconds, a majestic, fiery griffin appeared.
I was horror-stricken, but Milo whispered, “This is just an illusion; don’t worry, it can’t and won’t hurt you.”
The two knights screamed, and ran away. But another knight pushed them back. “It’s an illusion, you fools.” he sneered.
I could only see his eyes, but they were cold, icy, heartless blue eyes. He calmly walked towards Milo, and unsheathed his sword. The zing as he pulled it out promised certain death for one, perhaps both, of us. In one quick movement, he kneeled, and thrust his sword into Milo’s stomach as if he was nothing at all; what I saw was the red point of the weapon come through his back. The knight coolly slid his sword out, and walked away. Milo grunted, his hands at his stomach. He fell to his knees, bleeding horribly, then to his back, and soon his chest rised no more.
I backed away, too traumatized to speak. Two rough and sweaty hands clamped mine behind my back, and I felt a sharp metallic object caress the back of my neck, sending a chill throughout my spine. Someone tied a strip of cloth around my mouth, so my screams were muffled. As I looked around fearfully, I saw everyone that I knew who were included in this small ambush were dead. I suddenly felt a terrible pain on the back of my head, and I saw… Red. Blinding white. Black.
And now here I am, with no one for company. Oh Jesus Christ, what have I done to deserve this? Please, answer my plea. Guide me towards the light. Since I have done all I can for now, I will rest my tired body. But my soul might never be at peace. I lie down/curl up, and fall asleep, now used to the rough, cold ground and the squeaks and scratches of sly, cunning rats, eager for my flesh and blood, running around in the shadows.

The Next Day
They give me no record of what day it is, nor the time. I hear a struggle outside. I curl up in the corner, hoping it is someone who wants to help me escape. I hear grunts, shouts, and the sound of metal against metal. I feel sticky wetness near my feet, and in horror, I discover it is blood!
Suddenly, the sounds stop, all but heavy breathing and the sound of swords being sheathed. I curl up tighter as I hear keys jingle and the lock clicking as someone opens the heavy oak door.
“Princess?” calls a gentle voice, and I dare to look up. Three young men are in the door way, their bodies blocking the light. One takes a step towards me, and I flinch.
“I have a book, I know how to use it, and I’m not afraid to use it,” I say in a shaky voice, holding up the one and only weapon I’d foolishly grabbed in my haste to follow Milo, thinking I could do damage with a mere pile of binding glue and paper.
The one nearest towards me holds up a lantern, and I see a smile on his face. He bites his lip as to keep himself from laughing, and holds out a gloved hand. “Your Highness, we are not here to hurt you. We are here to help you,” he says, his calm voice soothing.
I raise an eyebrow. “Then identify yourselves, Sirs,” I say cheekily, holding my hands back.
He holds the lantern higher, so I can see his face. He has soft and gentle brown eyes, round baby cheeks, and light brown hair.
“Sir Perceval?” I breathe. The young squire I had played with, and used to kinda have a crush on, as a child. I think I still do like him as more than a friend… How could’ve I forgotten him?
His delicate lips turn up into a smile. “Aye, Your Highness. Now will you take my hand so we can leave?”
I smile softly, and take his hand, letting myself be gently pulled up. “Who else is here?” I ask curiously.
He walks me out of the cell, and I see a tall, muscular young man with shoulder-length raven-black hair, a stern but gentle look on his face, black eyes, and a welcoming smile; Lancelot, another old friend. The other was… well, someone who’d tried to court me as a young girl. He was pudgy and short, with dark brown eyes and light brown wavy ear-length hair; Gawain.
“Sir Lancelot!” I say in surprise. I have the urge to hug him, but as a princess, that is sadly prohibited, so I walk up to him, and hold my hand out to shake. As he does, I whisper so only he could hear, “If I could, I would hug you.”
He laughs, and says in a jolly voice, “It’s so good to see you again!”
I also laugh, and then turn to Gawain. I clear my throat, and curtsy. “Hello, Sir Gawain.” I say politely.
He hides a frown of disappointment, and bows at the waist. “Hello, Your Highness,” he replies in the same tone, a hint of coldness in his voice.
Perceval clears his throat uncomfortably, eager to keep the peace. “Well, we should get going,” he says, and gestures to four horses and a grey donkey, the latter loaded with supplies.
I nod, and mount a bay stallion, riding side saddle. I pretend to be interested in the horse’s legs. Sir Perceval rides up next to me, and I raise my head to smile a small smile. He cocks his head in question, but says nothing, and falls back to talk with the other knights. Soon we come upon a tavern, and a stable-boy bows at the waist as he sees me.
I smile, and dismount, handing the bridle to him. “Thank you. May I ask what your name is?” I say in a friendly voice.
June 29
I finally know what day it is today. I wake up to the sound of metal against metal; the knights were practicing. I decide to show them a few of my moves. So I quickly eat my breakfast, change into a normal white dress, and noisily clamber downstairs.
“Good morning, sirs.” I said as I walked out. My hair shone in the sunlight, and I took a deep breath of the fresh air. A light breeze stirred my hair up slightly.
“Good morning, Princess,” say the three in unison, and they sheath their swords and bow.
I smile. “May I join you?”
Sir Gawain laughs. “Dear Princess, you would be better off deciding what to wear.”
Sir Lancelot and Sir Perceval glare at him. “If the Princess would like to, then by God I say let her.” says Sir Lancelot. Perceval nods in agreement.
I grin, and pick up a short sword, good for one or two hands, the handle crested with rubies… my birthstone. I swing it through the air a couple of times.
Gawain chuckles. “Careful, Princess. You might break a nail.”
My cheeks flush with anger. “I’m a different kind of princess, Sir.” I say, and take a step forward, kick his head with my foot, and he hits the ground. I put the tip of the sword lightly against his chest,. “Careful, Sir. You might break your neck,” I say, imitating his tone of voice.
Gawain’s mouth dropped open in pure shock and amazement. Lancelot and Perceval did the same.

Alright, I admit, the ending is a little unrealistic, and I feel noobish and amateurish reading it again. Plus, I know that I suddenly ended at the part when she dismounted. I just kind of got stumped there. Well, thanks for reading this horrible preview of the book (honestly, I doubt I'll ever get it published. I read authors take years just to finish one book. They begin it, then stop, then years later they find it in the back of a closet or in an old folder and end up finishing it). So, yeah... bye.
  • #1

You welcome criticism? Let's test that.

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The rain runs down my cheeks, blending in with the tears from my aqua blue eyes. My long, golden hair was tangled and soaked with rain water.

No. You've chosen an unusual combination: first person perspective and present tense. Because that supposedly means this person was already experiencing action, and they wouldn't just suddenly reflect on their appearance. Saying "blending in with the tears from my eyes" works just fine.

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My once-delicate hands were

@Bold: Are. It's all present tense--don't just change it.

Also, this description is a little better. You're establishing the pain the character has been through without being overly analytic about it.

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“Shut up, kid!” yells a rough voice; the guard stationed at my door.

You could use a colon instead of a semicolon. But that'd be awkward. So would using a period. Why not just say "'Shut up, kid!' yells the rough voice of the guard stationed at my door"?

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flashing back to the day when all the trouble started.

Try to be a bit more clear so that your readers know it's a flashback. I mean, flashback suffices, but for all we know the character could be thinking about it and we don't get to see it. I suggest using "***" (no quotes) to break from the current time/view... or what I do, put memories and dreams in italics.

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“Jenevive, wake up!”

Oh! I thought we were looking at the perspective of some buff action hero, but I guess this makes more sense. That's not a criticism, just felt like pointing that out.

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Milo pushed me behind him, and mumbled something, waving his hands mysteriously.

No comma after "him." Also, "mysteriously" is probably the wrong word. I'm pretty sure you're trying to convey that Jenevive has no idea what he's doing, so you should probably say something more like "and to my confusion, he began waving his hands frantically."

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I could only see his eyes, but they were cold, icy, heartless blue eyes.

I don't know if I can call this a legitimate criticism, but I'd suggest against characterizing generic, nameless characters. Plus, his attitude is enough of an indication of his malice.

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and soon his chest rised no more.

@Bold: Rose.

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I lie down/curl up

Were you feeling lazy or trying to avoid being too verbose? Either way, "I lie down and curl up" is better.

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I curl up in the corner, hoping it is someone who wants to help me escape.

... That kind of doesn't make sense. "Oh! A hero to rescue me? Here, let me get into the fetal position because of how excited I am!" It would make a lot more sense for her to get near the door and listen.

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“I have a book, I know how to use it, and I’m not afraid to use it,” I say in a shaky voice

That's a questionable choice of characterization. Are you trying to make your character full out damsel-in-distress/comic relief? I don't think someone would say that unless they were one of the two.

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his calm voice soothing.

Redundant.

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I raise an eyebrow. “Then identify yourselves, Sirs,” I say cheekily, holding my hands back.

What? She was terrified of possible assailants and when she learns that they are there to help her, she starts giving them verbal abuse? Is she bipolar or..?

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The young squire I had played with, and used to kinda have a crush on, as a child. I think I still do like him as more than a friend… How could’ve I forgotten him?

I guess I can say you have author's license to use modern dialect in a medieval setting, but you're quickly making Jenevive just sound like a generic princess who can't take care of herself or distinguish a book from a sword.

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“Who else is here?” I ask curiously.

I'll mention this kind of comment once: don't make description of dialogue unless you find it clarifies or if the conversation is becoming /really/ rote without some description. It's clear that she's curious, otherwise she wouldn't ask.

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The other was

@Bold: Is. Present tense, again.

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My hair shone in the sunlight, and I took a deep breath of the fresh air. A light breeze stirred my hair up slightly.

@Bold: "Shine," "take," and "stirs," respectively. Also, how does she know that her hair is shining in the sunlight?

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Gawain chuckles. “Careful, Princess. You might break a nail.”
My cheeks flush with anger. “I’m a different kind of princess, Sir.”

Gawain is right, though. I've seen no evidence to the contrary.

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I say, and take a step forward, kick his head with my foot, and he hits the ground. I put the tip of the sword lightly against his chest,.

Wait, what? Just how much time has passed so that she becomes a competent fighter? Then again, maybe she was just helpless back then because she had no weapon. I give you the benefit of the doubt.

... Okay, there are other little grammar errors but I think neither you nor I would care for me to nitpick to that extent. So let's get to judging the story as a whole.

I don't like Jenevive's character. It's not a full criticism per se--I just think she's a bitch, since she treats her protectors in such a cocky manner. She's also kind of useless, since she cowers in the face of real danger. But I will criticize is the lack of consistency in her character itself: Milo dies, and three days later, as soon as she's rescued she's all aces and she's flirting with the knights. And that's basically... immediately after she was sobbing over her capture.

Speaking of which, who captured her? Did you just do that just because? I mean, it doesn't even seem as though the knights even worried about the fact that there were people in the castle who were trying to kill her, they just went to rescue her from... Who, exactly? And why did it take them so long to get to her? Surely they would have realized quickly that the princess was captured.

This story has a crippling flaw: it's a collage of loosely related plot points that do not form a coherent story. There is no clear main plot-line, and the two you opened up [the boy at the stable (I know you mentioned this one) and the attack of the knights] were left pretty much unresolved. The only genre I can think of off the top of my head where such a maneuver would be forgivable is a "slice of life" story, and it's clear enough that this is not that.

Look, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but you need to ask yourself a few questions before you continue. Answer them here, if you want me to help out, I guess.

-What are you trying to accomplish with Jenevive's character? A damsel-in-distress, a battle girl, something else? That's not clear, yet.
-Who are the people who captured her? What will the characters do about this?
-What is the background behind all this? You gave us a character and some knights, but not really any context. This is more forgivable since you haven't written that much yet.

Perhaps most importantly...
-Why are you writing this story and what for? That's not saying "ugh, this is shit," but I'm hoping that you had some inspiration or some idea of where to take this. Because if your only thought was "I'm going to write about the adventures of a princess and some knights!" then this story will most likely go nowhere. If you want to write something that people will really want to pick up, it's generally not as easy as just picking up a pen or putting fingers to a keyboard and saying "let's write something!" Take it from me--the idea has to... "compost" in your mind. You have to have the story flesh out a little before you put it into paper.

Look, I'm not saying you suck or that you should stop writing. All I'm asking is that you take a step back and re-examine this story.

EDIT: That awkward moment when your critique is longer than the story.

This post has been edited by Lux Aeterna: 21 April 2012 - 09:07 PM

  • #2

Thanks SO much for the criticism! The criticism's helping me a lot, and as I read your reply, I quickly realized you were right about most things. I think this is kind of a dead story now.

Q1- She's kind of bipolar, and really unpredictable and immature. So yeah, I'm not sure about that.
Q2- I was going to reveal that later on in the story, if i ever get to finishing it.
Q3- There, I'm lost. Now I agree with you that it's a dud.
Q4- Same as number 3. I just sat down in front of the computer and typed word after word. I felt like it was going to be such a good book, but now that I look back, it's just a fail.

Again, thanks for the criticism.
  • #3

At least you took my criticism well, unlike another person who posted here and totally flipped out.

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Q1- She's kind of bipolar, and really unpredictable and immature. So yeah, I'm not sure about that.

Interesting. Does that mean the knights don't like her and they're just being kind due to her royal lineage/her looks?

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Q2- I was going to reveal that later on in the story, if i ever get to finishing it.

Under normal circumstances, that might work, but how much later is June 29th after when she was rescued? She seems perfectly happy and brings no mention to the incident.

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Q3- There, I'm lost. Now I agree with you that it's a dud.
Q4- Same as number 3. I just sat down in front of the computer and typed word after word. I felt like it was going to be such a good book, but now that I look back, it's just a fail.

Hey whoa whoa--I didn't say it was a dud, I'm just saying if you don't plan things out, then yes, it'll go nowhere. The story is salvageable. But there is nothing to salvage if there is nothing planned. But yeah. If you think you can take this somewhere, then go for it. Just at the moment, it's better to step back and plan. You have a lot of room for it to go anywhere and everywhere, because you've just started and haven't established much.

To elaborate a bit on my own experiences (I guess, just to drive the point home), allow me to describe my first moderately successful attempt at writing a story. This was back in '09, when I was a freshman. There was this online girl that I had strong feelings for, and since she was online and I had limited time, there was little that I could give her. So I thought "hey, I can write her something!" I wrote a fanfic for "Baccano!" set in (then) present day. Typed out approximately 5,000 words in the five days I had and yes, I finished it. I gave it to her and she loved it.

Why? Obviously not because it was good--it wasn't good at all. I just wrote it for her and that's what made her happy. The story only had a basic plot, and I had planned for it to become a trilogy because I was inspired. Except... It would never go anywhere. I wanted it to be a trilogy, but I had no friggin' idea where it would go. It was just a short little thing with a bare bones plot and nothing special to it. I had nothing planned, so nothing followed. Eventually I lost interest and now I barely even remember what it was about.

Case in point, you really want to have most things planned out before you start, to be sure. Or, at the very least, have a beginning and an end--that way at least all you have to do is figure out how to get from point A to point B.
  • #4

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