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Faulkner and Tammy both had their own gangs. Tammy's group was something like the "Umbrella Code," with about ten girls in it, including her, and they had no boys (They were going to go with "The Star," but then they realized it was fucking gay. Faulkner's group, however was about fifteen boys and no girls. They didn't didn't really have a name, so when people talked about them, they were referred to as Faulkes, because they followed Faulkner.

Those two groups knew about each other, quite a bit, because after all, they were both in a way the opposite of each other. The Umbrellas were known for their volunteering work at pretty much everywhere and their love for bosnian/love music. They were all pretty emotional, sad one day and happy the next, but they volunteered nevertheless.

Faulkner's group was known for their tendency to take things to far. For instance, there was a bully at their school who did something extremely horrible, what they would do was frame them for possessing child porn and marijuana. The bully got expelled the very next day. They went to extremes, and they did not like The Umbrellas, for "they were always on their period."

And so, the tension between them was constantly growing. The umbrellas didn't mind slapping and kicking the boys, mostly because they were girls. The Faulkes didn't mind slapping back, mostly because their tempers were high, but also because they didn't mind getting suspended, or even expelled. Faulkner and Tammy hadn't actually met in person; they just heard about each other from their members.
One day, however, one of the girls from the Umbrella decided to lure them both into a classroom and lock the door for an hour. Why? Perhaps because that girl was Faulkner's cousin and Tammy's right hand girl.

Criticize Me.

This post has been edited by falconboy99: 24 June 2012 - 04:31 AM

falconboy99, on 06 June 2012 - 11:04 PM, said:

Anything I used strike-through on is superfluous and should be removed. Anything inside of brackets [] needs to be added. Everything here is optional, but anything with asterisk at the end is less important.

¹: You used too many qualifiers. You typically want to avoid them. Obviously, they can be useful for setting a specific tone or describing something; you've just got to be careful with how and how often you use them. A good way to practice is to remove any that aren't absolutely needed. I know, it sounds boring, but when you get good at it, your writing will become quick and streamlined, without sacrificing the beauty and verbosity that any writer -- that isn't Ernest Hemingway -- aims for.

²: That was a very jarring phrase. In fact, there was a moment I didn't even think this was a serious attempt at a story because of it, and I'm still skeptical. Little tip: don't use curse words in the narrative sections. It is fine to have them in dialogue, but in narrative just avoid them. Yes, I'm sure they've been used by amazing writers, I'm sure you -- in specific -- may have a reason to use them; but for now, just avoid them. And I may seem like a hypocrite for saying that, since if you've read anything by me, you know breaking the rules is one my favorite things; but writing is a lot like jazz music: it is great to break the rules, but it's important -- if not necessary -- to know what rules you're breaking. Jazz..
Oh, you also forgot to put an ending right parentheses.

falconboy99, on 06 June 2012 - 11:04 PM, said:

³: It is frowned upon to use slashes in that context. In fact, slashes are usually to be avoided unless you're writing a technical document. Once again, there are exceptions to the rule; but in my personal opinion, this is not one of them.

⁴: I think a colon would work better than a comma there, because a colon expands upon and continues a thought, as opposed to just continuing it.

⁵: That is a very odd sentence. It implies that emotional/bipolar people don't normally volunteer. I somehow doubt the validity of this; but in reality, the validity doesn't matter. It is a pointless implication that bears no weight toward the story. I would remove that second clause, unless you were trying to state/imply something completely different.

falconboy99, on 06 June 2012 - 11:04 PM, said:

⁶: That is a very weird sentence. You start off by stating that they went to extremes, which is a continuation of the previous thought involving them taking things too far. You then include connect those two independent clauses with a comma and start a completely different though. This thought has to do with them disliking The Umbrellas. You then take this second independent clause and add on a dependent clause that has an explanation done via a quotation of someone speaking in the past-tense. Granted, speaking in the past tense isn't impossible, but it seems a bit... off?

falconboy99, on 06 June 2012 - 11:04 PM, said:

⁷: Fascinating... So you're saying their reasoning for attacking the boys was because they were girls? That seems oddly vague and out-of-touch with reality. Now, if this is particular for your story, ignore my second critique; and if you plan on explaining this later, ignore the first.

⁸: That entire sentence seems to just come out of nowhere. You should try and lead into it or at least start a new paragraph for it.

They didn't mind hitting and slapping them for what the boys did since,
1. They considered what the boys did was bad
2. They couldn't get in trouble for what they did.

But I guess I do have to elaborate more on that.
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They were all pretty emotional, sad one day and happy the next, but they volunteered nevertheless.

Would it be better if I said,
They were all pretty emotional, sad one day and happy the next, but they volunteered no matter what they felt. Their dedication is odd, but that's a completely different story.
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I was originally supposed to write
"We were going to go with "The Star," but then most of us girls realized it was fucking gay."
I forget why I changed it.
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That's all I really have to say, and I agree with your other comments. I really want to write more. Thanks for helping.

And I hope you don't mind......

This post has been edited by falconboy99: 07 June 2012 - 03:46 AM

falconboy99, on 07 June 2012 - 03:46 AM, said:

Be careful with tenses. They can be a real pain sometimes.

¹: While I definitely feel the improved sentence is much better, I should say you certainly have an interesting last sentence. It isn't exactly "bad" or "wrong," but it is debatable. Mainly because it highly depends on the tone of the story. If you plan on having a laid back, casual tone, then I would say it is fine, but if you have a stricter narration, it wouldn't work. I should also ask: is that sentence really needed? You should always ask yourself if a sentence really contributes to the plot or the characters. Is the oddity of the behavior important enough that you need to point it out? I mean, you did say it is a story for a different time. I'm sure if this somehow contribute later in the story it is fine, but if you plan on using this as nothing but a passing phrase, it might be a better to remove it all together. From my perspective, that sentence can only be one of two things: foreshadowing or superfluous!

falconboy99, on 07 June 2012 - 03:46 AM, said:

It looks to me like that was some sort of dialogue; which, of course, would have been fine.

falconboy99, on 07 June 2012 - 03:46 AM, said:

It's no problem.

And no, I don't mind.

Meowth handled the grammar in full, so let me just comment on your story in general... Actually, my questions are a bit about logic, too.

All of the questions I raised are based on the premise that these children are around 12-14. Keep that in mind.

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They're girls. I don't see how that could be a worry... And it's not like "The Umbrella Code" is any manlier.

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I don't know, if they're so emotionally invested in everything, wouldn't it make more sense that they volunteer?

... And wait, a "gang" volunteers? Why?

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That's one hell of a trick to pull off. How the heck did they manage? Especially when they're that age, I don't know how they could have possibly managed to fool the school board.

Then again, I can kind of forgive this one, assuming you're just using it as an example to show how crazy the Faulkes are, rather than injecting realism.

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Why are they so willing to throw their lives away? Getting expelled isn't one of those occasions where you're just like "Whoops lawlz I got expelled." I can think of a couple of reasons, such as them being poor and not seeing much of a future for themselves anyway, but you should at least introduce a reason before making them look so eager to throw away their future.

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... But that's not a reason. Is she attempting to make them get along for the sake of stopping this pseudo-gang war? Or is she a diehard romantic who thinks it would be "soooo totally awesome for those two to hook up, omg."

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I might be missing something here, but... how do you look two people /inside/ a classroom?

Yeah, in the end it was all logic, but at the moment your short story is short enough that it'd be wrong to start criticizing the story itself, yes.

And...

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I LOVE YOU. <3 THANK YOU FOR PUTTING THAT THERE.

This post has been edited by Lux Aeterna: 09 June 2012 - 03:52 PM

I should have put in "gangs" instead of gangs.
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I'm not injecting realism with the cp and marijuana.
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"Why? Perhaps because that girl was Faulkner's cousin and Tammy's right hand girl."

so what if

"She happened to be Faulkner's cousin and Tammy's right hand girl."
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"One day, however, one of the girls from the Umbrella decided to lure them both into a classroom and lock the door for an hour."

Their smartass english teacher had his classroom designed like that for pranks. I should add a story for why.

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I don't dislike criticism.

This post has been edited by falconboy99: 10 June 2012 - 01:56 AM

falconboy99, on 10 June 2012 - 01:55 AM, said:

Fair enough. Just make it clear that they're not legitimate gangs.

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So you're simply attempting to show their extremes, as I stated before?

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So long as you're not trying to offer her relation to Faulkner and Tammy, there's no issue. So yes, this edit would be preferable.

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You should. I'd recommend putting it right before. To the tune of something like...

One day, a girl who just happened to be both Faulkner's cousin and Tammy's right-hand girl decided that the two of them should meet. It didn't seem likely that either party would willingly consent to the meeting. But luckily for her, their English teacher had an affinity for pranks. As such, he had installed a mechanism in the classroom door that allowed one to lock the door from the outside. So she lured both Faulkner and Tammy in and locked them in for an hour.

But then another logic issue arises. How was the English teacher allowed to install such a mechanism? That could be a severe safety violation. If, say, an arsonist came into the building, they could lock everyone in the classroom in and force them to either... burn in an inferno or have them jump out of a window. And if they're on the second floor, or worse, the third, then they'd be SOL.

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It's the fact that you asked for the criticism. Because some people act like I killed their family when I criticize them. But you made it clear that you wanted it.

I might lampshade the logic issue. And then bring that back later on.
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And yeah, i'm showing their extremes.
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I want criticism. I need it.

Pertaining to the logic issue--is your story meant to be a comedy? Because if it's meant to be serious (I have to little to go off of at this point to tell either way), then doing things such as "lampshading" kind of just subverts the seriousness of the situation.

But if it's a comedy, then, there isn't nearly as much logic needed, due to the "Rule of Funny" (just make sure it's funny enough that people won't care about the lack of logic).

Pertaining to the criticism comment: pretty much everyone needs criticism, but not everyone seems to want it. I'm fine with people not wanting it--I just wish they'd say so (if they didn't) so it would save me time.