Bittersweet Candy Bowl Forums

Chapter. 1
BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ! Click
"Stupid alarm clock"
Mike was tired, he had been texting Sandy all night.
"Crap I have school in an hour!"
Mike grabbed his blue scarf and ran to the kitchen.
"Good to see your finally awake honey"
Mikes mom was making bacon and eggs, and Haley was sitting at the table eating.
"Hey sleepyhead texting your imaginary girlfriend all night?" Haley asked.
"Sandy's real Haley you remember her visit 2 months ago." Mike replied
"I know, I'm just joking bro."
"Sure Haley."
Mike grabbed a plate of bacon and eggs and sat down.
"Do you cuddle that scarf when you sleep?" Haley asked
"Shut up!" Mike said sharply
"Haley stop teasing your brother" Mikes mom said trying to stop the two from having a war of words.
"Fine mom" Haley said
"Thank you!" Mike said
Mike quickly ate, brushed his teeth and headed off to school.
I wonder how Sandy's doing, she sounded upset last night. Mike thought
Mikie!!!!!!!
Daisy came running up and hugged Mike, Abbey close behind her heavily breathing.
"Mike, you have no idea how fast Daisy ran when she saw you" Abbey said
Daisy walked over to Abbey kissed him on the cheek and held his hand.
"Abbey you know I love you" Daisy said with that cute face of hers.
"I know Daisy, I know" Abbey said
"Um....guys can we continue to school?" Mike asked
Abbey and Daisy looked at Mike with blushing faces.
"Ya we should" Abbey said
"Hey wait up!!!!!"
Paulo and David came running up.
"Don't forget us, do you even care about us?" David said sadly
"Of course we care about you Davie" Daisy said
"Paulo...." Abbey said with clenched fists.
"Fruitcake!" Paulo said with a grin.
"Lets just continue too school" Daisy said while getting in between the two.
"Fine" They both said
"Hey Jerks!"
Lucy came running up
"Hey babe"
"Shut it Paulo"
"Hey Lucy" Mike said
"Hey Mike" Lucy replied. Mike and Lucy became friends again soon after Sandy's visit. Mike regretted everything he said to Lucy earlier.
"How's Sandy?" Lucy asked
"Ya hows your imaginary girlfriend Mike?" Paulo said
"We've been texting each other a lot lately, and Paulo"
Mike took out his phone and selected a picture of Sandy and showed it to Paulo.
"I forgot she looks like that" Paulo said while gocking at the photo.
"Ya" Mike said and he put his phone away into the secret pocket in his scarf.
"Hey guys, not too be rude but we have 5 minutes to get too school" Abbey said
"OH CRAP!" Mike said
The group sprinted the rest of the way too school.

Chapter. 2
Man we were just able too make it on time. Mike thought
He was sitting in english class even though it was the last class before lunch he couldn't stop thinking of how lucky they were to make it to school on time.
"Mikie did you get your english report done?" Daisy asked
"Ya I think I did a god job" Mike replied
"Me too Mikie"
Lani walked into the room
"Ok class today we are reading our oral reports to the class" Lani said
Great, I forgot it was a oral report. Mike thought
"Phillip would you like to go first?" Lani asked
"Sure" Phillip replied
As Phillip walked to the front of the class Mike began to day dream about Sandy
I wonder if she'll visit soon.....She's been so stressed and upset lately.......I just want to hug her tight and wash her troubles away......Ya just us together......we could go out to dinner....ya.....
"Mike?"
"W-wha?" Mike said snapping out of his day dream
"Its your turn to read your report" Lani said
"Oh ok"
Mike walked up too the front of the class and began to read his report.
"The book I chose too read was Percy Jackson: The last Olympian The lighting Thief......
Mike eventually finished his report and sat down.
BBBBRRRIIINNNNGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Ok class you are dismissed too lunch" Lani said
The class began too get up and leave but Mike sat there for a minute thinking before getting up.
He eventually got up and went too lunch.

To be continued
I chose a great place to stop for now didn't I? What a great cliffhanger.....What will Mike have for lunch????????
Anyway I'll update it on Sunday.

Erm... This fiction isn't exactly the best I've seen. For one thing, everything is way, WAY too brief. We need some ideas on what is happening around the characters, and make the chapters a lot longer. Not to mention there are multiple punctuation and spelling errors. The overall idea of the story is decent, but the problem is the execution of the story itself. I believe you have a good amount of potential, but you just have to put a lot more work and thought into it.

First off, we need much, MUCH more detail. According to MS word, this only peaks at around 800 words, which just feels way too short and rushed to gain the reader's interest. If you're a beginner, I suggest at least aiming for a goal of at least 1500-2000. Sensory details are a MUST. Don't just tell us what Mike does. Tell us what he sees, hears, feels, tastes even. Details like that are what truly immerses the reader in the story, and what will ultimately decide the quality of a story. A good concept needs good execution, and vice versa.

Try to show off the character's personalities a bit more too. Daisy's innocence, Paulo's alpha-male attitude (and his loyalty when it's called for), etc. When you're writing a fanfiction, you need to make the reader enjoy the characters just as much as they do in the actual source material.

Finally, conventions. There is a plethora of spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors. Know the difference between to/two/too, when to use commas, etc. Also, kinda of a nitpick, but I recommend italicizing onomatopoeias (sound effects), such as the "BRIIIING" coming from the bell. It's just a nice way to make it stand out as a sound effect.

Don't let criticisms get you down, as you have plenty of potential. I had a completely rocky start on fanfiction/stories when I started over a year ago, but I've improved much (and still have a long way to go). If you're persistent and determined, you're bound to improve.

MintyFishbowl, on 12 August 2012 - 05:28 AM, said:

Word goals are pointless. Aim to produce a good story instead.

MintyFishbowl, on 12 August 2012 - 05:28 AM, said:

Disagree. I don't care if I'm not told what a character tastes. Not every story has an omniscient narrator. Not every detail needs to be told. Immersion comes from the whole, not from a page-long description of a character's sensory hallucinations.

(In fact, I'd suggest refraining from the use of an omniscient narrator anyway. It's, in my personal opinion, nicer to read a story in which people's thoughts, experiences and feelings are hinted at through their actions. If thoughts need to be vocalised, the narrator could guess or deduce or it could happen via dialogue.)

I seriously doubt this will be updated, because almost nobody updates after the initial thing, even if it's a good idea. I'd love to be proven wrong, but I doubt I will be.