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I am not a writer.

  • Migrant
  • Would refuse to attend a gay wedding; makes out with men
    Member
So I occasionally think up little scenes or snippets which I think would look pretty cool in one format or another, but I rarely put them together as a complete story. Mostly these are just cool action scenes, really. So I decided to put one of the more recent ones on paper today, and see what people think.

As I said, this isn't a complete story. It's just a little action scene. Let me know if you had the patience to read it.


View PostMigrant, on 16 November 2012 - 07:58 AM, said:

A dark, iridescent cloak covers the man's head and body, as he stands in the valley, facing a flat topped mountain. Arms stretching outward and hands pointing forward, he is the maestro to the landscape's orchestra. His hands come together. Sparks sprout in a vertical line along the centre of the mountain, as the ground shakes slowly and a loud thunder rolls. His arms stretch out again, as if holding back invisible forces trying to crush him. The mountain in front of him snaps cleanly in half, the two pieces tumbling over, with the strength of the movement.

The thunder loudens and the earth starts shaking more violently in the valley. Trying to keep his balance, the wizard smiles and admires his achievement. Black smoke gushes out from where the mountain once stood, as grey stone and silt are pushed up from under the earth with a near liquid aspect. Occasional explosions send rocks the size of houses hurling hundreds of meters up. As he sees the flow moving in his direction, the cloaked man suddenly realises the danger and starts running in the opposite direction.

Damn. I can't outrun this torrent. I have to get above it. A tree. Not tall enough... and would probably burn. The tower... too far... and will fall with the quakes. A mountain then. Right. Which one? Fast. There! Not too steep. Go! Go! Go!

A quarter of the way up, the dark cloud catches up with him, the sudden push dropping him to his feet. Looking back he sees the flow about to reach the base of the hill. The torrent has grown darker now, here and there patches of bright orange molten rock can be seen. It's still moving as fast as before, though.

Ahrg! Cover your nose. I can barely see. The level is still rising. No time to stop! Go! The heat, my skin is burning... Faster! Up! There! A path. Great.

A few desperate minutes running up the path, the wizard reaches a dead end and curses under his breath. The smog has thinned out a bit and he sees the ruins of an old lookout post watching over the quickly changing landscape. A single brick wall from what was once a cottage or a storage shed stands near the rock face. He awkwardly climbs onto the wall, holding onto the cliff-side for balance. With a well timed jump aided by the movement of the ground he grabs onto a large root and pulls himself up.

Winded and breathing heavily, he hugs the swaying tree for stability as he rests. He coughs frantically for a few seconds and throws up on the grass. Recomposed, he tries to look back down the ledge.

It's reached the end of the valley. Not as loud as it was before. It should calm down once it hits the sea. Doesn't seem to be rising very much now... I should be safe here.

A small explosion under the flowing rock sends a large boulder flying by, missing him by a few meters.

Then again, maybe I should move a bit further still...

A loud hissing sound confirms the hot rock has met the sea, a new cloud of ash in the distance barely visible through the smoke. He continues walking up the mountain, now less desperately. The peak of the hill is a couple of hundred meters above the bush-line, and provides him with a good overview of the scene. Sitting down on the ground and leaning against a rock, he rolls a cigarette absentmindedly, then remembers inhaling eruption fumes minutes before and decides against lighting it.

Wow. I didn't expect this. What was under that mountain? I wonder if the others got out ok... I can still feel the ground moving. The broken mountain must still be pushing more earth up. I can't even find it anymore...

A strong southerly wind blows the ash clouds away from where the wizard is sitting. On the other side of the valley the hills are covered in soot, and burning trees add fuel to the smog. Stones small and large still drop from the sky at regular intervals, carving new detail into the recently formed landscape. Looking away from the valley the nearby ranges seem relatively unscathed. The quakes caused landslides and opened a few rifts, and an adventurous river is exploring a new path. A group of trees is on fire, probably from a falling rock which hadn't had enough time to cool down.

A sip from his canteen mixed fresh water with the remains of soot and vomit in his mouth, the foul taste making him spit it out in reflex. After rinsing his mouth properly and drinking the container half empty, the wizard stands up again. His once shiny cloak has turned an unflattering shade of grey, and an assortment of twigs, seeds, holes and tears adorns it. He patiently removes the plant matter and shakes off the ash, but the cloak refuses to change back to its original colour.

I doubt anyone will be able to set foot in this place for a few weeks. I'll be back when it cools down. To get out of this valley, then... I think there was a town not too far south.


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This post has been edited by Migrant: 22 November 2012 - 03:56 AM

  • #1

I can't rightly critique it story-wise, since there is no story yet. But, props for painting a vivid image in my mind. But be wary: you tread the thin line between acceptable language and purple prose. You have to make sure to use descriptive language while not making it too distracting. Lengthy words tend to distract from pure emotion--in most cases, and action scenes are one of them. For the most part, though, you do this pretty well. You understand that short sentences do have more a "punch" to them. But sometimes, you sacrifice grammar for it, and you really don't need to. For example,

Quote

Arms are stretched outwards and hands pointing forward.

Two grammatical things: first, the "hands" part is a different clause, so therefore it needs another verb ("are"). To nitpick a bit more, "ward" words (forward(s), backward(s), outward(s), etc.)--it is acceptable to use an "s" or not (although it is slightly more formal not to), but what you are supposed to do is be consistent in your choice. In other words, say "outwards" and "forwards" or "outward" and "forward." One more thing, though--this part isn't the action scene. It's setting up a feeling of something great about to be unleashed, which actually would be better suited to a longer sentence. Perhaps you could join the two sentences together and add a little piece at the end. For example,

Quote

A dark, iridescent cloak covers the man's body as he stands in the valley, facing a flat-topped mountain, his arms stretched outward and hands pointing forward, as though he commanded the landscape that lay before him.

Something to that effect, anyhow. The idea I'm trying to get across is hard to explain, but hopefully you get it... how long sentences add to the suspense while short ones add to the emotion.

And... I'm afraid I have to disagree with you with the alternation between third person and first. A comic doing that works because the switch is subtle--a solid box versus a bubbled one. On the other hand, when it's done in a narrative, it's jarring. And if you want to make it clear that the character is thinking it, just change the text into italics and add "he thought" at the end. What you're doing right now is incredibly distracting and breaks the flow.

Otherwise, no specific critique. Partly because there's no story yet to critique, but also because you did a good job at being descriptive on the whole.

This post has been edited by Lux Aeterna: 18 November 2012 - 08:00 PM

  • #2

  • Migrant
  • Would refuse to attend a gay wedding; makes out with men
    Member
Thanks for the feedback, Lux. Those sentences were originally just one, but I felt it had gotten too long. I've changed the first paragraph a fair bit. PLease let me know what you think. I noticed another couple of mistakes in the last few paragraphs, too, which I'already fixed.

I put his thoughts in italics, but I kinda think it's pretty obvious the perspective's changed, isn't it? I changed the indent for those parts and everything. I feel adding "he thought" all the time would be cheap and repetitive.

This post has been edited by Migrant: 22 November 2012 - 03:58 AM

  • #3

The first paragraph is better, now. Nothing much else to say to it.

Mmm, it's obvious that the perspective changed, but only after you see a few words. I'm a stickler for flow--the optimal reading experience is one that is not disrupted by any "off" writing. For example, the fact that you keep throwing in those thought bubbles is... jarring, not really adding to the action, most of the time. Not to mention the indentation should be consistent: indent all paragraphs or indent none.

With the thoughts... consider that sometimes, it's not really necessary. For example, this:

Quote

It's reached the end of the valley. Not as loud as it was before. It should calm down once it hits the sea. Doesn't seem to be rising very much now... I should be safe here.

Could be done just as easily with narration. I know you want this to be intense, but you have to realize there's a point where the thoughts become distracting.

And for other thoughts, you can just stick it on the end of the paragraph. Like the "Then again, maybe I should move a bit further still..." could be thrown on the paragraph above it, and the italics would make it obvious enough.

And yes, I should have specified: the "thought" verb should be used sparingly, just like "said," but do try to use it sometimes, just so thoughts aren't awkwardly floating alone. It's really a case-by-case basis, here.

... Really, what you're doing with thoughts isn't "wrong." Sometimes it just comes down to preference. But I read things twice when I critique them: first as the reader, to see what my response is on the level that most people would experience, and then as a proofreader to catch everything else. As a reader, with the thoughts, sometimes I thought "wait, what? Why just throw in the thoughts like that..?"

But it's not imperative that you change them. Really, it's your call--I'm just stating my opinion.
  • #4

So, I get the idea that you're going for quick punchy actions, and that's generally the right idea. But you're descriptions tended to be a bit too flowery when describing the look of something, and not nearly comprehensive enough when describing the actions of things. I found myself going back and re-reading several paragraphs because what I thought was happening didn't seem to be happening at all and I needed to re-analyze the text to figure it out. Not something you want in an action sequence.

For example, I THINK what happened was that after he split the mountain, lava exploded out like a wave and cascaded quickly like running water after him, as a wave would at a beach. But I had to stop and think about that after I realized that he had to scale a mountain to get high enough to avoid it. I also didn't register that there even was lava until he mentioned that a tree would burn. I just read it as smoke and flying rocks.

Another thing that was confusing to follow was his arm movements. I'd try and recreate my reaction reading it but it was so scattered and filled with double takes and re-evaluations that I can't follow my own train of thought on it anymore. Suffice it to say, the gist I got from it was he raised his arms up on either side of his body, slowly brought them together in front of him, then quickly parted them causing the mountain to split...

I also think the thoughts were a bit jarring. Especially since they didn't seem thematically appropriate to the rest of the prose. We went from solid descriptive flow and natural (if a bit forced) language to... Well... It felt like I was reading a fantasy novel one minute, and then the script for a Heist Movie the next. The characters language threw me.

Long story short, I feel like you need to work on less adjectives and more detail in the motions. It's a tricky balance. You don't want to spend a paragraph describing arm movements. But if it's under described it makes it impossible to follow.
  • #5

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