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My dad's a cheater - he left my Mom and I over the summer. He's really cruel about it, sends bad things every once and a while. He kind of treats me like I'm not related to him anymore...

My Dad and I were really close when I was growing up... He's a mathematician, and I chose to do science because we'd always talk about it. Even since I was in grade 3, we'd walk and I'd ask him about everything from black holes to gravity, and he always had something interesting to say. He was my role model, and I always wanted to be just like him. In my eyes, he was always the honorable, simple and really smart type. I kind of made myself like him over the years, and now that's gone. Whenever people tell me that I'm like him (like at university) I get a sick feeling.

What should I do? Has anyone here ever lost the person they look up to most in the world?

I've been harboring a hatred to him and especially the person he's with lately - is this appropriate? Should I ever forgive him? Would you?

You know what's really scary? If he could do something like this, what if I am? I can't imagine hurting someone like he did, but what if that capability's built into me? I'm scared that I might be like him someday.

Hate is a bit too strong a feeling for someone who just doesnt deserve the effort you would put into it. By all means you dont have to like him at all.

Worrying aboiut becomeing him? I have experince with that myself. Let me tell you a story, For all my life my father has spent his life at the bottom of a bottle, Yelling and screamin about every little thing if it did'nt go his way. Treating my mom and the rest of the family like crap and telling me i was worthless on a daily basis. I used to fear him and now im just embarassed by the old bastard. I spent so much time worrying about becoming him and being afraid that i missed out on so much of my youth just worrying alone, when my freinds were out partying i was in the corner trying to behave, when they had a drink I remained thirsty, when people were going out on dates and meeting people i was just confused (still am sorta). It took me years to realize that i wasnt him, a sip of whisky woul'nt turn me into a monster, haveing a bit of fun wouldent make me lose all control, yes i can get stupid after haveing a few drinks but guess what? Im not him, i am my own man and while im few years behind everyone else in terms of social interatction I know i can go on, I can go out out! i can have fun! i can try damnit! and i intend to make up for all iv'e missed and my shyness be damned!

There is nothing that says you are your own father! I am personally offended whan people say i look like a young version of my father! but ive learned to take it in stride, because i know, yes i know I decide my life.

and you do too kid, just because he could do this doesnt mean you have too, you decide your own life and you have the whole thing ahead of you

Goldwulf Q. Triplesexy, on 20 December 2010 - 03:52 PM, said:

My god, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. I'm happy to hear that you've come to terms with it though.

The problem for me is that I always looked up to my dad... he was my hero and I wanted to be just like him. For so many years, whenever people would say I was like him I'd be proud.

It's nice to know that you think I don't have to be like him though. I'm just afraid because I've put so much of his personality in me over the years - hell, we even talk the same way.

Your personality is yours and yours alone, you dont share the same thoughts as he does, Life can throw you down but the only way to face it is to get back up again, what you admired in him, you can still admire, what he is right now, that isnt you. The fact thta you can admit to being worried and attempt to chage shows that whatever good he has in him has rubbed off on you. When people say you are like him, just say back "yeah like he used to be" a laugh it off. you cant always tell what life is going to throw your way, people can change, sometimes they change back, sometimes they dont. but the choice to how to live your life is and will always be yours, it can be tough, it will be tough, but you decide, not him. you can take the good and treassure that, build from that! and you can learn to move on from this, you are stronger than you realize

I don't think this is a question an internet forum can answer in all seriousness. I think it's something you have to figure out on your own.
But if you had to listen to at least one person here... listen to the Triplesmex.

My dad almost left my mom a few years ago. He simply had more in common with the woman he worked with than with my mom. It would have been disappointing if he’d decided to leave for the other woman, but at the same time, it was my dad’s life, not mine. Of course my story is a little different since my dad doesn’t put me down at all. We genuinely love each other.

Starwatcher said:

Inviting comparisons to Abbey, aren’t you?

Unlike you, I don’t worry about turning out like my dad, because I’m really not very much like him to begin with. I make my own choices and live my own life. And I think you should do that too. I agree with Goldwulf, hating your dad isn’t worth the effort for someone who doesn’t seem to care much for you at all. Let go of the hate and just live your life. Keep your dad as an object reminder of what kind of person not to become.

I am sorry to hear this, Watcher.

To answer your question: No, I would not say that you should hate your father. If you start hating, you let him have an effect on you - if what you say is true, he is being hateful, and you should not let that make you resent him in return. And what Goldwulf says is true; his actions are not really worth your hate.

After all my father put our family through, and the fact he's STILL on drugs. i can't hate him, i pity him but not hate him. But only you can deside on how you feel about him

My friend's dad kicked him out of the house for being a homosexual. This kid was honorably discharged from the Navy because his friend killed himself right in front of him, and now he (my friend) has cancer.

My best friend's dad was always angry and rude to everyone because he couldn't walk. He passed away from heart disease in 2004. I miss him, but probably not as much as my friend does.

The point? It can always get worse.

My dad left fourteen years ago under similar circumstances to yours. He beat the shit out of me, made me feel like shit, was never around and drank all the time for as far back as I can remember. That being said, I'm still close to him. I forgive him. He's not the only person to beat the shit out of me or make me feel like shit, and he won't be the last. And I'll have to deal with him for the rest of my life, as I figure you'll have to deal with yours.

You're the only one who can figure out what he deserves. You know the context and everything. So you decide.

The best you can do is keep the fond memories and the good examples you had, and try to ignore the rest.
Now, for the feeling you should have... I don't know if you should hate him... hate gets back at you sometimes.
I'm pretty detached from people, and that's unfortunate. I think I could just ignore it, but that's not an easy thing to do.
I's a pity, but life goes on. I hope you make it through that situation and remember about the ones that care about you.

But, I don't think you should hate the person he's with. Probably doesn't have anything to do with it (unless there is), and even if your father's new relationship would fall apart, it wouldn't help, I think.

I don't think it's probable that you'll do the same as your father.
If you happen to love someone other then the mother of your child, you won't let it be like it happened to you.

This post has been edited by Lycan: 21 December 2010 - 01:59 AM

lotsa daddy issues on this forum
anyway i want to hug all of you and give you all presents

When life confronts you with calamity, do not look to others for what you must do. Instead, look within your own heart, for it is there, and only there, that you will find your answer. To face your personal disasters as other would have you is to betray your own soul. You must live with the consequences of your actions, be they good or ill, so you must make the decision for yourself.

Do not be afraid to let others light the way, but be sure to follow the road that your heart dictates, wherever it may lead.

[/sensei impersonation]

Quite frankly, we can give you all the advice in the world, but is ultimately a choice YOU must make.

Thanks for the responses guys. I probably shouldn't have posted this here, I was having a bad day and just needed some people to talk to.

Please take care and Merry Christmas.

Meh. We get this kind of response, it's not a big deal. Just take care, kid.

Starwatcher, on 22 December 2010 - 12:59 AM, said:

Hey, take it easy.
I bet it was nice knowing people can support you =D
Worry not.

Well I guess there is nothing else to add. Just be yourself Starwatcher and look forward. People here will always cheer you up.

As a wise man once said "Life can be sad, but than again why should you care".