Bittersweet Candy Bowl Forums

Well... Did you remember about the Finfic i plan to write about Many people from video game and anime mix-up in "Crossoveres".. now i need help! because i run out of idea to write more now!

I'll tell you the story so far that i had written so you could understand about the plot and help me...
To know : There're some offense to some characters (like major Injuries that End up at ICU, Try to kill without an reason...) so don't flame me about that! i just want the idea what i should write next!
And Taeshi... I have to say sorry for making some of your character got into critictial danger stituation...
And Another thing to know some character that supposed to be taken out in the story (like getting fucked in the ass and carson) will have an appearance in this too... (Since i love getting fucked in the ass'a Clumsiness)

Warning : This Fanfic Is 15+ Rated for violence , Guns and Blood and gore

...somewhere in finland... General Tiger[HTF] are planning on their new weapons that call Goldencat[Like Goldeneye but it's different since The effect of this one affect on victims in fire area too]But before they could Perform the test-fire... someone sobatage the power supply and head toward the control room all of Gen.Tiger trying to stop him but they got eliminated in no time... then Gen.tiger jump in front of him and found out he's 00Mike ,The CIA(Cat intelligence Agency)'s top agents... they fight each other but in the end 00Mike defeated Gen.Tiger with only some minor injuries.. but as he try to get the Goldencat the Power supply exploded and the flame coming 00Mike's way and engulf everything!

Then Mike[BCB] waken up in panic... What a strange nightmare... CIA's Spy... Goldencat... what's that dream? his confuse of his dream got interupted by Paulo[BCB] who is a bit angry because he shout to wake Mike up too many times... as he came to front door... he saw Paulo and Daisy... Mike ask about Lucy and Daisy replied that Lucy are very sick and she have to stay at home... as Paulo bash Mike Head and tell him that our group're about to missed David[BCB]'s first Football Match at Stadium (Do not ask why David play Football) .Ten minute later they arrived the Stadium and surprised him... In the same time a guy From another side of stadium talk to the phone about David's and planning on something...

The group of Mike Take an VIP seat... (since David's Coach give him as his friends for free and he can't sit there coz he have to stay at side of football field) After the match started David was playing very well... He cooperate with his teammate and about to score the goal.. but then someone shoot the Sniper Rifle at him... but it hit his teammate who's on his back instead... The assassin Start shooting like crazy since he accidentally alert him. David run toward the stadium exit as he know that he's the target! Paulo rush to stadium Exit as Mike and Daisy followed. But The assassin Saw The group and somehow fire the gun at Mike! but Daisy,Who Followed Mike Saw it And Push Mike out of the way and got hit herself... Then the assassin Shoot David's Leg and he fall to the ground in pain and The assassin is about to Finish David off! But! Someone Distact the Assassin and as he Turn to the way distaction came, He got shot the someone who snipe about 2 Km away from the stadium and fall to his death. then the shooter get in The car and Drive away from the scene...

Later at the hospital... While Mike and Paulo Waiting in front of ICU and Mike worry about daisy a lot since she saved his life from getting shot.Abbey , Sue , Mccain and getting fucked in the ass rush to them and ask what happened... as Abbey know what happened to Daisy...He Fainted (my god) and other was shocked... but someone... the person who kill the assassin who try to kill David is Watching the Group From another corridor...

...Somewhere in Asia... Ponthe,The Special Marksman Sniper of GD (Global Defensive) agency has recived the information about The unidentified weapon called goldencat from his boss that it's in Australia. His Boss Order Him to Retive it as fast as he could before someone else obtain and use it!

Now i need Idea now... Help!

This post has been edited by Rukral: 08 January 2011 - 03:35 AM
Reason for edit: Getting around the word filter for Kizuna is a bannable offence. You have been warned...

...

what the fuck did I just read

I mean uh what the fuck uh that was so awesome you ahve to write more

?

Oh hey look emoticons

Mechanical Pencil, on 07 January 2011 - 05:20 AM, said:

in the first i thought you hate it and make me removed the story...
but thank for responsive

i dont hate it. just i have not to think

This post has been edited by Raxki: 07 January 2011 - 05:32 AM

I think it's very good. I expect much, MUCH more of this critical danger situation.

Yeah... I'm not one to mollycoddle new authors.

This is terrible. Not the worst I've read. But really quite bad. You've written it in a (poorly formatted) script style for one which is already a pretty bad way to present a story. Your poor grasp of English hurts the story allot, so all I can say there is practice English or write in your own language. And you use ellipsis after every single sentence! An ellipsis (the thing where you go ... ) is not a replacement for a period (where you go . ). Ellipsis is a tool to be used sparingly. It's official use is to show that you have omitted something from the sentence where the ellipsis occurs. The only times you should ever use it, are when a character is breaking up on the other end of a phone or radio (ie: Hel... o... I... Dow... ore... With a hu... etc etc) or when a character is trailing off (ie: Johny looked down at his dying mother. "Mum. I always wanted to tell you something. I'm..." She looked up at him in anticipation, but he couldn't bring himself finish his sentence. etc etc)

Also. In a story, you do not use abbreviations like "WTF" and such. It seems from reading this, that you are trying to take the characters as though this were an Anime of some kind, having characters face plant when somebody does something stupid and the like. This is a bad idea. If you want the story to be silly, that is fine, but don't expect it to play out the same way as an Anime would. Writing a story and an Anime are two very different tasks, and do not use the same imagery or language.

Finally, the story. You seriously need to reconsider this idea if you want it to be taken at all seriously. If you're just playing it up for wacky laughs, then mission accomplished. I was reading this out in a voice chat with a bunch of people including Taeshi, and we were all laughing pretty consistently at how ridiculous the situation was. But if you're actually trying to tell a serious action packed story, you really have a long way to go.

Also, you need to stop being so terrified that people will be angry because a character got hurt. Some of the best drama is developed when a character is severely injured, and as such, you shouldn't feel restricted, or like you need to apologize for injuries sustained by characters.

If you're having trouble thinking up the next part, that just tells me that you need to learn to actually have a story to tell before you start writing, not just an idea. You don't need to know every event and every twist. Stories can sometimes surprise you! But you DO need to know what the story is about, where it is going, and have a general idea of how it'll get there.

I hope this critique is in some way helpful. Keep practicing, keep writing, and have some fun with it

Maverik, on 09 January 2011 - 02:24 AM, said:

I Understood Sir....
But Let me Explain that i'm new at these stuff and i'm too worry about reader's feeling (which make the story go completely wasted) that's my flaw... and now i'm currently re-write the whole story from the beggining (since you warn me about story mis-information) and I have no good at translating. Finally that you have to know... I'm really suck English (offically i know how to communicate... but not to make them know what the meaning that i wanted them to know...)
Sorry sir...
Bloodyspare

P.S. Sir Maverik... Could you re-post some of writing tips that you written in "Love me" Before... i need it for improve my writing skills...

Here's a link to the old thread I made for people to share writing tips. It contains the tips I gave in the Love Me thread as well.

http://www.bitterswe...ive/101698.html