Bittersweet Candy Bowl Forums

Quote

Yeah, I would think it fairly logical for Sue to go after him. I probably would have had her if Abbey hadn't been there.



@Sushi, RedJack

Thank you both for the compliments, they are much appreciated.

Quote

After a little research, it turns out you're right. The way that I'm using 'well' is technically not correct, and is for the most part slang. Although the reason I didn't use 'swell' is because it implies a crescendo, as opposed to a rise.

@TheBellBoy

Your request will be posted tomorrow.

This post has been edited by Meowth: 28 February 2011 - 03:35 AM

I was actually pleasantly surprised you made someone else talk to Mike. I assumed Lucy was going to appear and have some more tension, or Paulo would come in and be really awkward. Instead you went for someone I didn't exactly expect. It was a good choice, I'm not saying that though! I like it when things surprise me

A new story, Aloof (NSFW), has just been added.
This is a oneshot AugustusXDaisy story I did upon request. It's a little unrealistic... but there is sex, so that makes it okay.
Plus, AugustusXDaisy is unrealistic all in itself, so there was only so much I could do.

@Taeshi

I'm glad you enjoyed it! It's also nice I managed to surprise you while still keeping things reasonable.

Honestly I'm surprised you even added some NSFW content to your library. Interesting story and good plot knowledge were key factors being played here. Of course the sex part of it was enjoyable it was pretty cool how you managed to mold the situation in Augustus' favor . Hear me blabbering I don't even think I know what I'm talking about.

Aloof was... interesting. I mostly skipped past the sexy bits, just skimming them. (The idea of kitty-cats doing the nasty is a major turnoff. ) It was well-written as usual, but Daisy was quite out of character. Yeah, she was ticked at Abbey, but she was still cheating on him. With a guy, that, up until a few minutes ago, she believed at once tried to rape her. And beyond that, why was she so quick to believe him? I mean, this IS Daisy, but I don't think she'd have forgiven him THAT quickly.


Still, I look forward to the next chapter of Friends Forever!

As I almost passed out while I was having blood taken, I humorously thought of this story ^_^

Yay, DaisyxAugustus =D

This post has been edited by Lycan: 01 March 2011 - 12:56 AM

Yay. Thank you.

I am in ur thread, reading ur stories

Honestly I feel bad for not commenting until now, I've been reading on my phone and just didn't occur to me to post here, but Forever Friends is really deep, each chapter just fleshes out Mike's position more and more and it's addicting to get to the next part and be like, this poor guy. And you haven't made it obvious he'd live or something which would just be like, "meh" it's still a mystery what will happen to me anyways.

I just have a question though, how often do you write? Or do you have periods where you churn out chapters in one go? I can never seem to find enough time or inspiration to get these things done, especially when it comes to painting....

He releases his chapters every day that Taeshi doesn't release a new chapter in her comic. Except Sunday thats when they both have the day off.

@RedJack

I actually used to write porn all the time, although most of it was of... a different nature.

@Smash Genesis

Yeah, I'll admit she is really out of character. I kind of rushed things since it was getting longer then I had planned it to be, not to mention some of it was done for the sake of porn. The most noble of causes in my book.

@TheBellBoy

No problem.

@Ace

The compliments are much appreciated. I also plan on reading your new story when I get the time. Probably some time this week.

I typically try to write about 1-2 hours a day if I can. Although I normally don't have any inspiration, I have come to the conclusion that I never have inspiration because I can never stop thinking. Writing is one of the few times where I'm able to actually focus, so it often comes to me as force myself to write sentence after sentence. Eventually, it flows easier.

Mind sharing your adultfanfic library? O.O

RedJack, on 01 March 2011 - 02:14 AM, said:

I may get around to it if I ever get a chance to edit them. I doubt you guys would like them much because of my 'unique' interests. Also, they are separate from the BCB universe so... yeah. Plus, they're out there, you just have to find them.

The only normal porn stories I've done were done for my Ex and are, of course, private.

Meowth, on 01 March 2011 - 02:12 AM, said:

No problemo. And read whenever, I haven't even finished writing it and I can't promise a schedule so maybe it'll be best to wait until the whole thing is up eh?

Well I normally just read them as they're updated, but if you would prefer me to read it as a whole, I would be perfectly willing to do that as well.

Haha maybe that was a form of self-deprecation, do what you want it's on the internet so it's your call on whatever.

Daisy is unfortunately the most-likely girl in the cast to cheat.

Just putting that out there.

(also do people really really assume Daisy is madly in love with Abbey? I'LL LEAVE YOU TO PONDER THAT BASED ON THE EVIDENCE SHOWN IN CLASS)

So it's not COMPLETELY implausible.

The explanation Augustus had for his antics in Love My Way were very interesting, Meowth! I love reading stories that try to reveal motives of characters in a different perspective. Obviously I can't badger you on how correct it is because currently in the story the motive/explanation is vague. Though it will certainly be explained. I was totally intrigued by Augustus revealing it was all linked to jealousy. I will force myself not to say anything more now~

One thing I will most-certainly commend you on, is the fact you didn't do the standard generic "guy pleases girl with tongue, she orgasms, girl pleases guy with tongue, he orgasms, then girl and guy have sex, they simultaneously orgasm" I see that done in lemons ALL THE TIME and it's kind of.. uncreative. You instead kind of ended it on the second note. I think that was definitely more realistic and I give props to you. Now having sex unprotected? That would have been the mother of all out of character moments for Daisy. Even more than the concept of cheating on Abbey. So I'm quite relieved you avoided it!

ALSO MEOWTH COME ON YOUR INTERESTS ARE INTERESTING, i would totally read them ;.;

Meowth, on 01 March 2011 - 02:12 AM, said:

I can respect that.

Taeshi, on 01 March 2011 - 08:58 AM, said:

I never thought I'd get Word of God'd. I feel so... fuzzy inside.

Chapter 13, Social Pariah is now up.





@Ace

You know, you really are too hard on yourself. From what I've seen of your other stories you really are a good writer.

Quote

Are you telling me I may not be quite as insane as I once thought I was?
I'm particularly glad you said that because mentioning slight things that have a HUGE effect on how I see the character, and can heavily effect my stories.

Quote

There are certain things I naturally try to avoid, such as parents and last names. This would be another one of those things. While I could easily come up with an explanation such as Daisy and Abbey being sexually active, thus Daisy being on the pill, I know so little about the characters (especially regarding these types of situations) I generally try to steer clear of it.

Quote

While sex isn't my best subject (since I'm a virgin) I didn't think two orgasms was entirely plausible for two (one?) kid(s) who were inexperienced with sex.

Quote

Well, MAYBE I'll get around to posting some of them this weekend. MAYBE.

This one definitely tugged at my heartstrings. You sir have talent. I can't wait til Thursday to see what happens next.

Also do you know how many chapters you plan on writing for this?

TheDude, on 01 March 2011 - 10:38 PM, said:

I have no idea. It will be going on for a fair bit more though. Assuming everything goes as planned.

This chapter really touch me

And Meowth i found a music and it have some similarities with your fanfic
Angel - Dave Matthews Band

While I admit that was ridiculously close to the chapter, I believe I was listening to Tool when I wrote it.

Mike is forever alone, Paulo is rage guy, and Lucy is sad face.

I really like this, and I don't have anything really constructive to say, much to my embarassment.


Really though? I'm just waiting for Sandy to call and break up with Mike, giving him even MORE reason to angst.

Man Paulo you're a jeeeerk!

Lucy's always been nice to Mike? I guess Paulo is a masochist and enjoys Lucy's punches

The clapping thing made me go AAAAAAAAAA

i need time to read Meowth FF =w=...

Man I really liked this chapter. May be due to the fact that I like cheesy moments but I really REALLY liked this chapter a whole lot. I loved it when Lucy and Mike finally hugged. I adored it when Mike finally realized that Lucy has needed him this entire time. I also liked the part where they are starting to get along :3. Meowth I have to say that you are becoming my addiction. I cannot wait till thursday.

The chapter is fantastic, I can really imagine Paulo reacting like that. And the last paragraph is simply.... wonderfull. I have to learn to write this sort of things too. Good job man,

Very freaking awesome, Meowth. If it really came down to it, I can see Paulo reacting like that quite easily. It might have been very slightly cliche when Lucy showed up, but Lucy is a bit of a cliche herself. (tsundere nutcase)

On the whole though, this is an amazing chapter. Mike really isn't having any slack cut for him, eh? Can't wait to see Paulo's reaction to the news either, that will just be intense.

I can't wait for the next chapter. It's very gripping. You've got a really good writing style.

I usually dont read fan fiction, because I think most of it is bad. But this is really really good, you certainly got the charaters' personalities right and that makes these stories really interesting to read. Really looking forward to the next chapter.

I'm sure most of you have noticed this, but I figured it was worth reiterating. Most of the things that 'I' say in the story, are directly affected by the way a certain character is thinking at the time. In other words, I bounce back and forth between limited third person and regular third person, only using regular third person on occasion. So if I'm describing what Mike is thinking, but I happen to say 'Mike didn't deserve this' or 'Mike didn't care', that doesn't necessarily make it true. It's simply what Mike believes. Also bear in mind that the person's thoughts may bounce back and forth just as much as ours. While one second they could blame themselves, the next they might not. This is particularly important at times, since not knowing this could seriously hurt the story or confuse the reader. A good example would be in Aloof. I took particular effort to stay away from Augustus's thoughts and focused rather on dialogue. This was done to conceal his true intentions (whatever they may have been). It's also important to keep a particular eye for when I go into the regular third person. When I go into the regular third person, I stating something that normally wouldn't be thought by the individual, or I'm mentioning something going that they can not see (this is a little easier to recognize). I just thought I throw that our there, because things are going to get VERY confusing if you don't keep that in mind.

@Fenix
The internet is like a poison that can never be truly escaped.

@Smash
Thanks, it's always nice hearing that someone doesn't have any criticisms. While I do love criticisms, it's a huge compliment to hear you had none.

@Taeshi
The clapping part almost made me cringe as I wrote it.

@Raxki
I would be thoroughly pleased if you got around to reading it, but I can respect if you can't. It is, in fact, quite long.

@RedJack
Meh, the next chapter is short and fairly boring. Basically, chapter 13 was sort of a climax, and I'm back to building action, although chapter 15 is pretty intense in my opinion, although it's short as well.

@Volgrand
Looking back at the things I wrote just a few years ago, I'm amazed I was every able to write this.
Then again, practice makes perfect.


@Sushi
Admittedly, it was a touch cliche, but I think a little cliche is good as long as it's controlled and not set loose on the story like an animal (I.E. Twilight, any character in an Alex Cross book, and any character in a Stephen King book).

@Bass
Thanks,I work harder on my writing style then anything else.

@DFA
That mean's a lot because I can somewhat relate to what you're saying.

a very good writing style

@Meowth honestly don't care if its boring. I'm getting to see what will be going on after this incident. Regardeless of it being boring or not, info and good writing style is all I'm looking at.

Chapter 14, Regret has just been added.

It's short, a little boring, and it's Paulo. What else could one person ask for?

@SuitCase


@RedJack
Well, your wish shall be granted.

Well, at least Paulo isn't totally an unfeeling prick characterized by his insaitable lust for vagina.

You captured that pretty well.

Great chapter. My only real problem is something I should have noticed a while back - when you want to say someone said something after that person's sentence, you use a comma in place of a period. For example "I really thought I knew you better than this, Paulo." Lucy said quickly gaining her composure, try "I really thought I knew you better than this, Paulo," Lucy said quickly gaining her composure.


Also, and this is more of a personal preference than a real critique, but try not to use all caps to show someone is screaming. It comes across as incredibly cheesy and over-the-top. I suggest using italics instead.

Finally, I can't believe I just noticed how Paulo always manages to put a homosexual spin on things - seriously, even in cannon, he's like "You say like bananas? GHEY." I'm starting to wonder if he'll think Mike is realizing he's homosexual and is debating whether or not to come out. It would be a nice, humorous subplot to offset all the drama.

Looking forward to chapter 15!

Wait where did David come from ಠ_ಠ

Haha Paulo is going to soon realise he yelled at the cancer kid. THE GUILT

If it isn't David with Mike who could it be? Nobody in the main cast really looks that much like David. The only person who I think it is reasonable to assume would comfort Mike like that is Abbey. He doesn't look too much like David though.

@Sushi

While Paulo isn't exactly my best known character, I think for the most part, I got him down alright. He is actually a nice guy, just an idiot (with an insatiable love for the dead vagina).
Oh, and thank you.

@Smash

Believe it or not, English is not my strongest subject. I've always been decent at writing, but I've always had trouble in English, and only recently have a taken any interest in the technical side of it. I'll try to be more careful about the period/comma issue in the future. By the way, thanks for pointing that out.

Hmm, honestly, I do try to put them in italics instead of caps unless someone is screaming in their head (since thoughts are already in italics (then again I could still use bold instead of caps)). Not sure what I was thinking there... probably had a reason at the time, but that is long gone.
I'll keep an eye out for that in the future.

Oh, and the Mike being gay idea is a painfully awesome. I've debated it in my head prior to this, but I may need to reconsider. It's hard for me to tell if it would be beneficial or hurtful to the story. Then again, this is just a fan fiction, so a little experimentation is never a bad thing (pun?).

@Taeshi

Or will he...?

@RedJack, TheDude

You're gonna have to wait and see... And for those who want a hint...

Chapter 15, Closer Than Arms Length is up.

Oke...

Alright I give in THAT WAS EPIC!!! Yeah yeah I like cheesy moments but if something like this were to happen in the BCB comic then I would jump out of a window and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!!". I think the thing I liked most about this was the fact that Mike is finally not being (in Lucy's term) a Jerkface. Sorry but words cannot describe how happy I am to see that they are finally connecting.

I think you now have a dedicated fanfic... fan? Lol :3

Holy hell YESSSSSSSSSSSS

Mike X Lucy to the fucking MAX!

That was beautiful. Oh my god, that was so emotional! I really was able to get into Lucy's head, and empathize with her. The suicide promise was just... wow. You've really managed to capture just how much Lucy needs Mike. I also like how you're showing that Mike really does care about Lucy as well. I like how you've captured how strongly these two kids feel for each other, and it all feels very natural and real.

Alas, there are things I must critique.

"Paulo was wrong. I don't care what he or anyone says about you! You're not a wimp, you're not a bad friend, you're not a loser, and you're not a piece of shit!" Lucy continued yelling into his chest. "You're my best friend Mike. No, you're my only friend. You're the only person who has ever really been there, the only person who could ever really help me. I don't want you to leave, I don't want you to move to Richter with Sandy, I don't want you to die! I… I don't know what I would do, Mike. If you left me… I know it's selfish… I know it's self-centered… but don't want to suffer anymore. But even if I have to suffer, even if I have to spend the rest of my life in pain, I want it to be with you. As long as I'm with you, no matter how bad life get's, it will never be this." Lucy slowly quieted her voice as she spoke. "I don't care how sick you get Mike; I'll be there for you. I don't care what everyone else does or say's, I'll be there. No matter what, no matter what, happens. And the day you finally… pass. Whether it's sooner or later, I'll go with you." Lucy said to him, tears drenching the fur beneath her eyes.

First off, don't use apostrophes to pluralize. It should be "gets" and "says" not "get's" and "say's." Next, it seems kinda off when Lucy is saying she doesn't want to suffer from Mike's suffering anymore. What does she mean will never be "this?" Never be what? Liver cancer? Third, instead of saying "No matter what, no matter what, happens," try "no matter what happens - no matter what!" Next, I understand that you're trying to show how distressed she is by having her babble on at the mouth, but it would be wise to break up the speech a little. Show what she's doing! Show what Mike's thinking! Have him notice how soft her head his, or the wetness of her tears.

Oh and before that when you have "Mike simply stood there and listened while he consoled Lucy," is a little strange, because instead of consoling Lucy, Lucy just gives him more stuff to console. If you're going to put that there, maybe him say a few kind words?

Also, where exactly are they? School? The bathroom? Somewhere private? Somewhere public? Are they making a scene? It isn't exactly clear.

Finally, this takes place after "A Distance Apart" right?


Looking forward to the next chapter, and it's good to know I'm not the only MxL shipper. I was sure the entire fanbase hated that pairing.

That... was beautiful ;__; One thing, on line 21 did you meant "sentiments" rather than "sediments"? I'm sure you are aware that they mean rather different things, unless the former has a meaning I am not aware of.
And Smash, pluralisation using apostrophes is an American custom, I think. And if you had actually read the story, you would know that they are in a bathroom.

This post has been edited by Sammy: 05 March 2011 - 07:36 PM

I'm really glad everyone has enjoyed this chapter so much. Your compliments flatter me.

Quote

Thanks for pointing that out to me. Grammar is definitely not my strong point, but I'm working on it. I'll keep an eye out for those small mistakes in the future.

Quote

I believe we use apostrophes to declare possession and for contractions. Unless it's a pronoun. I'm not sure how we declare possession and pluralize... God this language sucks. MAVERICK, WE NEED YOU.

Quote

She is referring to her life and the way she feels about it in general. I would have expanded further upon that but given her emotional state and the fact it is in dialogue, I didn't think she would have really explained it.

Quote

After rereading that, I see what you mean. It does sound a touch... off. Another thing I'll keep an eye out for. Sometimes I make minor errors like that in dialogue because I'm trying to make it sound realistic. Although, that particular sentence didn't come out so well.

Quote

Well the wetness of the tears I was trying to stay away from because I mentioned it like three times. The reason I didn't elaborate upon Mike's thoughts was because there wasn't much going through his head. All of this happens fairly quickly, so as you can imagine he is having trouble processing it. You'll know what I mean when I post Chapter 18. The reason I didn't mention what she was doing was because she was, for the most, doing the same thing for the majority of the time. Sure, there were probably subtle movements I could have mentioned but at the time I was thinking it would have disrupted the flow of the conversation. In hindsight, there probably were one of two things I could have thrown in there for the extra detail.

Quote

Yes, they're still in the bathroom. The time skips will make sense in Chapter 16.

A Distance Apart?

Quote

Whoops. I'm relying to much spell check.

Quote

<3

Quote

A Distance Apart is the chapter where Mike rejects Lucy.

Ah. This actually takes place close to Feline Filibuster, rather then that far back.

Wow man that was....great. simply great. The suicide promise touched me. I don't really know what more to say.except.that I will wait for the next chapters. Great job man.