Bittersweet Candy Bowl Forums

Dawwwww, this was definitely a good one. And it's a nice way for you to take their relationship in a positive light as opposed to think that Lucy's dependence on Mike is truly and utterly selfish, and that it does mean that Mike means the world to someone. And it wasn't just "chance" he became that person that mattered the most.

This is really good reading here. Just something that i noted that just doesn't quite feel right.

The fact that you jumped around, without some sort of helper of when or where it takes place within the story's context does make it slightly confusing at points.

It was really noticeable with the last chapter, when I was trying to place when/where the story was, then when it happened in relation to the story. To be honest, you lost me at the first couple of lines of dialogue due to the fact that i had to re-read the other chapters to make sure i had not skipped anything. At that point, the flow of the story feels disconnected to the rest of the tale. A little scene set-up would have been appreciated, because explaining it out of the story doesn't make it a part of the story (Hope that makes some kind of sense).

Apart from that little bit of story space/time placement, (you already mentioned about making it fit in earlier) it is nice piece of writing, with great character development. I'll wait and see what you have in store for the others characters as well.

Oh man the emotion in that chapter. Everyone is right, you do go in a different direction, it's refreshing and yet it works so well to the point where it follows the canon on how they think about each other. This is the point I feel where we don't know what will happen next! I'm excited

@Volgrand

I'm flattered to see you enjoyed it so much.

@Taeshi

I'll definitely be touching on that as I go further along. A common element I use in writing (since it's a belief I have in reality) is that everything anybody does is for purely selfish reasons. While obviously things aren't that simple, you'll know what I mean as I get further along. Also, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

@Argius

I'll admit, the execution may need a touch of work, but I actually did it for the sheer purpose of breaking the flow. I want to keep things interesting, and not to mention a large part of this story is how Mike's actions affect the people around him. I also want to keep people thinking, obviously not intensely though. Just enough so they skim a little less, and read a little more. This is especially important for people who sit there, and read the whole thing in one sitting.

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The beginning of Chapter 14 is an excerpt from the previous chapter, and this helps set the scene, as well as the time.

Thanks for the compliment, as well as for your opinion. I hope you enjoy the rest.

@Ace

Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it as well.
And basically what you're seeing in the characters that could be classified as "different" would be a combination of thoughts that I assume they have based on the way they conduct themselves in the comic (through facial expressions and implied tone), they way I assume they would react to being put in such dire situations, and a touch of the way people act and think in realty. I just hope things don't get to crazy and I lead things in a bad direction.

Also, if I can remember to do so, I may take a little from your writings and maybe put a little more detail in to surroundings, although it's a complicated matter for me because my lack of detail given the setting is done on purpose. Hmm, this calls for silent reflection and pacing.

I'm very impressed with the quality of work here.
And certainly nice to see multiple points of view in the later chapters.
(though I noticed the typical reaction of being broken down is almost vomiting. I'm not complaining though, it's the cancer)
Anywho, I'd try to keep things going at a moderate pace.
I don't think everyone will get to know about Mike's condition in the first few days.
And I like the lack of setting details, it allows for creative imaging for the reader.

Chapter 16, Questions is now up.

It's a little uneventful and a touch weird, but it serves it's purpose.


@Ved

I'm glad you're enjoying it. It's worth mentioning that one of the reasons the breaking down thing is so typical is because it actually does happen. It's just seldom shown in any type of media.
And I will be attempting to keep things moderate, but things will pick up eventually. Mainly just to make sure you don't sit through a bunch of days where nothing happens.
As for the details, that the main reason I do it, I just have to careful because if I fail to describe enough, it can seriously hurt the story.

Very emotional... the way you describe Mike's feelings about David, like "is he a friend or just pretending?", and about what Paulo had said to him after Mike scolded him. I like it :3

I said pretty much everything on the IRC, so I'm just looking foward to more. Updates are Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday, right?

Man Mike is a whiny bitch, I didn't like how he acted in this chapter. I mean, fair enough because of the annoyance and cancer, but his life REALLY isn't that hard. It's only now that he had the cancer that it's hard. Paulo doesn't know, therefore in his mind Mike is still living a perfect, ignorant life. Of having good grades, being perfect at sports, having a relative well-off, HAPPY family, with siblings, and girls wanting him.

Paulo comes from a broken family, is not well-off, and always feels inferior to perfect, perfect Mike.

I'm not saying he was portrayed badly, because MIke is totally in-character, but yeah, Mike is such a whiny bitch. Canon or not.


I like David's apology!

@RedJack
Glad you enjoyed it.

@Smash Genesis
Yes sir, they are. I don't see any reasons why that should be disrupted anytime soon either, since I have several chapters written in advance.

@Taeshi

I can see what you're saying, he is definitely pretty whiny, but don't forget a couple of things. For one, he is quite irrational and really isn't able to understand how good his life is/was. It's like when you're angry and end up arguing with someone about something they were justified to say or do. When we feel emotional about something, we're naturally inclined to defend it. That's similar to what is happening to Mike. One other thing is the very fact he has all of those positive things in his life, yet he is still having such a hard time. He really isn't depressed about what he doesn't have, but rather the fact he isn't happy, and doesn't know anything that could make him happy. He is basically hopeless.

Oh I know, that's what I'm saying. His way of behaving isn't WRONG, but it is irritating.

Hey thar. New guy here. <.<

I've read the fic up to now... And it is awesome. ;__;

The characters are all in-character, the story is tragic, the emotions are well played, the writing is excellent and all that jazz. You can really feel for each and everyone in it, and it just sucks you in.

Awesome. 'Nuff said.

As for Mike being whiny, well yeah. But, as they say, "The higher you are, the further you fall." Imagine having a perfect life laid in front of you, just within your grasp, only to have it ripped away.

Tragic

Keep on writing. I'm quivering with excitement at the thought of the next chapter 8D

YES! YES! Being in internetlessland for a week paid off somehow!
After 4 wonderful BCB pages, a whole bonus comic to read, I get to read 4 chapters of Mr. Meowth's story in a row! Yay for me!

(I'll post about them later on ^_^)

EDIT:
Guh... I don't like the way this is going, with Paulo there thinking of apologies and Mike building up rage...
Paulo did go a little too far calling Sandy what he did, though, it's not like he knows her in any way. He just said that to annoy Mike >_<

This post has been edited by Lycan: 09 March 2011 - 08:58 PM

You know how it is. When you get put down like Paulo has been, you'd definitely spend a couple minutes gathering your thoughts before hurling whatever the worst insults you can think of back.

My goodness, I've missed a lot here. I got some work to do~

Chapter 17: A Visible Change is now up.

I'm sorry it's so short, but I promise the next will be much longer.

@Taeshi

Yeah, I see where you're coming from. It's definitely not the most mature set of reactions in the world.

@MadMadDash

Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it so much. And you're compliments are much appreciated.

@Lycan

Indeed. People have a tendency of saying things they don't exactly mean when they're emotional, and this applies even more so when tensions are mounting.

@Purin

Well, I hope you end of viewing it more as an enjoyment, as opposed to work.

In the words of Lucy.

JERKFACE

I had hope that Mike would think things through if Paulo apologized. Oh well.
(Specially that he himself thought earlier to apologize to Paulo >_<)

The last line really made it seem like Paulo's just thinking of himself.

Intentional?

Well, I said most everything in the IRC. All that's left to be said is...

Mike? You are being such a douchebag right now! Seriously, you're not even going through THAT much pain right now. Yeah, you've got liver cancer, I understand how that would REALLY, suck. But on the the other hand, despite being in the advanced stages of the illness, you're asyomptomatic, both friends who know what's going on are both rushing to your aid, and you just spent an unspecified amount of time in the embrace of someone who loves you, and who you admitted to yourself that you love! Sheesh, man!

@Smash and he's a douche :3

Lol mikes keeping it real, suck it Paulo

Smash you'd really have to be in his situation to understand. He's probably had pent up feelings against Paulo for a very long time, the cancer is something that lit the fuse probably. Not to mention Paulo does NOT know that he has cancer, only Lucy and Abbey do, he treats them well.

Junior Boomer, on 11 March 2011 - 12:16 AM, said:

So you're saying that Mike won't think Paulo understands him until he learns about the cancer?

If only Paulo was cocky enough to have said "well fine! Drop dead for all I care!!"

That would be so so funny

Man. That would be funny.

Mike is such a jerk in this chapter. >.<

A justified jerk, but a jerk nonetheless. >.>

This post has been edited by MadMadDan: 11 March 2011 - 09:04 AM

Mike shouted in Paulo's face at lunch time (I agree with most of what he said, but I don't think it should have been said that way, like Mr. Meowth put in a later chapter Mike thinking "If I had a problem with it, I should have called him and talked only with him. But that wouldn't make him think about it")
Paulo shouted in Mike's face later (I disagree with most (or everything) he said)

Mike doesn't accept Paulo's apologies -> Mike's completely wrong this time >_< It's probably hard for Paulo to suck up his thoughts and apologize, why would Mike waste that! >_<

Heh, dragging the situation further.
Then again, Paulo did cause Mike to go to tears and made Lucy go into the boy's restroom. :3
But as with most stories, things will work out.
As I always say, give a little alone time.

Chapter 18, Heading Home is now up.

This chapter isn't terribly long, nor is it terribly short. It's also, in my opinion, a little better then the last one. A little warning though, it's a weird chapter. Some people may not understand a lot of what Mike's going through unless they have felt similar feelings(as JB was saying).

Also, take particular note as to the way Lucy acts, and when her mood changes. This will give you a better of idea of why Lucy has been acting nice, or at least when she does it. There is a surface meaning I'm sure a lot will find fairly easily, but another deeper meaning which involves drawing lines of similarity to the other chapters, as well as to the comic. Feel free to discuss it if you wish.

At the risk of spoiling some of the story, I won't be replying to everyone today, but I will say all of your compliments are criticisms are more than welcome, and it's nice to see so many people so interested in this story.

As of late, I have been having trouble writing. I believe it may be because of exhaustion playing on some others issues, but I'm not entirely sure. Now that it's the weekend, and I have plenty of time to sleep, so I should be able to figure out.

What a drama man Nice chapter.

He is pissed. Make him fight Paulo

You know, Mike, does the phrase "full of shit" mean ANYTHING to you? Anything at all? First off, enough with the "nobody cares about me" bullcrap. In case you haven't noticed, you've got six friends, all of whom would go the ends of the Earth for you. Heck, I understand what you're going through, and I'm not even a character in your story, damnit! In case you haven't noticed, there ARE other people who have had illnesses that wreck their lives, through being terminal, or otherwise. Secondly, where the FUCK do you get off saying Lucy doesn't care? Did her suicide promise mean anything to you? Girls don't just say "when you die, I'll check out with you" for shits and giggles. They do it because they've come to care about you so strongly that they can't live life without you. Thirdly, have I mentioned what an asshole your being? I have? Good, just checking.


Anyway, great chapter Meowth. That said, your dialogue could use some work. Instead of: "I'm talking about life, Lucy. I'm talking about me, you, Paulo… I'm talking about life," try "I'm talking about me, you, Paulo… I'm talking about life." It's the same, general message, but you when writing, the goal is to say what you want to say, in as few words as in which it can be said. And maybe instead of "You can't even understand, let alone care. You haven't the slightest idea, wait, no, scratch that. No one has any idea what's going through my head right now," try "You can't even understand, let alone care! You haven't the slightest idea - wait, no, scratch that - no one has any idea what's going through my head right now." There are several reasons for this. First, without the added emphasis on "care," it sounds redundant, given the previous sentence. I suggest using hyphens instead of commas simply because it flows better, and I personally believe we get more of his rage if it's all one sentence. If it's several sentences, you can sort of see breaks in his thoughts, but if it's all one, large sentences, the anger will come through better, because it's all coming out at once. And um, that's all I can really think of right now. Looking forward to chapter nineteen.

I don't get the feeling Mike is particularly enraged so much as he's apathetic in a hopeless context. Full stops work better in this case, imo, because they highlight how I think his voice should sound; deadpan and without inflection. He's talking about giving up, so I believe he should sound devoid of, well, everything.

Smash, I think mike is just really worn out by the situation and all the bullshit that has happened on this day...He's going to sleep and realize what a dick he's been to everyone, I think.

Its the hormones man ಠ_ಠ They have direct effects on his emotions ya know? He needs to chill out right bro?

You're an idiot.

Hahahaha I kind of forgot about Blur, it's almost like he lives at Lucy's house now.

Man, I know the feeling. Like everything in your life just stops except you, and you're just left walking through it, and no-one can hear you and eventually you just want to scream.

Ah! I guess I hadn't read in awhile so it seemed like Mike's shift to such anger seemed sudden but then I remembered and...

It felt fast, honestly I don't know how to properly describe that, personal preference. I cannot predict where this is going! Which I love!

Thanks for the all compliments as well as the criticisms. They are much appreciated.

@Ace
Indeed, that shift in anger was meant to be fast.

@Taeshi
Yeah, Blur is becoming a hassle.

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Generally, it's true, you want to say as much as possible with as few words as possible, assuming it does not disrupt the feeling you're trying to convey. You have to bear in mind that this does not apply to dialogue. I don't write dialogue from the perspective of the reader, but rather of from the perspective of the person saying it. I can tell you that some of the things people have said throughout the story have not only sounded very odd, but have actually made little to no sense. A good example of that would be the very the sentence you offered a correction too. While yes, you could probably figure out what Mike means if you think about it, in reality, it's very vague. This was intended.

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I agree on the hyphens, they do look better. Sadly, I know very little about hyphens so I'm going to have to take some time to look up how they work exactly.
As for emphasizing 'care'... There was a reason I didn't put an exclamation point at the end of the original 'care'. This was to show that Mike wasn't screaming it. If anything, he said it more sarcastic and uppity then angry. More like he was telling her off, rather then going ballistic.

Chapter 19, Lethargic is now up.

I would like to thank Smash for taking the time to beta-read this.

Kewl :3

Plot Development: Confirmed

Great Writing Style: Confirmed

Urge to stay on forums for moar: Confirmed

Hahahahahahah, yeah Mike forgot about her didn't you? I keep wondering when he's actually going to do it, he was able to tell Blur at least.

I was actually half-expecting Blur to say he knew, like maybe he gathered that Mike was sick enough because of Lucy, or that Blur was chatting to Mike's mother and got the news, and was really calm about it. BUT I GUESS NOW. Me and my second-guessing.

Hum.
Waiting for the Sandy talk.

Same here.

Chapter 20, Blur has just been added.

I would like to thank Smash_Genesis for editing.

Well, I personally like this chapter. It's a little weird, but that's a good thing, no?

@RedJack


@Taeshi

Maybe I'll work in an explanation for that. I guarantee you, I have one prepared.

@Lycan, Sushi

I should really start planning that out. I've been avoiding it for the longest time.

I'll review this when I'm not so damn tired. Sleep now. Will edit in morning.

This was yet another good chapter. The release of being able to communicate with somebody about an uncomfortable subject such as death. Those moments are really hard to describe yet you made it seem very clear to us on what both Mike and Blur were feeling. I think thats why I like your FF so much. Your descriptions always seem to make sense to me.

This post has been edited by RedJack: 18 March 2011 - 06:33 AM

Then why did't you wait to post Jack?


The only thing i can picture Blurs face being this whole chapter is this:

Your doing a real good job on this!

Dominating Daisy has just been added.

FUCK YEAH, MORE REQUEST PORN.

Sorry it took so long, JB, but here it is.

NSFW
Dominating Daisy
NSFW


@RedJack

I'll make sure I read it then.

@Domafari

I'm glad you're enjoying it. I've honestly never really viewed that emoticon as a sad expression, but now that I see it in this context...


EDIT: Oh, and by the way, I'm going to do my best to keep up with FF, but it's been a really long two weeks and I've gotten quite a bit behind.

This post has been edited by Meowth: 18 March 2011 - 01:05 AM

I think is Lucy or Paulo... With my current luck... I will be wrong