Bittersweet Candy Bowl Forums

Hooray, it's another crappily-written and totally half-assed fanfic.
When Mike's relationship with Sandy disintegrates, he is left with noone else to go to. A friendly hand is extended, but will Mike be able to get his life back on track before it's too late?

Any criticism absolutely welcome, and I'm sure there'll be plenty of reason for it. I'll be updating a page at a time because I have a shitload of other stuff to do. So here it is, Chapter 1 of A Different Shoulder.


At some point soon, I might even be able to get another chapter of Welcome to my Nightmare out of my head and onto paper. Fingers crossed, eh?

This post has been edited by Sammy: 11 February 2011 - 12:47 AM

So I just finished reading and I'm eager to see how this plays out. I have a few comments regarding the text as well.

For starters, I really enjoyed the first couple of lines. The way you contrasted the natural beauty of the day with Mike's disposition by no means went unnoticed.

I also liked how you helped put the bitterness of Mike's thoughts into perspective with varying degree's of description. Such as 'He fingered the end longingly, the feel of the cold steel somehow enticing.' This really helps get into his head, and it helps us understand the specific type of mood Mike was in. One of visual displeasure, on many levels.

Overall, I thought the writing was very well done. Mike, as well as his mom, had believable personalities, and overall it was beautifully written.

Thank you very much.

New Chapter

I'm torn as to whether to continue with this. I can only write in small parts at a time, as that's all I can manage along with a full-time job and an MA to complete. It's pretty clichéd, and the story is fairly unimaginative. This is basically only beng written for personal reference now. Someone tell me; should I keep going? It will eventually go somewhere. It's not a decision I want to make; if I didn't write it, I would have about twenty minutes more time on my own. If I did, then I'd want to know that it would not just be for my own use. Someone make up my mind for me.

This post has been edited by Sammy: 16 February 2011 - 01:02 AM

Hm...it rolls along a bit too fast-paced for me too really get into and enjoy, but your choice of words is good, and I'd like to see where this goes. I vote keep it up, but on your schedule.

Just throwing this out there, but your link takes us to the first chapter, as opposed to the second.

As for the writing, I thought it was beautifully written. Whether it was the use of alliteration in the beginning or even the details that seemed to flow like liquid through out, it was definitely a pleasure to read.

I vote keep it up as well. I would love to see where this goes. While I do somewhat agree with what SushiJaguar said, I think the fast paced feel is caused mainly by descriptions focusing on the setting, as opposed to the character.

This post has been edited by Meowth: 23 February 2011 - 11:50 PM

Meowth, praise like that from you is the highest honour I feel I could be accorded

Chapter 3

I actually put some effort into it this time, and I hope I nailed Mike's character. This is more an experiment for me, and a chance to branch out on my writing style, than it is a serious fanfic; for the moment, anyway.

This post has been edited by Sammy: 23 February 2011 - 10:04 PM

Whoa... That was crazy as hell.


I have to ask what that initial drink was though. It sounded like alcohol lined with Ecstasy but X takes much longer to go into effect.

It was intended to be Karsash, known colloquially as Smash, which is a cocktail made of vodka mixed with small amounts of impure caffeine. It's extremely strong and was rather popular on the nightclub scene around where I live. I'm sorry, I guess I should have mentioned that detail.

Mike getting hit with drugs and alcohol? This won't end well

Man, this entire chapter just reminds me of that scene from the Aristocats where they all pass out.

Oh dear. Créme de là Créme á là Edgar. ^_^

Hahahaha, the best fictional concoction since the Elixir of Life.

Haha, my friend works there I made a vow with her that, should I have children, I would buy everything for them from that shop. I swear, the cuteness will make them into good people without any guidance from myself.

This post has been edited by Sammy: 24 February 2011 - 09:09 PM