5. The Burden of Parenthood, original chapter posted 7/15/11
Page 1 of 7
*Mike and Lucy are sitting in the classroom.*
Sex-ed teacher: Okay, class..
*Sex-ed teacher smiles.*
Sex-ed teacher: Today we’re gonna talk about…
[Intense zoom-in on Sex-ed teacher’s angry face.]
Sex-ed teacher: SEX.
Sex-ed teacher: Sex equals babies.. .. and you don’t want babies.
[The chalkboard behind her features crude blob creatures having sex, having a crying blob baby, and both mother and father blobs sick and dying.]
Sex-ed teacher: You’ll be bloated with triplets at age thirteen with chlamydia all over your face and then you’ll die..
*Zoom in on Sex-ed teacher’s squinting eye.*
Sex-ed teacher: .. of AIDS.
[Birth control and condoms appear in the background.]
Sex-ed teacher: You might think “But there’s always contraception.”
Sex-ed teacher: But you’re wrong. DEAD wrong.
Sex-ed teacher: The only path to salvation is removal of the organ..
Sex-ed teacher: Still, that won’t get rid of the STDs. They’ll remain..
Sex-ed teacher: .. like, forever.
[Two more crude illustrations are on the chalkboard, one depicting a pair having torn out their sexual organs, and another screaming “WAUGHHH GONORRHEA” as they throw up.]
*Sex-ed teacher pushes up her glasses.*
Sex-ed teacher: So unless you want to die and have hundreds of spawn..
Sex-ed teacher: .. don’t have sex until you’re married.
Sex-ed teacher: Any questio--
*Yashy shouts at a mortified Mike.*
Yashy: WHOA have you been makin’ Mom abort like EVERY DAY, Flea?!
Mike: N-no!! I never even…
*Lucy covers her face in embarrassment, and Sex-ed teacher scowls.*
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