Bittersweet Candy Bowl

30. Troubled Waters, original chapter posted 1/16/07

Page 6 of 12

Transcript

*Paulo, now on the ground, looks worried.*
Paulo: WHAT?! That’s what that splash was?!

*Paulo dashes towards the river.*
Paulo: We better catch him downstream before he-
*Daisy bursts into tears and covers her face.*
Daisy: Please, do SOMETHING!

*Mike continues struggling against the current.*

*Lucy runs closer and sees Mike panicking in the water.*
Mike: HELP!! HELP!!

*Lucy tears up, frightened.*
Lucy (thinking): I don’t know how to swim!!

*Lucy breaks off a branch from a tree with a courageous look.*
Lucy (thinking): But maybe if I..

Lucy: Mike!!
*Mike looks up, surprised.*
Mike: Lucy?!

*Lucy holds the branch over the water.*
Lucy: Grab on!!

*Mike grabs the branch.*

*Lucy braces herself, using all her strength to hold onto the branch.*
Lucy: Nghh!!

*Lucy cries out, distressed.*
Lucy: HANG ON!!
Lucy (thinking): Please.. don’t break.. please.. I’m begging you..!

*Lucy slips on a patch of mud. The branch slips from her hands as she stumbles.*

*The branch falls in the water. Mike reaches up his hand, crying out.*
Mike: LUCY!!

*Mike’s head smacks into something with a loud thud.*
Mike: Urk!

*Mike, appearing unconscious, is knocked around into a bunch of rocks as the current carries him further downstream.*

*Lucy looks on in horror. Yashy covers her eyes.*

Author commentary

Veronica: In the earlier version of this page, Mike ended up nearly falling down a waterfall, which is honestly so clichéd! And incredibly unrealistic! Why would a random-ass waterfall exist in a public park? Shouldn’t it be closed off? Do these kids live in the woods? The freaken WILDERNESS or something?

Mike getting pulled by dangerous streams is bad enough, but I wanted to tone down the scene while also maintaining it as scary and serious, so instead I rewrote it to Mike getting bludgeoned by rocks. It makes a lot more sense! Mike was able to grab a rock earlier so it’s not like they came out of nowhere!

You can notice Lucy’s fear flare up for a second there.. obviously, it wasn’t as extreme in the past.. at this time, it was just typical fear of water because she can’t swim. A natural and understandable concern!